To make the kind of progress we're all trying to make, you have to love yourself. Shame can motivate you, but only for a little while; the knowledge that you matter, and you're worth it is what is going to keep you making the good decisions in the long run.
Self-love will also help you forgive yourself when you slip--and we all slip! It will make the difference between giving up because you made a mistake, versus acknowledging the mistake and choosing to keep going, because it's the right thing to do for yourself.
Self-love will help you choose to cook healthy foods, or go out and take a walk, or go to the gym, or meditate ... whatever the choice is that will help you grow in the direction you want to grow, you'll find it easier to make the right decision if you do it with love in your heart.
And, finally, to help others on their path, you will be most effective if you are speaking from a place of self-love and self-esteem, because you can help other people get to that place, too.
===
I'm only so-so at this whole self-love thing. Sometimes, I feel it, and I see my strengths, and I see what's great about me. But sometimes I don't. Sometimes I think of my body as a separate entity from "me," and I get angry at that body for being imperfect, when instead I should be thankful for all the things it does for me. That kind of thinking is what got me to 300+ pounds, honestly, and I'm ready to put it behind me and to treat my body the way it deserves to be treated!
So, I'm curious:
What are your strategies to develop your own love for yourself? How do you grow a strong, healthy sense of self-esteem? How do you admire what's wonderful about yourself, while acknowledging and choosing to work on your faults?
Last edited by the_magpie; 03-01-2015 at 09:32 PM.
I got the image in that last post from this article, which is fantastic! It's about moving for the joy of movement and loving your body, no matter what it looks like. (And I truly believe you can love your body while it's fat and still work toward getting thinner. I see no contradiction there.)
Magpie I really liked this post.
At my best, I try to think of how I would treat my children.....and use that example for myself.
On a not so good day, when my chest is bad and my knees are aching and my inner voice tells me (in my Mother's voice) that I deserve this because of how fat and disgusting I am .....I really try to practice thankfulness for what I DO have that works OK and blessings in my life that don't relate to my body or self esteem.
I know everybody is different though!
Mountain Walker: Good point. Your kids are half you, and you don't love them any less for that. Why can't we love ourselves then, given that we can see only our strengths in our kids, and only our shortcomings or failures in ourselves? It's weird, isn't it?
Sometimes I still hear my mom telling me that she wished that I was something that I can't change. It was engrained in me early that I was a failure over something that I can't change. She said that she wanted a blue eyed, blonde haired daughter. She always used to tell me that I would regret having scars and being fat when I'm older. Yet, she still fed me food that she thought was healthy, but wasn't, and didn't teach me proper portion sizes. I wasn't taught how to do make-up or my hair, either. Many times, I didn't even pull a brush through my hair, and she didn't care.
Last edited by tootsieroll81; 03-02-2015 at 11:22 AM.
At my best, I try to think of how I would treat my children.....and use that example for myself.
...
I really try to practice thankfulness for what I DO have that works OK and blessings in my life that don't relate to my body or self esteem.
I know everybody is different though!
I like both of these approaches, mountain_walker! Thanks for sharing them!
Quote:
Originally Posted by tootsieroll81
Yet, she still fed me food that she thought was healthy, but wasn't, and didn't teach me proper portion sizes. I wasn't taught how to do make-up or my hair, either. Many times, I didn't even pull a brush through my hair, and she didn't care.
Thank you for sharing this, Tootsie! So many of us are in this boat, I think.
My family, by and large, shows love through food. Usually rich food. So that's been a hard mental change for me--finding other ways to show love and appreciation for people--though I do have one victory to report on that front: my mom knows I'm on Ideal Protein (IP) and is sort of doing an alternate plan alongside me. So I made her IP-legal crab cakes and asparagus for her birthday, and it felt really good: we were honoring our traditions and ALSO honoring our bodies with healthy choices.
One self-love note, about makeup: one of my rewards for myself is to get a makeup lesson and buy some nice makeup for myself. Because I, too, never learned as a kid and didn't really bother as an adult, before now.
Last edited by the_magpie; 03-04-2015 at 07:50 PM.
Self love and self esteem? Two things I have struggled with my entire life, sigh!
I've been big all my life, from a young age was taught that i was different...and not in a good way. Fat shaming from such an early age is a horrible thing as shame became a big part of my life, hating who i was and what i'd become, looking in the mirror and hating the reflection that was staring back at me.
I am turning 35 this year and in 5yrs i will be 40....all i keep wondering is where did the years go and can i have another chance at life?
I have lived such a miserable life brought on by myself hating the body I am in and so hiding from the world and living like a hermit and in mortal fear of what society thinks of me and that i do not deserve to be treated like a fellow human being. I have lived such a sad life. I have family who loves me but hardly any friends as I pushed people away so many years ago.
Only in the last few months, starting on this journey and realising I am not getting any younger, I have decided I have to learn to love myself because I am worth it. I still cringe looking at myself naked in the mirror but i do it everyday now and audibly say that i love myself and my body just as it is (even if i cringe or don't believe the words coming out of my mouth), i audibly say it because if i say it enough times i think i will start to believe it.
It doesn't help that i've been dressing sloppily in horrible baggy BLACK clothes for the better part of the last 10-15yrs, trying to be invisible sigh!
So for now as a future goal have decided to get some new clothes (i actually bought a sewing machine and learnt how to sew because i could never find anything that fits) and will be making a concious effort to start putting effort into my appearance, wearing some makeup, doing my hair putting on nice tops and skirts that flatter my frame (always in big black baggy pants and big black jacket sigh), and make sure from now on i like what i see in the mirror before leaving the house. This is a work in progress because I have now afew cute outfits i just need the guts to wear them outside. I wear them in the comfort of my room and think gosh i actually look nice, but the next day when it's time to leave the house i feel too "out of my comfort zone" and end up throwing the black clothes on instead. But i'll get there.
Okay i'm rambling now, i could go on and on. But i think i need to just learn to love me because if I can't love myself then who will?
cherry: I haven't tried it, but instead of replacing all of your black clothes, have you tried accessorizing? You add a pop of color with a pretty scarf, your shoes, a belt, a hair accessory, or a purse. Also, instead of baggy, try less baggy, and using said accessories to draw the eye away from the areas that you want more covered up. For example, depending on your shape, wearing a baggy dress, and putting a belt right under your breasts to draw the eye away from your natural waist, and making your lower body appear to be longer than it really is. It also makes it appear as though you have a more hour glass shape.
Hi everyone, this is a great topic. When I see people call themselves gross, or disgusting, things like that, which many of us have done *raises hand* at some point, it makes me sad. Self-love is so important to our lives AND to our weight loss journey, especially when you have a long way to go (90+ lbs. to go, and doing it slow and steady) then I agree self-loathing is a recipe for disaster.
Cherry when I read your post, I related so much, I've been through a lot due to my weight issues, or how I was treated because of them, namely how I treated myself. I didn't fall in love with myself until my late 20's and it is still a battle, but it has gotten better with time. One of my biggest motivators were people like model Tess Munster, Tatianamercedes (on Youtube, her older videos about fat pride & body love), a lot of plus size fashion blogs (look for fatspo, fatspiration and nobodyshame but beware because sometimes "adult" material comes up lol). This is the "superficial" side of things, but it can have a profound effect on our psyche and our desire to care for ourselves.
There is a joke that says something to the effect of "Women want to eat whatever we want and never gain weight." or something like that, if you could excessively eat but remain thin, would you feel you needed help? Maybe, maybe not, but your problem would be just as profound as someone who is battling with their weight, but when you're heavy people obsess over your appearance and how you should change it, by any means necessary in some cases. Instead of truly being concerned about your health, and the welfare of the individual. I am on a rant sorry, but that is what this issue brings out of me.
I am of the opinion that we should be here for our health, it is difficult to separate the appearance from our health sometimes because they are often intertwined, but it has been proven you can be overweight and healthy and at a "normal BMI" but be unhealthy. That is what the fatspiration movement helped me see. When I got that message, I actually wanted to eat better, and live a long & healthy life. I went from 350 to around 305 lbs. (sometimes creeping up near the 320's but mostly below, yet over 300 lbs.) from healthier habits.
This is a long message, but the gist is self-love = wanting to take care of yourself, while self-hate = "why bother, I'm not worth the trouble" but you are worth it.
ETA - This is the joke I was referring to, it is a joke of course, but there is truth in jest:
“Everyone thinks that a woman’s dream is to find the perfect man. They’re wrong because a woman’s only dream is to eat a lot without getting fat.” – Unknown
Last edited by Candidcamster; 03-06-2015 at 09:28 PM.
Candidcamster, I love the fatspo community, especially on Tumblr! Great people, and some great critiques of medicine's "all health problems are because you're fat" approach to patients. (Can you tell I've got a rant in me, too? )
Self love and self esteem? Two things I have struggled with my entire life, sigh!
I've been big all my life, from a young age was taught that i was different...and not in a good way. Fat shaming from such an early age is a horrible thing as shame became a big part of my life, hating who i was and what i'd become, looking in the mirror and hating the reflection that was staring back at me.
I am turning 35 this year and in 5yrs i will be 40....all i keep wondering is where did the years go and can i have another chance at life?
I have lived such a miserable life brought on by myself hating the body I am in and so hiding from the world and living like a hermit and in mortal fear of what society thinks of me and that i do not deserve to be treated like a fellow human being. I have lived such a sad life. I have family who loves me but hardly any friends as I pushed people away so many years ago.
Only in the last few months, starting on this journey and realising I am not getting any younger, I have decided I have to learn to love myself because I am worth it. I still cringe looking at myself naked in the mirror but i do it everyday now and audibly say that i love myself and my body just as it is (even if i cringe or don't believe the words coming out of my mouth), i audibly say it because if i say it enough times i think i will start to believe it.
It doesn't help that i've been dressing sloppily in horrible baggy BLACK clothes for the better part of the last 10-15yrs, trying to be invisible sigh!
So for now as a future goal have decided to get some new clothes (i actually bought a sewing machine and learnt how to sew because i could never find anything that fits) and will be making a concious effort to start putting effort into my appearance, wearing some makeup, doing my hair putting on nice tops and skirts that flatter my frame (always in big black baggy pants and big black jacket sigh), and make sure from now on i like what i see in the mirror before leaving the house. This is a work in progress because I have now afew cute outfits i just need the guts to wear them outside. I wear them in the comfort of my room and think gosh i actually look nice, but the next day when it's time to leave the house i feel too "out of my comfort zone" and end up throwing the black clothes on instead. But i'll get there.
Okay i'm rambling now, i could go on and on. But i think i need to just learn to love me because if I can't love myself then who will?
I can relate so much to this, and just want to send you a ! I hope you find your way and enjoy the next 35 years to your heart's deepest content! We all deserve to be happy and to love ourselves!
Would you feel comfortable easing into the new clothes gradually? Maybe try on one of your new outfits, and step out your front door for as little as a minute! Whether that means stepping into the hallway of a building, a lobby, a lawn, a driveway, the sidewalk, etc. Go as far as you feel comfortable without feeling too overwhelmed, then take some breaths to ground yourself into the moment. Look around, take in the experience, see what's going on around you, and head back. That's it! The next day/in a few days/in a week, try again. Maybe this time it'll be a little bit longer. If not, that's okay. Gradually ease yourself into it! I know it's not easy, but it'll be awesome when you can rock the new look!
Magpie… I love this thread!!! I love all the blogs and articles you shared. I especially like the one with the colorful language because of the overall message of “if you don’t like me then that is your problem, not mine.” THANK YOU!!!
This is something I have struggled with my entire life. I can remember times when I would lose weight and get to a normal size only to think I was still fat. I have always had a hate-hate relationship with my body and have struggled for many years to begin to love my body and feel beautiful.
In a way I am much like you Magpie when you say you think of your body as a separate entity. I seemed to have separated myself as well. It’s like I am great at some things and I love myself for being great in those areas but in the area of my body I feel I am a total failure sometimes and I really hate that about myself. I found this wall decal that I have posted on the wall outside my bathroom and it has really helped me. It says, “BE YOUR OWN KIND OF BEAUTIFUL!” I see it every time I walk down the hall at my house but especially when I come out of the bathroom. Perfect for when I leave for work in the morning or to go somewhere. It has helped me through many times when I felt completely ugly.
After years of self loathing I am working daily at being a better person in many ways, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually and taking care of my body to get it healthy. That is the best way I know how to break the cycle. After all, the more success I see whether it is walking more steps or eating better without gorging the better I feel about myself.
Magpie… I love this thread!!! I love all the blogs and articles you shared. I especially like the one with the colorful language because of the overall message of “if you don’t like me then that is your problem, not mine.” THANK YOU!!!
Thank you! I'm glad they're helpful! I'll keep posting them as I find them, and I hope other people will, too!
Quote:
Originally Posted by pjvw34
I found this wall decal that I have posted on the wall outside my bathroom and it has really helped me. It says, “BE YOUR OWN KIND OF BEAUTIFUL!” I see it every time I walk down the hall at my house but especially when I come out of the bathroom. Perfect for when I leave for work in the morning or to go somewhere. It has helped me through many times when I felt completely ugly.
After years of self loathing I am working daily at being a better person in many ways, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually and taking care of my body to get it healthy. That is the best way I know how to break the cycle. After all, the more success I see whether it is walking more steps or eating better without gorging the better I feel about myself.
What a cool decal! I bet that is a nice pick-me-up! (I wonder if I should find something like that... hmm...)
Focusing on success is a key for me, too, I think. I read somewhere, recently, that if you think about willpower as being like a skill, or like muscles--something you practice/use and it gets stronger--it really does improve over time. Like "Oh, I said no to that craving. I'm getting better at this! It'll be easier next time!" Probably, every good habit is like that, right? Walking more steps today will make it easier to walk more steps every day! Same with food choices!
I really wish there were a high-5 emoji. This is the closest one: High-5!
Thanks to all the ladies above with the fantastic suggestions and tips on how I can begin to transition into putting more effort into my daily appearance It's funny how small changes can make one feel so much better about themselves.
Self-love and self-esteem
! I hope you find your way and enjoy the next 35 years to your heart's deepest content! We all deserve to be happy and to love ourselves! 
High-5! 