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Feeling lost and in need of some support

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Old 12-01-2014, 10:28 PM   #1
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Unhappy Feeling lost and in need of some support

I have been battling with weight issues my whole life. When I was in my early twenties, I thought I was fat. For the love of Pete!! If I could be fat like I thought I was then, everything would right on track!!
I recently got engaged to the love of my life. I never thought anyone would want to marry me. Mostly because I can be a little bossy at times (When I say a little bossy, I mean, I know how everything should go )
When he and I first started dating, we were in getting into pretty good shape. I was walking outside everyday, eating right, and working on trying to start running!! He was going to a cross fit gym regularly, and eating right. In the middle of all this I developed a pretty serious back injury. My exercise routine came to a screeching halt. It was a chore just to put my socks and shoes on, let alone try to get on an elliptical.
Needless to say, almost 2 years later, I've gained about 30 pounds, my fiance's gained about 50. I love my fiance unconditionally. I know that we both could stand to get back into better shape, but I find him just as attractive as the day we met, 50lbs ago.
All that being said, my plan this week was to get back into the gym because after a long time trying to heal, I'm finally feeling like I can start to be active again!! I also wanted to try to heat things up in the bedroom again because our time in there slowed down as well. My fiance told me that he's "not able to make things work in the bedroom because of my weight gain." That he really doesn't want to be that "fat couple", and thinks that "I should lose some weight before we start to think about having sex."
I'm devastated. I feel so embarrassed, sad, betrayed, angry... All of the feelings that aren't good. And I don't know what to do. I'm mortified that all the times I've tried to initiate sex and he's turned be down it's because he can't stand the sight and touch of me. (my words, not his) I don't even want so see, kiss, or be around him right now. I loved him no matter what. I don't care that he's gained weight, he's just as handsome to me. How can this man, who loves me so much, that everyone else I know loves, be so shallow. I understand that we both should lose some weight, which I was planning on starting to do in the first place, but to be so cold, and rude.
I just don't know how to get past this. How to deal with my feelings. I've lost my confidence, I'm scrutinizing myself in the mirror every time I pass it. I had a plan to go to the gym, but I don't want him to think it's because of him. I'm lost.
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Old 12-02-2014, 08:52 PM   #2
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Hi Madam S,

I just wanted to say welcome, and I'm sorry for both the back injury and for the difficulties popping up in your relationship with your fiance. It's great that your back is starting to feel better and you're motivated to be active again. Exercise is my drug of choice for just about everything, including job and relationship stress. I hope that you can start to work it back into your life and that you can experience the positive effects while still keeping your back happy.

Regarding the conversations that you have had with your fiance, all I can offer is that perhaps there is something deeper going on there. Your feelings were of course hurt, and that's terrible. But do you think that what he said might reflect more than just what the words say, e.g. could it be his own insecurity, body hatred, etc. from his recent weight gain that is coming out? Have you had or could you have another conversation about this where you ask him to talk some more?

On my part, when I am feeling somewhat horrible about myself (I'm ashamed to admit that it does still happen regularly), I avoid intimacy of any sort with my husband. It wasn't until he asked me why I was mad at him that I realized he was perceiving this problem in a totally different way. We talked it out and now I'm able to say when I am feeling insecure, and he respects it (but often tries to talk me out of it with jokes or compliments).

More communication is often the solution to relationship problems in my experience, and it may be what's needed here. Of course, you need to feel that your future husband loves you unconditionally and has got your back when things get tough. And you should tell him that.

ETA: I forgot to say that if you want to go to the gym, you go to the gym. Exercise is for you and only you. It is the gift you give yourself because you are worth it.

Last edited by JayZeeJay : 12-02-2014 at 08:54 PM.
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Old 12-02-2014, 09:44 PM   #3
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I've dealt with a similar situation.

For a long while I was getting small comments from my husband, for instance, how he doesn't like when we're having sex and our bellies touch. So I knew there was an issue for over a year. But I didn't know how to address it. I was terrified of losing weight, because of my past experiences with dieting (which have been successful, expect that I always gained the weight back and half again afterwards).

I think my husband is a bit less straightforward than your fiance, which made our conversation a bit easier when we finally did have it. He was a bit tipsy and I asked him about why we weren't having as much sex (he didn't initiate much, and eventually wrung the information from him. I wasn't the woman he married. I've always been "sturdy" and curvy and he likes that, and he loves me anyway, no matter what. But I'm just not sexually appealing to him anymore. And the worst part of all of it was that I wasn't willing to do anything about it. The prospective was that we would both gain weight forever. That in itself was a turn-off.

I didn't understand at first, because I, like you, find my husband attractive despite his weight gain, and can't imagine not finding him attractive. In fact, my taste in men follows whatever my husband looks like, at any given time. My husband, to his benefit, did keep referring to himself as a jerk, and reminding me he loves me.

But it's a fair point that lust is separable from love. Your preferences aren't something you can just decide on. I don't tend to find men with delicate bone structure attractive, for instance. It's just not what does it for me. Part of my idea of sexual excitement with a man is the idea of being overpowered (which is hilarious because like you, I'm "bossy," and my husband is this overly respectful and mindful person)... so if my husband suddenly had a more delicate bone structure (or if he shrunk two feet shorter), I wouldn't love him any less, but I'd probably have more trouble getting sexually excited.

So I can understand that if your fiance has an idea in his head of what's sexy and what does it for him (perhaps he likes being the stronger/larger one, or likes feeling like he can lift you up and move you around), then that might not be something he can reconcile the way your body is now.

Yes, it sucks. I felt horrible. I asked my husband if he was going to stop having sex with me if I got in an accident, or when I get old. How can my body change how he feels about me, that way? But it's a simple truth. We like what we like. We can't do much to change it. Fortunately, weight loss is, while difficult, still possible.

I started on my current plan and my husband jumped on board, so we're supporting each other through it. And a while into calorie logging, I said to him "I hope this helps, and that it's good enough we're going in the right direction." And it was. We're back on track, we have a sex life again, and I feel like things are right with the world.

I understand the want to avoid the gym because it would seem like you're doing it for him. I actually think it's good you feel that way, because you shouldn't be doing it for him, and it's clear you're aware of your own value. But, I don't think it's a good solution long-term (and nor is trying your best to lose weight alone).

My advice would be to talk to your fiance about your struggles, and involve him in the process of improving yourself. Lose weight on your terms, and make it clear that you can't choose an unhealthy method, or follow a plan that's strict and rigid. But make yourself accountable. I have suggestions on that front if you like.

HOWEVER:

I'm concerned by the comment that your fiance "doesn't want to be that 'fat couple'," because that hints that he cares more about other people's perception of him than he cares about your relationship. So I think that's something you should address.

Perhaps it was an offhand comment that didn't carry a lot of meaning, but I think it's important to find out. I would not want to marry someone who cares more about other people's opinions than about me, because it would mean there could be outside influences on our relationship at any given time.
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Old 12-03-2014, 03:11 AM   #4
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You and him need to hash this out in a big communication talk before you walk down the aisle. Sex is an important part of a relationship. I was just th a guy when I was 18 who adored me until I gain d 10 lbs, he made a big deal about it. Weight fluctuates, that's life. This guy insulted me enough to know I needed to get out. Is he insecure about himself or is he really not attracted to you?
Don't let his snide remarks stop you from losing the weight. The weight loss is for you and you know that.
You deserve a man who will love you in fatness and in health. Who motivates you and appreciates you as a person and a soul, not a body. What's his plan when you both get old? Is he going to play th same card?
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Old 12-03-2014, 11:27 AM   #5
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Sorry you are going through that, Just like everyone else suggested I think you should do what you need to do for yourself. Don't let his negative comments prevent you from working out when it is what YOU wanted. As for your fiance.... I suggest you talk to him. Tell him how those comments affected you, and try and work through them.
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Old 12-03-2014, 11:45 PM   #6
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Thank you to all of you!! I really needed to reach out to someone. Hearing from you all helped put things in perspective a little bit. I was getting lost in the emotion.
I'm going to get myself started on this weight loss journey (again) and try to stay positive. I look forward to using this forum as motivation, to meet new people on the same journey, to help give support and get support.
I really appreciate everyone reaching out!!
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Old 12-04-2014, 01:40 PM   #7
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Madam- glad that we could help. I want to wish you the best on your journey!
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