Today was (is? it's still only late afternoon) a really bad day for me. I stuck to my food plan (and see no reason to stray from it this evening), so that's not the issue. I got some exercise, so that's not it. Nothing bad happened at work. I don't feel ill. I didn't fight with Jeff or anyone else in my family. So what gives?
Something happened today. Like a light switch, my entire self-perception has changed. Every time I looked in the mirror today, all I could see was fat. I have been overweight my whole life, so why today? Why not yesterday or last year or 10 years ago? It's as if the person I now see in the mirror is different from the person I've been seeing my whole life. That image in the mirror has always been fat, but she was also funny, sarcastic, witty, creative, talented, intelligent, mature, confident, caring, helpful, supportive, hard-working...but today, all I see is fat.
I've never felt like this before. Sure, I've had days where I would cry and get frustrated and upset about my weight, but it's never been quite like this. I don't even really know how to explain it. It's like I'm seeing what other people see for the first time.
I guess it's had its benefits, I have already drunk 5.5 liters of water so far today. Screw walking 1 lap around my block (3/4 mile)...today I walked 3 miles in the sunny near-90-degree weather.
Despite the beneficial effects, I hate feeling this way. Self-loathing should not be my motivation for losing weight. But since I don't know why I suddenly feel this way, I don't know how to fix it.
Oh, well. Off to make dinner (sandwiches on 100% whole wheat). I hope everyone else is in a better state of mine than I am
Ammi - Another 5 pounds - you are so totally awesome!
Jill - Sorry to hear you are having a rough day. Hopefully a good night's sleep will clear your head. I totally agree that self-loathing isn't a good motivation for weight loss.
I am having more work issues today and I am definitely PMS'ing. I almost started to cry in the car when I was out at the bank this afternoon while listening to my book on tape. It’s not that I had anything specifically to cry about, but I can get so hormonally emotionally weird. I am just hoping it doesn’t turn into an overwhelming urge for chocolate.
I really don't feel like going to the gym tonight. I am really tired and feel very drained. I made a few bad eating choices over the weekend, which doesn't help matters. I am trying not to feel guilty because that only leads to more destructive behaviors. I think it is a night to curl up in bed with a good book (I am currently reading His Majesty’s Dragon – a kind of a Patrick O’Brian meets Anne McCaffery thing – a lot of fun) and go to sleep early.
Keeper - Sorry to hear that your kids weren't well over the weekend, I hope they are feeling better today.
Jill - thanks for the congrats on my WI today, I am still smiling about it. Sorry to hear that the advice you had from the doctors could easily have been given over the phone but instead you had to go and wait for ages at the doctors! It's good that your tests etc went ok, and that although borderline with the BP you are ok to stay on your BC pills. I went to go on the pill when I first met Daren and I couldn't go on it because of my BP. I had to use Implanon instead, one of those ones that are a rod in the arm. Of course that was just for birth control, I didn't have the worry like you do about ovarian cysts. Hopefully your BP will come down and you'll be ok to stay on the pill
I don't know whether to say commiserations or congratulations on seeing yourself in a different light. I tend to have that moment the minute I realise I have to start dieting. It's like before then I know I am fat, but I am blinkered to the fact of just how fat I am. It is very inspiring to lose the weight though, as you have discovered, so I think I will stick to congratulating you on your discovery Don't feel self loathing, you ARE all the things you were before funny, sarcastic, witty, creative, talented, intelligent, mature, confident, caring, helpful, supportive, hard-working, you've just realised that you are a bit bigger than you realised. You can lose the weight, you will lose the weight, be proud of yourself for making that committment to yourself
Lilion - I think I would have given in to that gorgeous food at the Waffle House too. It sounded delicious
I am glad that you haven't let your little out session get you down. As long as you keep persevering you know you will lose the lbs. Treats are allowed
Sandy - I am a firm believer of only weighing once a week, I couldn't handle daily weighing. It would upset me too much to see a gain, or worse still to lose weight in the week only to have my official WI and not have that loss. So yep, sticking to once a week is what I do. Of course a lot of the ladies here like to weigh daily and some weigh more than once a day, and it suits them just fine. Each to their own When will be your next official WI.
Kimberly - when are you expecting your Nutrisystem food to turn up? I am sorry you are struggling to keep on track while you haven't got the food. I hope sticking to 2000 calories a day will help you out and won't be too difficult. Roll on when the Nutrisystem arrives!! Did you end up going to the gym today as planned?
Missy - glad that you are feeling a smidge better, good for you for getting in a walk today, that's what I call committment!!
What have you been playing on Pogo? I got all of last weeks badges, I am waiting for the new ones to be posted now
Amy - you don't like Subway, wow why not? It's fairly new to Swansea and as it's good for both the dieter and non dieter alike we like to go there whenever we are in town and fancy a meal out. It's a bit expensive though, so it's not as often as I would like
Thanks for the congrats on my WI today and my NSV
When are you moving to KC? I hope you will be able to find a job you feel better suited to. It's awful to be in a job where you aren't happy!
Heather - I totally agree, it's much better to be too small for clothes than to be too big!!
Nancy - I love Anne McCaffrey books, those Pern series are brilliant. I bought Daren a few of them for last Father's Day.
Sorry you are feeling drained, and a bit guilty about the weekend and what you ate. I hope a good restful night reading your book and maybe an early night's sleep will have you waking up nice and refreshed and more optimistic tomorrow
Thanks for the congrats on my WI, much appreciated
Ok I have to go now, it's time for my lovely husband to give me a half hour foot massage for my reward for losing another 24 lbs. Bliss
sandybar-HI! That is an awesome birthday present to give to youself! The support here is amazing! I am glad you found us! Chinese Food is my WEAKNESS!!
Sharon-WHOOHOO!!! Those are AWESOME NSV's! Four years is a long time! Way to go!! The first place I lost weight was in my ankles, however I still can't wear boots the zip up on the side. ONE DAY THOUGH!! lol I am jealous! GO YOU!
Ammi-OMG!! Seriously you are the amazing SHRINKING woman!! I can't believe how well you are doing! It is such an inspiration! You keep me going, seeing someone do it makes me know that I CAN! YAY ON THE NSV! That is so awesome it was too small and now its too BIG! I loooove those cold rainy dreary days. I always want to sit under a blanket with a hot cup of cider or a glass of wine lol and read.
Valerie- WHOOHOO!! It is nice when the scale starts to tell the truth instead of nasty lies. Sleep completely helps with losing weight. I notice if I don't sleep well, I don't lose anything.
Keeper-HI!! What plan are you doing?
Lilion-Today is the start of a new week! I believe that sometimes you have to do that. You have to eat poorly and realize that it's not the end of the world and we can get back up and do what needs to be done! Good for you for getting back and jumping right back on track!
Jill-I know how you feel. I never used to look in the mirror and see the fat girl. I knew I was fat but it didn't register. It was about 2 months ago I looked in the mirror and was like OMG IS THAT WHAT I LOOK LIKE?! It is like I saw myself for the very first time. Of how other people must see me. And for the first couple of days I was like omg thats horrible and was very depressed. And it is my motivation. But not in a self-loathing kind of way. It is in a "I know I am a beautiful person and I deserve to be healthy. I am not just fat and I never have been. But I refuse to be seen this way any more. I love myself too much." I see it more as a I love myself and I am sad to see what happened to my body then OMG I'M GROSS! Does that even make sense? I don't know, but just know I have been where you are.
So hi! I was absent all weekend. TOM was being a stupid little brat so I was hiding from the world. I weighed in on Friday and WHOOHOO!! DOWN 4 LBS! Although over the weekend, even while eating OP (well not EXACTLY OP...we had crab...I had to eat a little butter. LOL) I have gained me some water weight. I know I didn't eat enough butter for a 2 lb gain. Blasted TOM! The scale is never consistant when I am on my period so I am just going to take the 4 lb loss and count it!! I deserve it dangit! lol Other then that things are good. It snowed this weekend! Like down here in the valley! There is still snow up in the mountains, but it was a shock to get snow this early! Means it is going to be a REALLY long and COLD winter! Bah! I hate the cold! Well I need to get in the shower for work tonight. Hope everyone is having a good night!!
Well lots to chat about but first guess what?? They are going to snip him!!!!
ok... can you tell that I am happy about this? No questions asked. Just gave us the low-down on the surgery, asked if we had considered all the options and we signed on the dotted line. Sometime this week they will call with the appt. I am both relieved and feel kind of weird. I guess this just makes it final. Knowing that I will not be a mom. Don't get me wrong, I am quite OK with it, however it just feels...weird. WHOOHOO... 3 more months and no more BC pills
well, lets see. What else to chat about. I see that lots of you had good weigh-ins! I finally got my JMS yoga dvd today. Going to at least watch it tonight although I dunno if I will actually DO it *L* They suggest that you watch first. Tomorrow for sure. Maybe even before work. augh, that would be nice.
Ammi~ You !!! You just passed me and I started way before you!!! WTG!
Jilly~ Man, we are on the same wave length. I seem to have had that "realization" as well. It sucks huh? I had hubby take some pics of me the other night in a new outfit that I "thought" looked good on me. Till of course I saw the pics. Not nice. I have lost 75lbs and I still look the size of a pick-up truck. I was thinking, man, I must have looked REALLY bad before!!!!!! I hope you are feeling better sweetie.
k, i gotta run. Was Zelma finding out today or tomorrow??? I'm so nervous for her!!!
AMMI - "SCROLL UP TO MY POST" You just hit my funny bone!
JILLY - "...she was also funny, sarcastic, witty, creative, talented, intelligent, mature, confident, caring, helpful, supportive, hard-working..." SHE STILL IS! AND you left out BEAUTIFUL and dad-gummed good at going Down stairs!
LILION - As far as I'm concerned the Wuffle House only has one thing - scrambled eggs with cheeeeese and raisen toast! I ADORE raisen toast, altho suddenly I'm not sure how to spell it.
GOTTA GO - EXERCISE CLASS IN 15 MINUTES!!!!
PS Simon already ate and destroyed my new boots.
I thought the testing this a.m. at the interview went AWFUL but they called back this afternoon with a possible.
Hiya peeps .. just a quick one today ... its been a weird 48 hours for me . I have stayed OP fortunately ... but did go to the doctors yesterday .. BP is 110/80 so that is good .. little low but good, I have shrunk 1cm (was 175 last year .. now Im 174 ... leaves me wondering how many pounds are in a cm rofl).
According to the doctor .. Im depressed ... didnt think I had fallen back into that hole really ... amazing what you can regard as coping isnt it? Apparently the not sleeping, feeling a little weepy and on edge are signs of depression .. hee hee hee .. I just thought that was normal been like that for so long. Sooo she has given me a prescription for prozac .... I have yet to decide if Im gonna get it filled as I dont like taking drugs of any kind ... might wait to see what the blood tests come back as (bunch of vampires!).
When I got back home yesterday for some reason I was feeling a little fragile .. thinking about it now it was like as a professional had told me I was depressed that I could give into it a little you know what I mean?? One thing I have discovered is that while I am an emotional eater .. Im not a depressed one lol ... the thought of food was not appealing .. I started going thru the motions of preparing dinner for everyone and found myself getting slower and slower til in the end I let dad finish getting it ready.
As my dad is up today Im taking a day to do some serious thinking about things ... if Im depressed there has to be a cause (other than my mother, daughter, nephew, dad ... he he he ... those are lifelong ones so not as easy to fix!) .. Im thinking about food .. but only the bad kind like Chocolate ... so I am keeping down the other end of the house so the temptation will mean I have to move more than 5 steps to get it rofl ... I will go outside soon perhaps and just sit enjoying the sun and watching dad cut down the trees that are blocking the light from the house ... mind you .. that may be a little loud and Im a little sensitive to noise at the moment lol .
So Friday I find out my blood tests .... should be alright I would think .. Ash will get her results back then too ... although the doc thinks she may be anaemic.
Im sorry Im not up to doing personals today ... Im not even up to doing my Richard Simmons .. oh and to make my Monday complete .. I got TOM for another visit.... damn man visits way too often!
Ammi you lucky chicky babe ... a fiver!! Hopefully the FFM will start that as her pick up target when she visits everyone else this week lol .
Great NSVs peeps ... still helping to keep me inspired and focused .... welcome to the newbies .. Im sure you will do fantastic
Ammi - Congrats!!! is there any way you can take it to a tailor and have it taken in? seems like it should be easy enough.
so my NSV for today. i rode my bike to and from school. and made the light that i always get stuck at. on my way home it was really windy and i almost gave up and walked, but i stuck it out, and even tho it took me 10 extra minutes, i rode every inch of the way home.
ok, so I juschecked out my JMS yoga. I love it. I couldn't do it all but I did manage most of it. My knees are awful though. They will get stronger as I do it more. Anyone else that has it get so sleepy afterwards? *L* I am SO relaxed
Hello Violet--- Thanks for the congrats on my pictures.. I still need to take more now that I have lost over 100 lbs.... I think i took those pictures when i was about 307 lbs.. but to me I still look the same as I did when I was 381.. It is so hard for me to see a change in myself at times. However I plan to get more pictures up by maybe next Thursday. My husband will bring the camera home on Friday but I may not get around to taking pictures for a few days
Hi everyone... yikes I am hopelessly behind! But wanted to pop in and say hi! Fortunately my allergies are taming down a bit so I will feel human again soon.
Jill -- if it helps, I felt fatter after losing 50 pounds and weighing 245 than I ever did when I weighed 295. I remember looking at the pics I took after I lost 20 pounds thinking, "this is me THINNER??? What was I before??" It may be part of this whole process, but it really can play with your head. Don't let it keep you down, because the other perceptions you have of yourself WILL come back!
Kenya-- You must be quivering waiting for hubby to get back. I like your priorities... the pics can wait!!!
I went to my yoga class tonight for the 2nd time. I was really really sore last week so we'll see how it goes this week. The scale was up for me this morning -- SILLY SCALE!
Hello all!
Got a bit of good news today. My car is only going to cost $40 to fix! Turns out it ws only bad battery cables, whcih set of some sensors and caused general mayhem, i guess. So that's good. No word yet on the trcuk so keep your fingers crossed!!
Had a great NSV, too. A woman that works during the day who I haven't seen in a while was leaving work as I was coming in and said "oh my god, you look great! You've lost weight haven't you?" I can't tell you how good that felt, cause I just don't see it. Glad somebody does!
Ammi- Congrats on your NSV and your missing 5 lbs. That's good stuff! Keeper and Sandy - Welcome! Good to meet you both. I think I've missed quite a few poeple while I've been dealing with my lack of transportation. Melissa- Glad you're starting to feel better. Luan- Great job on the bike ride. You've inspired me to get off my butt and go get the tires for mine. That had to be fun and feel good! Amy- Thanks for the congratulations and sympathy. Here's hoping my truck has a miraculous recovery! Misti- Your new pics look great!
NEWSNERD - TOTALLY cool NSV!!! Good luck with the truck!!
LUAN - GOOD FOR YOU!!! I absolutely HATE riding my bike into the wind! Ever since I was a kid it really ticked me off. Silly, I know, but to keep struggling like that and keep being pushed back is just infuriating... but I suppose nowadays I might have to adjust my thinking and figure it was just an extra good workout, huh?
KATT - I understand how you feel about now taking drugs, but I've also seen what a huge help it can be in some peoples lives. It's not a "happy" pill that makes you someone you aren't, or gives you delusions about reality. And you don't have to stay on them if they don't feel right. If you choose never to try what the doc prescribed, I have absolutely NO right to disagree or do anything but admire you. But if you choose to try them, you may find they help. I know my DSis takes some anti-depressants and she says it makes the seemingly unbearable - bearable. She can handle life the way other people do. Sometimes the cause is chemical, not circumstantial. I'm sure you will do what you feel is right for you, and I applaud you in any and every case! I hope I'm not overstepping myself or offending you at all. That certainly isn't my intent.
Hi ladies. Just a quick post as I am very tired. My dog kept waking me up all night long. He apparently had an upset tummy and had diarrhea and gas. Too much information, I know. But what a good boy he is. He kept waking me up letting me know each time he needed to go out instead of just letting it go in the house. It really had me worried last night because nothing like that had ever happened before but he was really uncomfortable while he was going. He was whimpering as he was trying to go. Whatever was the matter, it seems better now. I came home at lunchtime to check on him and he was his usual frisky self with no signs of stomach distress at all. Thank goodness. He's my baby, afterall, and I would hate anything bad to happen to him.
That being said, being up and down all night I didn't sleep well at all. Being tired gave me an "excuse" to eat poorly today and to skip my walk tonight even though I could not ask for lovelier weather to walk in. Oh well, tomorrow's a new day. In the morning I am going to have some blood drawn and then Friday I have an appt. with my doctor to have a physical and get the results from my blood tests. Feeling fine (other than too heavy) but I am trying to get a physical done every year just to be sure I keep feeling fine.
That's it for me.
Nancy - I hope those PMS blues vanish soon. Enjoy your book and your night off to relax.
Valerie - Naughty little Simon! Maybe it was his revenge for the *snip snip*!
Ammi - You go girl!!! Look at you at 75 pounds down. You are a WW rock star!!!!
out session get you down. As long as you keep persevering you know you will lose the lbs. Treats are allowed 
That is an awesome birthday present to give to youself! The support here is amazing! I am glad you found us! Chinese Food is my WEAKNESS!!
What plan are you doing? 
Like down here in the valley! There is still snow up in the mountains, but it was a shock to get snow this early! Means it is going to be a REALLY long and COLD winter! Bah! I hate the cold! Well I need to get in the shower for work tonight. Hope everyone is having a good night!!
ok... can you tell that I am happy about this? No questions asked. Just gave us the low-down on the surgery, asked if we had considered all the options and we signed on the dotted line. Sometime this week they will call with the appt. I am both relieved and feel kind of weird. I guess this just makes it final. Knowing that I will not be a mom. Don't get me wrong, I am quite OK with it, however it just feels...weird. WHOOHOO... 3 more months and no more BC pills 
!!! You just passed me and I started way before you!!! WTG!
You just hit my funny bone!
But what a good boy he is. He kept waking me up letting me know each time he needed to go out instead of just letting it go in the house. It really had me worried last night because nothing like that had ever happened before but he was really uncomfortable while he was going. He was whimpering as he was trying to go. Whatever was the matter, it seems better now. I came home at lunchtime to check on him and he was his usual frisky self with no signs of stomach distress at all. Thank goodness. He's my baby, afterall, and I would hate anything bad to happen to him. 
Maybe it was his revenge for the *snip snip*! 
