Hello everyone...I'm new here so I thought I should probably let you guys know a little more about me.
I was diagnosed as Bipolar when I was 17. And through the years..they've also added Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Borderline Personality.
The last 15 years have been ****. I've gained 150 pounds from my depression..lost all my friends..tried and failed to go to college three times. My self-esteem is non-existent. My self-hatred nearly overwhelming.
I haven't had a boyfriend in thirteen years. I've been alone (aside from my parents) for so long... I don't even remember what it's like to have friends or a boyfriend. But I am so ashamed of my weight that I hate to go out in public because I will be surrounded by reminders and evidence of everything I don't have. I see women my age with friends... boyfriends... husbands... children.
I have tried so many times to lose weight over the years. I've joined gyms...used work out videos...Weight Watchers...swimming...walking...but my emotional problems have always ruined every attempt I've ever made. I've almost come to look at my mental illness as a physical thing...completely separate from me that I am forced to live with...that is constantly working against me. Making it impossible for me to do anything. So after so many years of trying my hardest... giving it every thing I had... and still failing...I lost all hope. I reached rock bottom. And tried to force myself to accept that this will be my life... That I will die alone and never have anything remotely close to a "normal" life. I will never get to experience romance...dating... falling in love... marriage... sex.
That was about 6-8 months ago. I don’t really know what’s changed. Maybe I just needed an emotional break from beating myself up over failing all the time. I was emotionally exhausted. Hating yourself takes a lot out of you.
I am in the process now of trying to find a counselor that I can work with on a weekly basis.
I would like to have the Lap-band done but it seems I am too emotionally unstable for them to approve me right now. So that will be another one of my goals…to get stable enough to have the surgery.
Right now I am just taking it one day at a time. I tend to get discouraged easily because of my lack of self-esteem so I am trying not to set myself up for failure this time. My goal concerning exercise right now is to walk for at least 20-30 minutes every day. I also need to get control over my eating habits. I have terrible self-control when it comes to food, especially sweets. I’ve been a compulsive, emotional overeater for years so that is going to be difficult for me.
I am starting out by taking baby-steps. I replaced half my Diet Coke consumption with flavored water, stopped keeping sweets in the house, and replaced my snacks with fruits I enjoy. I will be paying attention to calories, but right now my biggest concern is portion control. Learning to eat like a normal person.
I just want to be able to get through the days without hating myself so much. I haven’t been living. I’m simply existing. And if things continue on the path they have been…I will end up completely hopeless, despondent, hospitalized, or worse.
For a pic of me check out my ABOUT page on my 3FC diet blog.
:-)
I know what it's like to battle your mental demons. They were a big HUGE problem of my own problem. Not only did it lead to me to turn to food (and at one point gain 90lbs because of it) but it led me down the alcohol, drug, and sexual deviance road too. Food and weight wasn't my only problem. It was just my last problem. I wiped one out at a time, basically. First drugs, then alcohol (and with that went the sexual deviance).... now I'm concentrating on my food problem and my health and weight.
I was a horrible cutter too, on top of it, a basketcase that couldn't get through the week without drowning my problems in alcohol and tears. Night was **** because it felt like my past and depressed voices in my head were stalking me.
And you know what?
I'll be the first person to tell you that you can beat it. It ain't easy. It ain't MEANT to be easy.
But clean house girl... get those cobwebs of depression RIGHT outta your head, quit letting them rule your life! Keep telling yourself, especially on days that you feel like giving up and giving in, the more you keep at it, the better you're going to feel... and the better you're going to feel.... the farther away you push those demons! And eventually, one day, they'll be gone. I have faith in that. Mine still lurk sometimes.... but I give them the least amount of time I can and get up and pick myself up the next day and keep movin!
I know you can too.... because you have the WANT to do so. Now just add the commitment in your heart and don't let go.
Those demons don't rule you unless you let them!
Last edited by starfishkitty; 01-06-2010 at 04:37 AM.
Welcome! Taking baby steps is exactly the right approach. I am glad you are here and look forward to learning of your progress. You came to the right place to get support, advice, and encouragement.
First of all, it sounds like you could use a hug. I'm so glad you joined here-I think you'll find a lot of support. I've been a lurker for so long, but I've seen how wonderful everyone here is. You're doing great on your baby steps. Keep it up. I've battled my own mental demons for most of my life. Most of mine comes from an extremely abusive childhood (every abuse you can imagine-physical, mental, emotional, sexual, etc), then my son died, I lost my faith for a little while but it's back stronger than ever, my mom threatened to kill me when I started speaking out about the sexual abuse in our home, etc. My sister is bipolar, so I understand a little bit where you're coming from.
I know you don't even know me, but if you need to talk to someone, an accountability buddy, etc, just pm me.
I can really relate to what you're saying. I am 27 and was diagnosed with a bunch of psychiatric problems at 18.
I also deal with a lot of self-loathing, and it's really hard. One thing that I found really helped me on my weight loss journey was to get rid of my scale. I know it sounds weird, but we can use our weight to beat ourselves up. I used to weigh every day and feel frustrated and angry with myself if I didn't lose, so I would binge, and that just led to more weight gain, and so on. Now I weigh myself once every couple of weeks (at my mom's), and it is a lot better.
Hugs and lots of luck. Feel free to PM me if you want someone to talk to
First off...thank you all so much for your wonerful comments and encouragement! It means so much to me! You guys are really some of the only ones I am talking about this stuff with. I have one friend who is sort of going on a diet too but she is already really skinny. She just needs to tone up a bit. But she has been a wonderful support.
I'm not talking to my parents about my progress because they have seen me try and fail so many times they have lost all faith in me when I say I am going to do something. So I don't get much support from them.
Their support will come when I actually start losing the weight and they notice and then I can tell them what I've been doing and they'll have to believe me because the evidence is right in front of thier eyes.
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First of all, it sounds like you could use a hug. I'm so glad you joined here-I think you'll find a lot of support. I've been a lurker for so long, but I've seen how wonderful everyone here is. You're doing great on your baby steps. Keep it up. I've battled my own mental demons for most of my life. Most of mine comes from an extremely abusive childhood (every abuse you can imagine-physical, mental, emotional, sexual, etc), then my son died, I lost my faith for a little while but it's back stronger than ever, my mom threatened to kill me when I started speaking out about the sexual abuse in our home, etc. My sister is bipolar, so I understand a little bit where you're coming from.
I know you don't even know me, but if you need to talk to someone, an accountability buddy, etc, just pm me.
Thank you so much! And thank you for offering your support! I just might take you up on that!
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But clean house girl... get those cobwebs of depression RIGHT outta your head, quit letting them rule your life! Keep telling yourself, especially on days that you feel like giving up and giving in, the more you keep at it, the better you're going to feel... and the better you're going to feel.... the farther away you push those demons! And eventually, one day, they'll be gone. I have faith in that. Mine still lurk sometimes.... but I give them the least amount of time I can and get up and pick myself up the next day and keep movin!
You have no idea how inspiring this was to read!! I think I am going to copy it down and keep in in my journal for days like yesterday when I'm having a touch time.
And once again I'd like to thank all of you for commenting and being so supportive and caring! I feel so welcome here already and that makes a big difference in keeping me coming back!
Heya hon, I was diagnosed bipolar at 14, borderline at 20, with general anxiety as well thrown on top. I was hospitalized 11 times and the hospital food ....augh. they do nothing but feed you and give you drugs that make you fat! haha..
I've been mostly stable for 5 years and pretty much totally stable for over two years now with the occasional blip on the bipolar radar, (am 30 now and well medicated! we CAN get better ) always taken care of so fast that it didnt' do much damage. (Have you tried IPSRT? It's an amazing bipolar therapy and brand sparkly new). I hope you find a good counselor and if you don't at first just keep looking, you are worth it. The ladies here have been a great support to me. Even when I'm avoiding this place the ghost of them somehow manages to get me back on track.
(Have you tried IPSRT? It's an amazing bipolar therapy and brand sparkly new)
I had never heard of it but I looked it up and it sounds like something I could really use! I will definitley speak to my counselor about it (when I settle on one). Or make sure I find a counselor who uses it.
Here's a little bit about me...
I wiped one out at a time, basically. First drugs, then alcohol (and with that went the sexual deviance).... now I'm concentrating on my food problem and my health and weight. 
Mine still lurk sometimes.... but I give them the least amount of time I can and get up and pick myself up the next day and keep movin!
