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Old 12-20-2008, 09:19 AM   #1
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So thats not exactly how it was put, but it might as well have been because thats all that keeps running through my head.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years now and we agree that eventually we will get married (not immediatly but within then next 3 years most likely) we just have to reach some goals before hand. (saving up money, getting an apartment etc) On that list is me losing weight, I don't see why this has to be a part of the list of things for "us" as a couple to achieve. He isn't the one that needs to work on it or go through it so it should be my own personal goal, nothing to do with him or our future.

Last night I asked him, what if it doesn't happen? Would he not marry me? He said he would wait until it did happen, but that he would still stay with me. Aww how sweet of him (complete sarcasm there)

I understand that he wants me to lose the weight so I will be healthy and won't have any health concerns when I am older and that we can live a long life together, which is a main reason of his. I also don't see it as being a goal that isn't going to happen, because I am working on it. But I don't see why he can say that he would put off marriage because of it. Basically to me that just means too fat to marry.


this should probably just be be a blog post and not a thread but I just needed to get it out, sorry.
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Old 12-20-2008, 09:54 AM   #2
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So he is putting conditions on marrying you. What other conditions do you have to meet, now or in the future ? I would think twice about marrying such a controlling person.
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Old 12-20-2008, 10:03 AM   #3
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I think you need to ask yourself if you want to be with someone that puts these conditions on you.
If he's concerned about your health is he willing to help with preparing and cooking healthy meals with you, exercising with you?
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Old 12-20-2008, 11:17 AM   #4
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A question...

If you could, meaning you have reached most if not all of your goals, would you want to marry now?

I ask that because this may not really be about weight. What I mean is, and this is from my own personal experience as well, some guys put off marriage as long as they can. What I'm trying to say is that he could be using the weight loss topic or issue as a way to put it off basically.

Another thought that came into my mind is he might be trying to motivate you by saying "we'll wait until it does happen." He might feel that if he says "of course I'll do this or that" you won't succeed in your weight loss journey.

I think you should open up a dialog about how you feel. I find the overall outcome negative for you and I think that can make you feel bad about yourself. He should be supportive, but in more positive way. Now you are going to feel pressure and if you don't now, you will in the future.
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Old 12-20-2008, 11:32 AM   #5
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Let's say you want to marry this man, and you lose the weight, and you marry him. What happens when you put on weight? Is he going to divorce you?

I would want to know WHY he wants you to be slim before marrying you:

* Does he have a problem with your looks? Does he not want to have pictures of him on "that special day" with "a fat girl"? If so, how come he's engaged to you?!?!

* Is he really concerned about your health? If so, how concerned is he about HIS health? Does he work out regularly? Does he eat mostly balanced, healthy meals? A LOT of people confuse health/fitness and size. Exercise and a healthy diet are better predictors of long-term health than size. If you are otherwise healthy (no known health issues) and you both eat basically the same way and lead the same lifestyle, his concern for your health and not his is bunk.

I would explore this further before making another move. Love, real love, unconditional love means loving someone WITH NO CONDITIONS. "No weight loss = no marriage" does NOT fall into the "unconditional love" definition. I say, love yourself LOTS and take care of yourself LOTS. You may find that the more you care for yourself, the less you care for him and his ultimatums!!
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Old 12-20-2008, 11:41 AM   #6
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Ok, the more I think about this, the more angry I get. Who is this guy?!? Why are you good enough to date but not good enough to marry at your current weight!?!?!!

This is what a supportive husband does:Annie's husband TOOK A SECOND JOB so that his wife could have WLS because he was concerned about her health. Other women on this board have husbands and boyfriends and partners who love, support, and encourage their women REGARDLESS of weight.

THAT is the kind of man YOU deserve. Period.
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Old 12-20-2008, 12:21 PM   #7
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I thought for a long time that I was too large/damaged for any man to want to marry. I just had to wait for the right man. He wants me to lose weight, but he didn't wait to marry me, and if I never lose another ounce, he'd still love me. That's what we all deserve, but for some reason we feel so unloveable when we are overweight that we don't think we deserve it. You deserve to be loved unconditionally.
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Old 12-20-2008, 12:33 PM   #8
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Saving up enough money and getting a place together sounds fair enough but I don't see why you should have to lose weight in order to be married to your guy.

In my personal opinion, your guy is either controlling or is embarrassed to have a "big" lady with him on his wedding day. This could be for a number of reasons. He might does not want to look bad in front of his family or friends who are shallow?

BUT you never know, he might want you to lose weight so YOU could be happy in your own skin on the day you get married. He might have meant well but said it the wrong way. Who knows?

Like most of people have already said, I would think long and hard about this. Is it really worth to lose weight for the wedding to please your boyfriend? I don't actually know his reasons but it could be for good or bad reasons, just like I explained as above.

Well, to be honest, I feel it's not my place to suggest what you'd have to do but I think it would be a good idea to have a good long talk with your BF.

I hope all goes well in the end and keep us posted, please.
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Old 12-20-2008, 02:26 PM   #9
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I'm thinking how would he react if you said that you "would be willing to marry him," only after he completed some task. That you would be willing to "wait until" he does so. Get a degree? Get a better job or a certain promotion? Make a certain amount of money?

I'm not saying he's the biggest jerk on the planet, but I do have concerns about the manipulation factor. Maybe it is as simple as mental scavenger hunt he's sending you both on to justify postponing marriage, because he's not ready "now."

My husband and I married at our highest weights, with no money saved up. We had a beautiful, but shoestring wedding. I borrowed a LOT of books from the library on having a beautiful cheap wedding, and we spent only a fraction of what most people think we did.

I am glad that we didn't wait for more money or weight loss or any of the other things friends and family were telling us we needed to have before getting married. I think for many folks, the wedding becomes more important than the marriage. I'm glad we had a nice wedding, but I'm even more happy that it was inexpensive so we didn't have to postpone the wedding because of a huge "to do" list.

If you're "ready" now, too much weight and too little money is not an obstacle to getting married, and it doesn't mean that you've got to "settle" for a justice of the peace "cheapy" wedding, either. Creativity can make up for cash.
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Old 12-20-2008, 05:48 PM   #10
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You deserve so much better than that. I can't believe he even said that you. I'm not one to tell people what to do. You have to make your own decisions but you do not deserve that because you better believe that is only the tip of the iceberg.

Let's say that you lose all the weight that he asks and you two get married. What happens if you gain weight back during the marriage? Does he get to leave? Don't set yourself up for a man that will always feel he has control over you in any way.
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Old 12-20-2008, 05:58 PM   #11
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As someone in nearly the same situation right now, I can completely relate with you. The only difference in my situation and yours, from what you said in your post, is that both my fiance and I are morbidly obese. He weighs 360 and I 340. When we got engaged, we decided that we wanted to go to Italy on 9/9/09 and get married. Just the two of us. No parents, no family, no friends. It was all about us right? The only stipulation is that we would both lose weight. We don't think it would be half as enjoyable if we went over there at our current weights. We would have to worry about the plane ride, tables and chairs at restaraunts there, well chairs anywhere there, walking tremendous distances, we wanted to ride a gondola in venice but thought we would be to fat, go horsebackriding and be too fat. If you think about it, it kind of seems like our wedding would be our gift to ourselves when we lost the weight. But the thing is, we could have had a small wedding with the ones we love, and then go to Italy for our honeymoon. The reason why we did not want this is BECAUSE we are morbidly obese. We don't want to stand in front of 50 people, having all eyes on us, when we are the way we are. I know alot of people on here say we shouldn't be ashamed of our weight, but in our case, we are. Plain and simple. We will do anything we can to get rid of it. And now, because there is a reality in sight of us losing lots of weight, and being at a reasonable weight for our wedding...we are actually thinking of having a real wedding.

So maybe at some point you have given him the impression that you don't like to be the center of attention, or you don't enjoy seeing people that you know and love at the weight you are at now. Maybe he wants you to be as happy as possible on your wedding day. For us women, how we look in that wedding dress and in pictures is BIG deal. I personally would be grateful that he wanted to wait to get married until I made myself into the person I wanted to be, at least physically. I did not think poorly of your boyfriend at all from your post, I just saw myself and my situation. I hope this helps bring another viewpoint rather than just bashing your boyfriend and telling you to rethink marrying him. I know that with my poor self esteem and ability to be manipulated these thoughts would be put into my head and even if they weren't true I would somehow convince myself not to marry him even if he was the perfect guy.

PS. I know that my weight controls my life and I shouldn't allow it, but the only way to fix it is to eliminate the issue. That is why I have changed my life and way of eating.
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Old 12-20-2008, 06:01 PM   #12
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There are lots of men that love shapely women--even big women. I think I would be tempted to find someone that loved me for me and without conditions. I know lots and lots of successful overweight women married to successful men. They have happy marriages and families. Saving money for you own place is fair enough. I am not quite understanding the correlation of a weightloss requirement. If it's health he is concerned about, perhaps taking steps to become healthier together would be a more appropriate goal.

ETA: I would like to say that I have much respect for what TCSMART has just posted.
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Old 12-20-2008, 06:01 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by teahoney View Post
Let's say that you lose all the weight that he asks and you two get married. What happens if you gain weight back during the marriage? Does he get to leave? Don't set yourself up for a man that will always feel he has control over you in any way.
They have been dating for 4 years...if he didn't want to be with her because of her weight...wouldn't he have gotten out of the relationship by now? The fact that he wants to marry her and has remained with her despite of her weight, leads me to believe that he is in for the long haul, for better or for worse. I think it goes deeper than just not wanting to marry a fat girl. By the sounds of it, I don't think he is being entirely selfish. Just my 2 cents.
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Old 12-20-2008, 06:31 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by tcsmart1985 View Post
They have been dating for 4 years...if he didn't want to be with her because of her weight...wouldn't he have gotten out of the relationship by now?
That might depend on the nature of the current relationship. If they are sleeping together, that may be enough to keep him hanging around, but not enough to commit to a permanent life together.

I don't know what your situation is, your intimacy level, but I agree with asking the question...what happens if I lose the weight, we marry, then I gain it back? Will you want to divorce me?

How much do you do together in public right now? Does he seem to be proud to be with you now?

If you are intimate with each other, and he has conditions on marriage (like wanting a slimmer wife), then maybe it's time for you to put some conditions on your intimacy (like no more sex until you are married) which could put a whole new spin on this relationship. You will find out very quickly if he is with you because he loves you...because if he really loves you, he'll be willing to wait for sex till you are married, just like he wants you to wait for marriage till you have lost some weight.
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Old 12-20-2008, 06:40 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by recidivist View Post
That might depend on the nature of the current relationship. If they are sleeping together, that may be enough to keep him hanging around, but not enough to commit to a permanent life together.

I don't know what your situation is, your intimacy level, but I agree with asking the question...what happens if I lose the weight, we marry, then I gain it back? Will you want to divorce me?

How much do you do together in public right now? Does he seem to be proud to be with you now?

If you are intimate with each other, and he has conditions on marriage (like wanting a slimmer wife), then maybe it's time for you to put some conditions on your intimacy (like no more sex until you are married) which could put a whole new spin on this relationship. You will find out very quickly if he is with you because he loves you...because if he really loves you, he'll be willing to wait for sex till you are married, just like he wants you to wait for marriage till you have lost some weight.
Exactly. Every day people stay in relationships for a whole lot of reasons and it does not always have to do anything with love. I sincerely hope that he is truly looking out for HER best interests. Maybe he thinks saying that will motivate her. Because of course, since he is a man, he does not realize that him saying that only makes it worse. But at the same time she needs to sit down and ask the hard questions to see where his head really is and not just assume anything.
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