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Fat phobic father on way for a visit!!

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Old 06-16-2007, 04:57 PM   #1
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Default Fat phobic father on way for a visit!!

I am now so freaked out, I knew I had to come to a place where I knew somebody would understand this. I was supposed to go home and visit my dad and stepmom this summer, but my husband got called out of town to work in california. I knew before, I had 9 months to lose weight before I saw them, but I put it off

Well, I asked my dad to come out here to San Francisco to visit us here. After he said yeah, I immediately thought, oh my GOD I am STILL fat.. duh!!! I have a highly fat phobic father. I had a half sister who weighed what I do now, 336, and she died a few years ago from complications from being diabetic. He makes very blunt comments about how I look like I am gaining, etc. I don't let him get away with it, but once it has been said it is stuck in my mind.

My stepmom has reigned him in on his comments, but now all I can think, is I haven't seen him in two years and I have gained ANOTHER 40 pounds since then, and it is showing terribly on me now, not that the other 100 pounds wasn't looking bad

I am now freaking out I think because I am uncomfortable with me and instead of trying to eat better last week, I found myself actually bingeing more. I know that I have control and all that, but I really just need somebody out there who understands to know, I am still freaking out!!!

My husband, who is supportive of me, said, he knows you didn't lose any weight, so he doesn't expect anything different out of you and he is still coming.

That goes back to when my sister came to visit me a few years ago and made a point to have me overhear her tell her daughter that no, I didn't try and surprise her, I was definitely still fat when she got to my house, did I mention my size 6 sister who swears she is supportive of my battle?

I am carrying so much weight now, it is effecting me and I am really battling it, but with him coming, I have found myself grabbing McDonalds when I wasn't and drinking coke, which I hadn't been. I wasn't eating great before, but just not to the amounts I am eating now.

I am also putting on enough weight it is affecting how I squeeze into a booth when we go out to eat, that is horrible. I have a trick, I have my husband take his menu and lay it from the back of the seat to the table and do the same with mine and we'll see who has the larger side so I can move, I would NEVER do that in front of my dad, oh my lord, I'd never do that.

I may be on here nightly when he goes back to his room and I have to process his comments from the day. I hate that I've done this to myself, that food has come to this. That I can't just have a fun vacation with my dad and not worry about how I am looking.

He is one of those people who are ashamed of fat family members. I mean you can really tell, before I gained weight he was relentless on my half sister, and then I got fat and it was turned on me until he figured out I don't just sit quietly and take a nasty comment, but he gets his digs in, he thinks he is helping me and himself I guess.

I guess the bottom line, is even if he doesn't make a direct comment to me, I know him and his feelings well enough to know that they are in their room discussing my new 40 pound gain, and how could I let that happen?

I overheard them talking to my husband last time they came. Shawn had shown them a photo album and my stepmom had never seen me thin and she said to shawn, oh My goodness she really gained a ton of weight, she looked so good then, wow, oh my, wow how huge she got oh my..etc etc..

I was in the house and they couldn't see me coming and then when I got out there they slammed it shut and I can say this for Shawn he was saying how he loved me everytime they'd say something. Then that night I heard her and my dad saying how I was going to drop dead at any second from a heart attack because I was fat.

Wish me luck, he gets here on thursday of this coming week. Oh, and my step mom is 67 and kind of slow moving and hates walking, no she isn't fat, but I thought, good, at least I have her to use for an excuse not to have to huff up a hill or something with my dad and have him say something to me

Sorry that got so long, it could've been longer I am so freaked out now. I am excited he is coming and I am trying to focus on that, but now that I am to this weight I have found I am almost physically freezing up in situations when I am with people and I remember how fat I am. I know this cannot be healthy for me on so many levels.

Thanks for letting me get it out there!
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Old 06-16-2007, 06:22 PM   #2
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I am so very sorry you are so stressed out over this visit. I can relate. Prior to starting to attempt to get healthy in February I had not been at a family function in 9 months. I would always be "too sick" and my hubby would go without me. I was embarassed at how big I had gotten and I was unhealthy and out of breath and you know how that goes. I went to my mom's 80th birthday celebration the week before I started the journey that brought me where I am right now. I was wheezy and could not breathe. My brothers and my mom thought I should go to the Dr.

Could you possibly call your Dad and have a heart to heart with him on the phone? It might be easier over the phone. Tell him that you really are hurt by his comments and you are already stressing out over a visit that should be an enjoyable one and they haven't even arrived yet. Thank them for their concern for your health and remind them that *no one* chooses to be heavy. You are trying to get healthy, but it will not happen overnight and they need to know that derogatory comments do not help...they hinder your progress. Make sure they know you can't wait to see them and stuff, but that you do not need to be reminded of your weight.

I wish you luck. I have been in those shoes. I haven't seen my brothers since my mom's birthday. They have no idea that I have lost weight. LOL! I have dieted my way up to my highest weight (starting weight) and I am no longer DIEting....I am living. You can do this. Don't let the stress hurt YOU by binging. You can get through this.


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Old 06-16-2007, 06:32 PM   #3
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Oh my gosh, my inlaws are that way. I know EXACTLY what you are going through. It is a terrible anxiety. I dont have any words of wisdom. I just wanted you to know i have the same problem, you are not alone. My inlaws are very thin and live out of state. When we visit their house i worry that the fat girl (me) will break their dainty furniture. It is terrible.

That is really tragic that you have over heard them. That is just incredibly hurtful. It is very rude of them, maybe you should call them on it if you over hear it this time. I bet you would feel empowered. Turn the tables and make THEM feel uncomfortable. At the very least let them know what a nervous wreck it makes you because of their insensitivity and lack of cooth.

I am sure your dad loves you and is genuinely concerned for your health, given the family history of diabetes complications. But their disposition isnt helpful, like your post implies, all it does is freak you out, it doesnt help the situation.

Just know i will be thinking of you. Comment and vent all you need to.
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Old 06-16-2007, 07:02 PM   #4
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I will preface this with saying that this is much easier said than done, but here is how I would try to handle it. If/when your father says something negative about your weight, confront him. Say something like, “Dad, I understand that you are making that comment about my weight because you care about my health and well being. The problem is, that I have discovered that I am not a person who is motivated by negative reinforcement. While maybe it works for some people, feeling bad about my weight doesn’t motivate me at all to do something about it. In fact, it only aggravates the problem. I am now seriously trying to do something, but the best way for me to succeed is to have the positive support of those I love. I would be thrilled if you would help support me positively, and to do this I would ask you to stop making comments like the one you just did.”

The other thing is to always try and remember that being fat doesn’t mean there is something intrinsically wrong with you that gives other people the right to treat you poorly. In this area, one of the best things is to “fake it til you make it”. You deserve to sit in a chair or booth that fits, and you should be able to ask for it if you need it. Being fat doesn’t make you a second class citizen. You are fat because you use food in a destructive fashion. People have all kinds of self-destructive behavior, but mostly we can’t see it. I worked with a guy who was $100,000 in gambling debt because of his demons, but you would never know it just by looking at him.

Whatever happens here’s a big to you for having to deal with such a rough situation. Definitely feel free to come here and get it all out. We’ll be here for you.
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Old 06-16-2007, 08:02 PM   #5
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I can relate to your stress as well. A couple years ago when I packed on 100+ pounds in the course of about a year I totally isolated myself. I was embarrassed to be seen by ANYONE! The only reason I went to work is because I had to. Everyday was a worry wondering what everyone at work was thinking of my gain and trying to come up with excuses to avoid every social occasion. It has gotten a little better because I have finally started socializing (to some extent) again, but I still get depressed over trips and other things that I feel are impeded by my weight. Last year it was a trip to Kansas City for my friend's baby shower. She hadn't seen me since her wedding at which I was 120 pounds lighter. I recently went on a trip to the Grand Canyon with the same friend and a couple other girls. I was a nervous wreck about it and, like you, turned to food to soothe the stress.

My heart goes out to you after reading your post. I can totally relate to it. Try to remember in alot of cases what we spend time worrying about turns out OK or at least not as bad as we were thinking. In the case of the mean comments, I agree with what some others have said which is to speak up for yourself. You do not need to get angry or rude but you are well within your rights to let them know they are hurting your feelings and you want them to stop. You are an adult and it's your home. You deserve to be treated with respect and are well within your rights to demand it.

On the positive, it sounds like you have an incredibly supportive and loving husband. Enlist his help in supporting you during the visit. I hope it all turns out well for you.
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Old 06-16-2007, 08:22 PM   #6
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Default Thank God for the support here!

Hi, I was so happy to have a response that does remind me that I will survive the two weeks he is here and maybe even get some exercise in. I have joined Bally's down here in California and should probably use it everyday until he gets here so mentally I feel like I have made an effort.

You know the reason my stepmother intervened is because I directly told her I was sick of it, because he doesn't listen. I am not a wall flower by any means, I've directly said things like, "wow, dad I can't believe you said that to me, what did you mean by that exactly" that's a great one for making him squirm and the other one is "did you want me to feel bad about myself?"

He is totally clueless, or rather he can't contain himself. We had issues years ago, where I didn't talk to him because of his blunt nature and he has toned it back greatly and this new wife, he's had for 4 years, they are in their late 60's, she is great, but can be thoughtless her own self when it comes to my weight.

she told me some elaborate story of how her daughter gained 100 pounds, and she was frantic about her health, it was quite the story. I asked my sister if her daughter had gained weight, the story seemed 'off' and she said no. They live in Kentucky and I am in oregon.

I have point blank said they need to not concern themselves with it, but you know some people honestly do not get that being overweight is emotionally tied to you and that it doesn't just roll off. This is YOU, and this is a direct hit on you, your appearance and your choices that brought you to the 300 pound mark, so yeah, I'd say they are pretty clueless, despite my trying to tell them to get over it.

I totally think my step mom might think it is a health thing, but my dad is 100% about the looks. He is a high maintenance guy and so is my stepmother. She won't go without lipstick no matter what, so they expect everyone around them to step up.

I know what I have to do, I've done it before, I agree too, dieting doesn't help. I have done my best weight loss, eating things in much smaller portions and the weight came right off. I didn't count anything or weigh it, I just got serious about what I needed to do. However, I am easily side tracked and that is going to have to be an issue I need to work on.

But even though it is sad there are in-laws out there like that, I have them too, it is nice to be reminded that I am not alone in dealing with this stuff. My brother-in-law was the food police for me for a long time and say nasty things until my husband finally stopped going around them and he made a choice to stand by me and he hasn't seen that brother in nearly 18 years now, he so nasty. oh, to be the weight I was 18 years ago when I thought I was fat, I was 180 pounds when the talked to me like a dog, just think if they saw me now

I will probably really be here the whole time he is here, he is very emotionally draining without the weight thing, at times, so I have to be careful that I don't go totally nuts with food.

Thank you guys again for the support. I honestly needed that! I should be posting more and not just reading everyday. I was surprised at how much better I felt.
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Old 06-22-2007, 10:19 AM   #7
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Well, here is the update for daddy fat phobic coming. I had told my husband that all the other times I have gotten them at the airport, he comments on my weight immediately. My DH just smiled. My stepmom, has an uncanny resemblance to Dolly Parton, she is small and well kept and very southern, so I think she is like my dad in that way, they can't grasp people who aren't.

I was shocked however, when they met us at baggage claim and exclaimed to my HUSBAND, he had gained weight. He put on about 15 pounds when he stopped smoking two years ago. Then they looked at me and said oh, it looks like San Francisco agrees with the two of you with how plump you two look.

Isn't that a sweet way to greet people? LOL But I expected it, but I was a little upset they zeroed in on Shawn. However, my husband has no bad feelings about his weight and told me it didn't bother him at all.

I could see my SMom checking me out from the side, looking straight at my tummy area. Then a few minutes later she'd ask if I was going to the gym and still on WW.

Then we end up at Nations a hamburger place because nothing was open so late and they ordered me pie without asking me. I don't know how people can be that way, they are horrified you are fat and talk about it almost nonstop from the airport and then order you pie. Anybody else get that from their family or friends?

Here is exactly how my dad greeted me when he first saw me, he hugged me and then made the comment to my husband and then told us his weight and how he lost twenty pounds for his cruise last month. All in under one minute.

I am not spending the rest of his trip talking about weight, so I am going to tell him today to let it go in my most nicest way possible. I was still glad to see him, but give it a rest.

Then we were pulling back in and my Smom looks over at my husband and said, when I saw you last you had a tight 6 pack and you were very sexy, my daughters all still talk about you from your visit back home. What do you have now, shawn a 12 or 24 pack?

OH my Gosh, I couldn't believe she said that to him. He hasn't gained that much weight, he is even in his same size jeans. yes, he did have a 6 pack right up until he gave up his pack and half of cigarette habit.

I said that to them and dad says, well, that was two years ago shawn, why haven't you gotten the weight off? Shawn laughed and parked. My husband is really one of the most good natured people on the planet and my dad actually loves him to death, but they were really on last night about weight.

Because we are out of town and not in Oregon we are at an extended stay hotel, and they have their room on another floor and I think that will help keep my sanity. I think getting trivial things out like this here, where people understand fat phobic relatives, will keep my from choking him to death during the day.

Thanks once again to you guys out there for letting me vent and letting me know I am not alone out there with family that can really just make insensitive comments. And you know it isn't about health issues with comments like, 'do you have a 12 or 24 pack now' that isn't health, that is just mean and uncalled for.
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Old 06-22-2007, 02:47 PM   #8
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OMGosh, I can *so* understand the weight talk and then ordering PIE!

I have been the heavy one in the family for all of my life (started the day after I was born, I swear). As my three sisters and I have aged through the years, they have also had their weight struggles. They, too, have seen the sabotage that my Mom does. The times it happens to them, I can watch from the outside and see that she has absolutely no clue the effect those comments make on each of us. The comments are borne out of her own insecurities and fears.

Of course, it doesn't make the weight talk any less painful. I'm glad you have your hubby there as support and perhaps some distance during the evenings.

Hang in there!

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Old 06-22-2007, 02:57 PM   #9
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i'm going to say something that may be taken the wrong way but at 47 I still turn into a 10 year old when my dad visits.

your father and SM are toxic hateful people and if my family did that to me I'd sever all contact with them.
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Old 06-22-2007, 03:07 PM   #10
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I am glad to hear you are getting through the trip ok. That is so horrible that they are getting so down on your husband, but it is mighty chivalrous of him to deflect some of their comments. I am stunned by the pie incident.

The thing that is makes me wonder is how your parents think about themselves. To be constantly criticizing others about their looks, they must be quite insecure themselves in matters of personal vanity. It’s really sad to me when people value looks over character.
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Old 06-22-2007, 03:14 PM   #11
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i feel you about the sabbotage too. i was always told that i needed to lose the weight. i finally started losing the weight. everyone was happy for me at first. i would tell them everytime i would lose weight and they would say great. well my mom started gaining weight and i guess was feeling down, i said i finally hit the 30 lb mark and she was like ok, enough about your weight i don't want to hear about it anymore. then she turned to my husband and said how do you put up with that. ok, i hated her for a minute and then realized that she was the one who was unhappy about her weight and was not doing anything about it. i was. it is the unhappy that sabbotage, they don't want you to succeed if they can't. i am continuing my weight loss i just wont talk to her about it. at least my husband is great support.
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Old 06-22-2007, 08:03 PM   #12
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I just wanted to offer you support and a cyber hug ((())) I feel so sorry for you and for your sweet husband! You tell him that I said congrats on quitting smoking! It was worth 15 lbs.

I hope your dad listens but he may never change. Try not to let him get to you. It's hard to have someone you love treat you with disrespect.
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Old 06-23-2007, 10:43 AM   #13
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Hi goingthin,

I do hope the rest of your visit is going a bit better then the inital greeting..

I just don't understand people like that.. I believe it boils down to they are unhappy with themselves and have to point out flaws in others to make themselves feel better.. Sota like a bully..

Your husband sound great.. Its so wonderful you have each other~!

You can mention to your hubby he can use the saying, the tummy is a roof over his tool shed lol My dad came up with that one somewhere along the way when he stopped smoking and developed a tummy.. Of coarse that people had to point out.. What ever happened to good proper manners anyway .. grr

Hang in there..

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Old 06-24-2007, 09:31 AM   #14
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i had to come find this post.

daddy is here visiting with his horrid size 6 girl friend...

now dad is insane about weight and health lately... so even though i'm 47 i turn into a ten year old when daddy's here.

yesterday he told me that his sister said she's lost 25 pounds but he can't see it. in fact he says all he sees is the weight she's gained since the last time he saw her..

then he lambasted me for not ragging on my husband about his diet (my husband is huge) and then he tells me

well i was 196 on thursday and this morning my blood sugar was 99

then then this morning he calls me to tell me what he ate for breakfast.

OMG if I was NOT losing weight and I was not eating healthy, I think i'd get the flu and have to skip dinner with them tonite.

trust me everything that goes in my mouth is judged.

I'm 47 and i turn into a ten year old.... what is it about fathers?
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Old 06-24-2007, 09:56 AM   #15
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I really feel for you. Your dad and SM sound like horribly insecure, mean spirited people. Needing to make you and your hubby feel badly because of how you look? I mean really! How sad is that?

The way I look at it, you can always lose weight. Its much harder to change your insides. Sounds like you and hubby are beautiful on the inside where it counts!
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