jealousy

rachel1985 · 10-11-2011, 12:11 AM

I wan't to say, I'm very proud of myself for the almost 35 lbs that I've lost. There are members of my family (mom and grandma) who want constant updates on how I'm doing, so it's quite obvious to me that there are people who are proud of me.
But how do you deal with the jealousy? I mean, people who are jealous of your success. My aunt (who is well within recommended weight range) seems to get nasty any time something is said around her.
I saw my mom on Sunday, and my aunt was there. I was excited because I had a new success to share with my mom, and I hadn't talked to her in quite a while. So when I saw her, I spun in a circle and said "34". My aunt made a snorting noise and said "Well I'd like to know what you're doing because you never exercise. I work my butt off and cant lose 2 lbs." My mom saw that it upset me and came to my defense, telling her "She works out a lot more than you think, and she doesn't eat the junk you do."
I just don't understand why/how she can be jealous of me. I have roughly 140 lbs left to lose, and she'd be lucky if she WEIGHS 140. I have always had weight problems and she never has. Can someone explain this to me please??

milmin2043 · 10-11-2011, 12:43 AM

I believe that for some people, when the status quo changes, especially from the way it's pretty much always been, they get very uncomfortable. Some people are also constantly fishing for compliments. Maybe she was hoping that you would tell her that she's always been thin and that you'll never be as thin as she is?
It's hard to say since I don't really know her, however I'm telling you that losing that much weight is something to be very proud of. It's not easy!! Just keep doing what you're doing and don't let what anyone says or doesn't say derail your efforts. You have to take care of yourself. Don't worry about what your Aunt says. You are doing this for yourself, not her. Best wishes to you, you've done a terrific job so far!!

Lovely · 10-11-2011, 01:07 AM

Milmin makes a good point about people not liking change.

Maybe your aunt is used to being thinner, and doesn't like that one more person she knows is losing weight and may end up just as thin as she is in the end.

Maybe she doesn't like that you're getting attention for your efforts.

Maybe she really has been trying to lose 2 pounds, but doesn't understand that exercise ain't always gonna cut it and that food matters.

It could not even really be jealousy. She might just not know how to truly show you support.

If she continues to be nasty about your weight loss, then she's obviously not ready to hear about your efforts. I realize you hadn't seen your mom in a while, but if in the future your one aunt is around you can always wait to brag (deservedly brag!) in front of those who want to reward your efforts with the positively you need.

kaplods · 10-11-2011, 02:15 PM

People's motives and behaviors don't often make sense, or only make sense within the framework of their entire life and psychological history.

I have a masters degree in developmental psychology, and the sum of my knowledge amounts to "it's complicated."

There are thousands of physiological, psychological, and socio-cultural reasons for people's behavior (and even knowing most of them, doesn't always help in deciphering or predicting a specific person's behavior).

I think we all can understand to a point - if we examine our own behavior carefully. Aren't there ever times where you've gotten angry or hurt or jealous or frustrated for "no good reason?" Have you ever been both happy and jealous for someone you love? Or been jealous when you wish you had been happy? Or ever said something that was hurtful without really wanting to (or wanting to, but not knowing why?)

It just is what it is. And whatever it is, it's her problem not yours. I know that doesn't seem to help, but in the long run it does. When I don't feel obligated to "make" other people happy, and don't let my happiness hinge on anyone else's, I don't stress about their reactions (whether positive or negative).

You have choices. You can ignore her behavior entirely. You can get angry. You can be sympathetic. You can confront her (though it may help, it may not). You can choose to avoid the weight loss subject around her.

Do whatever is most comfortable for you, and realize that her issues are her problem. She may be a mean, spitefull, horrible person - or she may just be a messed up, mixed up person like most of us (I'm guessing it's the latter).

Either way, it's not your responsibility to fix her (and you probably couldn't if you tried).

cherrypie · 10-11-2011, 02:46 PM

Just ignore her. I suspect she likes being the "thin" one and is threatened by your success. Or she is just nasty and can't stand anyone else having any attention. Use her nastiness to light your fire and feel free to spin in front of her as often as you like.

PreciousMissy · 10-11-2011, 03:50 PM

I don't have an answer as to why you're aunt is being nasty and selfish, but BRAVO to you for your loss, and double BRAVO to your mom for not allowing someone to diminish your accomplishments or put you down like that!

I've read so many posts about how mothers are not supportive and it's great to hear about one!!

linJber · 10-11-2011, 07:33 PM

Well, PreciousMissy beat me to it! As I was reading you post and the ones that followed, especially the one from Kaplods, I thought, "There isn't anything I can add except to say'Bravo' to your mom for telling it like it is."

You are to be commended. So is your mom. Your aunt can go pout somewhere on her own. Keep up the great work.

Lin

MrsTee · 10-11-2011, 08:32 PM

I tend to think some people (generalisation) don't like to see others doing well? I think they feel in some way it detracts from them? You might find underneath (way underneath I'm sure) she LIKES you being overweight, makes her feel superior to you. And you loosing weight threatens her.

Having done some leadership/coaching mentoring FEAR is a powerful motivator, and she maybe afraid you will lose weight and all of a sudden be "as good as" or better than her?

Pop Physcology I know - but to me it makes sense...

astrophe · 10-11-2011, 10:03 PM

Keep it simple. Next time aunt does something like that ask her point blank in the moment.

Quote:

I saw my mom on Sunday, and my aunt was there. I was excited because I had a new success to share with my mom, and I hadn't talked to her in quite a while. So when I saw her, I spun in a circle and said "34". My aunt made a snorting noise and said "Well I'd like to know what you're doing because you never exercise. I work my butt off and cant lose 2 lbs."

"Aunt, I'm sorry your exercise plan is disappointing you right now and it isn't going well. But that is no reason for dumping your bad mood all over my small happy that I wanted to share with my mother. Is something else going on that is bothering you? Are you alright? Do you know how you sound?"

And then sit back and see how she responds.

Remember, just because other people want to fling their baggage around and get all stroppy... that doesn't mean you have to rush in there to hold it all for them. They can carry their own baggage!

A.

rachaelm · 10-12-2011, 08:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by astrophe

"Aunt, I'm sorry your exercise plan is disappointing you right now and it isn't going well. But that is no reason for dumping your bad mood all over my small happy that I wanted to share with my mother. Is something else going on that is bothering you? Are you alright? Do you know how you sound?"

I would love to see this! LMK how this goes...

PearlNorth · 10-12-2011, 03:24 PM

I have a brother like her. What I have said: I love you Michael,. Stops him every time.