So, I met a guy online the other day. The kinda guy who was totally my type and I could definitely see myself dating long term. He was cute, we had a ton in common, he seemed to have a really great personality that clicked with mine, and he was really into me...... until we talked on yahoo and he immediately started in with questions about my weight. Never mind having a good conversation and getting to know you more, just "how fat are you?" And saying things like "I can't date someone who's 200+ or nutty professor fat like they're wearing a fat suit." This coming from a guy who's 230 lbs, out of shape, and who was talking about his upper arms being the size of a skinny girl's thighs???....
Needless to say, I was sitting there thinking "WOW, JERK!" But I humored his shallow and stupid questions and I was honest with him and said that if weight was that much of an issue to him then we probably wouldn't get along. Sorry, but that's a deal breaker for me. I don't want to date ANYONE who ignores all of the great qualities about me and throws away a potential friendship or relationship because of weight. Then he said something like I don't mind a little chub and kinda phrasing his preferences in a way that made it sound like he wanted me to just lie to him instead of facing the truth, that I'm more than a little chubby. Like he really wanted to date me, but have me magically be thinner.... in his head? Anyway, he turned out to be a huge a**hole and just signed offline never to be heard from again. I knew he sounded too good to be true haha. His loss.
It made me angry and feel like crap though. I mean really, who do people like that think they are? And how's a girl supposed to find a date anymore if they're all jerks and/or hypocrites? Ugh....
Anyone else been rejected by someone who is also overweight, just for being overweight?
It's his loss all right ,...nothing like the pot calling the kettle black!! You are better off without him! Mr. Right will show up when you least expect it and sweep you off your feet!
I'm sorry that happened to you and he definitely sounded rude and it also sounded like he was playing off some of his own insecurities.
Having said that, people do have preferences and I'm not saying that people don't change over time as we all age and what not. I can also say even though I've been overweight all my life, in general, I've never been attracted to chubby guys. Although I wouldn't have ruled out someone based on their weight when I was dating because I think personality is more important. I also wouldn't have wanted to date someone whose fitness goals didn't line up with mine. It wouldn't matter if they were skinny or fat though because there are lots of skinny guys that aren't physically active as well as chubby guys.
Anyway, that guy sounds like he is young or possibly just immature. You'll find someone that likes you for you.
I browse a dating site kind of often, and I come across a lot of big guy profiles where they're like "Not to offend, but I'm not into fat chicks/bbw." I find it kind of funny, actually.
I'm sorry you had to get that *far* with him before you realized he was a jerk. Sucks to find someone you think you'd match well with and they turn out to be pretty sucky.
I say ditch online dating! I tried it for a while, a few years back and I ran into sooo many jerks and weirdos. Bleh!
Of course, there are those out there who found love online... so who am I....
I'm sorry that happened to you! His loss though, just like you said.
I've been rejected by a guy for being overweight.... and the funny thing is, I weighed about 140 at the time. He was at least 60 pounds overweight, and he told one of my friends that he'd date me if I "lost 50 pounds". What a hypocrite.
When my husband and I separated, one of the reasons was my weight. The woman he left me for (and eventually married) gained a bunch and outweighed me by at least 50 pounds.....not sure if that split them up, or her infidelity did..... either way, evil me was amused
Keep in mind there are losers on there that will intentionally set out to pick on certain people (ie. fat girls) rather than find a mate. Trolls are not exclusive to messageboards!
One jerk doesn't make every guy a jerk - and fat doesn't magically make someone perfect in all other areas of their lives. There are fat geniuses, fat saints, fat creeps, and fat hypocrites - just as you can replace all of those fats with any other adjective (and every noun for that mater) and say the same thing.
I've not been rejected by an overweight man for being overweight, but I've known a couple overweight men who were rejected by fat women for being fat (it's actually common in the "fat acceptance" community because men outnumber women in such high numbers, that many women feel they can be extra picky - so much for "acceptance," huh?)
I do have to admit that when I was in college, I rejected a few guys for reasons I would consider shallow now. I was very afraid of being perceived as an odd couple. I never faced the dilemma of rejecting a fat guy, but I did reject a guy for being tall and skinny (I was afraid of people laughing at us). I rejected guys who were odd - not because I was uncomfortable with their oddness (sometimes I even liked it - a lot), but I was afraid of my friends laughing at him and thinking I chose him out of "desperation." I only wanted to date guys that would impress my friends on some level, because I didn't want them to think I couldn't do better. I was young, and stupid. If a very fat guy had asked me out, I probably would have said no, for fear of the comments.
Of course you could say "who did I think I was?" (and I guess the answer would be "insecure"). It's important to remember that a fat person isn't obligated to date everyone who asks, or obligated to have any better sense when it comes to what they're looking for in a partner.
People have all sorts of irrational insecurities that make no sense. You weren't rejected by a fat guy, you were rejected by a guy, a shallow, socially-inept, none-too bright guy. If he had a couple brains cells or social skills, he would have kept his prejudices to himself, knowing that even a model-thin, supermodel would likely find those comments offensive. More than likely, he was trying to say "I'm not desperate," but his words really said the reverse (the backpedaling a big clue. He was trying to leave the door open in case he did find you cute). Actually, he didn't so much reject you, as realize that you were rejecting him. He disappeared because he realized he'd stuck his foot in his mouth so deep, there was no getting it back - could he have said anything that would have made you consider giving him a second chance? (I hope not).
There are a lot of guys online who lack social skills. They're often guys who are too shy or otherwise socially unskilled to have much of a chance in real life.
I met hubby online (both of us very fat), and while we got along great online and on the phone, in person our first few dates were terrible. If I had met him in "real life," I never would have given him a chance. The funny, charismatic, fascinating, talkative guy disappeared and our first few dates were filled with a lot of silence and eye-contact avoidance (then we'd go home and talk on the phone for three hours - I almost couldn't believe it was the same guy).
Of the guys I met from my personal ad from which I met my husband, I only found three intereting enough to meet, and only my now-husband interesting enough to warrant a second date. Was I a hypocrite for not meeting some of the guys? Maybe, because some people would consider my reasons superficial - but just like any thin woman, I get to decide what's important to me in a mate (even if everyone else on the planet disagrees). Even though I was more mature and open than I was in college, I still rejected some of the guys purely on (some would argue) superficial reasons, such as age - the 19 year old college student and the 72 year old guy (I was 34 when I placed the ad). I rejected the guy who admitted that he had no teeth and didn't find wearing dentures comfortable, so he didn't. The guy who admitted that he was a recovering alcoholic. The guy who was 50 years old and 5'1" (he lied in his ad, saying he was 30 and 6'1" and then claimed both were "typos"). Some would call those superficial or even hypocritical reasons, after all "who am I" to be so picky.
I almost broke it off with hubby when I learned he was a smoker (not such a superficial reason, considering I was deathly allergic to cigarette smoke), but we worked that out.
I'm getting off topic a bit. What I mean is why are you letting this one experience, with this one guy make you think that "they're all jerks and/or hypocrites." You can make almost anyone seem like a jerk or a hypocrite (I did a pretty good job in this post of making myself look like one).
I'm not saying this guy wasn't a jerk. I'm just saying that he isn't right for you, and you're not right for him. That's much more important, and it doesn't matter who realized it first or even why. It doesn't mean that someone who is right for you doesn't exist. When I finally met my husband I had almost given up on finding a "decent" guy. It seemed like they were all too young, too old, too weird,... Superficial reasons or not, I thought the guy I was looking for didn't exist. I almost didn't respond to hubby's reply because he didn't finish college (I had my masters' degree) and I though he was a mechanic (he actually was a human resources director for an auto plant). Superficial reasons, but I didn't think I'd have much in common with someone who didn't have a similar job or educational background.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are a lot of guys out there, and most of them will be entirely wrong for you. And the guys know the same is true - there are a lot of girls out there, and most of them will be wrong for them. You're trying to find someone who's right for you, someone you'll be happy with - not just someone who'll be happy with you (and definitely not someone who will be unhappy, but fears rejection so bad that he takes what he can in order to have some one). He's trying to find someone right for him - it's obvious that neither of you are on each others list of prospective partners - and to learn that early on (no matter who discovers it) is a really good thing. This guys list may be so short that he will never find someone - but don't let your list be so long that you'll date someone you won't be happy with. Remember that your job is to reject the ones that aren't right for you, not just to wait to be accepted or rejected by someone.
It really is true that "you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince," though it isn't kissing that is the test - it's talking and listening, and knowing what you want (and knowing what you don't want, too), so you recognize your prince when you find him.
Thanks for the good laugh, Natasha! I needed to laugh because now I want to rant about that JERK!!!!
I just have to tell you a story that when I was in college, I knew a group of guys who were total loser nerds. They had nothing great going for them - they weren't good looking, they weren't interesting, they weren't nice or funny, they weren't particularly smart . . . and what type of girl did they want? They were only interested in girls who were absolutely beautiful and perfect!!!!! HUH???? They often would laugh at girls who weren't stunningly beautiful.
I finally got sick of them and said to them: "Have you guys looked in the mirror lately?".
You are so much better off without that loser!!!!!! Congratulations!!!!!!
Last edited by doingmybest; 08-12-2010 at 11:50 PM.
I have found that a huge majority of men, no matter how homely they might be, think they deserve a Miss America. You see so many men walking around the beach with a big old gut hanging over their bathing suit, but criticizing womens' figures. Let's just say I admire their self confidence and leave it at that.
I know it is disappointing to think you might have a runner for a first date and have it fall through in the "prescreening process."
Def. his loss and your gain though!
Thank goodness you were able to weed him out online and it just cost you some typing energy. Not like you had to waste splitting a movie/dinner date check or something and spend a whole night being bored by him! Whew!
What a jack hole! My first husband a s s bite was grossed out because I weighed 120 lbs and wearing a regular size 10 dress (before vanity sizing) into the hospital to deliver our daughter. I tried to keep myself thin because he was so grossed out. I had a 4 lb 5 oz baby (yes, 1 month early).
You are well rid of him. If he is starting out being that critical, then he won't improve.
It's his loss all right ,...nothing like the pot calling the kettle black!! You are better off without him! Mr. Right will show up when you least expect it and sweep you off your feet!
Haha I know! But you're right, who needs em.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nelie
I'm sorry that happened to you and he definitely sounded rude and it also sounded like he was playing off some of his own insecurities.
Having said that, people do have preferences and I'm not saying that people don't change over time as we all age and what not. I can also say even though I've been overweight all my life, in general, I've never been attracted to chubby guys. Although I wouldn't have ruled out someone based on their weight when I was dating because I think personality is more important. I also wouldn't have wanted to date someone whose fitness goals didn't line up with mine. It wouldn't matter if they were skinny or fat though because there are lots of skinny guys that aren't physically active as well as chubby guys.
Anyway, that guy sounds like he is young or possibly just immature. You'll find someone that likes you for you.
Yeah, true. I know everyone has their own preferences and limits, etc. But I still think people are ridiculous to pass something up when the pros vastly outweigh the cons. He acted like he found a speck of dirt on his apple and tossed it out. I say brush it off and enjoy the apple!
Quote:
Originally Posted by t0rn
I browse a dating site kind of often, and I come across a lot of big guy profiles where they're like "Not to offend, but I'm not into fat chicks/bbw." I find it kind of funny, actually.
I'm sorry you had to get that *far* with him before you realized he was a jerk. Sucks to find someone you think you'd match well with and they turn out to be pretty sucky.
Thanks It does suck. At least some people have the courtesy to say they aren't interested in larger people. Had he stated a preference I wouldn't have wasted my time by even talking to him.
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Originally Posted by SarahD140
I say ditch online dating! I tried it for a while, a few years back and I ran into sooo many jerks and weirdos. Bleh!
Of course, there are those out there who found love online... so who am I....
I agree! At least if you meet and talk to someone in person, you get the physical attraction figured out immediately and everyone knows what to expect and what they're getting. The only problem is finding the time and places to meet people. Everyone always says you can find someone through friends, work, and school but I'm not having much luck.
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Originally Posted by lolcat
I'm sorry that happened to you! His loss though, just like you said.
I've been rejected by a guy for being overweight.... and the funny thing is, I weighed about 140 at the time. He was at least 60 pounds overweight, and he told one of my friends that he'd date me if I "lost 50 pounds". What a hypocrite.
When my husband and I separated, one of the reasons was my weight. The woman he left me for (and eventually married) gained a bunch and outweighed me by at least 50 pounds.....not sure if that split them up, or her infidelity did..... either way, evil me was amused
Thanks Sorry to hear about your bad experience too. Though it sounds like karma got him in the end hehe. Serves him right :P
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Originally Posted by sacha
I met my husband online.
Keep in mind there are losers on there that will intentionally set out to pick on certain people (ie. fat girls) rather than find a mate. Trolls are not exclusive to messageboards!
True. I don't think this particular guy was trolling to be a jerk, I think like someone said, he's insecure, immature, and probably judgmental and miserable. There's just no pleasing some people. *shrug*
I'm glad you found a good one though.
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Originally Posted by Natasha1534
He probably has a small penis anyway...bwahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Oh come on, that was funny.
You're cute as can be and seem like a cool chick...his loss!!!
HAHA! Probably! And thank you I'm sure there's still a nice guy or two out there. Maybe I'll get lucky.
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Originally Posted by kaplods
One jerk doesn't make every guy a jerk......
Probably so. I know it's not really because of me. He obviously cares more about what other people think. It outweighed the fact that he was attracted to me and my personality. So much that it probably never occurred to him that who I am is who I am, but things like weight can always change. I'm not too concerned with changing his mind though.
"There are a lot of guys online who lack social skills. They're often guys who are too shy or otherwise socially unskilled to have much of a chance in real life."
^this
The way I see it, is he probably has a lot of good qualities to offer someone, but he didn't stick around long enough to put them to action with me. And although I'm disappointed, I'm not going to chase after him. He blew it, not I. And if he can find someone better for him and skinnier than I, kudos to him.
You're right, we weren't right for each other. Based on a character flaw he has. He throws the baby out with the water. Definitely not my type. It's just a shame he's alienating people with his own problems and insecurities. That's probably exactly why he's alone...
What upsets me is not so much that he rejected me, it's that he's judging me and other people negatively on a characteristic that he possesses. The fact that he does that is really unattractive and hurtful. I honestly don't know how he ever expects to find ANYONE when he thinks it's acceptable to treat people that way.
Quote:
Originally Posted by doingmybest
Thanks for the good laugh, Natasha! I needed to laugh because now I want to rant about that JERK!!!!
I just have to tell you a story that when I was in college, I knew a group of guys who were total loser nerds. They had nothing great going for them - they weren't good looking, they weren't interesting, they weren't nice or funny, they weren't particularly smart . . . and what type of girl did they want? They were only interested in girls who were absolutely beautiful and perfect!!!!! HUH???? They often would laugh at girls who weren't stunningly beautiful.
I finally got sick of them and said to them: "Have you guys looked in the mirror lately?".
You are so much better off without that loser!!!!!! Congratulations!!!!!!
Thanks I know what you mean. I've met some of those types as well.
And I'm sure that guy will get exactly what he's looking for and what he deserves. A judgmental b*tch who treats him the way he treats her haha.
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Originally Posted by PaulaM
I have found that a huge majority of men, no matter how homely they might be, think they deserve a Miss America. You see so many men walking around the beach with a big old gut hanging over their bathing suit, but criticizing womens' figures. Let's just say I admire their self confidence and leave it at that.
Haha, yeah... And all I have to say is "Thank you Social Darwinism."
Quote:
Originally Posted by astrophe
I know it is disappointing to think you might have a runner for a first date and have it fall through in the "prescreening process."
Def. his loss and your gain though!
Thank goodness you were able to weed him out online and it just cost you some typing energy. Not like you had to waste splitting a movie/dinner date check or something and spend a whole night being bored by him! Whew!
GL!
A.
Yeah, I guess when you think about it, he did me a favor. He certainly didn't waste anytime being a jack*ss.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cbmare
What a jack hole! My first husband a s s bite was grossed out because I weighed 120 lbs and wearing a regular size 10 dress (before vanity sizing) into the hospital to deliver our daughter. I tried to keep myself thin because he was so grossed out. I had a 4 lb 5 oz baby (yes, 1 month early).
You are well rid of him. If he is starting out being that critical, then he won't improve.
You are better than that.
Thank you I'm sorry your husband's so judgmental about something so small. People like that upset me because someday we're all going to get old and fat and look less attractive and have physical flaws, and we won't be able to help it. Does that mean we should all be jerks to each other or stop loving each other? Should we love our kids less if they aren't attractive? In the grand scheme of things, does it really matter? Does being thinner make anyone a better person? Not really. At least not to my knowledge.
People being judgmental to the point of being hurtful for no reason doesn't make sense to me. What was that thing we learned in kindergarten.... If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all?
Thank you I'm sorry your husband's so judgmental about something so small. People like that upset me because someday we're all going to get old and fat and look less attractive and have physical flaws, and we won't be able to help it. Does that mean we should all be jerks to each other or stop loving each other? Should we love our kids less if they aren't attractive? In the grand scheme of things, does it really matter? Does being thinner make anyone a better person? Not really. At least not to my knowledge.
People being judgmental to the point of being hurtful for no reason doesn't make sense to me. What was that thing we learned in kindergarten.... If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all?[/QUOTE]
There is a post somewhere around here that I did years back telling that I saw a recent picture of him. He is rotund now.
I, too, was brought up with the same thing. "Can't say anything nice? Say nothing." Sometimes you have to do that.
Rejected by a fat guy?!
I needed to laugh because now I want to rant about that JERK!!!! 
