Why don't I want to be happy?

[blueice10]

I am miserable being fat but I am still scared to be skinny. I dream of losing weight but there's always a blah moment when I imagine actually being skinny. I can't imagine being happy. Maybe getting skinny won't make me happy but I feel like it should. I imagine this nice guy talking to me, being interested in me then nothing. I cant imagine a happly ever after. I always end up miserable.
I have been sad to some extent or other since i was five. I managed to lose 25 pounds earlier this year then i remember hearing my therapist mention how i was smiling more. IT FREAKED ME OUT. I am never happy, it doesn't happen then ramo I am smiling looking happy.
I stopped dieting and excersising shortly therafter. It was just to weird. I don't like feeling happy. It feels WEIRD and I don't like it. It makes me want to cry, A LOT.
Does anyone understand this. What is so wrong with me when i can't stand being happy. Is there anyway to change this.
I need help, I know i do, but what. how am i supposed to get over the horror of being happy, of smiling and having someone notice. Maybe i just don't think i deserve to be happy.

Any advise would be appreatiated, anyone else feel this way.

[joyc21]

Unfortunately I can't offer any help but here's a from me to you.....

It sounds like you've been unhappy for so long that you're not even comfortable being happy. Just remember that no matter what, you DESERVE to be happy. It's okay to let yourself be happy.

[JessLess]

I think any change is scary. (hugs)

[leannerenee]

Seeing a therapist is definitely a step in the right direction. Have you told him/ her all of this?

I think so many people "hide" behind their weight and are scared of being hurt more than scared of being happy. It's like you feel that as soon as something good happens, something is going to happen to take it all away, so why even strive for good things in the first place?

You deserve happiness!

[SweetCurves32]

I know I am late with this (finally making my way back to the forums) but I just wanted to send you some

I struggle with bouts of depression, and I know how hard it is t deal with the sadness. I want to be happy so badly, but sometimes it just feels impossible to believe that I can be. But I keep pushing, keep trying, because I CAN'T and WON'T spend the rest of my life like this!

I hope that you are doing better!

[carrie31324]

I understand what you are saying. For me, I picture this fantastic life and when I get close enough in my weight loss to see that, I panic and put the pounds back on. I know this is because I'm scared that my life won't be what I've pictured and I'll feel like all my hard work was for nothing. I definitely sabotage myself!! Maybe if I let myself actually meet my goals I'll find out what that life is like. Another problem I have is that my ex used to always tell me noone would want me because of my weight, so if I lose the weight and don't find that significant other ~ He will have been right and that just can't happen lol.

Everyone has their demons and stuggles, you just have to find the best way to work through them for YOU.

[eroica27]

I know what u mean. in the beginning i had nightmares about being skinny, developing an eating disorder, after meeting goal knowing when to ease off of my diet. this forum helps alot, cause i'm uber private and this is anonymous. i still get bouts of anxiety, but the folks at work have been real supportive, and after realizing that too much praise, or even blatantly obvious praise makes me feel uncomfortable and small. I get through my days making a concentrated effort to not think about it (and let me tell you that some days it is as convincing as canned laughter on a crap sitcom). I'm still brittle, but not as much as I was 6 months ago, and I'm almost a year into my weightloss. The best advice i can give is to let folks know if they are making you uncomfortable, even if it means telling folks to pretend like everything is still normal & to find things and activities to do that fill you with joy.