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Old 07-26-2009, 11:24 AM   #1
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Default Lonely/at a loss

I'm very aware that this isn't the place for this post, but I can't get into my diet blog and just need to get this out. Maybe someone can relate, maybe not.

I'm 30 y/o and I live in the suburbs of Chicago w/ my husband. I don't have a cell phone. Normally this doesn't bother me but lately I've been attracted to the 'just in case' aspect of one.... then I realised. Do I need a monthly bill to serve as a reminder that I have no one to call me? Not counting solicitors my home phone can go for weeks with out ringing w/ an actual call.

I feel pathetic. This is embarassing. I've lived here for just over 2 years and I have no friends. I golf w/ my husband, I take karate classes, I love my job and I have plenty of hobbies, just no one to share with. I love my husband but I so miss having a girl friend to go get coffee with, or see a chick flick with.

Our neighbors are older and keep to themselves. We do not have kids.
It gets to me sometimes, like now, where I feel like a loser because I'm dependent on my husband for social interaction. I'm not a bar person and the club scene doesn't appeal to me.

But how do I make friends? Short of walking up to someone and asking if they want to be my friend, I don't know what to do.
My work schedule doesn't allow me that many social avenues ( I mostly work from 10 a.m to 8 p.m) On the two days I get done earlier I have karate.

My plan is just to do things that I find fulfilling and everything else will fall into place but it certainly doesn't seem to be happening.

The end.
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Old 07-26-2009, 11:38 AM   #2
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I wish I had an answer! I dont have any friends where I live either - it does get lonely. I love my husband, but sometimes I want a girl to hang out with. I miss having friends! I dont have any kids either, and so the people that I do know, who have kids, thats their world (which is fine for them, but I dont have kids!!).

Anyway, I dont have any advice, but just wanted to let you know, you're not alone!

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Old 07-26-2009, 12:12 PM   #3
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I'm not too great at meeting new people either. I still live in my home state and hang out with the people I knew in high school. I made 1 real friend in college. 1 in 5 years! I plan to move to Az in the next year or so and I'm sure I'll be feeling a lot like you when I get there. All I can say is keep getting involved in stuff like your karate. Maybe join a local organization or take an art class. Anywhere that you can meet people and have the oportunity to socialize without it being the weird just walking up to someone and talking situation.
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Old 07-26-2009, 12:30 PM   #4
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I so feel you! I moved to a brand new town 5 years ago and for 2 years I knew nobody except my significant other. So I started doing things I Liked alone that would bring the aspect of meeting others. I took a class through the university ( a fun one for a couple of weeks) it was cooking and I made a good connection with a lady in my course. Now she's one of my closest friends. I also started going to a book club at the library, just for some interaction other then my now husband.

A welcome bump in the road on my journey
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Old 07-26-2009, 01:35 PM   #5
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Is there anyone from karate you could get closer to? Someone from work?

What do you or would you like to do? If you read, maybe a book group through your library? If you do crafts, what about a crafts group? Etc.

Regarding the cell phone, have you thought about doing a pre-paid cell phone? That way, there's no monthly bill, but you have it for emergencies.
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Old 07-26-2009, 03:06 PM   #6
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After I wrote this post, I felt better immediately. I kept it up to see what answers I'd get. I also went to the driving range w/ my husband which helped. My work hours ( 10-8 ) make it difficult to do much, and because I work for a small office, it's important that I'm there. My boss is ok with me leaving early but it just doesn't always happen...if I'm with a patient I'm not going to get up and ditch 'em.

I dig the people I work with, but not to the point of socializing outside of work aside from the occassional lunch.
I was part of a gun club but ended up 'dropping out' because I was the youngest person there by 25 years. Everyone else was retired so thier activities occured during hte day adn during the week.

We've only been going ot karate for about 2 weeks, but are meeting people there. I know it'll all fall in place and that I need to like myself before I can expect someone else to like me.

I'm glad I'm not alone... I have a myspace and a facebook which helps a lot with keeping in touch with people.
There are lots of classes offered thru the park district that I think would be rad but they're at 4:00 p.m during the week...
Ill get by, I know I will... but thanks so much for brightenning my day.
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Old 07-27-2009, 12:02 AM   #7
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I'd say, find someone in your daily life that you'd like to know more about. Ask them questions, and when you find out you both have similar interests, invite that person to do something related to your common interest.

Volunteering is a good way to meet people, too. As long as you are regularly interacting with people in your environment, something is bound to happen.
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Old 07-27-2009, 12:14 AM   #8
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I'd suggest logging onto the Chicago Reader website and post a free ad looking for friends. Or grab a copy of the Reader and send an ad in. Since I've moved back to the midwest from NY I have the same situation - no girlfriends to hang with. No husband or significant other either. I'm in Wisconsin right now but I'd advertise in the Reader in a heartbeat if I moved back to the Chicago area. Also look on Craig's list. You'll find alot of people in your area that want to meet new friends.
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Old 07-27-2009, 12:16 AM   #9
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I'm kinda in the same boat too. I am not CONSCIOUSLY lonely all the time (which is a good thing!) but sometimes like you I will think about my life from what someone on the outside would be thinking and it makes me second guess a lot of things. I have many friends who are overseas or in other cities too and the net is lovely for keeping in touch, but as you said, sometimes I just want to go out for coffee or to the shops or just sit on the couch and giggle with a friend.

It does get harder as you get older to extend yourself to new people.

This part is off topic, but Hyacinth I love your avi!!!!! Makes me want to burst into "lady of the house speaaaaaaking".

Last edited by Madison; 07-27-2009 at 12:17 AM.
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Old 07-27-2009, 12:29 AM   #10
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try http://www.meetup.com/

maybe take another class, for a hobby, where you can meet other people. Like a wine tasting class.

Maybe some others from this forum live near you.

It is very important that you have your own life and not rely on your husband. You need to have something for yourself. Try to just get out more, be more open minded, try new things, new places.
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Old 07-27-2009, 12:39 AM   #11
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"But how do I make friends? Short of walking up to someone and asking if they want to be my friend, I don't know what to do."

This is where I get jealous of my children...They walk right up to someone and ask do you wanna play... I have children but I know the feeling it is hard letting someone in... It will fall into place just do the things you love... and remember you are NOT alone in feeling this... I think MOST adults do at some point or another.

Last edited by 4Tee2nfit; 07-27-2009 at 12:39 AM.
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Old 07-27-2009, 12:42 AM   #12
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Its funny I used to hear people in their mid 30's talk about this happening (where people would drift apart by distance or other things) and never thought I would be in this boat . . . but it happens!!! Its a good thing that I quite like my own company these days
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Old 07-27-2009, 01:27 AM   #13
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Consider an activity that is less structured than karate (not that you need to quit). In order for friendship to grow, there must be downtime when you can talk and get to know someone. An activity that allows for chatting would be great.

What are you passionate about? Is there a way to volunteer a little time and effort towards a cause that moves you? It could be anything from helping single Moms obtain better job skills to serving up food at a soup kitchen. Maybe it's promoting and organization or a sport. Lots of different possibilities depending on what YOU feel passionate about.

Most of my friends I've met through church or volunteer work. However, I'm kind of childlike in that I assume everyone wants to be my friend. You'd be SHOCKED at how often it's true. Everyone wants someone to reach out to them. Don't be the one waiting. If you're willing to stick a hand out, about 80% of the time I find others are willing to grab on.

1st goal- ONEDERLAND! Check!
2nd goal- Less than 194 (a number I've been stuck at before) CHECK!
3rd goal- Reach the 180's- haven't been there since 1999. CHECK!
4th goal- 180 which means hitting the 50 lbs. lost mark! Check!
5th goal- Switching to size goals now more than pounds goals. Goal is to make it to size 12, at whatever weight that happens. CHECK!
6th goal- Size 10! (can't even believe this is possible!)
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Old 07-27-2009, 05:07 PM   #14
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Hey ! Ive moved quite a few times, and although Im single, (well, my boyfriend lives in another country) I find that the challenge of meeting friends seems to be there independently of marital status.

One thing that has proven to work for me is join a club... I love hiking and mountain biking, so I look up a club in the area and sign up for the hikes and/or the mountain biking events ... and I make a point at going to the after events, like a beer or dinner after the hike... than the friends thing usually happens naturally, after a few hikes...

Maybe there is such a thing for golf ?? Where you can find people to play with ? Or if there are other things you like to do ??

I hope this helps !!
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Old 07-27-2009, 05:15 PM   #15
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I second MsDiana08 suggestion of meetup.com. I moved to a state where I know no one, I am single, and I work from home! I made the bulk of my current friends from singing in a Sweet Adelines chorus here, but had to drop that when my work schedule changed. The nice thing about people I've met through meetup.com is these are folks that are looking for friends with common interests so easy to fit in even if shy.
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