[EZMONEY]

"Give a man all the sex he wants and everything else will fall into place"....

How does that make all you ladies feel?

My brother in law and I heard a lady say this today (by way of a letter) on Dr. Laura on our drive home from work.

The lady said her mom gave her that advice on her wedding day. She said she failed at times to do it but she also said LIFE seems so much better when she does what her mom had said.

being a man I can honestly say...when my wife and I have date night she owns me...she knows it...I know it!

I have seen over the years how those questions come up...you know the ones ...the "what do you think about (fill in the blank)...."

You gals never care what we think....

but we all know it is much better all the way around for us guys to think that you women do care what we think....

So...what do you think?

Good advice or not?

[ANewCreation]

Yep, it is true. And by the way, I think most women really do care what guys think. We may not understand why guys think the way they do but we care...

[bex]

Haha its so true.

[lizziep]

i don't like it. it feels like she is suggesting that if you give a man sex you can control or manipulate him. and while for some men that might be true, i would like to think that a committed relationship is about more then that.

[kaplods]

Hubby and I have a great relationship, but it's a lot of work, and I think sex has little to do with it (oh, it's in the mix, it's just not the foremost ingredient).

I knew marriage was going to be a challenge, because I'm a loner at heart. I have to consciously work at social behavior to avoid being a hermit. 3FC has both helped and aggravated my hermitage. One one hand I meet and talk with more people, and on the other, I can turn my friends "off" whenever I want to, so I tend to be more inpatient with my irl friends.

Sexually hubby and I are extremely compatible. It's the "easiest" part of our relationship, but that doesn't smooth over everything else. We still have different viewpoints on how to spend money. We both have different styles of religious faith. I'm a quester and questioner (needing to "study" and understand), hubby's a "simple" faith kind of guy (it is - just because it is). I'm a "nester" and he's a social butterfly.

I wouldn't exactly call us opposites. In some ways, I've never met a person on the planet MORE like me. We have the same (scary) sense of humor. We both have a strong sense of individuality and even pride in our oddness.

I went into marriage (at 35) looking at it much like the Peace Corps (the toughest job you'll ever love).

[Fressca]

I vote... true. At least, it is in my (very happy) marriage!

ETA: I don't look at it as controlling or manipulating. I look at having sex as often as he wants to as a valuable investment towards keeping him happy and content, just as he goes out of his way to keep me happy and content.

[Robsia]

My OH and I have sex all the time and we still have arguments. And FTR I don't GIVE him sex, nor does he GIVE me sex - we give it to each other.

I loathe the concept of sex being a bartering tool, or of a woman withholding sex till she gets what she wants.

[eclipse]

I think if a woman is having sex a lot when she'd really rather not be, everything might fall in place for the man, but she very well could be miserable.

[CrystalZ10]

You can give a guy anything he wants, and if he's a selfish jerk, than he'll still wander.
I agree, one doesn't do all the giving, it happens on both sides. I respect my husbands opinion. He's the head of our household, but he still asks for my thoughts before making choices that affect the both of us.

[kaplods]

Originally Posted by Robsia

My OH and I have sex all the time and we still have arguments. And FTR I don't GIVE him sex, nor does he GIVE me sex - we give it to each other.

I loathe the concept of sex being a bartering tool, or of a woman withholding sex till she gets what she wants.

Good point! I'd also like to point out that it isn't always the man with the higher sex drive in a relationship (and the man isn't always the primary initiator, either).

I find it weird that as much as sexual attitudes have changed over the past few decades, it's still so common to find people thinking that the man is "supposed to be" more interested than the woman, and he should be the one to initiate sex most of the time (unless it's his birthday). Or for that matter that "his" sexual satisfaction is more important to the relationship than hers - after all, sex isn't all that important to women... (and it's both men and women I've met with these attitudes).

I've been surprised thateven some of the most "unconventional" of people I've met, often still hold some very archaic beliefs about sex and relationships and gender roles.

If I'm honest with myself I'm not expempt, I hold some of them too, but some of them are silly. Even before I noticed my decline (due to health issues) in reaction-time and night vision, hubby always drove. Neither of us "decided" that he would always drive - we just fell into the habit of him driving, because "the man drives" (we never said or thought about it, it just happened).

[mandalinn82]

Ugh, this statement makes me very unhappy.

First of all, it perpetuates the idea that women have lower sex drives than their partners, and that while men "want" sex, women just "give" it. Which is not the case at all, in many relationships.

Second, people in relationships do SO MANY things to make eachother happy and improve eachothers lives. This statement reduces a woman's worth in all of those things to one thing...sex. Which I find to be horribly objectifying. As if all a woman really needs to bring to a relationship is her ability to "give" sex...any other attributes she may offer are unnecessary for anyone's happiness.

[kaplods]

And it's an attitude that is not only disrespectful to women, but men as well. I cringe when I hear women talk about their men as if they're idiots or puppies - easily amused, distracted and controlled. Want to distract a husband from an irresponsible shoe purchase, do something "special" in the bedroom! - Yeah, I've actually heard THAT conversation - in a workplace cafeteria! Blegh! (it took every ounce of inner fortitude not to make the finger down the throat gesture).

Does anyone really want a partner who can be made happy simply with sex (or shoes, or cash or anything for that matter)? Nothing else is on his or her mind? Nothing else is more important? Talk about a one note relationship. If all he (or she) is interested in is sex (or whatever), that's all it will take to make that person happy - but I've met very few women or men who are that simple (and the ones I have met scare me).

[Blackberry Fields]

Originally Posted by kaplods

I cringe when I hear women talk about their men as if they're idiots or puppies

GAH. See every sitcom/unfunny comedy ever made. Even some commercials. Seeing men infantilized that way drives me every bit as crazy as seeing men still doing the same to women when it comes to important decisions.

It sometimes feel like I just follow you around the board nodding my head, but I can't help it... I love, love, love your posts.

I'm a loner at heart. I have to consciously work at social behavior to avoid being a hermit.

Hehe. My... somewhat significant other (we haven't figured it out yet...) and I have a "But... but... what is the social protocol for this?" inside joke because we're often clueless about social behaviors (I'm far more clueless than she is). One thing we're NOT confused about though is that as women we really don't have a lower sex drive than men, we don't feel guilty about it and it's not a bartering tool.

[WarMaiden]

I think that the importance of sex in a partnered relationship is a function of how important it is, as an emotional/physical need, to each partner. I was married to a man with a lower sex drive than me at one time, and sex was definitely not the way to his heart; rather it was a topic of difficulty and strain for us. In my current marriage, sex is very important to both of us, but more important to my husband. Because I know (from an analytical standpoint) how important sex is to him, then I am pretty careful to make sure he gets a sufficient quantity and quality of it. There have been times in our marriage when I have neglected nearly everything about our relationship OTHER than the sex, and that actually made him not a happy camper at all; he has more emotional needs than simply sex.

So in short, while I think that sex (both quantity and quality) is important to the majority of men, I don't think sex is the only thing that is important to men, nor that sex alone will fix everything in a relationship.

I also think that sex can be an important glue in a relationship, however, there may be relationships where sex is not the most effective glue. Rather, perhaps something like recreational activities or conversation or shared financial/career achievement would be the glue in those cases.

[Viviane]

Originally Posted by mandalinn82

Ugh, this statement makes me very unhappy.

First of all, it perpetuates the idea that women have lower sex drives than their partners, and that while men "want" sex, women just "give" it. Which is not the case at all, in many relationships.

Second, people in relationships do SO MANY things to make eachother happy and improve eachothers lives. This statement reduces a woman's worth in all of those things to one thing...sex. Which I find to be horribly objectifying. As if all a woman really needs to bring to a relationship is her ability to "give" sex...any other attributes she may offer are unnecessary for anyone's happiness.

Completely agree. What about our sex drive? It's like, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was put on this earth to service my husband...as soon as I cook his dinner and fix him a drink, I'll get right to it!" (This line of thinking is pretty typical of "Dr." Laura. Her PhD is in physiology, by the way).
If the majority of the time you're having sex with your partner, you're doing so only to satisfy their needs, you may want to look at why that is. Great sex can make an already great relationship even better, but it cannot be the foundation. This is especially true if only the needs of one partner are satisfied and the other is doing it out of obligation. All great sex does to a terrible or lacking relationship is prolong its inevitable death.