I have to come in here and admit I fell off the wagon. I got extremely stressed after my ex died and wound up having to go on an anti anxiety pill. And that says alot since I am extremely against meds most of the time. It was a nitemare I don't even want to talk about. It didn't even help and made it alot worse and alot of terrible side effects. I started packing on the pounds. I felt hungry all the time.
My anxiety got so bad at some points I felt like I couldn't breathe at all. And when you feel like that, you don't care how skinny you look. And between the cravings and the absolute insanity I just started eating everything and anything.
I was out of my mind with grief and fear and extreme anxiety. Part of me wonders if I had a nervous break down.
2 parents dying back to back at the end of 2004 and the beginning of 2005, a miscarriage at 4.5 months in April 2006, my ex dragging me thru a bloody divorce and having constant harrassment for years in every way shape and form. Then it was quiet for a year, then he came back again and my eldest dd sided with him.
She had also developed an extreme weight problem and wouldn't listen to anything I said, She told me she didn't care if she lived or died. After my ex came back she started getting interested in violent anime and cutting herself.
We got her counseling and took the anime away and it got worse and she was very hateful and angry and when my ex came back for round 2 she wanted to go live with him.
The judge didn't let her thank God. The reason I left him was cause he was violent. Anyhow, it was **** on wheels again.
It was an indescribable nitemare. He lied every time he turned around, called the cops for every piddly little thing. We didn't do anything wrong so nothing ever came of it but it was constant lies and harrassment.
Just to give an example this man even sent the cops to my house the day we buried my mom to with phony allegations, then when that didn't work he called my brother up to tell my dad he was going to come cut his other foot off. He was a diabetic and had lost a foot a few years before. Just an evil sick hateful man.
And this man was fighting me again for my kids, making up lies and my eldest wanted to go with him.
Anyhow, in the middle of the second go around he died. It was a huge relief, but at the same time it freaked me out. He was only 35 and it set off a huge chain of events in my life. Some of it survivors guilt, alot of it being extremely panicked and stressed all the time. Sometimes I wonder if I had a nervous breakdown, other times I wonder if I had post traumatic stress disorder.
I could go on, but I won't. I really think everyone dying really took its toll on me. I am off that damn pill now, have been for a long time but it has still taken this long to really be able to get it together in my head to put the pieces of my life back together.
The great news is I am still here, still alive. God, Joe and my kids have been my rock. My eldest dd and I have been able to repair our relationship this last 15 months and she isn't having the problems she had back then. SHe is happy, she is going to be graduating from high school soon,independent study. She even started working on her eating and started exercising and nags at me now about food! lol
Joe is doing very well in his job and we are getting ready to buy a house. Things have settled down alot and I am recovering.
I haven't changed my weights under my avatar yet. I think I gained about 30 pounds, but I am too scared to get on the scale.
I am guesstimating by how I look in the mirror. I have been various weights before so....
I am not going to worry about it though. I have been thru **** and back and I have lost before so I know I can lose again. I have been back on track for about a month now and I am bound and determined to get back to where I was....and beyond.
Last month I walked 950 minutes and this month I am already at 189 or so. I am raring to go! I do want to add in here that walking has been such a huge part of my life that even when I was goofing up on food I was still fairly good about that. But then I hit slumps and I would get super depressed and I wouldn't walk at all for weeks at a time. Then I would start walking again.
It was up and down. I remember before turkey day last year walking alot but not watching my food much, when i seen the pics from that day I threw in the towel for a while. This year I had some trouble with my right heel hurting to the extreme. SO I was off the extra walking for a few months. But Now I am back on track 100% with walking and the food.
I didn't want to just jump back in without saying hi, or jump in and pretend that is the correct weight either. So I felt I needed to explain what I have been up to and where I am at.
Anyhow, hello to everyone. I look forward to meeting the new people here and getting reacquainted with the old ones.
I am back and gained some weight!
You've proved how strong you are. You will succeed 
