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Weight and love/relationship fears?

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Old 04-01-2009, 12:24 AM   #1
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Default Weight and love/relationship fears?

Hello all,

I have had some good quality alone time the past few weeks and done a lot of thinking and reflecting.... on life, love, weight and how they are all interconnected.

I am single, and totally OK with that. Or at least that's what I say... I am trying to figure this all out and wondering if any of you share this?

Basically... I have had a few solid relationships but they are never right. And I would definitely reather be single than with the wrong man. However, I have found that I gravitate for the wrong guys all too often... and walk away from the right ones... I do know a big reason is b/c I lost my father when I was young and have lingering fear of loss issues... however, I also think sometimes I use my weight as an excuse as to why I am not in a relationship... I find myself saying to myself things like..."I'm losing weight so I can find the love of my life" or "whhen I'm skinny, I'll feel sexy and then I'll find him".

So, I have been thinking... do I use my weight as a shield to protect myself from being abandoned/hurt/shield me from loss? And what if I do reach goal and still don't find him? Or still can't let him in?

I am afraid of and love male attention all in one at the same time... I love the feeling of male attention, but sometimes I get very uncomfortable when I feel like men are looking at me/checking me out... Sometimes I love feeling sexy and others I feel paranoid, unsexy and unworthy of being checked out.

Am I crazy?

I would think that at my age I would have this figured out... UGH.

Does anyone else feel this way?

And then there is this part of me who says WHO CARES WHAT MEN THINK? I am smart, successful, own my own car and my own house, have a great job, am getting my graduate degree while working full time... I am clearly successful, worthy... who the heck cares if I have male validation? You know what, I DO - and I HATE THAT I DO!!!
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Old 04-01-2009, 12:34 AM   #2
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I have a similar story. I was very self confident (still am but not to the same extent) but wanted to date. I guess the only way I felt comfortable finding a guy was online dating. I had pictures on there but you know how you can angle the camera so you can appear slimmer, well I did that. So if I guy wanted to meet I'd play the whole "oh I'm sorta fat so.... yah". Well, that motive didn't work as I did go out and meet those guys but it just never worked out. One day, I said screw it! I went out and met a guy and didn't even say "oh by the way, this is what I really looked like". We have been dating for over a year!

My point? I guess it's the old saying "you have to love yourself first before anyone else can love you". My other point, men can pick up on your confidence level and believe me, most of them are attractive to high self esteem than those who are not.

And look at your last paragraph - look at all those amazing things about yourself! I'm just gonna say here that you need to go ahead and say "screw it" and start loving yourself. Go out and make yourself pretty, have a bubble bath, etc. etc. and I'm sure one guy will just fall on your lap. They usually do when your not looking!

Hope this helps somewhat.
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Old 04-01-2009, 12:40 AM   #3
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Thanks! I am working on that - the loving mysel fthing! It's hard, but yes, I can definitely do it. Positive self affirmations!!!

What I struggle with, still, is using my weight as a shield/excuse not to get involved. Why am I so scared? UGH. Hiding behind the 15-20 extra pounds I have carried around since my dad passed is not doing anybody, myself especially, any good!
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Old 04-01-2009, 03:15 AM   #4
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Have you tried counseling of any sorts?

It seems to me that there is a bigger root to your problem, as you said yourself a few times in this thread; you "shield" yourself with your extra weight so you can "protect". Why do you feel that you need to do this? I think your emotional fear has taken over you and once you have found out what this fear is, you can work on overcoming it and it will be the next step in this journey for you.
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Old 04-01-2009, 11:08 AM   #5
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Just wanted to give you some
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Old 04-03-2009, 06:39 PM   #6
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Oh I think every woman feels that way.. .no matter whats their weight..
i always did.. Seemed like the time i said. Oh whatever... is the time I met my husband..
Now i am about 30 lbs lighter and falling since we got together and at least now i know.. he will love me Thick or thin!
LOL..
ithink i still got about 20-25 lbs. before i feel confident..
i always feellike im the one. everyone stare at.. you know..
but doenst really stop me from doing much..

You get out there. show the world what a beautiful person you are!
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Old 04-04-2009, 06:34 PM   #7
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I felt the exact same way, and had for many years. Someone recommended the book "Self Love" to me, and I must say, it has helped me quite a bit. Just a suggestion.. ) I hope you find what you are truly looking for.
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Old 04-04-2009, 06:39 PM   #8
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I am very much trying to get to that comfortable place ya'll are talking about..I want it so badly..my husband is making me feel very, very uncomfortable with it though....arrrghh..I know this is a total vent and I am sorry for that....I shielded myself with fat for so long I don't even know who I am sometimes now...every time I start feeling good something happens to knock me right back off balance again...I want to feel pretty and look pretty..I have worked my tailend off for it but I don't want to feel uncomfortable anymore..
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Old 04-05-2009, 07:23 AM   #9
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I know exactly where you are. Relationships are hard and right now I can only manage one hard thing at a time. So I'm picking me over a relationship or dating right now. I am (was?) dating someone but last night I realized that it isn't going the way I think it should be and I am not happy in it. I love myself too much to let anyone make me feel unimportant. So, for right now I am giving it up (or at least slowing it WAAAYY down). I have things to focus on other than him and me.....So, the gym is who I'm dating right now.
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Old 04-05-2009, 09:09 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by skinnychicagogirl View Post

Does anyone else feel this way?

And then there is this part of me who says WHO CARES WHAT MEN THINK? I am smart, successful, own my own car and my own house, have a great job, am getting my graduate degree while working full time... I am clearly successful, worthy... who the heck cares if I have male validation? You know what, I DO - and I HATE THAT I DO!!!


Of course you care - its a curse. We all care. Don't hate that you care. It's part of who you are. No, you don't need male validation, but dang, it sure does feel good doesn't it? That need to feel valued and loved is innate in all of us.

Yeah, you are shielding, but I see it as not wanting to leave yourself vulnerable. Definitely a trust issue to discuss with a professional.

Focus on your own validation! You ARE successful! You ARE a home owner! You ARE living a healthy lifestyle! You ARE an educated, upwardly mobile woman who can stand on her own!

There's nothing wrong with wanting to share that with someone else! You are growing and changing and becoming a better person just by evaluating this area of your life. Recognizing your emotional needs is very important. Keep at it - you'll get there and you'll find the right person when you do!

In the meantime - revel in the joy that is you!
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Old 04-05-2009, 09:20 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thighs Be Gone View Post
I am very much trying to get to that comfortable place ya'll are talking about..I want it so badly..my husband is making me feel very, very uncomfortable with it though....arrrghh..I know this is a total vent and I am sorry for that....I shielded myself with fat for so long I don't even know who I am sometimes now...every time I start feeling good something happens to knock me right back off balance again...I want to feel pretty and look pretty..I have worked my tailend off for it but I don't want to feel uncomfortable anymore..

There's a book a very dear friend of mine recommended and I found it to be wonderful. It's called 'Radical Acceptance' by Tara Brach. She's a psychologist and Buddhist meditation teacher.

While I am not Buddhist, I do think her words, mental challenges and exercises in the book are very helpful and lead you to understanding that accepting yourself does not mean you are self-centered. It is simply being comfortable in your own skin.

Another book that helped me was called 'Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy' by David Burns, M.D. Again it has exercises and things to do to retrain your thinking to a positive rather than negative mode. I didn't make it completely through the book yet because I got to a place that was difficult on a very personal level and had to take a break. I do think the book is excellent though and if you go online there is a workbook for it now too.

I read a lot so my recommendations may tend to be more book centered than people centered, but that's my chosen path. I'm sure a cognitive behavior therapist or meditation counselor would follow similar routes if you prefer people centered approach.

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Old 04-07-2009, 04:12 PM   #12
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Men are attracted to confidence more than a hot bod- at least men worth having are. The point in my life when I dated the most was NOT when I was the thinnest but rather when I realized what an awesome catch I was! It seemed like once I figured it out, so did men. Put yourself in places where you might meet great guys. Let your friends know you'd consider set up dates (those are great because you are expecting disaster so anything better than that is a plus).

I think you are over-analyizing it and getting analysis paralysis.
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Old 04-07-2009, 10:16 PM   #13
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I, too, am single and have a fairly pulled-together life. I've wondered about the correlation with that, too. I wonder if it's maybe not a matter of pushing them away, but them being intimidated? I also realize that the more success I create for myself, the less I am dependent on someone else to offer happiness.
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Old 04-11-2009, 10:54 PM   #14
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When I was 16 by boyfriend at the time said something quite wise to me. I was jealous of my friend who was always so skinny, very popular and I was always comparing myself to her. At the time I was not heavily overweight but around a size 12-14 AUS.

Anyway, he said to me that although she was attractive at first, looking deeper there wasn't much else of substance. Where as with me, I was more sensual and once you did look at me and how I moved, she was no longer the more attractive one.

Quite profound for a 16 year old boy but nonetheless it has stayed with me for ages. I think men can be a little more in depth than we give them credit for.

I don't think that the weight is the connecting dot as you said but rather your confidence is. The weight is just a symptom of your lack of confidence. Build your confidence and be comfortable for being you, skinny or overweight, and you will find love and companionship.
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Old 04-12-2009, 09:05 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hyacinth View Post
I, too, am single and have a fairly pulled-together life. I've wondered about the correlation with that, too. I wonder if it's maybe not a matter of pushing them away, but them being intimidated? I also realize that the more success I create for myself, the less I am dependent on someone else to offer happiness.
This would be me. I go back and forth between my self esteem issues (somedays it's great! Other days, not so much) - and thinking that maybe men are sometimes intimidated by me - aside from the fact that I'm tall, I've also done fairly well in my life. A few of the guys that work for me have told me that men are often very intimidated by successful women.

And I see you're tall too...hmmmm
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