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Old 12-20-2008, 07:09 PM   #16
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I have never responded well to weight loss bribes or ultimatums, and I don't know anyone who has. Everyone I know who lost weight for a wedding (their own or someone else's) gained it back shortly afterward.

I've had a lifetime of those bribes and ultimatums myself, and I hate them with a passion - on principle and because I think they're mostly ineffective.

My first diet at age 5, was such a bribe - two pet turtles for losing the 8 lbs I needed to to get under a certain percentile on a height weight chart (I remember the chart, and that my weight made me a "freak"). I had lost half of it, when I learned that I couldn't get one turtle - I had to weight until the full 8 lbs to get both (my first lesson that losing "some" weight doesn't count - only losing "all" of it does). Shortly afterward, but still before reaching my goal, small turtles were outlawed as pets in Illinois because of the concern over salmonella. The turtles disappeared from the classroom, and so did my reward, and I went off my diet. I don't remember what my parents offered me as a replacement bribe, and I think a puppy might have worked, but I'm not sure anything short of a puppy or possibly even a pony would have been enough. I do remember that I didn't tell my parents that I wasn't going to diet anymore, I just decided it. So I think this is also around the time I learned to sneak food, eat at night and in private, hide food evidence, and lie abut what I'd eaten.

Are the folks issuing ultimatums, well-intentioned? Often, yes but that doesn't make them any more effective. At five I was too young to know that, and certainly too young to tell my parents that. Although at around 12, I knew it enough to tell my father after promising me $100 dollars to lose the weight ("all" the weight again) that it was a sucky promise - because if I couldn't lose the weight to keep me from being a target for bullies - money wasn't going to work. Not when I would have gladly given all of the money I had in the world to lose weight (several hundredd dollars that I had earned in paper route money,- I was very proud of that savings account).

I think you both need to talk about what your goals are for the wedding AND for the marriage. What you want to change about yourself and the other person and why. If you think that he will care for you more if you're slim, or appreciate you more - I wouldn't count on it. I'm not saying he might not, but what if he does not. What does HE have to do, to prove his love for you?
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Old 12-21-2008, 08:14 AM   #17
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Hmm, I hate to say this, but this is not a man I would want to marry! He seems to be too concerned with your weight. This should not be his goal at all, it should be yours. I would want someone who would say "I love you no matter what, and if you want to lose weight, then you lose it for yourself, not for me" I hate to say this, but I was married for 21 years (we are getting divorced, cheating husband, nothing to do with weight), but marriage is not easy, and I can see him being the kind of husband that will bug you about what you are eating, losing weight etc. I'm so sorry he feels this way, but you need to ask yourself if you want a marriage like that. What if you said something like that to him, like "I will marry you when you have a six pack, and are sexy looking" See what he would say to that.

You are not too fat to marry, but I think if he thinks you are, then you are marrying the wrong guy. I'm sorry if you didn't want to hear this, but I really feel for you, and want you to be a happy wife!!!

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Old 12-21-2008, 07:36 PM   #18
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I had posted this in another forum and after their responses, I talked with my boyfriend and felt better about the situation. It seemed that he had just used "guy lingo" as another user had put it and didn't mean it the way I took it. But after reading all these posts, I feel like I should bring it back up with him and ask the question that many of you referenced to, what will happen if I lose it and then gain it back?

He isn't shallow or anything like that and I don't believe he meant it to hurt as much as it did and I do know that he loves me and wants me to be healthy.

But I think you are all right and I should ask that question. I'm going to call him now..



Update:
I talked to him and he gave his reasons for saying what he said and explained himself and how he was trying to use it as a motivational technique and that its not actually in the same category as saving money or getting a place together. I told him that I don't want any hidden motivational techniques used on me or anything because they will just backfire since it doesn't come across the right way.

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Old 12-22-2008, 08:47 AM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ShootingStar123 View Post
Update:
I talked to him and he gave his reasons for saying what he said and explained himself and how he was trying to use it as a motivational technique and that its not actually in the same category as saving money or getting a place together. I told him that I don't want any hidden motivational techniques used on me or anything because they will just backfire since it doesn't come across the right way.
It is good that you two talked. I had a feeling it might be a motivational thing. I say that because my guy has tried to motivate me in similar ways, but as I told him it can really hurt and make me feel bad when he does try to motivate me in a negative way.

There are loads of ways to motivate and I think in his guy mind he was looking at what another poster said was making that special day "special," but at the end of the day it is about the both of you and it doesn't matter what your weight is. If you two want to be together and want to get married then you will.
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Old 12-22-2008, 01:03 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ShootingStar123 View Post
Update:
I talked to him and he gave his reasons for saying what he said and explained himself and how he was trying to use it as a motivational technique and that its not actually in the same category as saving money or getting a place together. I told him that I don't want any hidden motivational techniques used on me or anything because they will just backfire since it doesn't come across the right way.
I didn't respond when you first posted and wish I had. I think that by talking you two have made the right first step. He needs to understand that motivation is one thing, blackmail is another. Motivation is fixing healthy meals, going for a walk with you, making plans to work out or bike. "I won't leave you if you never lose weight, but I won't marry you until you do" is blackmail. It's not only wrong, it can only backfire.

My advice? If you two want to be married, then set a date girl! It may be a year or two from now, but then you have a GOAL - and you'll work to be ready by that goal! You'll keep an eye on your spending and saving to have the money in the bank you want. You'll look for affordable housing you can move into together! (And, I suspect, you'd be keeping your eye on that date as a "wedding dress" deadline.) Right now, you have a list to complete, but no end in sight.

It's like this. I have a list of household items that need done: painting the house, putting down flooring, remodeling the bathroom, repainting the den, etc. This list has about 20 items on it. We've had it for six YEARS. The freak'n paper is turning yellow with age! We've done maybe two of the things on the list. The reason? The house is livable, just not how we want it, so we live and enjoy our lives and let things slide. If, however, we were planning to put the house on the market in six months and they needed to be done by then...we'd work on them!

I'm glad that you and he are able to talk about these things. I hope my impression that you want to lose for YOU, and not for HIM, and that he wants to help because he wants you happy and healthy, is the right one.

Now set that date~!
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Old 12-22-2008, 02:40 PM   #21
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Quote:
He needs to understand that motivation is one thing, blackmail is another. Motivation is fixing healthy meals, going for a walk with you, making plans to work out or bike. "I won't leave you if you never lose weight, but I won't marry you until you do" is blackmail. It's not only wrong, it can only backfire.
Very well said.

Maybe it would help if he read this thread.
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Old 12-28-2008, 06:13 AM   #22
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As a slightly off-topic interjection..

The only love that ought to be unconditional comes from parents, not within marriage...a spouse won't love you whatever. What if you cheat on them or do something terrible to a member of their family?

But yes, a husband or wife shouldn't withdraw love on grounds of weight.
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Old 12-28-2008, 06:48 AM   #23
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Let me just tell you of a person who had the same ultimatum....She lost the weight....she married the man.....she went through 12 years of an abusive, controlling relationship.....If she put on 5 pounds he would threaten to leave her, she was a bundle of nerves.

Tina never had any peace in her life, she kept her weight down,,,,and just how did it end??? Well she woke up one morning and figured out life was to short to live this way...and left him....that was 6 years ago. And yes at first she put on some weight, then took it off for HER, and has maintained for the last 4 years and is happy and engaged to a really nice guy now!!!

All I'm saying is be sure of the motive, and the guy!!! You don't have to settle for anyone...There are to many fish in the sea so to speak...

Love yourself enough to lose if that is what you want, not for anyone or anything else!!!
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Old 12-28-2008, 07:16 AM   #24
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Alright, I didn't backread this thread, so I hope this hasn't been said.

My husband weighs 390. At this weight, he is morbidly obese and I would be surprised if he didn't die of a heart attack by the time he's 50. I really, really wish that I had made weight loss a stipulation of us getting married, but I figured that he'd love me enough to want to take care of himself, and so lose the weight after we married.

This was a mistake. I love him dearly, and if his weight were not a health threat I wouldn't be bothered by it at all. I think he's very sexy the weight he's at now. He said he'd exercise if he had a gym membership... so we had the membership for 12 months and he went a grand total of maybe 10 times... mostly in the first 2 months. He always has some excuse about why he can't do it right now. I've accepted by now that he's not gonna lose the weight, so I need to get used to the idea that I'm gonna be alone in 20 years, because nothing I've said has made him want to get going about losing the weight.

So I don't think that your fiance is being controlling or whatever by requiring you to lose the weight BEFORE you marry. Why should he marry someone who doesn't care enough about him, to put herself in a position where she may very well die and leave him alone? It has nothing to do with loving you... it has to do with loving himself enough to not do that to himself.

How would you feel if your vice were, say, alcoholism, and he said that you had to go sober before he would marry you? The difference really is that alcoholism will kill you faster, and isn't as visible as being obese, but both WILL end your life prematurely. I don't think anyone would give flak to a guy who refused to marry his alcoholic girlfriend until she went sober.

I know some people might strongly disagree with my perspective... obviously, weight loss is a tough issue for a lot of people (it sure is to me!) but I'm just putting in my 2 cents about where your fiance may be coming from. I don't think it's an insult to you at all. He's just trying to protect himself. Sure, you may just regain the weight after getting married, but at least now you KNOW you can do it, plus you're starting your marriage out healthier so it would be easier to stay healthy.

Of course, if he just wants you to lose weight cause he likes skinny girls, then screw him!
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Old 12-28-2008, 12:32 PM   #25
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I agree with tcsmart1985. When I was with my ex boyfriend he wanted to get married but no way in **** was I gonna get married while being almost a size 30 dress. No way!!! I kept telling him give me a year and let me lose some weight and then do it. We broke up before then but he couldn't understand that I wanted to look good in my dress. I can't even look at pictures of me NOW and I have lost a good amount of weight. It would be impossible for me to truly be happy and smiling in my wedding pictures knowing I was very sad and depressed about my weight. I think he wants it more so for you to be happy. I plan on looking positively smashing in my dress and that means no size 30 or even size 20 something dress. I wouldn't say he was a jerk or a bad person but it would be good to ask him that if you regained the weight that you lost (just saying) what would he do. You should know before you proceed with anything except the weight loss.
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Old 12-29-2008, 10:31 AM   #26
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Originally Posted by Athendta View Post
My husband weighs 390. At this weight, he is morbidly obese and I would be surprised if he didn't die of a heart attack by the time he's 50. I really, really wish that I had made weight loss a stipulation of us getting married, but I figured that he'd love me enough to want to take care of himself, and so lose the weight after we married.

This was a mistake. I love him dearly, and if his weight were not a health threat I wouldn't be bothered by it at all. I think he's very sexy the weight he's at now. He said he'd exercise if he had a gym membership... so we had the membership for 12 months and he went a grand total of maybe 10 times... mostly in the first 2 months. He always has some excuse about why he can't do it right now. I've accepted by now that he's not gonna lose the weight, so I need to get used to the idea that I'm gonna be alone in 20 years, because nothing I've said has made him want to get going about losing the weight.

How would you feel if your vice were, say, alcoholism, and he said that you had to go sober before he would marry you? The difference really is that alcoholism will kill you faster, and isn't as visible as being obese, but both WILL end your life prematurely. I don't think anyone would give flak to a guy who refused to marry his alcoholic girlfriend until she went sober.

I know some people might strongly disagree with my perspective... obviously, weight loss is a tough issue for a lot of people (it sure is to me!) but I'm just putting in my 2 cents about where your fiance may be coming from. I don't think it's an insult to you at all. He's just trying to protect himself. Sure, you may just regain the weight after getting married, but at least now you KNOW you can do it, plus you're starting your marriage out healthier so it would be easier to stay healthy.
Snipped your post for length.

Perhaps I should stop and take a deep breath, but, whatever, here I go.

I'm frankly horrified anyone would consider obesity on a par with alcoholism. Having BEEN married to an alcoholic, other than the fact that there are health problems associated with them, I assure you, alcoholism and obesity are NOTHING alike.

Being fat won't make you lose your license and lose your job. A fat person won't spend your entire budget and then run up the credit cards buying rounds of appetizers for his friends. He won't stay out all night on a food-bender, or embarrass his spouse in public by puking up his big meal in the bushes. You don't go to jail for eating and driving. You don't come home late and pass out on the floor after spending hours in a restaurant. You don't sit on the couch eating burgers and watching the game instead of watching the baby or going to look for work. Fat people may not be jolly, but eating a whole pie won't make them lose their temper and be abusive to their spouse. I've seen plenty of mean drunks - not one mean eater.

You say it was a mistake not to make losing weight a stipulation to you marrying your husband. I find that very sad. You cannot change a person or expect them to change for you. His not losing weight has NOTHING to do with not "loving you enough to take care of himself." It isn't about you. I see you have 30 lbs to lose. Were you ever morbidly obese yourself? If so, you might understand better how daunting losing that vast amount of weight really is. You have to do it for yourself, not for any other person or any other reason than you want to do it to make your own life better.

You can't marry a person who is a jerk and expect them to become nice if they love you enough. You can't marry a drunk and expect them to become sober if they love you enough. You can't marry a fat man and expect him to become thinner if he loves you enough. The person you marry is the person you will be married to. They may modify their behavior over time, they may compromise with you on things, they may even change - if THEY want to for their own reasons. But they will never change for you.

And in case you are wondering, I married the alcoholic too fast, without a real grasp of the situation. But after two years of ****, I was incredibly hurt, but relieved when he decided to find a woman who wouldn't try to get him to stop drinking and start working. My current husband and I have been married nearly nine years. It took a lot of convincing on his part to get me to take a chance, in part, because I was terrified of how much I loved him and didn't want to be hurt again, including fear that he'd die one day and I'd be alone. But if he were hit by a bus tomorrow, being alone for the rest of my life would be worth it for the precious time we've had so far.
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Old 12-29-2008, 09:51 PM   #27
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I married the guy who loved me just the way I was, and thinks I'm wonderful and sexy as I go up and down 100 lbs. He's a total keeper, and I am so lucky that I didn't settle for anything less.
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Old 12-30-2008, 06:41 AM   #28
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Obesity and alcoholism are different, sure, but in some cases very much alike. Both can take over your life, dominate every waking moment, drive you to suicide and withdrawal from life (which = losing everything).

Alcoholism doesn't always make a person terrible and violent and unliveable with. But also, it can. An eating disorder - which may be the cause of a person's obesity - same applies.

They are both diseases, but affect people to different degrees depending on severity, environment and personality. You have to evaluate each person as an individual.

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Old 12-30-2008, 09:54 AM   #29
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Obesity and alcoholism are different, sure, but in some cases very much alike. Both can take over your life, dominate every waking moment, drive you to suicide and withdrawal from life (which = losing everything).

Alcoholism doesn't always make a person terrible and violent and unliveable with. But also, it can. An eating disorder - which may be the cause of a person's obesity - same applies.

They are both diseases, but affect people to different degrees depending on severity, environment and personality. You have to evaluate each person as an individual.
I agree here.

I think when a person starts comparing issues, disorders, and/or addictions that people face, well I think that is counter productive.

Every individual faces their issues differently. An example. A person who is 500+ pounds can have that weight, and the reason for their obesity varies from person to person, impact their life very differently than someone who is 200+ pounds. They can loose their jobs, not have work. They can be unable to do much else, perhaps they are depressed and spend their money on food. It HAS happened and CAN happen because that is a situation of an individual.

Saying that I've also known people who had an addiction to alcohol who were not "mean drunks." The two that I knew where knee deep in a depression when they drank. Often feeling very negative things and on a self destructive path that left their loved ones feeling helpless and scared.

Everyone is different.

Quote:
You say it was a mistake not to make losing weight a stipulation to you marrying your husband. I find that very sad. You cannot change a person or expect them to change for you. His not losing weight has NOTHING to do with not "loving you enough to take care of himself." It isn't about you. I see you have 30 lbs to lose. Were you ever morbidly obese yourself? If so, you might understand better how daunting losing that vast amount of weight really is. You have to do it for yourself, not for any other person or any other reason than you want to do it to make your own life better.
Weight is weight. I knew a woman years ago who struggled for 2 years to get 15 pounds off. I mean she worked and worked, had set backs, and more just like I do and I have a lot more than 15 pounds to get off of me. It was just as daunting to her as it is to me. My point is that when you start comparing people and the amount of weight they have to loose, it just seems counter productive to me. I took that comment as a "comparison" of "well you only have this to loose and may not get it." Perhaps that is just me though lol.

I think her original point is that she didn't motivate her husband in the way that she thought she should have and is obviously concerned and feeling negative about his failing health. It is about her as well as they are in a relationship together, however I think the primary choice of change has to come from the individual. Using myself as an example, I am changing my life style for myself, but also a man I love dearly. I want to live again and in a way it is about both of us, not just me.

to everyone
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Old 12-30-2008, 10:27 AM   #30
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My point is that when you start comparing people and the amount of weight they have to loose, it just seems counter productive to me. I took that comment as a "comparison" of "well you only have this to loose and may not get it." Perhaps that is just me though lol.

I think her original point is that she didn't motivate her husband in the way that she thought she should have and is obviously concerned and feeling negative about his failing health. It is about her as well as they are in a relationship together, however I think the primary choice of change has to come from the individual. Using myself as an example, I am changing my life style for myself, but also a man I love dearly. I want to live again and in a way it is about both of us, not just me.

to everyone
Perhaps my own personal experiences did color my remarks a bit more than I should have let them. I did say I probably should have taken a deep breathe before posting. I do acknowlege that food can be addictive, much like alcohol, and I'm sure there are a number of alcoholics who work 9 to 5 and don't verbally abuse their significant others. But no one will ever convince me that obesity is as destructive IN GENERAL as alcoholism.

And yeah, I have to admit, while I acknowlege any weight loss is difficult, I don't think someone who has to lose 10, 20 or 30 lbs will ever truly understand what it's like to be looking at losing 200. It's just a whole different ballgame. Again, just my opinion.

But, we've digressed from the topic. The fact is blackmailing someone to lose weight is wrong. Saying "I'll marry you IF you lose weight", in my opinion, will likely lead to one of two results. 1. You never get married and eventually break up. Or, 2. You lose weight, get married, are unhappy and eventually break up. Because in the end, you have to lose weight because YOU want to, not to make someone else happy.

To Athendta, I'm sorry if I offended you. I certainly don't mean to belittle your worry about your husband's health. You are very much correct. It's bad for him and in the end bad for you too. You will be there if he develops medical problems. You will have to take care of him if he becomes unable to do it himself. Clearly, a spouses health affects both partners and I did not mean to suggest otherwise. Your concerns are very valid, but I doubt giving him an ultimatum would have done anything but delay your marriage for quite some time. Just please know, he isn't staying heavy due to any lack of love for you.
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