As a Buddhist, one of the most important lessons I am to learn is that everything in life is connected, no entity of who I am is seperated from any other, believing I can compartmentalize my life has been my dillusion. To fix my weight requires addressing and fixing the other aspects of my life that are out of alignment, especially those I have chosen not to bring into the light due to fear, discomfort, or pain. Demons are only allowed to reside and grow in the darkness because we allow them to remain in the shadows. I have to bring them out into the sunshine, confront them with the truth, accept them for what they really are, and then watch them dissolve into the mist of evolution.
For me, at least, my weight has been my crutch, the reason to punish myself for my mistakes, and drown in despair and agony because after all, I do not deserve to be free of my chains. My weight literally weighs me down, surpresses my spirit, and contains me within a box I was never made to live in. The value of who I am is set by no one else but me, to understand that is power, to accept it is freedom.
I have spent the last 20 years carrying the burdens of those around me, not because I'm a saint, but because it was easier than carrying my own. I ran away because I was too afraid to face the truth. But the truth is that what was doesn't really matter anymore, I need to let go, let go of what was so I can accept what is and move on to better days. The weight has allowed me to never forget, never be free, it's a constant reminder of emptiness. Isn't it strange that the lighter we get, the fuller we feel as women, as humans, as individuals.
Today, the evil hiding in the remnants of the night was dragged onto the stage of illumination. It was beautifully frightening and painful but quite possibly the most exhilarating moment of my life. The invisible 500 pounds residing atop my shoulders is gone and the warmth beating into my skin is amazing.
We can live in the safety of the lies or step out from behind the darkness and begin to live, really live life. Live for ourselves, live for our loved ones, live because we are worth all that life has to offer.
What I learned today
