[LuckyLadyBug]

Now I have to follow this:

Dr. Phil says:

The most important choice you have in light of a personal tragedy is what you do now. The past is over. The future hasn't happened yet. The only time is now. (page 92)

One of the most critical ways to stop this behavior is to change the way you think and how you interpret events in your life. What you think determines how you feel. So if you want to change your feelings about something--and the negative behavior that flows from those feelings--then you must change and reshape the thought patterns that are making you sad, anxious, lonely, or depressed. (page 88)

[Terri in MO]

Great job Lucky. That was very brave of you to face this and to share it with us. I too have wondered how you know you've "over" something. I think it is when you no longer let it impact your choices or has any impact on your emotions. There may be some emotion attached, but it doesn't determine how you feel or react. Does that make sense?

As part of your healing process, maybe you need to forgive your mother so that you can put those feelings of shame and being unloved away in a box.

While you know in your head that you were not responsbile for the actions of your mother and father, its time for you tell the thirteen yo still inside you that it is okay - that you did nothing wrong. Maybe write a letter on behalf of that thirteen yo and tell your mom how that made you feel and what you needed from her then.

Sorry if that sounds like I'm trying to do therapy on you. I think you've taken a huge step and have done a fantastic job.

Keep up the great work.

[LuckyLadyBug]

No problem, Terri, I NEED therapy.

I was thinking of the letter thing myself. I really can't talk to my siblings about this because they all had a different relationship with her than I did.

There are a lot more things that go on inside of me that have to do with her.

Do you know what a Silhouette is? Well I have collected them for years. They are Victorian looking people usually in black. Anyway, about 5 or 6 years ago I was at an antique show and picked one up. It is a couple in front of a fire place. She is embroidering while the man is standing with his arm on the mantle. I turned it over and there is a calander - April 1951 THE MONTH AND YEAR I WAS BORN!!! Needless to say my heart skipped a beat, many actually. Of course I had to buy it!!!

On the mantle of this fireplace was a clock showing 8:19PM - I had to check. I pulled out my birth certificate when I got home. I was born at 8:20PM.

My therapist friend asked me what I thought it meant - I told her, "It validated my life".

Everytime I look at the Silhouette I think of what a miracle!!

[Terri in MO]

Wow, that is so cool!

In case no one tells you today, Lucky - you are a fantastic person who is beautiful, vibrant and full of love and caring. If no one else tells you, tell yourself and believe in your heart that God put you on this earth for a reason and you have a purpose in this life. And it wasn't to ruin your parent's lives!

[LuckyLadyBug]

THANK YOU, TERRI

Your post yesterday got me to thinking - I will share later - have to work now.

[ageoldie]

Who needs thearpy when we have each other.

Lucky I know hard it was to post that because that was how I was about my body image. Like you I started to delete it several times, but I decided that if I couldn't share this very important part of my life, it would just keep fesstering up under the surface. Maybe this is a turning point for both of us.

Terri: I don't know what we would do without you hanging out with us and puttng things into hte proper perspective for us. How did you get so smart?

[LuckyLadyBug]

The other night as I was lying in bed and was thinking about what I posted and what Terri had said.

I was thinking "how could I get rid of this shame" because I didn’t think I had any issues where it was coming up at this point in my life. WELL, I remembered one little tell tail sign that maybe I DO live with that shame today.

As some may remember I moved back to my family home after living in Minneapolis for 27 years. The people I work with now are either too young to have known me or weren’t living here when I was growing up. Add to that the fact that I work in a town 25 miles from where I live so I wasn’t really known to anyone.

When someone asks me why I came here I till him or her I grew up around here. I NEVER tell them my maiden name unless I am more or less forced to.
I continue to feel ashamed!!!! I have always hated running into someone I knew in my growing up years. I felt inferior – not really putting it together with my “shame” story.

I have to tell you all that I really feel "lighter" after having posted about this.

I don't know why this works, confession, but I will keep on writing.

[Terri in MO]

Lucky - Good for you for digging deep and sharing your feelings. Writing about it helps you acknowledge that its there. You know sometimes when you have a problem and work and you need to say it out loud to someone and then all of a sudden you have the answer? Well, it can work here too. Maybe now that you've said it 'out loud', you can start to let go of that shame.

But what does shame get you? You are who you are and that does not mean that you are less of a person.

Hold you head high and tell everyone who you are!

[LuckyLadyBug]

That's what I am seeing, Terri. Just stating it helps. Thankfully, since ignoring it hasn't done much good!!!!