[Hamoco350]

I don't post here very often, but as I've been on my weight loss journey this issue has bugged me - I thought I would ask you chicks about it.

I started my journey at 304 pounds in Sept. of last year. I am really young, and just recently finished my sophomore year of college. I had been morbidly obese my entire life, literally. Because of this, or so I assumed or let myself believe, I never went on a single date. I have never even kissed a guy or held hands with one. I have no clue what to do around men, how to flirt (on purpose, anyway) or anything like that. I have just never received attention from guys before..

So before my weight loss I had no luck with men. Right now, during my weight loss, I would not accept a date even if asked - because my sole focus is on weight loss right now. I seriously can't fathom the idea of a relationship while experiencing what I am these days. So I want to wait until I am much closer to my final goal weight, whatever that may be.

Here is my dilemma. I am absolutely terrified of being alone, inexperienced, and clueless. I am afraid that I will get down to my goal weight and guys still won't like me. Or possibly I'll have luck with guys but I'll feel like a traitor for accepting attention from guys who wouldn't have looked twice at me before.

I am really afraid of a guy meeting me as a thin person and being disgusted by the former pictures of me he'll see or the self esteem issues I will surely still have in some aspects of life. I worry too about guys seeing the excess skin, leftover stretch marks and etc. and being bothered by it..

I am just really thinking about this lately and I wondered if anyone could give me some insight.

[bonnnie]

My experience:

I had one boyfriend that would always grab the excess skin under my arms or the little pouch skin on my stomach, making me feel unattractive. He would tell me I just had to get a better workout routine to 'pump up' my muscles.... he would never believe that my excess skin was not fatty flab - that it was really purely skin from being obese!

He was quite skinny and had self-esteem issues with his own scrawny, no- muscle body (among other mental issues!).

My boyfriend at the present has never said a single word about any of my skin - in fact he only tells me how perfect my body is... that I don't need to gain or lose weight.

He is thin, good looking, an avid jogger - he has a normal amount of confidence in the way he looks. For him, it is important that we regularly go jogging together and play sports b/c we both have fun doing it.

So, my experience is if you meet someone without confidence, with their own bodily issues, they will probably notice and comment on your body. However, if you meet someone who is well-rounded, confident in him/herself, then any minor flaws are quite easily overlooked and present absolutely no problems.

[astrophe]

I met my spouse in college when I was slimmer, and he's seen me go up 100 lb and down and up... Never made me feel loved any different.

Try not to worry too much about it. If you find someone you want to date, just ask them out!

A.

[jennyplain]

Don't worry about feeling inexperienced - remember, you're in control of the situation, and you can take it as slow or as fast as you want. If someone likes you, he's going to be willing to help you get comfortable and relax. If he's not willing to do that, then he's not worth your time.

For a long time, I felt like I wasn't worthy of being paid attention to by men. So I would laugh it off. But I discovered that being honest helps a lot. The first guy I ever went all the way with, I was really straightforward about it, and I flat out said, "I've never done this before." He was really nice about it, and it ended up being a great first time. I didn't stay with him, but I couldn't think of a better person to have worked out those details with.

Confidence, as the ladies above me have said, is the key. If you are confident in yourself, it makes a lot of things easier with regard to relationships.

[CarbsAreEvil]

I started dating my boyfriend after I'd lost about 60 pounds. He's seen my loose skin and belly and he still thinks my body is "so sexy" lol. Don't worry about it.

And about the traitor thing. I used to always think about all the men I'd turn down when I got smaller...trust me, when you're smaller, that's the last thing on your mind. You can't get mad at a man for liking the way one shape looks opposed to another.

Bottom line, for every pound you lose, let it go.

[nelie]

I started dating my husband when I was around 300 lbs although he knew me at my highest weight. He has been very understanding and supportive of my weight loss and how it has affected me. I wouldn't worry about someone being disgusted with your before pictures.

[ennay]

Good men are not nearly as shallow as we fear.

Shallow men tend to have few redeeming characteristics anyway and a boatload of insecurities to go with it.


I think of it almost the opposite. I would hate to meet a man when I was really really fit because I would be less secure that he was in to ME. Your weight battles might be a good "loser early detection system "

[canadianwoman]

Originally Posted by Hamoco350

I am really afraid of a guy meeting me as a thin person and being disgusted by the former pictures of me he'll see or the self esteem issues I will surely still have in some aspects of life. I worry too about guys seeing the excess skin, leftover stretch marks and etc. and being bothered by it..

Any guy that is like that is not worth being with. Trust me...I know from experience.

[OrganizedChaos]

Originally Posted by canadianwoman

Any guy that is like that is not worth being with. Trust me...I know from experience.

My thoughts exactly. Even without previous experience with men, once you meet a loser, you can recognize one from a mile away. I wouldn't worry too much about feeling like a traitor. If they didn't know you before you can't really hold that against them. You don't want to miss a chance at a great guy just because he shows interest when you are skinnier that you were a few years ago.

[Gold32]

Oh sweetie. (I never use that phrase, funny how it came to mind now?) Some day, you will meet someone who loves you for YOU. Not your body fat percentage. They will love your smile, the way you laugh, your personality, and they won't care one wit about how heavy you are, past, present, future. And they will have a whole host of their own concerns. How do you know they will have more "experience" than you? They may even have less (oh, it's possible), or have other problems! You work on them together.

My philosophy on love: let things happen naturally. Don't force anything. Don't ask awkward questions that don't need to be asked. Don't turn someone down just because they don't "seem your type." Don't set rules for yourself that you don't need. For example, while I understand you wanting to focus on your weight loss and health goals, you may be missing a wonderful opportunity. Don't turn someone down on that reason alone, especially if it's purely from insecurity.

You are essentially asking, "at what weight should I get a boyfriend?" Weight, my friend, should have nothing to do with it. This question shouldn't exist. And even if you could answer it, there is absolutely no garuntee you could stick to it (or would want to).

And yes, if you are dead set to wait until you are "skinny," any boy that looks at the previous you, or signs of higher weight, and is "grossed out" or whatever, does NOT deserve your time or attention. But you don't want to spend your life with a shallow, narrow-minded person anyway. There is a line though- being surprised is perfectly understandable. And that's a compliment!

We all have barriers to overcome. You just have to trust that anyone worth it will overcome them with you, and screw anyone else.

[Gold32]

Originally Posted by ennay

Good men are not nearly as shallow as we fear.

Shallow men tend to have few redeeming characteristics anyway and a boatload of insecurities to go with it.

This. This is so true. There are a whole host of good men, even skinny, athletic, good men who aren't nearly as shallow as you would think. My skinny, very athletic friend recently married a woman at least 100lbs over weight. He cares about her good heart more than her good size. And there are others, I promise. Many of them, all from their own shapes and sizes.

[sacha]

A good man will support you through thick and thin. Remember, even if you had the typical "perfect" body (whatever that is) when you meet a man, it will not last forever. As you age and become a mother, your body will change. I say this as someone who met my husband in my 4th year of maintenance. I am now pregnant (due tomorrow) - my former mark-free flat abs is now a bulging mass of stretchmarks (some of the worst the doctor had ever seen), and I am 40lbs heavier. Even when I cry over it, my husband tells me, "you are beautiful".

The right man will do the same for you. Women also are far too hard on themselves. When we are dressed up for a date or naked in front of a good man, we think "Oh god, he sees this mark here, that roll there, this here" ... but a man just thinks "Wow... she dressed up for me!" or "Wow... do I really have a naked woman in front of me? COOL!". They don't care about the scale.

The rest of them... well, too **** with them. There are superficial men and women everywhere. I don't know many of them that are truly happy - who wants to associate with that anyways?

[nicholeg]

Savvy Student: Here is a little story......I was with this man for about 3 1/2 years. I wasn't allowed to come home until I went to the gym, if I did he would make me feel horrible about myself. I wasn't allowed to eat what I wanted. If I had something that was not a salad I would hear about it. He told me that he wanted to marry me and have a baby but he was terrified that I would get to FAT!! (His exact words) Really? (oh and not to mention he had 3 children from a broken relationship and I treated him like a god) I dumped that jerk almost a year ago and I am now with the sweetest man that doesn't care if I am 400 pounds or 95 as long as I am happy!! There are a ton of men out there that can make you feel horrible and they are the ones that are not worth your time. Have confidence in yourself!! It has nothing to do with the couple of pounds you want to lose. Guys like girls that are confident, not always skinny and the guys that want only skinny girls have other issues, it is not your issue!! Just smile and be happy with yourself and focus on getting to your goals. That is all that matters and when you are ready, Mr RIGHT will come along and sweep you off of your feet!!

[bnorah]

Originally Posted by nicholeg

Savvy Student: Here is a little story......I was with this man for about 3 1/2 years. I wasn't allowed to come home until I went to the gym, if I did he would make me feel horrible about myself. I wasn't allowed to eat what I wanted. If I had something that was not a salad I would hear about it. He told me that he wanted to marry me and have a baby but he was terrified that I would get to FAT!! (His exact words) Really? (oh and not to mention he had 3 children from a broken relationship and I treated him like a god) I dumped that jerk almost a year ago and I am now with the sweetest man that doesn't care if I am 400 pounds or 95 as long as I am happy!! There are a ton of men out there that can make you feel horrible and they are the ones that are not worth your time. Have confidence in yourself!! It has nothing to do with the couple of pounds you want to lose. Guys like girls that are confident, not always skinny and the guys that want only skinny girls have other issues, it is not your issue!! Just smile and be happy with yourself and focus on getting to your goals. That is all that matters and when you are ready, Mr RIGHT will come along and sweep you off of your feet!!

AMEN!! This is why I remain single. I'm so focused on myself for once that I'm not worried about what others think of me. I'm having to learn to let go of the bad and just overall learn to love myself before I can expect anyone else to love me too.

[souvenirdarling]

weight = loser detection system
AGREED!

I fell or my Monsieur when I was at my heaviest and most unhappy. I am happier and healthier then ever. I couldn't have done it without his, 'You're so beautiful/Ilove your thighs/Don't lose too much, I'll miss your behind." etc.