[bunnythesAINT]

Hey there chickies!
So I’m having some problems right now both mental and physical (doesn't that sound dramatic). Last Tuesday I had a small procedure done on my lower back to help get rid of a recurring problem that I was having (just to be as vague as possible not to gross anyone out) and because of it I haven’t been able to exercise. At all. I mean I can walk around the house and stuff but definitely nothing like I’m use to. Anyways this also means that I have had to rely completely on what I eat alone. I cut down to 1,200 a day and, to be honest, I haven’t even been hitting 1,200. Not even close. And to be honest there have been days where I’ve intentionally dipped below 1,000, some days were not intentional. I’m completely scared about gaining and that what I’m eating isn’t really X calories.
To tackle the first thing I said, scared of gaining, I have two reasons. Right before I had the back-thing done my mom called the drs to give them some info before hand and she said my weight was 250. Sure she didn’t mean anything bad, she was really just guessing, but I felt SO horrible after hearing that. I’ve worked hard to be this far away from 250 but I still look it? I mean I’m short but damn I didn’t think I looked ‘that big’ I mean it just really felt like a slap in the face when she said that even though she didn’t mean any harm. This made me want to work harder. Secondly I have two big ‘reunions’ coming up. I’m due to see my friend who I haven’t seen in nearly a year in a couple of weeks. I mean she’s never cared about my weight or anything but I’m nervous to see her! I want her to notice but at the same time I don’t. She has a very large family and her mom is a very good cook but the thing is its ‘regular food’. Its home cooked like traditional home cooked no calorie content available food. I don’t want to like insult them by not eating, so I’ll eat, but intuitive eating has NOT worked out for me at all. I plan to take really small portions until I feel full enough but I’m worried the old-me will take over.
The second ‘big thing’ is I’m seeing my dad for the first time in like four or five years. My mom and dad are divorced and he’s allll the way in New York so I never see him but this summer he’s really been pushing for me to go down. The thing is, the last time I went down both him and my step-mom mentioned my weight and how I should try to lose weight. They’ve never seen me at high weight so I don’t think they’ll know I’ve been losing and I’m worried they’ll bring it up again. My step mom had WLS, actually, a few weeks before the last time I saw my dad and I just feel so pressured to lose as much as I can before I see them. I mean that sounds so wrong I know but I don’t want them commenting on my weight, that shizznizzle just hurts. Also my family down there is very ‘traditional hispanic’ with all the rice and beans and all that stuff. I’m cool with some brown rice but the food they make down there is very non-plan friendly (at least the way I’ve seen them make it!). I might talk to my dad about this the next time I call him but I’m really afraid to tell him because I don’t want him to have his expectations of what I look like to be too high, I think (I really don’t know because I never weighed myself much before I started this journey) I’m bigger than I was when I last saw him so, this all worries me.
I’m also quite paranoid about raising my calories. I know that once I can exercise to my fullest again it’s a necessity because exercise does make me a little hungry but for now I just can’t bring myself to do it. I’m so paranoid about what I’m eating. I’m staying with my grandparents because my mom wasn’t going to be able to help me if I needed help after the back-thing and my grandma has been trying to give me more food. I know I should eat more but there have been days where I have genuinely not been all that hungry, like I said. One morning she came in with a tray that had a big bowl of shredded wheat drowning in milk and a piece of toast slathered in butter. She told me to eat it all in her angry grandma voice and left and I ate the cereal and guesstimated its damage to my calories but I had to hide the toast from her. That sucker had like 300 calories worth of butter on it and that’s a major dent to my day. I feel bad because I know that this is not healthy, says my rational side, but my crazy side is telling me that I’m going to gain if I go up. I really really do not want to gain. I have made a promise to myself to go back to school under 200 pounds and I want to keep that promise but it seems like there are a lot more obstacles this summer than I thought there would be.
I need some advice, support, and hugs. I need some nice warm hugs bad, yo.

[gardenerjoy]

Here's a hug! I love giving advice, but I don't know that I have anything that will be that helpful for you in this moment. If you can chill out, just a little, relax, just a little, remember that there's still going to be a lot of summer left when you will be able to exercise, I suspect that will help the most.

Anyway, here's another hug!

[bunnythesAINT]

Thanks for the hugs

[gardenerjoy]

How are you feeling today, bunny? Is your back feeling a bit better? Is your outlook any sunnier?

[bunnythesAINT]

Yes lol. My back is doing good and I guess I'm a bit more optimistic. I'm going to call my dad tonight but I'm still nervous about it. He's going to think that I'm going to look skinny and sure I look smaller than I did before but not skinny.

[gardenerjoy]

Glad to hear you're doing a bit better. Good luck with the phone call to your dad.

[luciddepths]

have you thought of just telling your dad that you are working on losing weight? Let them know maybe how you are doing it, let them know how much you've lost so far... let them know they may not see a difference because you did gain then lose again since they last seen you.


OR say nothing at all

[bunnythesAINT]

Mm thank you gardener =].
I've thought about not telling him (yeah so I didn't call him last night because I was too nervous) but I don't want to have him being on me about any odd eating habits I've developed. I may not tell him. Thank you for the reply luciddepths =].

[toobig]

Hugs!!!!

[bunnythesAINT]

Thank you

[Moondance]

I think you should tell him. He doesn't need details, but you can tell him your eating habit have changed and you'd be happy to help prepare meals that you'll all enjoy that stay on plan. If you don't tell them something is different, you won't have a good reason for not eating the foods they prepare.

Don't be afraid to stick up for yourself and your needs. You may be surprised at how proud your dad is of you for having a plan and sticking to it, therefore losing weight successfully.

Don't worry about the what-if's. You can never think of them all, you have no control over them or what anyone else thinks.

Be strong! You can do it!

:hugs:

[bunnythesAINT]

True, true. I guess I'm just paranoid about that, too! I think I will tell him, though. Thank you for the hugs =].