[salsa chip]

Yesterday (or early today) my uncle died. He'd been in hospital, having tests for cancer, then he needed an operation but because he didn't have insurance the hospital demanded an obscene amount of money from his family up front...which my family couldn't afford.

I really want to go to his funeral but it's in another country and I would be a burden to my relatives there (they've got Big Flooding Problems) and to have an overseas cousin around who'd need looking after...it's not such a good idea. I'm planning to make a trip over there in a few months' time when (hopefully) things are less hectic and I won't be in the way so much.

My aunt, well, I don't know how she's doing, but they were always just so into each other that I can't imagine she's anything other than devastated (whilst holding it together because that's what society expects). They have two teenage boys, not much money at all, and making ends meet is always so tough. I feel guilty because I live in a relatively affluent country and have seemingly wittered away some of my earning years on travel and endless studying when people over there can't get a degree because they have to work. And even now I can't spare any funds for my family because my bills and living costs swallow up everything. I feel helpless and I hate it.

As for the weight loss...I have no idea. I haven't eaten much today, but much of what I have eaten wasn't particularly healthy. The scary thing is that whilst I don't binge - I've never had those urges to eat out the entire kitchen - I just don't care right now. I'm not eating the whole pack of chocolate mint biscuits (I normally let myself have one a day if I want it), but today I had three, just like that. I've planned what I'm eating tomorrow only because someone's coming round for dinner (sms: "I need to cook for someone, so if you want to eat here this weekend, that would be good."). It's not that I'm losing control, more like I'm tossing the reins away. Gah.

I know life does this to you. I know life is an unfair b*tch. I know it doesn't just happen to people who are trying to control their weight. But ffs...why my uncle? He's one of the hardest working people out there, for little pay, and now he's gone his family is in uncertain circumstances. He's one of the kindest men I've ever met. He adores my aunt, they're such a fantastic couple. I just don't get it. Bleh.

Ok, thanks for letting me moan/rant/emotionally dump here

[Onederchic]

Oh honey I am so so so sorry. You and your family are in my prayers

[Alana in Canada]

I am so sorry for your loss.

Why would you be a burden to your aunt if you went? I'm sure you would be helpful and supportive.

I remember when my Father died, my step mother's sister came down just to be with my stepmother. She looked after the kids, made sure my step mother had something to eat, made sure she was where she needed to be when she needed to be and protected her privacy. I don't know why I typed all that, it's probably irrelevant. But I do know your pain. My Dad was 42 when he passed away...suddenly, too....from a cancer they could do nothing about.

About your eating: Don't let go of the reins. Don't worry about today. But stick to your plan tomorrow. You Uncle sounds like the last person who would want to derail you.

[S.A.S.H]

Death is always hard to understand. I am very sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in our thoughts.

[starfishkitty]

This made made me want to cry and hold my loved ones even closer.... *sigh*

[CanadianCutie]

I'm so sorry. In times like these it's just as important to take care of yourself as it is others. (it's always important to take care of yourself, of course).

[momof5k]

So sorry for your loss

[salsa chip]

Thank you everyone for your condolences. My aunt has lots of people helping her with the practicalities (I'm not au fait with how things work over there). Looking after a white relative would be yet more trouble; they're cleaning up after typhoons and arranging a funeral.

At the moment I swing between weeping and being really, really mad. I'm not used to dealing with grief like this, just by having to deal with it: normally I jump into Action Mode and do stuff. But this time I can't, and it's so hard.

[Alana in Canada]

I'm sorry you can't be with them. That's hard.

Hit the gym. Run around the block--do whatever you need to do to burn off the extra energy if that's how you're feeling.

[AR4life]

Awe hun, I'm sorry to hear about your uncle passing. I know what you mean about doing things, keeping busy, helping out. You are being supportive without going to help out. Don't derail yourself, keep on your schedule and try and do what Alana said.
Take care

[cfmama]

oh sweetie... you need a big hug *hugs*

Taking care of YOU right now is important too... you can't control what is going on with your aunt and your uncles death... but you can control what you put in your mouth. And through careful planning that is one less thing that you have to think about.

*more hugs*