Nelie- A 2-3 time per weeker?! Wow! Mine's more of an every-dayer.
Jeeze girls! I'd settle for an every-weeker! I swear, every time we manage to squeeze it into our schedules we look at each other and say "Why don't we do this more often?"
Either that or "Good thing we don't do this more often - I couldn't handle this every day!"
I'm new here, just joined today, but I really feel at home already reading everyone's posts. I have been overweight since about age 10 and never had a real date in high school or college. I had built up a pretty good wall emotionally by age 12 or so and realize now that never being asked out probably had a good bit to do with my wall turning guys off.
With that said I got married in May last year to a wonderful man who actually made me feel beautiful for the first time in my life. I always thought if anyone could get past my weight and see the real me inside they would really like me, but he's the first one who ever did it. I was 42 and he was 49 when we got married. We met at church and dated for exactly nine months before we got married. Neither of us had ever been married before, and I was a virgin on our wedding night. I never thought I would ever be comfortable being naked in front of any man, but by the end of our honeymoon cruise we were both walking around naked in the cabin!
We have a great sex life, but I do think it would be better if I lost weight simply because I would be able to do more and have more energy. Lucky for me my hubby is very supportive of my weight loss efforts but he thinks I'm beautiful just the way I am.
Thank you for the kind words. I think that what is interesting about this thread is that we ALL have our dragons to slay and that we all just do the best we can to face them. I really never thought that other people had similar insecurities to mine.
Being big gets in the way of a full sex life. There are positions and activities that become difficult or impossible. Why would we cut ourselves off from the enjoyment?
I haven't found one yet! I will keep trying till I find one though!
I just love 3FC so much!!! So often we feel like we are alone with these issues and then we start talking about things and realize we aren’t alone. Just that fact can often make things so much easier to deal with.
One thing that really strikes me when reading this thread is how we let our own issues get in the way of being as confirmatory as we can be to our partners. What may be to us a desire not to be intimate, to be held, to hug, etc. because of our size and our own insecurities could very well come across to our partners as if we aren’t totally attracted to them. I certainly know that I am much more apt to think that something wrong in the relationship reflects on what is wrong with me even if it is really something to do with my partner’s issues. For me, it particularly portrayed itself in lack of being the initiator and also feeling very uncomfortable being looked at provocatively (i.e. wearing sexy underwear, etc.)
I definitely know that this thread has been causing ripples in my psyche because I have had a much harder time staying on plan the past few days with all this going through my head. In a way, this is a good thing because I know that I have touched a sore spot that needs some attention.
One thing I did today was I changed the shirt I first put on. The one I originally chose (because it completely covers my upper arms) was really big on me and looked really frumpy. I consciously chose to wear another shirt that fit me better. I am consciously making an effort to think about what appeals to me and how I want to be. I know that several people have mentioned how key self-confidence is, and I am seriously working on the things I can see now in my life that add to my feelings of confidence.
As a devout Catholic, I had a whole other level of issues about sex. When I was younger and skinnier I abstained because I had planned on entering a religious order. My family was vehemently opposed to my becoming a nun, so I just kept going to school, then went to work after college for a religious organization. I guess I thought I'd wear them out, or my mom would die, and I'd be free to pursue a vocation. She turned 85 yesterday, so that plan obviously wasn't going to work. I left behind those ideas when I got hurt and gained all this extra weight. At 43 I fell in love for the first time. I always thought that I would be pretty asexual if I got married. It has been the opposite. I don't know if it is my age, that thing about women hitting their peaks in their 40's, or saving it up for 43+ years, but I have surprised myself in every way. I don't mind the lights being on. I don't mind being undressed in front of him. He literally chases me everyday. I swear he'd have me in bed twice a day if I didn't have other things that needed to be done. I'm sitting here looking at him right now playing with the remote. He's a middle aged gray haired overweight nerd, and I'm absolutely crazy about him. I had to learn to like myself before I could be open to someone else liking me, loving me, lusting after me. We took a course on John Paul II's Theology of the Body, and the thing that stuck with me the most is that spouses need to be able to be "naked without shame." That was a big leap for me, but I had to be willing to be open to it. I have found it to be so freeing.
Wow, this thread is really hitting home for me. so many of the posts sound like me and my life. Growing up, i was always the "fat girl" but i did have boyfriends and other males who liked me. I got married young, and never was comfortable or happy with my appearance. Men older than me always "checked me out" which was kind of creepy. Afer my divorce at a young age, i used sex as "proof" that i was attractive enough to attract a man. this in turn, lead to some real losers as boyfriends, and all the while i still did not like myself or my appearance. I have had 2 men in my life who made me feel beautiful and worthy despite my size. Fast forward to now, after losing alot of wt, and hoping to loose more, i am still not happy with my appearance. the more wt i loose, the more male attention i get, and i am not comfortable with it. i am currently not in a relationship, and to be honest, i am scared to be. losing alot of wt for me has been both wonderful and not so wonderful. it has made me realize that some of my self esteem issues are not all related to my wt. On the other hand, despite losing wt, i am still not happy with my body. In a society where thin is definetly desired and worshipped, its easy to feel ugly even if you arent. i am hoping the more wt i loose, and the more "work" i do within myself will help me realize i am a good person worthy of a good man. I just want to be "normal" whatever that is, but i still wear the battle scars of my obesity and that affects much of my life. thanks for listening to me ramble, and thanks for making me feel im not alone with these issues
I've had to read a lot of these posts very quickly, but so many resonate!
I too, settled for people who were not right for me because I didn't believe I could do better. It took a long time to come to terms with the fact that it WAS possible for people of any weight to find a partner who loved them for who they are.
I knew I had gotten the message when I finally ended my first long term relationship (for lack of a better word) when I really and truly realized he was NOT attracted to me (which I'd known all along, really) AND that this fact was no longer acceptable. After that, I started to try to learn to seek out people who DID find me attractive. That took some time too. As Catherine said, I had to learn to love myself first.
I look back now and see so many ways I allowed myself to be defined by my obesity.
wyllenn, your last post just reminded me of my last relationship that was extremely toxic. He did find me attractive but he treated me like crap. Finally one day I had to seriously sit down with myself and realize that I wouldn't leave but I thought no one else would want me. By then I had a six month old baby and thought, oh wonderful, I'm fat and I have a kid, no one will want me now. I stepped out on faith and left him anyway but in my fear of repeating another bad relationship, I gained over 80 pounds in a year. And I'm still carrying that weight 2 years later.
I also had allowed myself to be defined by my obesity. Some have said in this thread (or maybe I'm thinking of another) that they never saw themselves as fat first. I've ALWAYS seen myself as fat first. I let it dictate every aspect of my life, including my relationships ad my sex life. I have finally have changed my thinking in a lot of ways but there are still those lingering thoughts of unworthyness and unattractiveness.
Another thing I've noticed lately as I continue to GAIN weight (ugh) is that I'm actually becoming less interested in sex. Jeff is 25--I can't blame hime for wanting it. And earlier in our relationship, when I was less than 275, I wanted it, too! But here I am at probably 320 now, and I just have no desire when he starts cuddling in bed. I feel exhausted, hot (we're working on getting a ceiling fan installed in the bedroom, but for now, it's always a good 10+ degrees warmer than the living room), and just plain not in "the mood." It's not fair to either one of us, and I really hope that losing some weight and getting a bit fitter will help with this issue
Hippie,
i actually kind of thought of myself as asexual throughout the years. I figured once I actually did get sexually involved with someone, I wouldn't want to have sex. Of course the opposite happened where I kind of went crazy at first... I calmed down a bit though but still.
Winterstarzz,
Actually my high demand caused some tension between DH and I at first. He complained that I would wear him out. We came up with a compromise in that 2-3 times per week and daily snuggling before bed. I can get a level of intimacy that I crave if i get regular snuggling. Of course I know men mostly want the physical pleasure so they may want it every day. I'd just tell him he can take care of himself sometimes... Sex should be mutual and shouldn't feel like an obligation. I think most men wouldn't stray just because they weren't getting sex every day if they were getting it frequently.
Being big gets in the way of a full sex life. There are positions and activities that become difficult or impossible. Why would we cut ourselves off from the enjoyment?
Why indeed!!! Maybe THIS should be my motivation to get thinner! ROFL
I haven't been on the site in almost two weeks, but in my last post I said I would be interested in joining this type of discussion - so here I am!
I can relate to SO much of what everyone has written! I can honestly say that my issues have nothing to do with my weight - but I use my weight as my excuse. I was adopted as an infant. There you go - abandonment from day one. If my own birth mother didn't want me, then who possibly could? (It didn't help that my adoptive mother was not particularly affectionate and has her own mental health issues - a whole other topic!) I insulate myself with my weight because I need a "reason" for any failure. We're not friends anymore because I'm fat. We broke up because I'm fat. Etc. Etc.
I was chunky in high school and just increased in size from then on. Yet I never had problems dating or having relationships. I recently realized (well, when I say recently, I mean the last 6 or 8 years) that although I never had problems attracting men, I was attracting the wrong type of men. I am fairly attractive. Please don't misinterpret that as conceit. I'll say I don't find myself particularly attractive or pretty - but I am often told I am. I realized that I was approached by men who didn't think they could do any better. I was the consolation prize. Well, she's fat, but she's pretty! Needless to say, they all had their own issues with relationships.
I have never been comfortable being naked in front of anyone and although I LOVE sex (hope that isn't TMI moderators!), lights on lights off anywhere in the house....I immediately put on a t-shirt afterwards. I am embarrassed about my weight, my rolls, my flab. I don't doubt my partners love for me one bit but I do work daily on my own insecurities and that is what made me decide I want to lose this weight. I know he loves me for me - the person I am on the inside - and I want to shed this protective layer of fat that I have used to insulate myself. It is like a gift to him that I am ready to let go of that protection because I trust him enough. Does that make sense? Sounds a little hokey as I reread it.
I am sure I will have more to say about this and will return to this thread again. Thanks to all of you who have shared so open and honestly here! By the way - just in case you are wondering, I have been in therapy to address the non-weight issues that lurk! I am a work in progess!
OK, I can't resist posting on this thread! I've been fat since like 5 yrs old! I was sexually abused before that and for a few years there after and it really set me up for further struggles in life. I started gaining weight and was very uncomfortable w/any kind of effection. I was the kind of kid you didn't have to hug, I just didn't care. In high shool I was always the fat friend and never had a date. LOL, honestly I didn't have too may cute guys in my class so believe me I'm not crying over that!!!! Once I got out of high school I lost some weight (in high school I probably topped out over 300 and got myself down to like 200) and I felt great. I guess I got a "little" slutty but it was more of a flirty attitude and honestly I was tired of living in a shell. Didn't lose my virginity until about 21/22 (can't remember I'm getting old!!!) to a guy I kind of sorta dated. I met my husband about 2-4 mths later and we settled in together and I started packing on the pounds. For the first couple of years together I would NOT take my shirt off for sex and always begged to have the lights off. I'm heavier now but am comfortable walking around in next to nothing around the house--think you just get comfortable w/each other after awhile. My sex drive has gone done over the years. Since I've been losing weight over the past couple of weeks it seems to be perking up again but right now I'm just trying to focus on losing weight, the sex can come later!
So may of us have posted about having our own personal body image issues. Well, I found this site awhile back and it's for women to embrace who they are and realize we don't all look like supermodels. I will warm you that it contains nudity but it's tasteful and basically shows that it's normal to have saggy boobs and drooping bellies
Well, this will be the first time I provide "TMI" to people I've never met!! I guess it's difficult to sit face-to-face with a family member and spill your guts, but writting here to me is almost like journaling -- if I ran into any of you at the store -- I know I would blush big time after this one!!! But, I know it will be therapeutic to get this out!!
I was always overweight until I moved out of my parent's house at 18. So, having low self esteem all those years and feeling like no man would want a "fat girl', I was starting out in a bad position.
I have some serious eating disorders, I won't go into here, but when I live alone, I'm "fine" -- so I lost about 50 lbs down to 145 -150. Good for my health, bad for "me". I assumed I was still not much to look at, so I "gave myself" freely, hoping to get the acceptance I so wanted. Looking back now, I realize how stupid I was, but that's hindsight!! I also realize at 5'10" -- I was pretty good looking back then and could of done so much better for myself.
Fast forward to 24 -- I met my now husband, 8 years older than me and he was so insecure in himself, he thought I would leave at the drop of a hat, when a better offer came along.
We moved in together and I proceeded to gain 100 lbs. I swear I am uncomfortable with attention and this is like a giant hot air balloon protecting me -- with the extra weight some how I'm just "not a woman" so I don't have to worry about men's attractions. It "helps" me know because my husband is verbally abuse -- he "doesn't like fat, I get bigger every year, etc.". I'm actually afraid to lose weight because I'm afraid I would "give myself freely" again to just get that moment of affection, to feel loved/cared about for all the wrong reasons. I'm just depressed that I don't think I ever got to know anyone that just loved me because I was so quick to give it all up.
Thank's for letting me "stop in" -- you guys are awesome. I just love the nonjudgmental attitude that presents itself on this website.
![300+ sexuality issues linked with weight loss [Note: Frank Discussion!]](https://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/iconimages/300-club/300-sexuality-issues-linked-weight-loss-%5Bnote-frank-discussion-%5D_ltr.gif)
I swear, every time we manage to squeeze it into our schedules we look at each other and say "Why don't we do this more often?" 
