Hello all,
I have had some good quality alone time the past few weeks and done a lot of thinking and reflecting.... on life, love, weight and how they are all interconnected.
I am single, and totally OK with that. Or at least that's what I say... I am trying to figure this all out and wondering if any of you share this?
Basically... I have had a few solid relationships but they are never right. And I would definitely reather be single than with the wrong man. However, I have found that I gravitate for the wrong guys all too often... and walk away from the right ones... I do know a big reason is b/c I lost my father when I was young and have lingering fear of loss issues... however, I also think sometimes I use my weight as an excuse as to why I am not in a relationship... I find myself saying to myself things like..."I'm losing weight so I can find the love of my life" or "whhen I'm skinny, I'll feel sexy and then I'll find him".
So, I have been thinking... do I use my weight as a shield to protect myself from being abandoned/hurt/shield me from loss? And what if I do reach goal and still don't find him? Or still can't let him in?
I am afraid of and love male attention all in one at the same time... I love the feeling of male attention, but sometimes I get very uncomfortable when I feel like men are looking at me/checking me out... Sometimes I love feeling sexy and others I feel paranoid, unsexy and unworthy of being checked out.
Am I crazy?
I would think that at my age I would have this figured out... UGH.
Does anyone else feel this way?
And then there is this part of me who says WHO CARES WHAT MEN THINK? I am smart, successful, own my own car and my own house, have a great job, am getting my graduate degree while working full time... I am clearly successful, worthy... who the heck cares if I have male validation? You know what, I DO - and I HATE THAT I DO!!!