Anyone else work opposite shifts as their other half?
I do (well did until I lost my job) I thought it would be a great idea at first. He worked days 8a-8p (6 days a week), I work 10p-8a (5 days a week, every other weekend). People told us it would bring us closer together, since we wouldn't see each other as much, but it did just the opposite I worked that shift for a 1 1/2 years.
I feel like I am nothing but a roomate. We don't hug, don't kiss, no affection at all. I feel awkward sleeping with him. We barely talk. He watches ESPN or something sports when he gets home...and when we do watch a movie together he is looking at ESPN on his phone, or wrestling.
Now that I don' have a job, I am home all day by myself (well we have 4 dogs as well). I clean the house, do laundry, cook dinner. I get the butterfly feeling when I am waiting for 8pm to roll around I just cant wait to see him, then he usually calls me to tell me he is going to be late because he has to stop over at his buddies house to help him do something So dinner gets cold, I eat by myself...alone, again.
On his day off 99.8% of the time, he is gone most of the day helping his buddy work on a car or something. He is only off on Fridays, and Sundays. So we don't even get weekends together....I would love to go away for a weekend but he is such a workaholic and I when I ask or say something about it I get " I cant call off" or "yea with what money" (this was even when I was working and bringing in good money!) Even things like walking the dogs, taking the dogs to the dog park, going for a picnic, a hike at the river trails down the road, sled riding, a snow ball fight, playing catch with a football, playing a game of basketball, playing a board game, a card game (free stuff), is too much for him to consider....oh but wait if "Billy" calls him to do something, he is off.
Almost 4 years together and we have never had a weekend away or a vacation, or "us" time. To top it off, we are engaged and I have been having second thoughts. Part of me says it will get better with time, another says its a lost cause. But then there is always the period that lasts about week, about 2 or 3 times a year when he is the greatest guy and does whatever he can to make me happy and please me..................
I honestly think it has to do with me gaining weight since we have been together (30+lbs) he gained it too, but you can't tell as much. I know because he hasn't touched me or looked at me the same since...even though he will deny it... I wonder once I reach my mini goal weight (150) if things will change. I was 163 when he met me and boy it was like the touching never stopped!
I just had to vent....
Last edited by bride2be2011; 11-24-2010 at 06:40 PM.
Could you go with him when his buddies call? At least you'd be with him.
In the meantime, I'd pin him down and have a very honest talk about how you're feeling. My DH is sometimes very much like that, and sometimes I have to put my foot down! He is very unlikely to change anytime soon, and he definitely won't if you get married.
My husband and I work opposite schedules - not as extreme as yours was (I'm 8-4:30 during the week and he's 8:30-3 Wednesdays through Sundays), but enough that the time we don't have the "usual" downtime most couples do. It can be challenging, but I actually love it. I have the evenings to myself, the bed to myself at night and it'll be great when we start to think about kids.
But I think one of the hardest things is that our downtime doesn't always match up. If I get home after a really stressful day, I might want to chill out and do something by myself, but I know I only have a few hours to spend with him until the next day. Or, if I want to do something fun for myself - like take a dance class in the evening - it's a direct tradeoff that means I have even fewer hours with him, but one I make sometimes for my own sanity.
While I think it's definitely a red flag that he doesn't seem to want to spend time with you, have you thought of it from his side? Since you aren't working outside of the home, he's one of your only social outlets, which might be a lot of pressure on him after working a long day. It might seem "easier" to him to hang out with a friend instead of a fiance who has been waiting all day to see him.
Whether or not that's the case for you (and I'm just guessing, based on my own experiences), it's worth thinking about what you want in a relationship and how you deserve to be treated. Marriage is a big commitment, and you deserve to be with someone who values spending time on you and treats you well - no matter what weight you're at.
I may not be married or engaged but I have been in some pretty crappy relationships. I tend to be a very sexual person and in my last relationship it felt like I was ALWAYS the one making the moves and it really was and that annoyed me because I like to have a man who wants me, who loves to tough me, and you know blah blah blah.
Anyways I also know COMMUNICATION is the key to a good relationship. I'd say sit him down and have a chat with him, if you're having second thoughts in all honesty you need to speak with him ASAP. Find out what is going on, let him know exactly how it is you are feeling. If things change for the better great! If it stays the same, I'd say really think about it and if this (relationship you are currently in) something you want to have for the rest of your life then that's kind of sad, because no one should feel unloved in any relationship; and hunny things NEVER get better, that's just something we tell ourselves because we're too scared to be alone. (Not saying you are scared to be alone I personally don't know your situtation or you personally, but I know when I was in my crappy relationship and my guy disappeared for 3 months only to have called me...I told myself for the year and a half I was with him, it'll get better. Once we move it'll get better. Once we do this, it'll get better...and you know what it didn't get better, it got worse, he got the best of me and pretty much destroyed me until I found myself to get over it.)
So in all honesty talk with him, if he tells you he doesn't have the time tie him to the chair and make him have the time. His boys should not be coming before you that's for sure not after being with him for so long.
What's the point of being in a relationship with someone who you never spend time being a couple with? I'm sorry to hear you lost your job and that he is so distant. 4 years and never spent quality time alone together? Sit him down and tell him how you feel. If he opens up then you can work things out. If he says "not now, I'm busy," then what?
DH and I work different enough shifts that we get to see each other on Thursday nights for 3 hours, Friday nights for about 4 hours, and an hour or so on Saturdays. It's been like this for years, and will be for a few more years until I finish school and get a job that will allow him to quit his terrible, but high-paying job. However, we look forward to our time together every week. We've been together for almost 10 years, and he's my best friend. We went through a phase like yours, and realized we were both bitter about our lack of time together - particularly since "our" time had been spent on household stuff (cleaning, cooking, shopping, etc) - instead of treasuring it the way we should.
Talk to him. If he's unresponsive, you'll likely continue to struggle in the relationship. Marriage is a partnership, and if one partner is doing all of the work - physically, emotionally, etc - then there's bound to be issues and resentment.
Quote:
Originally Posted by krampus
What's the point of being in a relationship with someone who you never spend time being a couple with? 4 years and never spent quality time alone together?
For me, the point of being in my marriage with someone I rarely spend time being a couple with is love. I love my husband. I love everything about him, even when he's irritating me. He is my best friend, and I can talk to him about anything. Even though our couple time is limited, every moment of it is quality time. It's taken us a while to get into a groove that works for us, but now that we have, we spend more "quality" time together than our married friends' do, even though they have much more time together.
My dh works nights from home - from 10pm till 6am.
I am a supply teacher so on the days I work, I will be out during the day and home by about 4.30. He waits till I get up to go to bed then sleeps till about 3pm.
So we have those evenings and late afternoons together. We eat dinner together an watch evening TV together and some days we even manage to squeeze in a bit of QT before he starts work at 10pm. It works for us for the most part but it is hard for him to function in the day at weekends as his sleep pattern is so off.
Anyone else work opposite shifts as their other half?
I worked that shift for a 1 1/2 years.
So dinner gets cold, I eat by myself...alone, again. 
