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Old 02-15-2011, 12:41 AM   #1  
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The weather here was gorgeous this weeked and I met my daughter in San Francisco for lunch and shopping. We were having a great day until the restaurant. I don't know if any of you have experienced this before, but I could not fit into the booth...I mean I have had some tight squeezes before, but never like this. I literally could not breath or move when I was in it...I was stuck! It was mortifying! My poor daughter took it all in stride, but how embarrassing for her! Basically I told her that I was very embarrassed and wanted to leave the restaurant, rather than ask for a table. She understood and we left and went to another place, but it was awful...really awful, the whole mood was just down!!! After lunch, she went back to school and I drove home, crying most of the way. I think that everyone has these types of moments in whatever their struggles may be, but unlike a "normal" person who identifies and tackles the problem...I added to it!!! Instead of going home and taking a walk or motivating myself to fix it...I went out and bought a box of See's candy and ate it all!!! I had a pity party and now I feel worse and ate a gazillion calories. Before this happened, I was feeling okay...I had been sticking to my calorie limit and really identifying "trigger" foods and staying away from them. I just can't believe that after one of the most humiliating experiences of my life, I do the one thing that got me there. I am so disgusted with myself!!! I just keep thinking that my daughter will always remember "that time" when I had to leave the restaurant, because I could not fit.
Huhhhhh...I know what I have to do, but it drives me crazy that I can let myself just get like that.
Well I just had to get it out and thank you all for letting me do that here...
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Old 02-15-2011, 01:26 AM   #2  
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That has happened to me enough times that my daughter automatically pulls the table toward her if it's not bolted to the floor, or she'll ask "Are you sure this is okay?" But it hasn't stopped me from squeezing in and ordering a burger, fries, cheese curds and a malt. Funny how for some people it would trigger an "ah ha" moment but not for me.
Well honey, YOU got through this day, don't let it mess up tomorrow. <3
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Old 02-15-2011, 06:19 AM   #3  
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Oh KT, I'm sure a lot of us on this area of the forum have had similar experiences. Not just the not fitting in the booth, but an emotional reaction that brings on bad food choices. So I will offer you a big , because I've certainly been there. And it is awful!

You mentioned that you are working out your trigger foods. An excellent strategy! But triggers aren't all about what foods make you want to eat more. Lots of us have a set of triggers related to how we are feeling, too. Somewhere along the way, most of us here have LEARNED that food can be used to soothe, comfort, entertain, etc. And feeling super-bad about myself for any number of reasons is something that needs soothing, that's for sure!

I'm almost 9 months in to this journey, and I'm still actively trying to find new coping mechanisms for when things go wonky. STILL haven't discovered anything that even comes close to food in it's power to instantly make everything go away (even though unfortunately that feeling is so fleeting and ends up making it worse in the long run). But that's what we gotta do, just keep trying to think of other ways to deal with sadness, embarrassment, stress, boredom, etc. It's an experiment, really.

I had a plumbing disaster at the beginning of the year, and while I was waiting to find out if the final bill would be $1500 or $6000, I was so stressed and started imagining the CALM that would come over me if I stuffed down 2 big macs. And I was almost desperate to get that feeling. I didn't eat the feelings, tried deep breathing (which didn't do much of a squat -- I think that needs to be practiced regularly to really harness it), and basically just flapped around in the breeze in a panic till it was resolved. But it was an opportunity to get in touch with my feelings and TRY to figure out what maybe to do next time I'm in that kind of stress.

You are a work in progress. Learn from everything that happens!
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Old 02-15-2011, 06:45 AM   #4  
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Been there. I hate that you had to experience it. Keep your head up girl. <3
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Old 02-15-2011, 08:10 AM   #5  
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Isn't it odd how we react sometimes??? I think many of us in 300+ can relate to your exact situation.

The damage is done, and now you need to try to move past it.

The good news is you can learn from how you reacted... I really think this journey is as much mental as physical and figuring out how we react to situations lets us change it in the future.
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Old 02-15-2011, 12:14 PM   #6  
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I remember the moment that I could no longer fit in a booth. I remember how I had been complaining that they were making booths too small (and airline seats too!), and then it happened to ME, I did not fit! I soon had to tell the hostess that I wanted a table as though I were picky about seating. Who was I fooling?Oh, how that hurt my sense of self. But it got worse, I remember the day I could no longer reach for personal cleanliness. I cried that day in horror of just how obese I had become.

Up until then, I could overlook the huffing and puffing, the exhaustion, the painful joints, the way I could knock stuff off a table by turning around, the inability to tie my shoes, clip my toenails without a major struggle. Yet, at the same time, the horrific reality of increasing weight was hard to take, but constantly reminding me that I was beginning to incapacitate myself. There certainly was a upper limit of what my body could handle with weight. I created a new reality in which I lived, quiet shame that there were things I could not do anymore. Sit on the floor with my grandchild? Take a walk up a hill? Fit in an airline seat? Fit behind a steering wheel? In a movie theatre? Let me just say, those things are humiliating as it is, but not being able to reach all parts of my body during a shower was what did me in.

We all know how we get there, it's just that a small part of us justifies our need to eat and overlook the reality of what is happening to our bodies and our sense of self. Sad that health is not a concern until we get the dreaded diagnosis of diabetes or some other disease that is linked to obesity. The urge to eat just doesn't wither away because we get these moments of shock, in fact as eating has always been the comforter, it still wins out as the shock absorber. Yet, something deep inside me made me wonder to what point in destroying my body and my sense of self in the name of food was I will willing to go? I never thought I would hit 300 pounds. I did. I never could comprehend 400, or 500 pounds...but what would the difference make? One incapacity leads to another......soon we find a way to accept how awful our daily lives have become. It's survival. Horror and shame soon make way for self soothing through food.

The thing that is fabulous, is that you recognized it for what it is. You put a name to it, you saw the pattern, you saw the results, you felt the familiar anger rise up. THAT is what the catalyst of change is based on.

Each and every time I have the urge to eat off my plan, I make myself remember the moments that caused me a great deal of pain, either physically or emotionally. Do I want to go back there, to that dark and isolating place? Do I really want to be incapacitated by my weight? Do I really want food to be so important, that I would sacrifice myself to it, letting my very quality of life slip away through avoiding relationships, social interaction and continuing health decline? (oh, as YES! I use to believe that I wasn't having any health issues! Now I am diabetic!)

I also make myself think through the process of a past binge, from the first orgasmic bite to how I felt afterward, the next morning....how it it all played out. Is it worth it to do that all over again? Funny, it is always about the anticipation of the first few bites, but suddenly it changes into a self imposed punishment. I would eat until I could not eat another bite. I hurt. I felt sick. I was groggy and lethargic the next day. Wow, this was fun? How did I ever think bingeing was always a matter of "just this once" and not see the train coming?

Until I made myself see it, review it, I could not change it. I use to think it took something outside myself to change, like a new diet or exercising, or different foods. All it took was a mindset change. I had to stop thinking the way I did about myself, about food and about my body.

Last edited by martinimouse; 02-15-2011 at 12:53 PM.
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Old 02-15-2011, 01:54 PM   #7  
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Mmouse,

You wrote a very thoughtful post!

I totally agree we know how we got there, but when stuff like this happens I feel like I've been slapped in the face. What a shock! Disbelief is usually my first reaction (wha..? can't get in a booth?), then blaming someone or something else (companies are making these things too small), then acceptance (time to just do tables). My problem is accepting too many of these "inconveniences".

The shock factor never did much to keep my eating in line. I've even tried replacing eating with some fun activity - nope. Distractions don't work either. My bratty inner kid (BIK) just sticks her tongue out at me, pitches a fit and gets angry. "Why do I have to suffer when person X can eat a piece of cake and still be a size 3?" I know the answer to that one, btw, it's just that BIK starts a temper tantrum and I know food x will calm and soothe.

I am looking for options that my brain cell and BIK can all agree upon.

Still a work in progress!
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Old 02-15-2011, 02:12 PM   #8  
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KT: Hey lady....I've been there. When I go out with friends or family...I suggest we go to a table..so that doesn't happen to me. I'm so sorry hun. BUT...look at all the babes who wrote you...all of whom understand..and ALL are gorgeous babes now! I can't want to be in the 200s. Thank you all for the encouragement. KT Im with ya hun!!

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Old 02-15-2011, 02:38 PM   #9  
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Oh KT.... Been there...done that...and when I have fit into the booth, my boobs were sitting ON the table. I can soooo relate! I have also been at a new friend's house and sat on a chair and had it break. Mortifying? Yes! Did it kill me? NOPE! Can I remember it as if it happened last week? Sure can!! I never want that to happen *ever* again.

I think MMouse wrote a wonderfully thoughtful post that summarizes my feelings and much more eloquently than I ever could.
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Old 02-15-2011, 10:04 PM   #10  
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Thank you all for such wonderful words!!! I know I am not alone and it feels really good to let things out to people who understand and who can relate to the struggles I am facing.
Martinimouse-you put a lot into perspective for me and I will now look to those words often...so thank you!

Wishing you all well and many successes on this journey!
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Old 02-17-2011, 01:53 AM   #11  
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I'm sorry you went through that I went to a restaurant once that was a VERY tight squeeze. Can't remember which. I was humiliated and miserable the entire time.
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Old 02-17-2011, 02:19 PM   #12  
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KT I have been in your shoes more times than id like to admit. I have the dreaded apple shape body and i carry most of my weight in my belly. The way I resolved this issue was to ask for a table but now I just never dine out because i am to ashamed of myself. I have grown tired of being watched by other diners or overhearing rude comments.

Martinimouse, very well said its as if you havd written that post about me. Sadly i am begining to go through some serious health issues and even that dosent seem enough to motivate me. Im seriously scared for my own health.

Torister, I have never broken a chair (yet)(unless toliet seats count) but it has always been one of my biggest fears. I used to go to this hair salon when i was in my 20's and they had these chairs that were a metal frame that were held together buy what appeared to be a series of thin rubber tubes. I used to show up for my appointment late so i wouldnt run the risk of having to sit and wait.
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Old 02-17-2011, 02:32 PM   #13  
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What a bad, bad day. I always tried to convince myself that booths were made for skinny people... if only that were really true.

Move forward... move past this. Everyone gave you really great advice.

See's candy and I have a long and torrid history. I once had a REALLY bad day (much like yours) and ate half a pound of See's buttercreams to make myself feel better. Then I felt really bad for doing it and decided to run on my treadmill to make up for it. Well, half a pound of buttercreams on an empty stomach then followed by a workout clearly didn't work for me, because I passed out on the treadmill and fell off! Nice.
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Old 02-19-2011, 02:41 PM   #14  
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KT, I feel your pain. I have a love hate relationship with booths. They are far more comfortable, and I don't have to worry about the chair holding me. I was at a wedding once and saw a chair break under a woman holding her infant child and it was horrible. On the flip side, I hate when booths have a table that doesn't move. Usually I circle the table for a second and pick the side that looks wider and if its even or if the table will in fact move, I pick the side facing away from the bulk of the restaurant. The past few years I've just started asking for a table right off, then I still so cautiously that I'm barely sitting just in case.

A few years back I went to a steakhouse and it was such a tight fit that the table was squishing my legs down as well as my belly in. The kicker was they literally did not have any tables. It was a first for me, and I was left with no option but to leave. The waitress kept asking us what was wrong. So much for a graceful exit. Then she looked at me and it was like a lightbulb when on for her. She just said "Oh" and walked away. I cried the whole way and proceeded to skip meals for the next two days, and followed it up with a huge binge.

I also got kicked off a ride at an amusement park once because the saftey harness could close and lock over my legs. That same day I had an issue on a rollercoaster where I had to sit in a specific row with a larger seat belt. I kept feeling like I was going to fall out of the thing and got so nauseous that I couldn't really go on any more rides. I had gone with co-workers so I couldn't leave either. I had to tag along and sit by myself while everyone else enjoyed themselves. I have been back to an amusement park since which sucks because I love them. I can't wait until I can go back. That is going to be a huge NSV for me.

I know its embarrassing when it happens but you move on from these things. Use it as motivation for the future. Now, whenever I want to eat something I shouldn't or skip a workout I think about how I felt getting kicked off that ride in front of 50 people. I was mortified, and I don't ever want to feel that way again. You are definitely not alone on this one KT.
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Old 02-20-2011, 03:30 PM   #15  
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I think most of us know exactly where you are from experience. Food's a funny thing. Too many calories put us where we are, and we find comfort in those very things that have made us miserable.

Everything's more difficult when you're larger. Finding cute clothes, finding boots that fit over your calves, exercising, housework, basic hygiene, booths, seatbelts, airplanes....EVERYTHING.

The great thing is that you're working to make things less difficult. Hang in there, and use this to motivate you.

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