I remember you saying something about inherited tiny veins. I'm hoping that your body does what other people's do and create work-around veins from the blockages. There's a name for it and I'm drawing a blank right now. I know you're being careful.
Well, I decided to go ahead and vent on here, even though I'm a newbie.
I feel so frustrated with myself sometimes, knowing that I've allowed myself to get this way and I'm only 23. I've always been obese, ever since I can remember. I guess sometimes that's the most depressing part of being me, as most people can remember what it was like to be ____ and be "normal".
At times, I blame my parents for everything that has happened to me: Why didn't they say no? Why didn't they stop me? But I know the answer to that already: Because they loved me and only wanted me to be happy. I guess they never put that whole "food does not equal love" thing together... if they only knew then what they do now.
I have come to the realization that I can hold no one else responsible for this except myself anymore. I have lost 60 pounds before and "miraculously" gained it all back-- I will never know exactly how that happened, but it didn't seem to take too long; it seems like only a small slip up here and there. I am angry with myself for this: For knowing what it took to take off those 60 pounds only to gain them all back again. In the end, I guess I just long to be normal and for the first time in my life, not to be the fat kid. Ahhh...
Thanks everyone for the comments on the baby. Crossing my fingers over here and trying NOT to ask my son about her.
I am pondering going back to school. I will probably pondering for a while. I really like learning. But have no idea what I want to do. I am thinking of taking some photography classes or art. I love both. I just need my own camera. So I am leaning towards that! Something that will let my creative side run wild!
tiffie: I hope you find the strength to get past everything and focus on you! We are here for you..venting or not!
Tiffie: Welcome! Hang in there hon. Please stop beating yourself up over past mistakes. Today is a new day and you can start fresh!
Cyn: School sounds good. I am considering it again too. lol.
Well, I got up very early today due to a big ole Moose puppy on my bed. I did Yoga yesterday and my walk and then I pulled weeds for a bit over 2 hours. I got all the weeds pulled and when I look into the back yard and see how nice it looks, the sore shoulders are less sore.
Annie, at first I read that you woke up to a Moose Puppy on your head. LOL. Silly bifocals. My legs are a little sore as I am increasing my walking speed for my 3/4 mile. It's always nice to see a clean flower bed after all that work. We've had a bunch of rain and my hedges are growing wild. Looks like major yardwork this weekend.
Tiffie, welcome!! Self-realization is the first step in a long journey. This is a marathon, not a sprint. As many say here, "baby steps".
Cyn, TOM never leaves early, what's with THAT? LOL.
I am packing to go to my son's graduation on Saturday. We'll only be gone for 4 hours, but I pack like the Gilligan's Island group packed for their 3 hour tour. I have 'anaphylaxis kits, bathroom bags, extra clothes, etc." Makes my hubby nuts.
My son really wants me to be at graduation, so I am going to try. We are taking a car and the van in case I bug out and have to leave. I keep repeating the verse "for God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sounds mind". I'm not so sure about my sound mind right now.
Mean mom-in-law arrives in 4 hours -eek.
PINK - been thinking about your situation a lot. Maybe your Pastor can introduce you to some supportive people. She knows you well and might be best at matching you up with those most likely to be a good fit. Feeling abandoned is hard. Another thing that helps me when I'm feeling really lonely and lost is to find someone who I can help. I write letters to missionaries, or send cards to soldiers and it helps me to realize I can make someone else's day a bit brighter and it cheer me up. I wish good things for you!
TIFFIE, I'm fairly new here and its just the best place to learn and get support for this journey - I know you'll be successful!!! One thing I've already learned is that it isn't about being perfect or failing - its about taking one step at a time. For me, it is babysteps!!!
CATHERINE, Are you doing okay? Seems like its been a bit since we've heard?
Well, I'm off to the doctor. last check up before Saturday's adventure.
Oh, I'm fine. I've been knee deep in appointments. And here I thought I was going to have an uneventful summer vacation. I'm making another trip to the airport tomorrow. Hopefully this will be the last one for a few weeks.
Warning, long rant/whine session ahead. Please feel free to skip ahead if you'd like to. I just needed to get this off my chest.
I am a bit depressed and not quite sure what to do right now. I have been obese all of my life, and I have tried losing weight off and on throughout that time. I have been on this leg of this journey (albeit off and on) since 2004. I really started to focus more in 2005 and I was successful at losing weight - for a while anyway. And then I ballooned up.. lost a bit.. gained a bit.. lost a bit.. gained a bit + 1 or 2. I have been through two surgeries, a lot of family & work stress, a couple diagnoses that have helped explain a bit about why I can't lose (or maintain) weight, and most of the time I try to not be too hard on myself because of all the external factors.
Not tonight though. Tonight, I am fed up. Here it is, 6 years from when I first started tackling my weight issues, and I am about 66lbs higher than my highest weight was then. I realize my eating habits have been crap lately, but it's frustrating to me that even when I am perfectly on plan for weeks at a time, it doesn't seem to tip the scales in my favor. I get down below 400 briefly, only to have it bound back up to 410, and most recently 416. When is enough going to truly be enough? When do I find something that works for more than a week or two at a time? When do I get to have the energy and excitement for life that a "normal" 28 year old should have? The energy and excitement ANYONE should have, for that matter! When do I get to figure out who "me" is?
As upset and discontent as I feel, I still refuse to admit defeat. I will admit to feeling defeated.. but I will not surrender. Tonight, I get to wallow a bit. Tomorrow, the only option is to strive to be OP. Even a little better is better than no change, right?
Last edited by brandnewme; 05-14-2010 at 02:22 AM.
DearestVickie (HOPE that's your name!!!! I'm hoping my memory is working) YOU WALLOW, I think it does us good to 'let it out', crying, moaning, wallowing better out than in!!! If you keep it in you WILL overeat, drink etc... Has your Dr offered any advice about medications/treatments for your health issues? Have you considered surgery? I know some people are against it but look at Annie & Ratkitty, sometimes it is being strong to admit you need help or a new 'tool' to get you losing again. I know you can do it!!! HUGS will post more later but it is 8.46am here & I need to take my boys to school.
xxxxxxxxxsharon
Well I lost 8lbs since this MONDAY!!!!! Did loads of gardening-weeding, pulling ivy up + ball exercises & Gazelle. I know quite a bit is post TOM water & I'm sure the new HRT has helped a lot too, I'm also aware as I'm low-carbibg it will drop off very fast to start with but HECK I'll take any loss!
Annie isn't there a surgery where the veins can be replaced or stretched or something? I hope you are getting fitter, stronger & better (like the 6 million $ man!!!lol). FAB about your friend buying you such a lovely thankyou present.xxxxxxx
Ratkitty so pleased you are biking again & getting your fitness back, you are doing so well post-op.xxxxxx
Lindy I don't pray but I'm crossing fingers & sending positive vibes to you. I hope you all get to enjoy the day.xxxxxx
Well housework calls..... I'm going out with my sis & two friends tonight, it's been planned a couple of weeks & sis got her decree absolute today so it's a kind of wake for her marriage. We won't be crying or going crazy celebrating (nothing as pathetic as middle-aged women going bonkers at the pub) but she is relieved to have it all finalised.
xxxxxxxxxsharon
Brandnewme: You let it all out!!! You can do this..I would say don't obcess about the scale for now. Try small baby steps. Try working on one thing at a time. YOU know we are here for you!!
I am so glad it is friday. Work has just been a mess. I have my yearly review coming up next week and for the first time in the 9 years that I have worked there when she asks me if there is any concerns or problems..I am going to pull out my LIST! They are just things that are going on that I am sick of!! We will also be discussing how I can move up in the company. I would have to leave my current position..but I don't know what direction to go. I work in a lab..and doing the clinical part is not my thing. So we shall see what she says.
Also still pondering the school. I really love working on the computer..so I am thinking maybe some classes that shw me how to edit pics..or graphics. Something FUN
My friend wants me to go with her and her sister tomorrow to this little ghost town in arizona. Guess they are doing old home tours. I just might go if TOM will behave! It will be alot of unhill and down hill walking.
- Get up and look at my tired face in the mirror...makes my cheeks puff up and then struck a pose, decided I was still so fat -_-
- Piddled about looking for exercise equipment...decided I'm too fat for the affordable ones -_-
- Rushed to get dressed, got my dreaded pair of BLACK JEANS that are always too small. Put them on, realize i can't button them like I could in Jan, do the "lay on your back on the bed and squeal as you zip them up routine"...they zip up and I'm wearing them as I got them on my boday and they look decent enough!
- Suck down a green smoothie, banana, spinach, and blue berries...put on some makeup, check my makeup in the bathroom and decide that my face is so dry from blowing my nose so much... -_-
- Going to take out my fat frustrations on some clay at pottery class! *HUGS*
I hope my smile will go from -_- to
******
Brandnewme - VENT VENT! It helps...WOOSH I'm gonna be taking out some frustration on clay this morning! *HUGS* We can totally rock this! I agree, baby steps!
Voodoo - WOOHOO on the weight loss!
Lindy - WOO! You go girl! You can rock this as well!
Cyn - Ha reviews...I used to love those. I do graphic and web design and I think taking a class would be fun. You can always download free graphic programs like GIMP and start playing around. I tend to stick to Photoshop and Illustrator. Yeah I'm an Adobe junkie!
Last edited by Jacquie668; 05-14-2010 at 05:41 PM.
I think we should all seriously vent. In fact, now and then, I think we should all have one big hissy fit. It's not fair that our metabolisms suck, that we were trained to have crappy relationships with food from the time we can remember, and that food companies lie to us or supersize us half to death. Yes, we are responsible for everything that goes in our mouths, but I know lots of people who can eat anything the want and never gain an ounce, several of whom are relatives. I'm going off to properly stomp my feet for a bit, feel free to continue the rant.
