How do you move beyond your past to begin stop being so afraid?
Hey everyone!
I'm new to forum and am so ready to get serious and begin to, consistently, lose the 200lbs that I need to.
I'd love to get everyone's input on a few things that are going through my mind right now.
Changing your relationship with food:
All my life, my relationship with food has gone from one extreme to another. When I was younger, I was left alone a lot and would eat to comfort myself. When I was a teenager, I tried to avoid being at home as much as possible. I'd stay at my friend's homes and would go days without eating because I couldn't just help myself to their food.
When I was in my late teens/early twenties, I barely had any money. Again, I would go without food and then binge when I could afford food.
Over the last ten years, there has been enough money for food. The thing is, I find myself recreating sacristy by going for hours upon hours without eating. Then when I do, I binge. Oddly enough, my binges have gotten more extreme. Yesterday this what I ate:
-1 six-inch grilled chicken sub from Subway
-2 taco supremes, 1 nacho supreme from Taco Bell
-1 Big Mac, I Quarter Pounder, 2 small McFlurrys from McDonald's
Granted, I don't eat like that every day, but that binge was so extreme that it scared me more than I ever have been before.
It's like, the more I want to lose weight, the more I feel like I have to deprive myself. The more I deprive myself, the more I eat because I end up being so hungry.
The best diet experience I had was doing the "Six Week Body Makeover" because I was eating small amounts of food every two and a half hours. The thing is, I would start the program and be into doing all the cooking required, but then after awhile I'd get so tired of all the food preparation.
How have you guys began to find a way to eat that works for you in the present without being haunted by your past experiences with food?
Shame:
I lead a really isolated life. I spend all my time alone, mostly working at my computer. Because of this, I don't often have to deal with things like people staring at me or making comments or not being able to fit in a chair or other things people our size might have to endure.
However, I have a best friend/business partner who lives in a different city. We get together a few times a year. He's 6'5 and incredibly thin. When I flew down to see him, I had to deal with being too big for the seat on the plane. His car's seatbelt was extremely tight around me. Walking for hours at a time was effortless for him, but I felt like I was going to die...and I was covered in sweat.
After every time we get together I vow to lose a ton of weight so that, the next he sees me, he will blown away by the change. Oddly enough, I actually end up gaining weight. I am now 40lbs heavier than the very first time we met (two years ago).
So, here I am, 37 days away from going to see him. This time, he wants to introduce me to his family. He's wanted to do so before, but I always said, "Next time," because I am so ashamed. I feel as though I will reflect badly on him because I am so big.
In the next month, I would love to lose some weight, but more importantly, change the energy and perspective I have about myself. Right now, all what I can think of is yesterday's binge and being afraid I won't be able to get through tomorrow without having another.
I really do believe I am choosing to have this weight experience because something incredible is supposed to come of it. But right now, I feel like I can't get control and can't seem to get any of this right.
The isolation, the embarrassment, the vows that this time is going to be THE time, the upcoming event that spurs us into action only to have our efforts end just as abruptly followed by the shame of having given up, and the binging or overeating that convinces us we'll never be able to get the weight off - it's all stuff that most of us have experienced unfortunately.
I just want to tell you that there is hope and you do have the power to change your life if you commit to it fully. I am 38 and I finally got my act together last year and decided enough is enough, I refuse to live as a slave to my binging in a self-constructed prison of fat anymore. Deciding to give up the binging that was such a huge part of my life was scary, but at the same time enormously freeing (and I ate a lot more in one day at times that what you listed!). Giving up fast food (my primary binge fodder) was a big part of letting go of the habits that were so harmful to me physically and emotionally.
If you do this, make sure you are doing it for YOU and you alone. Not because you have a trip scheduled or are afraid to see someone you haven't seen in a while. Those types of motivations are fleeting at best and you quickly forget them when the urge to binge comes on. But if you commit 100% to taking care of yourself because you believe you are worth taking care of, it's harder to push that out of your mind.
Anyway, 3FC is a great place to get all sorts of support for this journey. I'm glad you found us!
Edit to add: To answer your question about how you move beyond your past? You just decide. Every moment you are alive is another chance to make changes for the better in your life. So just start. And eventually it becomes much easier to believe in yourself rather than dwell on past regrets.
You're in a cycle, as you've probably realized, and the only way to end the cycle is to break free from it. You've isolated yourself because of you're ashamed of your weight, which causes the bad feelings, which brings on the binges, which brings on the weight and shame, etc. I was totally in that cycle for most of cycle, and although I never had extreme weight problems, I still felt incredibly ashamed. It's not the weight that makes someone ashamed, it's the behavior and the self value. I'm not perfect, I'm not as "normal" as could be, but I started to force myself to get out, to try new things, to meet people. I still struggle with binging, but not nearly as bad as I used to. I'd always say, "As soon as I stop binging, I'll meet people. As soon as I lose weight, I'll talk to boys. etc etc" No no, that all has to start NOW. You build up confidence, you start learning that you're a valuable person and you've got a lot to offer, you learn that you deserve so much better for yourself. And then, after a little while, binging just doesn't seem as tempting.
I think it's great you're on here. You'll meet some really great, supportive people, and you'll learn that you're not alone. Everyone wants each other to succeed! I believe you can do this, I know it won't be easy but you really can break all those years of destructive thoughts and bad habits. It may never fully go away, but you can learn how to control it.
And as for meeting this guy's family, I think you should meet his family no matter what your size. This summer, I tried to lose weight for a trip. I lost about 15-20lbs, and didn't get to the size I wanted to get to. I still had a great time! But I ended up gaining all the weight back and more. Now I'm losing the weight for myself. It's coming off slowly because I'm not crash dieting, I'm just trying to eat for the body I want - a nice, healthy, happy one. =)
I know exactly how you feel. This is a great place to start your journey. I know that this is a really tough thing to to, but anyone who says its easy is lying (IMO). I understand the feeling of filling voids with food, but I am still learning that the validation of who you are has to come from within. I know how great it feels to get compliments from other people, for them to tell you how special you are, but you have to know and believe that you are special. I am seeing a therapist to help me through alot of the things in my past. I'm not saying that it's for everybody, but it has helped me alot. Find things that bring you happiness, and do those things as if you can't live without doing them. Going for walks is a great form of exercise, especially when you are just starting out. I know that it's hard when you have so much to lose, but it does get easier. You will find that getting more fit will help you to feel empowered, and doing so will help you to not want to binge. Find a way, anyway to stop the cycle, and change your life for the better. I also understand the excitement of wanting to lose weight for a trip. Start there if it helps you, but don't stop there. Once you have reached a goal for a trip, find other things that will inspire you to keep going.
I started out setting 10 pound goals, and treating myself to a non-food item AFTER reaching that goal (this works for me, so I am still doing it). Buying a new outfit, getting a new haircut, getting a manicure or pedicure, anything to get you where you WANT to be. Set a goal to go on a trip AFTER you get to your goal. Make plans with your friend to go somewhere after you get to your goal. Set up a road trip or something, anything to do what you need to do. I also found that knowing my stats (BP, Heart Rate, % body fat, all those numbers) helped to get me in gear to start doing what you need to do.
Don't try to change everything in one step. Start by not going out for fast food. Change one habit at a time, and soon you will find that you have completely changed your lifestyle. Don't think about this as a "diet" but more of a lifestyle change. Know that you can't go back to eating the way you have been after you get to goal. Just start couting your calories. You can find a website to calculate your calorie needs, and start tracking your calories.
You can do this, and we can all tell you that as many times as you need us to, but you have to tell yourself that too. When I was in high school (which was only 2 years ago btw). I hated how teachers and councelors would talk about self affirmations, but now I think that they are very important. Look in the mirror ( which may seems like a scary thing to do) and tell yourself any positive thing you can think of. Focus on the positives! Make a list of goals. I have my list of weight loss goals next to my bed. Post that list on this forum. It's a huge deal to reach those goals, even if they are small goals, they are a step in the right direction. You go girl. Focus, breathe, if you get overwhelmed, step back, its ok, just don't give up.
You can't beat yourself up for an off plan day. Learn from those days when this gets really difficult. It's like when you were a kid, learning to ride a bike, or reading or anything. You had to fall, you had to struggle. This is the same way (again IMO). You will struggle, you will have hard times, but you can't walk away from this. Don't throw in the towel, just don't do that.
I'm sorry if I seem at all harsh. Just know that all of us here will help you. Just keep posting, and don't be afraid to ask for help, because asking for help is a big part of this.
Hey Wendy,
I saw your post earlier but to be honest I had to take some time to gather my thoughts together before I could respond. The truth is fear has power only because we allow it to have power. I think sometimes we are so afraid of what we don't know, that we'd rather embrace pain and heartache because at least that is familiar to us and familiarity breeds comfort.
Yes, we have each allowed food to become a replacement for emotions we'd rather not deal with, shame, disappointment, regret, loneliness, pain. Losing weight is as much as about our emotions as it is about exercise and eating right. Until you understand and accept the reasons why you do what you do, you can't begin to change them. I chose to be heavy because it provided me with security and until I understood that I was unable to allow myself to change my life.
Now once I did that, I made a choice to change. Change the way I viewed food, change the way I viewed life, and change the way I viewed myself.
I see so many women on this website that talk about the value they'll have once they lose weight, that's a cop-out. You have value now, maybe you're not where you want to be, but that doesn't mean you have no value as a woman, as a person. You have to embrace who you are so you can plan and execute where you're going.
You're embarrassed of yourself because of how you look, why? I saw your picture, you're adorable. Beautiful dark eyes that reflect a deep, complex interesting soul. A smile of sweetness and compassion. Why wouldn't he want to show you of to his family? You're amazing and he's proud of that, you should be too.
I'm a big lady, that's true, but I have the power to change that and I am and it's wonderful. I look at it differently, I'd rather have this issue to deal with than have a cold, cruel heart. You can't change that by exercising and eating right.
Thank, everyone, for all your responses. I really, really appreciate the time you took to give me your insight and wisdom.
CLCSC145: Thank you for the inspiration. Your words were exactly what I needed to experience. I needed to know someone who could relate to what I am going through had the strength to change her life and it a testament that change is possible. Reading your post offered me relief. Thank you, so much.
Lizzie2010: Thank you for such a lovely post. I am scared to death of meeting my friend's family. But what I got from your post is that it's not about the weight, it's about loving yourself enough to know you are worthy of having someone enjoy your company. From what you wrote, it seems like you have begun to love yourself. I really admire you for make the choice to do that.
possiblesuccess: Your post wasn't harsh at all! I am so grateful to you for giving me ideas of many things I can do to begin taking action rather than dwelling on how bad I feel. Your words remind me to stay in a state of self-appreciation as much as possible. And I like the 10lbs at a time goal. Thank you for the practical advice and for your wisdom.
sweetcakes736 : Your post took my breathe away! Thank, so much, for such kindness and such inspiring words. Your said: I'd rather have this issue to deal with than have a cold, cruel heart. You can't change that by exercising and eating right. OMG! You have no idea how much that resonated with me. The lightbulb went off in my head! It's not about losing pounds. It's about deciding who I want to be and how I do want to expressive compassion, love, and empathy to myself and others. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
You guys! It is going to be awesome to get to know all of you!
I am at the start of my journey also, so we can do this together
Much like everyone here, I LOVE food. I never really ate fast food, but I have a sugar tooth you would not believe. I also consider myself (as do others) a foodie, and someone who should have probably been a chef and not a paper pusher like I am.
The breaking point(s) for me came on December 18 when 1) - and probably TMI- I had a horrid experience and the OBGYN where she informed me she couldn't get to my ovaries externally or internally to feel them because I was so big and 2) two weeks later my pre-diabetes scare turned into actual diabetes because apparently the standards changed and put me over the edge.
I knew that I had no intention of giving up my love for food, however, I thought that if I could shift my focus on what I ate, I could do this. I started out just counting calories, removed refined sugar from my diet, and the hardest one still, processed white flour products of all kinds. This one is super hard (especially when , like yesterday, people bring in platters of croissants and muffins. I swear to Zeus's trident I could smell them yeast from 20 feet away all day long).
Learning to count calories is hard at first, but it's already becoming second nature, and having free programs online like FitDay, which is what I use, to keep track is so great. I also began to realize that since I still love to eat tons of food, I could have 10 X the amount veggies than I could of meat and wheat. So now, my plan is embracing the "real" food movement, and i am having less than 3 oz of meat a day. I don't feel deprived at ALL, and I still get to think about food constantly, and i am having so much fun making up recipes and sharing left overs with my office mates and blogging the recipes too.
So, I think that I have had a paradigm shift in the way that I look at food without giving up my love for it, or the fun I have in eating it. I eat LOADS of food, and somehow manage to stay right about 1400 calories a day - of course, I also love to cook and create so that is a huge help.
Hang in there, Wendy!! We have all been where you are at some point. It takes making that decision and then sticking to that decision every minute of the day.
I, too, finally made the decision to change my life. I am having gastric bypass surgery three weeks from today.
You need to decide how you are going to progress and make it happen. Only you can decide what will work for you.
I can understand and relate to a degree. Thank you for the post in my thread. I wanted to pop over here in case you didn't subscribe when you replied and because you are still too new for PM's on the board I think...
Just a heads up that I am geographically very close to you, and am more than willing to be an ear to bend if I can help in any way.
Big hugs,
Shelley
P.S. I will even offer to go with you if you want/need moral support and want to make a trip for that Physical you've been avoiding.
How do you move beyond your past to begin stop being so afraid?
