[rockinrobin]

well not EVER, but since I overhauled my lifestyle.

It was ugly. I had ice cream three times. I bought a candy bar.

It all started after my daughters engagement party last Saturday night. I had been excellent till then and feeling FABULOUS. I was POP for weeks leading up to it, had shed some excess pounds that I'd been dragging around. Was well within my 5 lb range. I was feeling firmly in the groove and LOVING it. Every day made me realize and appreciate how much I enjoy this healthy lifestyle.

I wore a FABULOUS outfit. Incredibly fitted, body hugging black slinky mermaid type skirt with an extremely fitted bronze-y raw silk wrap shirt. Got oodles of compliments, felt fabulous.

I planned to splurge that night. I was too busy socializing and having the time of my life to eat - maybe I took a little fruit.

The party wraps up and the caterer wraps up the leftovers for us to take home. Tons of pastries, cookies, petit fours, barely eaten gooey chocolate cakes, a cheesecake and the fabulous looking pasta I had my eyes on all evening.

I quickly give away most of the stuff. I bring home the pasta, one cake and some pastries.

We get home and I had me a big bowl of the pasta. It was very good.

Then I had some cake.

Then I had some pastries.

Then I had some more pasta.

I am feeling stuffed beyond belief. Literally in pain.

Sunday comes. I had some more pasta. And some more cake. And some more pastries. And a LOT of - cereal.

Monday comes, I toss everything but the gooey cake - I freeze that - after I had about two bites of it.

The whole day I am "looking" for food. Managaged to keep it somewhat in check.

Tuesday, I am constantly "looking" for food. I managed to keep it mostly in check, can't stop looking though and thinking about food.

Wednesday, I am still looking. I'm out shopping and bought myself a scoop of ice cream. Haven't done that in like forever. Get home and I am still looking. And looking. And finding healthy foods to eat - just lots of it.

Thursday- still looking, looking - I HATE that feeling, hadn't had it in a looong time. Overate healthy foods. Oh and crackers. Did you ever notice how there's the word CRACK in crackers? No coincidence. It's there for a reason. Once I start I can't stop. Luckily we keep it low key for New Years.

Friday comes. Not good. Still looking, looking, wondering how the **** I'm gonna ever do this if I'm constantly looking for food!!! I buy a candy bar while I'm out - and then throw it away. But I overate healthy foods and had some more - CRACKers.

Saturday - not good again. I'm looking, looking, looking. From the second I'm awake till the second I go to sleep - which was late. And in the interim I bought a candy bar - and ate most of it - threw away about 1/4 of it. Went to a friends house Saturday evening. Had cake and cookies there. Went out to dinner. Had a healthy dinner, but hit the bread basket - and had 1/2 a slice of cheesecake. We go to a show. It's late. We're driving home and I make DH stop for ice cream.

Now I KNOW this is not the end of my journey. I KNOW I will rein this back in - but I wonder how. I can't stop looking and thinking about food. And it sucks! But somehow, some way I'll do it. NO MATTER WHAT. If I'm looking for food it's too bad. I'll just have to get through it.

I go to bed Saturday night (really Sunday AM, it's almost 3 in the morning) and I tell myself that no matter what I will stay on plan for Sunday (although I told myself that all week). No waiting till Monday.

And it was weird - I woke up Sunday morning - and I didn't have that "looking for food feeling" that I had all week long. I was ready to deal with it, whatever the case but it wasn't there. Ahhh. Had a very good day on Sunday.

But.... I had some ice cream left over in the freezer from Saturday night - I went against one of my rules and actually bought it into my home (grrr). And I woke up this morning (Monday) and all I could think about was the ice cream. So I dumped it down the sink. Did a bit of "looking" this morning, but got past it.

I'm not sure what the purpose of this post is. Anyway, I know that eating "those foods" *caused* this horrible spiral and I wonder if I should just refrain from them TOTALLY forever - I am after all SUCH an addict. I am SUCH an addict. I am SUCH an addict. Refraining forever - nah - it's just not going to happen. I think I just need some even FIRMER rules about them. I don't know. I'll have to re-assess down the road. After I get all this weight off that I put on from my week long bender. And thanks folks, but PLEASE don't tell me much of it is water weight.

I can't believe just how miserable I was all week long. I felt HORRIBLE. I was allowing food to control me. I had forgotten how MISERABLE that is in and of itself - never even mind the weight gain. It wasn't enjoyable eating "like that". Not even a little bit.

All right rant over. I needed to get that off my chest. Sorry it was so long - even if no one made it till the end, well I didn't mean to be selfish - but I did need to do this.

And I am grateful that I had the place to do it.

[silverbirch]

Robin

[paperclippy]

Robin, this is what jumped out at me from your description of your week:

I quickly give away most of the stuff.

I toss everything but the gooey cake - I freeze that

I'm out shopping and bought myself a scoop of ice cream

I buy a candy bar while I'm out - and then throw it away.

I bought a candy bar - and ate most of it - threw away about 1/4 of it.

So I dumped it down the sink.

These are NOT the habits of a fat person. Rather than focusing on all the things that went wrong, look at all the things that were right! You gave away most of the leftovers, realized that the ones you had left were a problem and threw them out, while out bought a single scoop of ice cream rather than a half a gallon, bought a candy bar and threw the whole thing away, bought another one and threw part of it away, and dumped the extra ice cream down the sink. I think this just proves that you will not continue this spiral and that you are absolutely going to pull out of it and get back to your usual habits.

I have to say though, I think sometimes we need a reminder of how bad it feels to eat so poorly. You felt horrible and miserable -- now you are going to put your best effort into making sure you do NOT feel that way again, right? I think sometimes we forget just how miserable it feels to eat so badly and it starts to sound really tempting. My six day vacation in LA was kind of like that for me (except that I didn't throw anything away, ate all the leftovers, and gorged myself on ice cream and cake, but I had intended to so I wasn't as upset about it). Yes, I had fun. Yes, I loved eating all those deliciously bad for me foods. But you know what? Six days of indulgence is more than enough, and by the end I was craving the healthy food I cook at home.

I do think any time we start down the path of overeating on junk food, we need a couple of days of "detox" to get back to our usual habits again. I'm still working on calming down my sweet tooth after all the holiday desserts. The jawas need to slow down the conveyor belt! Filling up on healthy, high-fiber, low-calorie foods is just the thing to overcome the "looking for food" feeling. I actually did this the other day -- found myself looking for food, so I told myself, okay, I'll eat another bowl of cabbage soup. If I'm still hungry then I will look for food again. I was stuffed after another bowl of cabbage soup, but hey, I can eat a huge bowl of cabbage soup for only 150 calories. That's like eating one cookie.

[JayEll]

As you know, Robin, I have a theory about this. But I'll save it for PM if you're interested... I just want to say, I'm really sorry that you got swept away! I know how that can feel--it's not a good feeling. Just chill out and let it settle down... stay with the foods you know that work. Your Morningstar Farms chicken, and your other staples of daily life.

Jay

[KforKitty]

Sorry you're struggling right now. As one of my all time weightloss idols your post makes me realise just how vigilant we need to be just to stay where we are.

Maybe now is the time to remind yourself of all be benefits that weightloss brings and focus on the positives rather than the food.



Kitty

[kittycat40]

Aw, Robin, I think it has to do with coming off of a big high. That can happen to me. It's almost like the stress relief migraines I can get.

And then there is the whole addiction pathway thing that compounds everything! Good for you on posting and recognizing and backtracking to get to where you need to be!!

And congrats on a WONDERFUL event

[ICUwishing]

robin: Thanks for injecting another dose of reality - for reiterating that slips happen and that even the veterans can have them. Not only did you chronicle the slippery slope ... you detailed how it feels to march back up it and what kind of thoughts we need to have in order to do it. Paperclippy's right - there's huge differences in the way you handled it versus the way well, I would have. That compare/contrast is invaluable, especially the part where you notice that the old behaviors eventually fall quiet(er) again. Many of us wouldn't have given it the detox time - you give us hope that a slip need not be a full relapse.

[Lori Bell]

I can only imagine how physically ill you must feel...not to mention the mental part of it. Get it together dear friend. You know you can, I know you can and everyone else here knows you can get this back under control. FIGHT!

[Windchime]

Robin, I had a similar couple of weeks here. My downfall is potato chips and dip, oh and these little thin ginger cookies. I started in on that stuff and I simply couldn't stop. Or more accurately, I didn't CARE to stop. That's what scares me--when I see myself heading back to the potato chip bag and I simply don't care, because I'm going to eat them.

And the looking for food--I know exactly what you mean. The needless trip to the kitchen, the standing in front of the open fridge doors, the browsing through the cupboards. I did that, too.

I'm getting things back under control this week and I think the damage will end up being about 3 pounds--not bad, and I earned them all with my mindless eating. But I think this could ultimately be a good thing, because it reminds us that we always need to be vigilant. For me, I think it means that I need to Just Say No to chips. Period. I had been allowing myself a small bag of Baked Lays a couple of times a week, but I think that has just kept my taste for chips alive and then when I got the real ones, I went NUTS. So I am making a rule: No chips. If I don't start, I am fine.

Hang in there, girlie. Re-read the parts of your post that Paperclippy snipped. You've got this down, and you will get back on track. You made lots of good, healthy decisions in amongst the not-so-good decisions. As for me, I am back to tracking my foods because I didn't do that in December, either. So my goals are:

--log foods every day
--log weight every day
--NO chips
--move my body--either the gym or the elliptical

[caryesings]

Originally Posted by ICUwishing

robin: Thanks for injecting another dose of reality - for reiterating that slips happen and that even the veterans can have them. Not only did you chronicle the slippery slope ... you detailed how it feels to march back up it and what kind of thoughts we need to have in order to do it. Paperclippy's right - there's huge differences in the way you handled it versus the way well, I would have. That compare/contrast is invaluable, especially the part where you notice that the old behaviors eventually fall quiet(er) again. Many of us wouldn't have given it the detox time - you give us hope that a slip need not be a full relapse.

I second the thank you for sharing this. I'm not maintenance yet, but have been experiencing some of these same issues. Good to know it happens even to the veterans and how they work their way back to plan.

[justbeu]

Jay,

Will you please post your theory of what happened with Robin....?
As you know, Robin, I have a theory about this. This happens to me on occasion too ( well, really more than on occasion. That's why I'm fat.)


Thanks,
Gwen

[rockinrobin]

Thanks for highlighting those things Jessica.

I am definitely aware how I didn't lose *total* control. I know that. But I lost more than enough of it to just feel - icky - yes Loribell - both physically AND mentally. Buying things to binge on (the candy bar - actually peanut M & M's - one of my all time back in the day favs) and then throwing it away. My G-d who does things like that? For the record the next candy bar was a Twix. I think those M & M's were just TOO much of a blast from the past and I could not/would not go there.

I know that I still had some of my good habits ingrained in me and that I didn't totally abandon all of them, thank goodness. And as for getting back on track - again - I KNEW that I would. There is no way that I would remain doing this. I was too uncomfortable doing this. *This* was the old me. She's been long gone, lying underneath the surface mind you - but she's gone. The new me simply would not stand for this behavior - for very long, that is.

I was ready to pull out all the stops. I have after all assembled a fabulous array of tips, tricks and strategies and I was/still am prepared to use them. This chickie will not be sucked back in - for very long.

Kittycat, I think you make a good point about coming off of a high - I've had it happen in the past - but not for an entire week - and I am CERTAIN that there's something to that. That's why I think most of my planned splurges *work* and this one didn't - it's attached to getting through a big event- not just a social event or an outing - but something bigger.

And Jay dear, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking this happened because I restrict too much. You must understand dear Jay and for some reason, bless your heart, you just don't - I DO NOT FIND 1200 HEALTHY DELIGHTFUL CALORIES AS RESTRICTIVE OR DEPRIVATION. I FIND IT WONDERFUL, FABULOUS and DELIGHTFUL. Ooops - didn't mean to shout . And even if, which it isn't, but even if *sub-consciously* I do view it as *deprivation*- well then so be it. I'll take 1 week of misery and dealing with this bender of mine, in exchange for 51 weeks of utter joy, delight, peace, comfort, energy, stamina, happiness, good health, fabulousness, etc. Jay, I know you mean well, but we are all different. I know you can't fathom my 1200 calories, but again, it's not some "poor Robin" type thing going on. I promise you.

One more thing I realized after I typed this up. I had questioned in my post why I even wrote this. Would you believe it's because I just wanted you guys *to know about it*? I wouldn't have felt right keeping it from you. I *felt* you should know about it. Isn't that or should I say, aren't I strange????

Thanks for listening. I'll let you know how my back-on-track-ness is coming along.

[Glory87]

Hey Robin - sorry you had a week long struggle. I identified with so much of what you wrote (just what is it with crackers anyway?).

It is a journey of a lifetime and it may be trite, but sometimes there are bumps in the road. You did handle a lot of things really well!

I saw you hadn't been around much last week (or at least I didn't "bump" into you very much on the boards) - don't forget to come here. I would have told you to throw away that pasta on day 1!!!

I have always thought I am one sleeve of Thin Mints away from being the old me, all my habits and healthy eating are just a shell over the me who really hasn't changed at all. I don't think you need to go cold turkey from those foods, but cold turkey from those foods in your home! And cold turkey on buying candy bars! I still think a single scoop of ice cream is okay, but make the rule once a week. Well, I don't need to tell you about rules - I have absolute and complete faith you're going to get the reins for these running horses and settle them down.

Congratulations on your daughter's engagement and I'm glad the party turned out so spectacular. Do you have a picture of your beautiful outfit? It sounds amazing.

*hug*

[JulieJ08]

Three days!

[JayEll]

OK, Robin. I learned years ago not to argue with you--I really would rather avoid the all-caps and boldface that result!

Jay