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Food is all I have.

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Old 08-05-2010, 11:52 PM   #1
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Default Food is all I have.

I've been thinking about posting this for a while, I feel like I'm at my all time low. I came here a few months ago and was kindly invited to the 'positives' thread and I thought I was ready. I regret to admit that I only got a few post in before I gave up. A little info about me-I'm 27 years old and just got my first ever car in May of this year. Having that freedom for the first time is great, but I totally went to crazy and hit every drive thru in town many, many times. And I don't mean one sandwich, I mean I'm eating till I feel sick and counting the hours till I can do it again. Some wiring in my brain is definately messed up. I wouldn't admit this if I weren't at rock bottom now, but I feel so alone and I just can't take it any more.

Today for example, I had the day off so I slept until 1pm. Got up and had about an hour and a half on the internet, hit the McDonalds drive thru. Came home and was either on the computer or laying in bed till 5pm. Took a shower, more internet till 7:30 when I went out to pick up Chinese food. Now it's more internet and tv till bed. If I hadn't just lived it I wouldn't believe that I'd let my life become so meaningless. I'm tired all the time and even though I can sit and make 'to-do' lists all day long, I just don't have the energy to get anything done. I know I'm probably depressed, but I have no insurance and no spare money to go see anyone. And when I say no money I mean it, I am only getting enough hours now to pay my bills, in fact it's the 5th of August and I already spend my "extra" cash for the month on tonights dinner. No money for groceries or anything (I've got plenty of food at home, I just don't find it appealing since I've been eating nothing but crap for months.)

I've been an in-home caregiver for a lady with MS for the last 9 years, but sadly she passed awayin March at 80 years old. Her dear husband has been keeping me on as much as he can for cooking/cleaning etc because I became part of the family. I am set to begin a CNA course Aug 25th and the closer that date gets the worse I feel. I have social anxiety to begin with, but now I'm going into this class completely blind. I can't stop worrying about being the biggest person in the class, what sort of seating will be available, uniforms, etc. I ordered myself a 4x set of scrubs last week and when they came they were just a tad too small. *sigh* So I had to go back and order a 5x set. My feet/ankles are another problem, they are too fat/swollen to just wear any type of shoes. Most don't fit or the sides cut painfully into my ankles. I bought a pair of Mercy Work Crocs because they are about the only shoes that are even close to working. They hurt, but I have no other choice. I just feel like a fat slob squeezing myself into a uniform and that no one will take me seriously. I know being a CNA is HARD work too, and I keep saying I can get myself into shape, but at the end of the day I'm always back at the drive-thru.

My title says food is all I have, and that's what I feel like. The only family I have is my mom, who is across the country and hasn't seen me in 11 years. She always mentions her "350lb" coworker who never gets his work done because of his weight, I'd die before I told her I weigh 350lbs. I have 1 friend. We met on the internet 7 years ago and have never met in person, she does not know I am overweight because I refuse to put up current pics of myself. I had another friend, but as of this last week that 6 year friendship has ended-so, I'm alone. With the death of the lady I cared for back in March, I had to face the facts that's I'll sooner or later lose her 79 yo husband too. Then I'll be all alone. So, food is my comfort. Every situation somehow gets better when I tell myself I can hit the drive thru at the end of the day. Everything except feeling hideous, being broke, being in physical pain, and being ashamed. I get almost giddy about planning what I am going to have. I feel like a two year old throwing a temper tantrum if something gets in the way. I see a commercial for a new offering at a fast food joint and I obsess about it till I can get it. I try and bring a huge purse or my swim bag so I can put the food bags in there so my neighbors don't see, as if I'm fooling anyone. The first thought in my head each morning is what I get to eat that day. I made myself a healthy veggie soup last week, and it was terrible so I tossed it. Wasted that little bit of cash I had.

I just feel like I'm at rock bottom now, I've known about my class for months now and the plan was to lose some weight, get into a healthy eating pattern, really clean my apartment, etc-but the weeks have just ticked off and all I've done is GAIN 20lbs. And at my weight it takes a lot of extra food to gain so much. I guess my post is pretty pointless cause no one can smack any sense into me, but I thought maybe if I posted tonight then tomorrow when it's time to come home, I would be able to skip the drive-thru.
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Old 08-06-2010, 01:25 AM   #2
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Kitsey,

Thank you for sharing. I know it can be extremely hard to tell other people about the things we struggle with the most. I honestly believe that everyone here has hit their own version of rock bottom, but the good thing is that by coming here and wanting a change, you're already getting your first hand-hold to climb back up. There is so much knowledge and kindness and strength shared in this forum, and the people here will help you get up and stay standing. I'm not sure if you are wanting advice right now or if what you need in this moment is just for someone to stand with you. Whether you want advice or support, you will get it. Maybe try visiting the depression section of the forum if reading or posting there would help you. There is also a Faith Based Support Group which faith has helped me greatly. I did struggle with not living my life because of my weight until I learned something very important. I am alive regardless of my weight. I decided that I wasn't going to stop living because I let my weight hold me back. Once I made this decision, I was happier and I started doing more and eating less. It's not that I started living by losing weight, but that I started losing weight as a result of living. Don't wait to live. Life is much much too important and good to give up. You are so much stronger than you think, dear Kitsey.
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Old 08-06-2010, 02:58 AM   #3
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Kitsey,
I read your post and something about it just spoke to me, if I was there with you right now I'd give a big hug and remind you of how beautiful you are.
What I'm hoping is that you'll read this all the way through and I won't get lost in rambling, it's late and I'm tired so forgive me if I do.

Food was me was comfort, it was the only thing I felt I had control over in my life and eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted gave me the power I didn't think I had. The problem was it was killing me. I couldn't walk to the mail box and not feel like I was 110 years old. I'm only 37. I couldn't walk down the stairs without taking them one at a time, I had no energy, I mean none. I needed to take a nap after doing well nothing at all. And drive thrus were one of my best friends. I didn't have to see anyone except the person at the window and who cares what they thought I'd be gone in a few minutes anyway.

Like I said, the problem was I was miserable and I was killing myself. Last December I had had enough, now like you I had said that a million times before and what would make this time any different then the rest. Well, this place. I found on these boards you can find help and support and love. You need it, it's there within minutes most of the time. And then an amazing thing happened. I found myself committed as much to the women here as to myself. Here I found the one thing I had always been missing. Wonderful, beautiful role models. Women who have deeply impacted and changed my life.
Barb, Heather, Carol, Learn, Aggie, Deb, and IdealMuse, they have been where I'm at and have lived to tell the tale. All the ups and downs, all the challenges and successes, they've seen it all. And the greatest thing, they will step in and give you whatever you need in a heartbeat, no questions asked and asking for nothing in return. It's weird how people I've never met have added so much depth to my life.

You have to do a few things for yourself. You have to come to these boards regularly and POST, not just lurk. Let us help and love you and enrich our lives by doing that in return.

You have to be honest, even when it hurts, even when it's hard.

You have to accept that right now, this very moment, you are a beautiful woman who adds to the world around you.


I joined the exercise thread and it was the greatest thing I've ever done. I've lost 66 pounds, I feel fantastic. I get my exercise in just about daily because I feel a commitment to my family here in the 300+ community. When I first started out a 1/2 mile just about killed me, I'd take a 2 hour nap afterward. Last month I had a few days when I exercised 4 hours in the day. Ask me back in December if I thought that was possible...heck, no but now I believe anything is possible.

You can do this, if I can do it, you can do it baby.
I'm here anytime you need some encouragement or advice, or just a hug.

I hope to see you around ALOT and I look forward to getting to know you better.

All my love,
Faith


Ok, after I wrote all this I realized I'm signed in under my daughter..My username is sweetcakes736, feel free to contact me anytime.
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Old 08-06-2010, 07:04 AM   #4
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Hi Kitsey,
I was wondering where you ran off to. I miss you on the POSITIVE thread. I'm so sorry your going through a rough patch, but you coming on 3FC tells me one thing. You want out of that patch and we're gonna support you as you climb out of it. We've all been in your position before. OMG! Do you know how many times I've started over saying never again. I have been getting "Do Overs" so many time I've lost count, but coming to 3FC has been the best thing to ever happen to me spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
I would like to ask you to try something for me. Today give up one trip to the drive-thru. Tomorrow ask yourself to do it again. Do it again the next day and the next day after that, and so on and so on. Just stay home instead and have some home cooked meal, a sandwich or something. At the end of the week try to reflect on the week and how easy it was to give up that one trip to the drive-thru. Now see if you can do it again, but skip that evening trip to the drive-thru. Just take one day at a time and try not to think about how heavy you are or the scale. Try to think how wonderful you are and how important you are to your mom and your internet friends. You know what, I have more friends on the internet that I have never met before then in real life. Actually to tell you the truth my face to face friends are very few, but they are important to me and I always know they feel the same about me.
Come to think of it you have more then one internet friend, because I don't respond to a post unless I feel a bond/friendship for someone, so add me to your list, add sweetcakes and ohlove also. I even remember the first time I responded to one of your posts. You were looking for help finding a bathing suit. You even PM'd me and thanked me, because you recieved the suit I reccommended and it fit fine and you couldn't wait to use it. I hope you have, because the pool is my only form of exercise and it has been my savior.
Come here everyday, stop in on the POSITIVE thread because I wanna hear how your day went. Do this one day at a time my friend.
PM me if you need to talk, but really we're all here for you if you need to talk. OMG! Can some of us gab too!
Make today your beginning, think about how awesome you are and don't forget to add me to your list of friends.

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Old 08-06-2010, 08:12 AM   #5
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Kitsey -- Medicating ourselves with food is something many of us are very familiar with!! The good news is you CAN make changes that will shift the cycle!


As suggested above, just making one change TODAY can make a difference. If you can make a COMMITMENT to change you'll be surprised by how quickly you'll feel much better -- even before the weight comes off.

If you want to see your life as different, I promise it can be!! Please join us on the weekly thread!
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Old 08-06-2010, 10:41 AM   #6
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Your story really resonatted with me. I know the feeling of worrying about what seating will be offered. I am a teacher and I constantly am the heaviest person on the staff and I started to blame all my problems at work and with other people on my weight. Then I realized something one day. No one thinks I am as fat as I think I am. I had a co worker who I thought was so skinny honestly think I was the same size clothing as her (she would be like a 16 and I am a 28). I think when you go to your classes you should try really hard to give people a chance you will be reallly surprised when you do!
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Old 08-06-2010, 11:26 AM   #7
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I just wanted to let you know that I took a CNA class two years ago. I was expecting to be the largest person in the class, however there was another woman who was a bit larger as well as a few women who were still over 200lbs. I weighed 280lbs when I took this class. I found that the clinical training was tiring but I could do it and I felt good after finishing the day. Try to find a good pair of sneakers if you can.
I too had the goal I would lose weight before the classes started but I did not. I did find I lost about 10lbs during class. I did not end up using the certificate as I work in the mental health field now.

I think that you are bored and depressed, I have been there before where the only thing you have to look forward to is food. Do you live near a park? Do you know anyone with a dog? Try doing just a few shorts walks in the park weekly maybe you will meet new people and the fresh air will help lift your mood. You need social connections! What state are you in?
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Old 08-06-2010, 11:39 AM   #8
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Kitsey,
The first thing I want to say to you is that you have more than one internet friend. You have all of us here at 3FC who want to be your friend and help support you AND we will except you just as you are!! I just started my journey here at the end of June. I have tried everything at least once and have started over and over again until I found myself up to 349 lbs. I definitely know what it feels like to medicate with food. I have lost both my parents to cancer and when my mom was ill and for years after, I ate away my feelings, literally. I have also hidden food, ate in secret and even pretended to be on the phone asking someone what they wanted so that I could order more food and the people would think is was for two people, not just me...but is was just for me. It takes making that first step and you have...you are here. I, like Learn, am always on the positive thread. It has been a Godsend for me. I am a teacher like Engrid and know how she feels and I am currently getting my master's, so I am a student as well and know how you feel about the desks and the people. I agree with Engrid...there will be people out there that are jerks, but overall most people do not judge by your weight. You are harder on yourself than what they are. I hope you take Learn's challenge and take it day by day, one less fast food place today and then again tomorrow. YOU CAN DO THIS!!! I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can. I also know what it feels like to be gross and fat. We have to think better of ourselves than that. Common girl, we can do this together, take my hand and let's do this thing! PM me anytime...come to the positive thread and we are there EVERYDAY!!!
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Old 08-06-2010, 12:47 PM   #9
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Wow, these women are awesome!
Kitsey, I hope you feel the love and support of these women. I just sat here reading all the entries and could just feel their arms around you and holding your hand to walk with you. We have all been there. I'm also glad to know I am not the only one who has pretended to be on the phone asking someone what they wanted so that I could order more food and the people would think is was for two people, not just me...but is was just for me. I also worry about the seating at places and have stopped going to places because of it. I know it sounds silly but I didn't realize until recently that I use food as comfort. But boy do I ever. I've only been on the weight loss journey (this time) for 6-7 weeks but I have already lost 16 pounds. In the past I wasn't even able to notice that I had lost weight until I would lose 50 pounds but this time I am already seeing changes. I was laughing yet excited when I put on my underwear this morning and the front didn't roll down under my belly! What an embarassing thing to be excited about. It's not like I can just go tell anyone that one! But it felt AWESOME! The journey will be long but the results will start soon. You can do it and we are all here to cheer you on. I pray you take Learn's challenge and I look forward to hearing more from you soon.
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Old 08-06-2010, 01:51 PM   #10
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I posted something about food being my comfort not all that long ago. I can trust it to always be there, never cause me the pain people have, never hate me because of the way I look, never belittle me because I am so big.... but then I realized, the one thing I turned to was killing me.

It is killing you, mentally and physically.

Only you can decide what to do about it, only you can make the changes needed. I used a forum to quit smoking but they couldn’t stop for me, I am using here to lose weight but you can’t do it for me.

Albert Einstein defined insanity as doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. Change one thing, get up earlier, eat out one less time a day or park your car at the back of the parking lot and walk.... etc. Just one thing will make a difference. Sometimes looking at the big picture is way too overwhelming, so start small, something you can do.

School is hard when you are as big as we are, I found teachers to be understanding, have them move a table in and sit there. It makes you different but at least you can concentrate on learning and not thinking about how painful those desk are.

You are here. Come back, read all the post you can about how people over came their rock bottoms.
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Old 08-06-2010, 02:12 PM   #11
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Oh Kitsey..**HUGS** and many **HUGS** for you. We have all been there where we feel that we have no other option but to turn to food. But know that there are many people in this world in the exact place as you are here. I hope that you can find some comfort in sharing your story with the men and women on this forum, and finding a peace with yourself. Maybe you could try talking to your mother more often and that will help ease your depression. My mom only lives a couple of hours away but with gas prices as they are (or soon to be) it is difficult for me and sometimes I wish I could just hop in my car and drive home to see her. So I call her, and just hearing her voice brings warmth to my life. She is your mother and the one person you should be comfortable sharing your despair with. Realizing you want help and reaching out to someone you trust can be hard, but believe me it would benefit you by just talking to someone. Family is your BEST option when you are feeling down in the dumps..at least for me. Hope you find your way. **HUGS**
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Old 08-06-2010, 02:34 PM   #12
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TW is right, where else can you be so honest about stuff and have others who completely understand about being excited that your underwear didn't roll itself down under your belly?

I too am an ex CNA, and I was not the largest in the class either.
That class was a God send as it led to a private duty job.

You will do great as you already have some good experience behind you.

Okay, now what HAVE you done?....You have gathered experience for 9 years, caring for an older woman.
You have cared for her husband.
You have made a future plan for a class to make you more employable.
You have been taking a long hard look at your current situation.
You have reached out to others.
You have been very honest with yourself.
You have been very honest in telling your story, and I know that was difficult, I just told mine over in the 100+ forum and it was hard seeing my past laid out for others to see.
You have returned to this place right now, because something is drawing you here.
You have admitted you need help.

What I see,
A woman who has so much to offer.
A woman who has been caring for others because it has been easier than caring for herself.
A woman who is being honest about her shortcomings.
A woman who has issues with feelings of not being deserving.
A woman who is split, but is fighting to be whole.
A woman who needs support while she is finding her own strength.

As Learn has said, we are all here for you and for each other. We have all been down in the hole. We are all at one point or another on the same journey.

You DO deserve better.
You are a woman. You have strengths in you that you will be surprised at.
You CAN overcome any crap life throws at you.
You CAN start out with small steps until you find yourself taking huge strides.
You CAN be proud of even the smallest positive you find in your daily life.
You CAN have failures, but you will not make them permanent.
You CAN learn from past mistakes.
You CAN learn from: a crappy childhood, a horrible adolescence, a past illness, a bad marriage, a miserable job and from unhealthy attitudes.
You CAN find a way.
You CAN ask for help and actually GET it.

Now, how's about finding one little positive in your day and telling us about it?
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Old 08-06-2010, 02:55 PM   #13
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You can find and create other things in your life. It's not easy, but it doesn't have to be very hard, either.

Fast food and restaurant food costs add up fast, so if you can learn to eat at home, that will free up your budget somewhat. I know that's hard when food seems like all you have in your life, but that's why you've got to start adding things in. Don't beat yourself up if you don't find change easy and sometimes make mistakes.

I would suggest that you see if there's a TOPS group in your area. The cost is very low compared to other programs, and the hardest part to afford will be the yearly national membership dues (about $25). But really that isn't so bad when you see it as 5 trips to McDonalds (and with the $25, you also get the montlhy newsletter magazine. Interesting articles, success stories and recipes). The monthly dues are usually $5 per month or less in most areas, and most clubs do little contests in which you can "win back" some of your monthly dues. In my last group the monthly fee was $3, and you didn't have to pay your monthly fee if you lost 10 lbs in the previous month. If you gained weight, you put a dime per pound in the fine basket (it was done discretely before the meeting, so no one knew how much you put in, unless you wanted them to know) and if you were the best loser for the week, you got all the money in the basket.

The weekly accountability, the praise for weight loss, and the socialization would give you something besides food.

My husband didn't like our last group, so we dropped out. I wish we hadn't. I've decided to rejoin a different group closer to our new apartment (whether or not hubby goes is going to be his problem, not mine. I'm going whether or not he does).

I'm pretty outgoing, so it's fairly easy for me to make friends, so I know it can be harder for some people. But it can be so important, it's really worth the effort. The nice thing about the TOPS groups is that everyone there has many of the same issues.

If there are several groups in your area, try them all, you can visit each or any meeting at least once for free. Some groups are even more flexible and will let you sit in on a couple meetings before deciding wether to join (you're just not eligible for the contests until you join).

You can make your world bigger than it is, it's just not a quick or easy process. Don't try to do it all at once, though or you'll just get burnt out and frustrated. Break it down into manageable steps.

I know it sounds difficult, but you can do it one step at a time.
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Old 08-06-2010, 03:33 PM   #14
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Hi Kitsey
The reason I wanna read your threat is because I felt the same way at some point in my life. It wasn’t easy to get out that rut, but you have to start from somewhere.
So, in march of 2008 I decided I was going to eat healthier and exercise, so I could get rid of the extra weight. People who see me now say they are jealous of my figure and wish they could be like me, but nobody sees that I am at the gym 7 days/week and watch every morsel I eat during the week days (I use weekends to treat myself - it was the only way I found to keep the weight off).
So, when I started exercise, I borrowed diet/fitness books from the local library (they are free) and read them while doing my cardio. In one of the books I read about 3FC (one of the best things that happen in my life lately) and here I am until today. I am not sure I could have done half of what I did if wasn’t for this forums.
I come here daily, to give and receive support. And I advise you doing the same, even when you are not doing well with your food intake.
I just ask you to beat yourself too hard, because it won’t help you in any way.
And my humble advice is keep coming here and get yourself a library card and read as many “health/books” as you can. One after another.
The one I am reading right now seems like a perfect fit for you right now, and I highly recommend it:
Never say diet : make five decisions and break the fat habit for good
This is a true history of someone who also reached the rock bottom and changed her life.
Give yourself a chance to change. You took the first step: you are here!
Best luck to you
Bele
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Old 08-06-2010, 03:59 PM   #15
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Kitsey, YAY!! It sounds like maybe you have finally hit rock bottom! Time to celebrate!!!! I know that sounds crazy, but some of us really have to learn things the hard way - that definitely has always been me! So once you get to the bottom, there's nowhere to go but up!!!

I hit my rock bottom a few months ago. I was so SO tired all the time, and even though I have great family, job and friends, I truly felt that sitting on the couch with some chinese or McDonald's and watching a good show was my ONLY joy and pleasure in life. I was swollen, fat, all my huge clothes were too tight, I had high blood pressure, I basically felt like I was just sitting there waiting to go to my early grave. Ha, I guess you could say I was depressed. The fact that I have a beautiful daughter and a great husband really just ADDED to my misery a lot of the time, because then I had to feel guilty about how badly I was letting them down all the time, how I was teaching my daughter to be just like me and knowing that it was only a matter of time before my husband couldn't take it anymore. So yeah, something snapped in me. I was literally standing on the edge of a cliff, and I had to decide if I was going to go ahead and take that next step over the edge, or if I was going to slowly and steadily start taking some steps away.

Thank GOD I made the right choice. I can't tell you what a difference the 31 lbs I have lost has made in me. I have been watching what I eat, lots of fresh, healthy foods, and I tell you, the swelling is almost gone -- most likely a whole lot less sodium in what I'm eating now. My blood pressure is better, and I've avoided having to go on meds. My house is clean, and I've been spending much more quality time with my little girl. My husband and I have even started to rekindle the flame . Let me stress to you that I am STILL well over 300 lbs. As Heather said, it is remarkable how much better you can feel once you get started and can manage to shed just a few pounds!

If you need help with a plan, there is a whole section on different plans here. Read through them and see what sounds best to you. Give it a try and tweak as necessary. Come here and post daily. I'd like to invite you back over to the Positives thread, as we truly are friends there -- love one another and inspire each other every day. I'm sure all the weekly threads are similar to this as well, where you get a core group who truly gets to know and care for each other. The thing I like about the Positives one in particular (besides all my girls -- LOVE YOU LADIES! ) is that even if I'm having a bad day and not much SEEMS positive, I am forced to acknowledge that every cloud has a silver lining. Doing this has made a huge difference in my attitude. GET EXCITED!!!! As I said before, there is nowhere to go but UP! AND YOU CAN DO IT!!! I LOVE what Woodgal (Diane ) had to say to you about what you HAVE done and what she sees. Embrace it girl, you're awesome!

Don't be a stranger!!!
__________________
Shannon
START: May 25, 2010
FIRST GOAL... 299lbs - ACHEIVED 9/28/10
SECOND GOAL...250lbs - ACHEIVED 4/13/11
THIRD GOAL:
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