[lackadaisy]

Background (not super important): I've always been a "binger" -- in the sense that it usually doesn't take a lot for me to be full, and I'm often happy with a 250 calorie chicken salad for a meal, but before I was counting calories I would eat three cookies afterwards anyway, because I "wanted to." Maybe to prove that I could.

Access to food -- any food, no matter how ridiculous -- was a trigger. I would never be able to hold any food in my dorm room because it would be gone within a day. We're talking two boxes of Triscuit within 24 hours (I ate nothing else). Jars of Nutella and carrots (which I convinced myself should be eaten together). Much, much worse stories. I stopped buying food out of fear.

Part of the reason I joined 3FC was to develop better control and stop fearing food. I've become an almost-fanatical calorie counter, and suddenly I don't graze at all and I can cut off binges very quickly -- I haven't gone over maintenance calories since starting, and I'm really proud of that.

The ridiculous thing is I've become a "hoarder" -- I don't know how else to explain it -- and I suddenly LOVE to buy food. I take extra fruit/cereal from the dining hall after eating. I order Clif bars & plain ole cookies online. I honestly think I've built an arsenal of enough JUNK FOOD to feed twenty people for a week, and I'm a student who doesn't cook her own meals! Just now, I made myself a trail mix out of raisins, dark chocolate, coconut. Not sure what I'll do with it because I'm definitely not eating it, but it's... nice to have the option?

Don't really know where I'm going with this thread, but this new behavior is freaking me out. It's like I'm setting myself up for a binge every time I hoard more goodies I know I want to eat, but I haven't binged yet.

[usam]

I do the same thing. I buy tons of cookies and cereal of all kinds and pretend its for my kids but I think deep down I do it for me. My pantry is full of goodies and food. I rarely eat any of it. I actually just went back to being a vegan so I can't eat any of it but I want it there.
Not sure how to explain it but I wanted you to know you are not alone.

[ShanIAm]

Is it a rush to get these things, have them around (hoard) and not eat them? What I mean is, do you get off having that control? I know, for me, that I get a high from controlling what I eat now and how much I work out but I wonder if and when that wears off, will I start hoarding too?

Very interesting phenomenon.

[martinimouse]

I have to have canned foods in the cupboard even when I don't eat those foods now. It's not a lot, about 10 cans or so and one big box of rolled oats. I use to fear running out of food before payday when i was really poor and knowing that I had emergency food rations really helped. I still do it and my husband laughs about it, but it gives me a peace of mind. Weird to admit in public, but hey, there it is!

[lackadaisy]

Originally Posted by ShanIAm

Is it a rush to get these things, have them around (hoard) and not eat them? What I mean is, do you get off having that control? I know, for me, that I get a high from controlling what I eat now and how much I work out but I wonder if and when that wears off, will I start hoarding too?

Very interesting phenomenon.

I definitely get a high from control too, which scares me a little. The hoarding thing is... I don't know, a new thing. Like testing myself.

The trail mix is sitting my drawer... I ate 2 raisins and 3 dark chocolate dots this morning from it. I logged them: 9 calories. It felt absurd and out of control and good. I'd forgotten about all of this until now.

I'm also worried that I might become a "pusher"... I started worrying about how many Trader Joe's tortilla chips I was eating from a bag I was hoarding (14 chips in one day --> 2 servings & 260 calories --> a whole "meal"), so I left it in my friend's room and told her she was free to have as much as she wanted. That was three days ago, I think, and they're gone now. I was both a little peeved and completely relieved when I found out. But I also felt a little guilty, like I was "sabotaging" her so that I could keep in control.

Dark thoughts, right? I don't want to be one of those annoying diet proselytizers, and I'm not at all this time... but it somehow feels unfair to be the opposite, someone who loves to bake brownies just to not eat them or fix myself huge bowls of sugary cereal (my kryptonite) just to throw it away.