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Old 05-24-2015, 02:17 PM   #1
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Default Ready for kids

I don't know where this post belongs but I'm putting here because I'm 33 and I'm in a long term relationship and ready for kids. Part of the reason why I am sooooo motivated to lose this weight and doing so well so far is because about 6 wks ago my boyfriend basically told me that he hasn't proposed to me yet because of my weight. He mentioned that he was afraid of us getting married, and having kids and then I get sick and die because of my weight. I was really depressed for about 2-3 wks, but after tearful conversations he reassured me that he does love me but fears the future if my weight remains as it is. I've never had something motivate me as much as motherhood. We haven't revisited the conversation of when he would be comfortable with my weight enough for us to try to move forward, but here is a question for the 30 something parents that maybe got pregnant during trying to lose weight. I know a doctor is really who I should talk to about this and I will, but how much weight can you really lose when pregnant and have it still be healthy for the baby? I'm 33 and my clock is ticking loudly.
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Old 05-26-2015, 08:48 AM   #2
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I'm not sure who you should talk to, but I am in the same boat as you. I need/want to lose a significant amount of weight, and want to be a mommy so bad that it isn't even funny anymore. My significant other said the same thing, and we have been working together to create a healthy sustainable lifestyle (I thought I remember reading about something with your SO and pizza). That might be a good way to approach it with him. There are some things my boyfriend will not touch at all, no matter how much I play up the health benefits (or things he will never give up, like burger king and poptarts). If you find anything out or want a buddy with a similar goal let me know!!!
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Old 05-26-2015, 08:29 PM   #3
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Well, I am going to speak out of turn so apologies.

I am father of twins, did infertility treatment and subsequently separated from my wife after losing 100+lbs.

Your weight is nobody's business but yours.

Love sees through weight.

If you want to lose the weight to have kids, marry etc. so be it.

But what the frick is this with partners making those demands and more?

Red flag.

And once again, apologies.
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Old 05-26-2015, 09:07 PM   #4
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I am glad it motivates you, however I kind of do agree with Ian. I understand that your significant other is worried about the future, but to say that is why he has not proposed... I too believe love should see through weight.

That being said, I do not know anything about weight loss and being pregnant. I would definitely talk to my doctor about it if I were you.

I gained quickly with all three of my babies. With my last one I was almost up to 200 LBS by 7 months and with her I was the most aware of what I was eating and making better choices.
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Old Yesterday, 08:54 AM   #5
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I understand where Ian and Becs are coming from, but lets be perfectly honest, if you were with somebody and cared for them and their well being, but seeing them self destruct you'd have second thoughts about the future. There was a time when my SO had a major problem with drugs and alcohol and actually in the 10 yrs that we have been together I have just become comfortable with the idea of us getting married in the last 2 yrs. I loved him and was there for him but when things with his issues were not stable, I thought, "until this is worked out we can't move forward." He has worked hard to make himself a better person for himself, me and his future children... and I think that it is reasonable for me to do the same. I know there are various schools of thought on whether overeating is an addiction. I am not sure what I think but I know that just as it took work for him to make himself better and healthy, it is going to take me the same. Being that you did divorce, Ian, I am sure that you understand that marraige isn't all about floating hearts and butterfly kisses. Its hard work and sometimes decisions need to be made with reasoning and not so much with emotion. I love my SO very much, but if I had my life in control and he was still out of control, I might decide that there is no way that I would want to bring kids into our situation. Don't get me wrong I was very upset with our original conversation, but I understand that it was coming out of a place of love and concern for my well-being. The same place in my head where I stalk my parents on fitbit to make sure they're moving around and how he stalks his retired dad to make sure that he's moving around. To say that my weight is nobody's business but mine is kinda not true. Of course that is what I felt at first, but it is the business of my loved ones if I am harming myself with it. Not just my SO but my parents who would be heartbroken if they lost their child before they died or my hypothetical children if i left them without a mother, my brother, my nephew.....everybody close to my heart if I left them because of a weight related health issue that could have been prevented rather than me self destructing. No need to apologize. I don't believe that anybody on this site speaks out of turn. Its an open forum and hearing other people opinions helps others see things from different points of view. Thats nothing but helpful in my eyes.
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Old Yesterday, 09:16 AM   #6
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Regardless of the fact that I may not agree with it, I am glad it motivates you and makes you want to be a better person. I do hope your dreams come through. There is nothing in the world more rewarding than being a mommy!!
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Old Yesterday, 10:27 AM   #7
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Thank you. It is actually the biggest motivation I've ever had bc whether or not I have my SO in my life in the future, I'm always going to know that I will be a mom, whether that means with him, with somebody else, with a donor or through adoption. I want to be healthy for however that child or those children come into my life
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Old Yesterday, 10:41 AM   #8
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I think people read into the "my partner wants me to lose weight" for very different reason.

I totally get you and where your boyfriend are coming from. He says he loves you, but he worries for his and your future - it's about HEALTH and behaviors... not size and vanity. I think sometimes our egos get wrapped up into the, "you would love me more if I were skinny." I know I've fallen into that trap. And... my husband is more affectionate and more attracted to me when I'm thinner, but the SHAPE and SIZE of my body are only part of the story. He is more attracted to me because I'm healthier and taking care of myself - which secures a better future for us as a couple.

I know my husband has been WAY worried about my recent and rapid weight gain. He still loves me, but he's worried about my mental state and my health and what it means for us going forward. I would worry similarly if he had an issue he was struggling with.

But, back to your initial question, yes, you should try to lose weight before getting pregnant. I got pregnant with both my kids while overweight (around 265 with the youngest and 220 with the oldest). With both pregnancies (using nurse midwives) I was told to try to not gain weight during pregnancy- and I didn't. Both times I was 30 pounds light post baby than pre baby a couple weeks post partum.

It is also easier to try to lose weight when you aren't exhausted with a newborn or young child. AND your fertility will be better the thinner you get.

Good luck to you!
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