I am so frustrated with the husband/diet situation lol It seems I'm finding that hubby and I have not much in common besides EATING junk together. Kind of a shocking revelation as we've been together for 9 1/2 years! I weighed 250 pounds when we met and he has never been bothered by my weight. He is a very big guy himself..6'7" tall and about 285 pounds. In those 9 1/2 years I've gained weight every year and had one child in the middle of it and am now weighing in at 356 (after losing 4 pounds last week yay! lol). This weight still does not bother him in the least which is nice on one hand and bad on the other. I know he will love me no matter what which is good but he also doesn't give me any motivation to change and honestly I feel like he even holds me back a little in that he is a major enabler lol
DH is an over the road truck driver (for only 2 years now) and is usually only home on the weekend. This change is a big help for me because I only have to worry about cooking for myself and my kindergartner now which makes it a lot easier to cook healthy (DH is a major meat and potatoes/pasta kinda guy).
I started Weight Watchers last Monday and did great Mon-Thurs. DH came home early this week so was home Thurs night, Friday, Saturday and Sunday morning. During that time I managed to eat half a pizza, ice cream, cookies, pancakes, etc. Just totally jumped off the wagon and didn't record anything I ate, KNEW what I was doing and still did it. GRR
It all started with the pizza. He is fully aware of my diet and has been super helpful and encouraging on the phone all week but it was a total change when he actually got home. He said let's get pizza (knowing I shouldn't have it) and I LOVE pizza and had been good all week so I caved. I always order so I looked up the WW points and decided to get a thin crust all veggie pizza for me and I knew how many pieces I could have. My 6 year old only likes pepperoni or plain cheese and he had a friend over his age too. Normally my husband will get pepperoni and other spicy things on it like banana peppers, onions etc. so I will order a second one that's just plain cheese. Instead of ordering three pizzas I got just pepperoni on one and then my veggie pizza.
On the way to get the pizza hubby asks me what kind I ordered and he rolled his eyes to let me know he wasn't happy with JUST pepperoni and I already knew he wouldn't eat a veggie pizza..so that really ticked me off and I said something I shouldn't have said which was that he needed to think about the other people in the car besides just himself and he shot right back with that *I* shouldn't think about just MYSELF (because I got myself a healthy pizza that he wouldn't like). I got so mad about that that I just gave up and ate 5 pieces, two of them pepperoni even. THEN we got pop, ice cream and cookies for dessert and I helped myself to however much I freaking felt like. GRR And it made me even madder that DH knew I shouldn't have that stuff and didn't say a word when I kept eating it right in front of him. The rest of the weekend pretty much continued like that.
Soooo today DH is gone again, we've talked on the phone since he left and we "made up" and I asked him to please support me while he's home in addition to when he's gone and he's agreed and apologized, etc. So I am starting back over again today but I am really worried about how the next weekend is going to go with DH back home again. He says a lot of things when he is gone and missing me and then is totally different when he actually gets back home. What can I do to avoid a replay of this weekend? Do you have problems with DH not being on board? It is soooo frustrating!
Hi Newself,
It's frustrating when there's 2 types of eaters in the house. I would suggest some serious planning ahead on your part. Let him have his meat and potatoes, but stick to your guns and eat what's on your WW plan of eating.
If he makes a fuss about it tell him your doing it for you and eating this way will make you feel better physically and emotionally. If he loves you he should understand. Good luck and have a great week!
Once you start to lose weight and things are easier for you (the bedroom will probably get better too)... be sure to point out that it is all the extra energy you have since you have lost weight... it is amazing how that is a motivation for most men
It is hard when you have someone sabatoging you... this is the first time that my hubby is on board and before he would pick my triggers if he wanted to eat bad (ie pizza or mexican food) instead of his triggers (fried chicken, steak or ice cream). He knew I could hold my own against his triggers but was completely powerless over my own. My suggestion should he want pizza again, order one pizza (probably yours, just to give yourself more of a limit) with only 1/2 your way and the other 1/2 your kiddos way. That way you can still order your husband what he wants without causing a fight (I understand that one WAY more then I can say) but everyone still has what they want. Also, take heart in that it does get easier.... the more you are eating healthy the less the other stuff starts to appeal to you. We completely re-vamped our eating habits at the beginning of the year and now, the bad stuff really doesn't sound that good to me anymore. Just yesterday my husband suggested getting donuts and I visiably shuddered at the thought, it just doesn't sound good anymore. This coming Saturday is my birthday and we are going to go for chicago deep dish, but I have already made a deal with myself that I am just going to get one of the small "personal" sized pizzas and split it with my son (he is almost 20 months, but he can do some damage on some food).
Stick with it and it will get easier. As hard as it probably is to have him gone the whole week, it is probably for the best while you are trying to get healthy... you only have to hang tough for a couple of days while he is there. We all believe in you, and you will be amazed at how much better you feel after you have dropped a little. I have only dropped 42.5 and have easily 100+ to go but I feel SO MUCH BETTER!!!!! You will too.
First of all, could you have ordered half a vegetable, half whatever he wanted? Second, WW does not eliminate any food including cookies and ice cream. You just need to plan ahead. You are the only one who is responsible for what goes into your mouth unless your husband is force-feeding you. You could save your 35 WPAs and use them on the weekend to indulge with your husband in reasonable portions. Do you deal with anger by eating? Can you think of other ways to deal with it?
I know you can do this, you stuck with plan those 4 days. You are still new to this so it will take time to figure out how to handle all those situations.
I started out weighing 356 pounds, had a husband who needed to gain weight, and we got to a point where we happily co-existed thanks to WW.
I figure since he's on the road he's not exactly eating healthy then either right? Then ask him for your sake that on the weekends he participate with your diet plan. You aren't asking him to nibble carrots all weekend, but you can still cook food that is healthy and delicious and just make larger portions for him.
Go slow, in fact, next weekend- MAKE homemade pizzas. Buy the crusts and stuff and then make it a fun thing- everyone MAKE their own pizza- any way they want- it's much healthier, it's satisfying, and everyone wins.
I had this issue with my husband- I LOVE him to death- but he LOVES junk food. He is also a steak and potato kind of guy. As he's getting older he realizes he can't eat like this anymore- specially last year he was diagnosed with MS so he has to be more careful about his diet.
Anyways- I did gradual changes- and I still give him more of what he'd like and have learned to not eat the stuff I can't eat.
Like yesterday- I made ranch burgers at home. I took ground beef mixed with ranch seasoning. Then served them on honey wheat buns with sweet potato fries on the side- and for dessert? Fresh cut COLD watermelon! Everyone loved the food and best of all it was healthy
I told my husband afterwards I was so proud of how far he's come since he's been better about his habits. He's more open to the foods I make AND he ate the sweet potato fries without ONE complaint The other day he EVEN told me he was CRAVING a healthy salad- I almost DIED! lol.
Oh and the other thing I do is I'll make dinner and then add an additional side for him that I won't touch. Like I'll make steak and grilled veggies and then add mashed potatoes as a side for him. Works out for everyone
Amy, jeesh I didn't even THINK about doing the pizza half and half. That would have been an easy solution! Will definitely do that next time!! I am so used to him having his own large pizza and me eating 3/4 of a large on my own and giving 1/4 to my son. So gross how much we "used to" eat. Ugh It is amazing how hard it is to me to change my bad food habits. Just going to the grocery store twice a week now instead of once because I am buying fresh produce instead of processed junk is hard for me. I guess as I keep going that stuff will get easier.
Now that you said that about your triggers and his, that is exactly what happened. Maybe what I should do is plan one of HIS favorite meals that doesn't bother me, and eat my WW food, so that he gets something he really wants and leaves me alone. lol
I think the thought of me losing weight is threatening to him. Why else would he sabotage me? I am one of those girls that get told they have a "pretty face" and if I get thin maybe he thinks other men might be interested again, if that makes sense? lol Especially with him not being home most of the time now. Not that he doesn't trust me, I know he does. Just like I trust him when he's gone even though it makes me nervous with all the hookers that hang around truck stops. So maybe that's the way he feels too..You never know with guys since they won't tell you how they feel about stuff LOL
Trying to get anyone fully on-board is rarely entirely successful - especially when the other person also has weight and food issues. Often it's a no-win situation anyway.
I know if hubby didn't comment on my bad choices I used to interpret it as enabling behavior and "not being supportive." If he did comment on the wisdom of my choices, no matter how gently he tried to phrase it, he also wasn't being supportive (he was being controlling). If he wanted to eat anything that I didn't want to eat, he wasn't being supportive.
I had to realize that his food issues are his food issues. I'm not responsible for them. I can't "fix" them, and I don't have to be affected by them. If I decide to eat out of frustration in response to his behavior or lack of it, that's all on me.
For me, it helped to not see it as sabotage. When I saw it as sabotage (intentional or not) it gave me permission to feel that it wasn't entirely my choice. He was at least partially to blame for my choice. Now that I remind myself that his issues do not have to become my issues, and that my choices are always my responsibility I do much better.
One of the things that helped us tremendously was reminding ourselves and each other that we are entirely responsible for our own food choices. We do occasionally make dinner for each other, and we may ask each other for input, but most meals are "fend-for-yourself." If my hubby would have rolled his eyes at me in the pizza incident you describe - I would have reminded him that if he wanted something specific it was his responsibility to make that choice. We often do remind each other "if you want something else, you're responsible for it."
Our trigger foods aren't the same. Our dieting styles aren't the same, and it can be difficujlt to fully appreciate the other's food choices. It's hard to be supportive of someone else, because it's hard to remember their needs while trying to get your own met. Some of my trigger foods are my hubby's sanity-savers, and the reverse is true as well. Finding ways to help each other has been a struggle.
Our solution was to stop trying so hard to do it. If we want a specific kind of help we ask, and we negotiate if necessary (and we remind if we agree but don't follow through). I had to remind hubby multiple times before he realized I was serious about him putting candy out of my sight and reach. I know there are mini chocolate bars in the soup pot on the top shelf of the pantry (most of the time, I can resist chocolate but during TOM I can't stop eating the evil stuff). I know that if I wanted to, I could get a step-ladder and get them down, but even hormone-crazed I'm not that desperate. I've asked hubby for one piece (and reminding him that one piece meant one piece not two or three). A couple times when he wasn't home, I've gotten the stepladder out, but I've never made it to actually pulling down the pot. Because it takes several steps to get the chocolate, it has to be a conscious decision rather than a mindless one.
For me, that's been my life saver - making formerly mindless choices conscious ones. Anything I can do to slow the choice process has helped tremendously.
Cyn - I hope so. It is so easy for him to lose weight when he wants too. We did Atkins a while back and I lost 15 pounds and he had made it to goal already. I was struggling every hour of the day and he acted like it was easy breezy. grr lol
Susan - Yes that is what I should have done. I have a problem with sugar and wheat..when I eat those foods I tend to binge so I was trying not to have cookies/pizza, etc. I know I CAN have them on WW and I think I maybe SHOULD have them with my extra points and try to train myself to just have a serving instead of binging. It is so hard, I lose control SO easy. I did eat because I was angry. I am a big time emotional eater.
beerab - Yeah he eats junk all week on the road for sure. Good idea about making pizzas. He would definitely go for that and my son would get a kick out of that too. Like your husband, mine shouldn't be eating that junk either. Diabetes runs in his family for one thing AND he is 10 years older than me (I'm 26). Good idea to make gradual changes. So funny that your hubby was craving a salad! LOL!
kaplods - Thank you so much for posting, that was very very helpful. "Out of sight out of mind" is a big one for me too. I have been trying to eat healthier for a while now but hadn't actually been on a serious plan until last week. We already have it set up so that DH buys his own food for on the road and he has his own little cupboard that I never have to open for anything so even though I know his chips and junk food are in there I tend to forget about them since I'm not seeing them.
I am glad I posted this. Just talking it through is helping me see that it should be easier than I thought. Since we've already set it up so he's responsible for what he eats during the week, we should be setting it up that way on the weekends too like you said.
It does make it so much easier when I am responsible for me and he is responsible for him. Then I can focus on what I need instead of thinking about all the yummy junk he gets to eat LOL
I endorse everything kaplods said. My husband and I are on separate, but side-by-side, journeys with our health and weight and food. It is not my job to police what he eats nor to provide for his food needs, and vice versa. Sometimes he does things with food that frustrate me, but we have been working for a while on communicating about these things; and it's not "sabotage" on his part, rather, he just fundamentally doesn't grok some of my issues. That's OK, because I am capable of explaining and re-explaining to him as necessary, and I am capable of saying a firm but polite "No, thank you" when it is needed.
I do act as the food and exercise advisor/consultant to my husband, but I recognize that I cannot make him change anything--nor do I want to even try. (Because forcing him to change would then make it also my responsibility to police what he does, and I simply do not have the time or energy for that job. He's not my child.) Recently when he was not making progress with his exercise routine, I suggested that he should look at his protein intake and perhaps increase it--he did try out my suggestion and found that it really helped. But I wasn't going to make him try it.
Getting some emotional separation over this issue is pretty necessary for happy co-existence around food / weight / health.
I am in the same situation, my husband is a trucker, we are both obese and both are working on losing weight, which is strict on my part and haphazard on his part. I do live in the truck with him, so I am still the meal prep person.
While my husband is supportive of me and my diet, it hasn't been easy when I am also having to watch him eat the foods I am avoiding. We live in a small space, I cannot avoid it. There were times I wanted to cry from the frustration of being hungry and he comes back with burgers and fries as a "snack". We have never been each other's food cop, and never will. Each to his own, I always say, but I have wished him to be on board with me, thinking it would make it easier for me. But it didn't.
Thinking that eating the same way or feeling the same way about food doesn't really work as well as one would think. Sure we do fine in regukar eating, we do enjoy the same foods. But I have to eat a heck of a lot less to lose weight. Since my husband declared that he is dieting too, I have had to deal with his falling off, his hunger complaints when on, his lectures on nutrition, to the point I have wanted to bop him one on the noggin. I have lost 61 pounds and he thinks he knows more than I do on what to eat when he hasn't lost a pound. He constantly cheats, he eats too much even when dieting and refuses to get on the scale. It's not like we are sharing the diet road by any means.
I am learning that dieting is a personal thing. To involve others is futile. No one really wants to change their eating habits or worry about what to serve you for long. I got tired of listening to my mother get all worked up with "oh, you can't have this or that!" or "what can I make for you" as though I ate alien food from the rest of the family. I got tired of my husband wanting to diet but can't stop his eating pork rinds and chocolate right after I fix a perfectly good dinner. We can help and encourage each other, but the reality is, we are individually responsible to doing the work of it.
Nobody but me puts food in my mouth. It is a constant choice, moment by moment to eat or not to eat and it's all within my power. Even when others cook the food, when others eat in front of me and when the available food is pure junk. I chose to get to a normal weight and nothing, not anyone will sidetrack me from my goal. I wish my husband was going through this with me, but in the end, it is only me that can do it.
There was a time where I was upset at SO not supporting my on my diet, until one day while I was eating something on the line between should and shouldn't and he looked over at me and said "are you suuuuuure you need to be eating that?!". Um, needless to say- he's now encouraged to stfu and keep his opinions to himself! LOL
You just have to be strong, stick to your plan and he will come around. Be sure you tell him HOW you want him to talk to you, don't just leave it up to him. I'd hate for him to say something wrong, hurt your feelings and end up hurting more that helping!
No one will lose the weight until they are ready, so it's not up to you to get him on board. It does sound like you need to have a talk and explain that, frankly, it is your time and he needs to support you because you can't let him bring you down.
My husband needs to lose weight as well, and really wants to, but lacks the motivation. I think he'll come around, but even though he's not fully committed, he's very supportive of me most of the time.
How can I get my husband on board?
