[lucysam77]

I went to my friend's house last week, i haven't see her for almost a year and she showed me some old pictures she had from 5 years ago (i was 40 pounds thinner than now), and she said... look, you used to be so beautiful... I mean, skinny.... Of course, I felt so bad and my husband looked mad! I didn't say anything to her but really... i want to lose weight because of my health but being overweight doesn't mean i'm ugly!!! am I right????

[milmin2043]

You are absolutely right and it's sad, in my opinion, that our society puts so much emphasis on skinny being beautiful. I don't know how much you weigh in your profile pic, and it doesn't matter because you are beautiful. Really! No kidding, you are beautiful! I think that people in general sometimes say things without their internal monitor button turned on. But, hey, at least you know now how she really feels and thinks.

I know how you feel. My own mother said those very words to me a few years ago. It stung like heck and I will never forget it. It plays over in my head like a bad song. Funny thing is, as far as beauty, I was much "prettier" when I was heavier. The fat plumped out my wrinkes and imperfections more.

Don't let it get to you. I know that's easier said than done. Don't let anyone else define how you feel about yourself.

Best wishes!

[lackadaisy]

Actually, I think our society places too much weight on being beautiful.

Beauty is both arbitrary and costly. We're all lookists, even if we're not sizists. There are smart and stupid beautiful people, kind and cruel ones, and it's ridiculous that people (especially women) are judged by the standard of beauty first, life second.

I hate when thin girls call fat girls "ugly," but I hate when fat girls call thin girls "ugly," too. Your friend definitely should not have been talking about thin as if it were equal to beautiful, but who cares if you were "more beautiful" then by the standards of someone other than your husband?

[bananapancakes]

Ouch! If it's any consolation, from what I see in your avatar pic, you are a good looking woman, honestly. Your friend was inconsiderate, however.....maybe she just had a slip of the tongue and just meant that you looked better back then, I'd personally say most people look "better" when they are a healthy weight, but being overweight doesn't always make someone ugly. I have a friend who had previously said things regarding my weight, she's a good friend, but doesn't think before she opens her mouth sometimes.....not one of her finest qualities and I finally said something to her and she was very apologetic, if you feel confident enough I would say something, especially if this is a habit of hers. Sorry you got made to feel badly, like we're not all struggling enough with our self confidence already.

Btw, I want to add that one of the most beautiful people (in my eyes) that I know is around 220lbs and not very tall, she is a pretty girl, dresses great for her size and her personality is just absolutely lovely, she's always smiling (has the biggest/beautiful smile!), positive and just such a nice person.

[Eurydice]

Wow, some friend. I would get so mad if someone said that to me. You're absolutely right, your health is way more important than beauty, but that said, you're still beautiful! I absolutely believe that women are trained into thinking that thinness=beauty and that being overweight and being beautiful are mutually exclusive. But it's so not true. Maybe your friend thinks so, or maybe she was just trying to give you more motivation to lose weight--I don't know, and it doesn't really matter. That's not a cool thing to say to someone.

There are so many more important things than looking like a model. Not to go off topic, but it just reminds me of this thing that JK Rowling (Harry Potter author--my geekiness is showing ) said:

I went to the British Book Awards that evening. After the award ceremony I bumped into a woman I hadn't seen for nearly three years. The first thing she said to me? 'You've lost a lot of weight since the last time I saw you!'

'Well,' I said, slightly nonplussed, 'the last time you saw me I'd just had a baby.'

What I felt like saying was, 'I've produced my third child and my sixth novel since I last saw you. Aren't either of those things more important, more interesting, than my size?' But no – my waist looked smaller! Forget the kid and the book: finally, something to celebrate!

It just goes to show the ridiculous extremes to which people get obsessed with weight. Trust me, beauty is about so much more than weight, and if your profile picture is any indication, you'll be gorgeous no matter what size you are.

[CurryMama]

I hope she felt really awful afterwards. Really inconsiderate.

[marianne78]

I'm sorry this happened to you. But seeing your profile picture, you look gorgeous. Don't mind what your friend said. You know where your priorities lie, and that's what's more important.

[Nola Celeste]

I'm always flabbergasted by "friends" who make a point of making the kinds of comments that we should only expect enemies to make. Even if she hadn't made the (stupid) slip of the tongue she made, is it ever acceptable to tell someone, "Ooh, look how thin you were then!?" No! No, it isn't!

I absolutely loathe when people conflate "thin" and "pretty" as though they're one thing. I see it all the time (sadly, even on some posts here): "Ohh, I can't wait to lose the weight and be sexy again!" "I wonder how much weight I'll have to lose to be pretty?" "I remember when I was hot fifty pounds ago." I just want to say, "Good lord, ladies...if anyone else said that crap to you, you'd want to sock them in the jaw--so why would you say it to yourself?"

You are right to be annoyed at your rude acquaintance. No one's beauty is ruined by gaining forty pounds. Changed? Yeah, that's accurate. A 300-pound beauty is going to look quite different at 200 pounds. But is her beauty lost as she gains, or does she find it when she loses? No.

Your "friend" has Issues. Is her birthday coming up soon? If so, buy her an etiquette book if you want to be kind. With that little social grace, she's going to live a hard life if she doesn't improve her skills a bit.

...and if you want to be UNkind, get her a roll of duct tape and some directions on how to wear it across her mouth for best results.

[milmin2043]

Hugs to you Nola! and if there were a LIKE button, I'd have surely pressed it for that frank response.

[carter]

Originally Posted by Nola Celeste

I absolutely loathe when people conflate "thin" and "pretty" as though they're one thing. I see it all the time (sadly, even on some posts here): "Ohh, I can't wait to lose the weight and be sexy again!" "I wonder how much weight I'll have to lose to be pretty?" "I remember when I was hot fifty pounds ago." I just want to say, "Good lord, ladies...if anyone else said that crap to you, you'd want to sock them in the jaw--so why would you say it to yourself?"

I dunno ... I do see what you're saying, and on a dispassionate, intellectual level I can see where you're right.

And yet - vanity is my #1 motivating factor for weight loss, #1 by a long long way. I mean, I can pay lip service to health factors - of course I don't want diabetes or heart disease - but those are not the thoughts I draw on when I'm facing down temptation. They are too vague, distant probabilities, they just aren't what really drives me. Looking trim, strong, hard, ripped, strutting the way I do in my mind - that's what really motivates me. And I can't believe I am alone in that.

Now I know that's not the same as declaring myself ugly now. There's plenty that's attractive about me - some of it physical, some of it not physical. But I'm not pretending I look terrific the way I am, either. I don't. I'm fat, and it doesn't look good. I don't look healthy, I don't look the way I want to, I can't wear the clothes I want to wear.

So I don't know exactly how to strike the balance. No, it's not great to beat up on yourself saying things like "I'm so ugly, how much do I have to lose to stop being ugly?" But it's also not great to dismiss the power of vanity as a motivator. If decided to just be okay with how I looked, I wouldn't have any real motivation at all.

[4star]

A person can be beautiful thin or plump but some people can't be tactful at any weight!

[berryblondeboys]

WHile it was totally inappropriate and just AWFUL that she said that. The reality is, most of us look a LOT better when we are thinner. When I was younger and thinner, I never believed it, though people said it often. They said I was beautiful. One acquaintance (not even a friend really) said, "wheny you wear make-up, you have the most beautiful face I've ever seen!" (I'm fair, so no make-up I look washed out - and I always wore a very natural look).

I'm the same person, just 50 pounds heavier than then, and I wasn't THIN then, but you lose so many of your features with weight. The nice figure gets masked, the facial features get lost. While I'm probably 'still' an attractive overweight person, I'm not a beautiful person overall. And how could I be? Fat does not look healthy and healthy is another thing that is part of beauty. Super skinny girls who smoke and eat crap don't stay pretty for long either!

Being beautiful and actually BELIEVING IT this time, is one thing I look forward to as I get thinner. But I would be kidding myself if I said I was 'beautiful' now.

(And my avatar is without make-up taken the day I got 2 feet of braid cut off).

Anway, she was rude... but it is also true, as you get fitter and healthier and thinner, you will also get more beautiful.

[bananapancakes]

berryblondeboys, I couldn't agree more with your post.

[MariaMaria]

The last 20 pounds or so are pretty much always vanity weight. If you think that makes me vain, fine.

[luciddepths]

I'm going to be the odd man out.
I think skinner is more attractive ( please don't take that the wrong way! I think your pretty!) I just think from my own pictures I look 10x more attractive! Than I did at my heaviest, the gross double chin I had chubby chipmunk cheeks! I also think others think of me as being more attractive ( compliments all the time etc) so I can understand why your friend thought it but she shouldn't have SAID it!