[Bumbleberry]

How can you tell when your girl friendships are changing, and how can you maintain them and avoid jealousy issues?

I ask because I have an inkling that jealousy issues may be springing forth as I lose weight. Some of my friends I have had for years, but there are some new ones where these friends have only known me as fat. As I slowly change from obese, to overweight, and eventually, to a regular size and then, at goal, fit -- I anticipate changes.

I don't want to over-think people's statements but I am starting to wonder whether certain friends of mine are trying to hold me down or hold me back and do not have my best interests at heart. One person in particular has given me several reasons to think she does not have my best interests at heart, due to some of her comments and actions.

How can you tell if someone is being true to you or whether their insecurities are getting in the way of their honest opinions?

[Delphi]

That is a good question...but a tough one. I've always said, let their character be your guide. Sometimes even those of profound character will have momentary lapse of tact or insensitivity but at the end of the day if said person, is someone I respect and I know deep down, they are genuine, then I don't find myself asking those types of questions about them. If you are unsure about someones intentions, then your gut is more than likely right, if you know this person quite well. A true friend is supportive of positive changes in your life..period!

[JayEll]

I don't know what "being true" means. We are only human. It's possible that the friend you're talking about is jealous if she is also overweight--so sometime when you're alone with her, ask her about the things she's said and done. See what she has to say for herself. I don't mean start an argument--just let her know that you've noticed her comments and actions and are confused by them.

Nothing beats open communication.

Jay

[Lori Bell]

I have a (very good) thin friend who started acting strange around me. (Actually she avoided me...which was strange). I finally asked her about it because I felt abandoned, and really thought she would be happy for me to get healthy. She confessed that she had a hard time around me because she was used to being the center of attention when we were together and *now* every time we are together in public, people stop ME and comment on my weight loss/ appearance. She said she felt like the "ugly side kick". (HA! she's a beauty!) I explained to her that was how I felt for the last 10 years of our friendship. She was really embarrassed , and never realize how much of a 2 way street our relationship was. Anyway, life is back to normal and we have fun..

[Reddalice]

Advice: Let go of the ones that don't fell right sooner rather than later.

My long time friend, the one I thought I would have till I died, the one that I thought love me the most- the way I love her the most out of my friends turned out to be the one thing that needed to be weeded from my life. Our journey started out together, ended quickly, and became polarized. As I dropped weight, felt good, and began getting out in the world she began gaining weight and closing down. At one point I projected my journey on her, I didn't think I'd make it by myself or if she gave up, it became about her. So she dug in her heals, accused me of becoming a different person, and began pushing her poor diet choices on me ("it won't kill you!" "Yes, actually it will eventually"). I just wanted to shout at her: "I'm not a different person, I'm just finally able to really be me. I'm finally accepting myself and not hiding." I thought that we were unshakable, unbreakable, and that she was friend with the real me (the one inside, not outside), but really... she and I became fat friends of convenience, hiding behind each other. Like weak animals, strength in numbers. I am different now, though, I've learned the signs of negative influences in future friends and I don't stand for that sabotage via jealousy anymore.

[Bumbleberry]

This thread is making me a little sad.

But it's nice to have a place to talk about these issues, and so far you've given great advice.

To clarify, by "being true", an example would be our discussion on our goal weights. My goal weight at our support group is 145, and when I told her that I wanted to change it to 140, to weigh the same as at my wedding, she seemed irritated and mentioned that I shouldn't change it but just go on medication to solve any unresolved health issues. Her goal weight is 150. So I do not know whether she is giving solid advice or just wants to weigh the same or less than I do -- which is silly because I'm shorter, but she's done a similar thing to one of our other friends, in the past.

Edit -- regarding the whole "health" thing, I had a physical before starting my weight loss journey, and I need for some of my "stats" to change (BP, for example) after I lose weight.

[JayEll]

With regard to your friend's comment, that's all about her, and not about you. That bit about medication is just weird! Tell her you'll set your goal wherever you like, thanks.

Jay

[georgiad]

I lost a lot of weight a few years ago and tbh I was more upset by how my friendships with men changed. I tend to have more male friends than female friends, I just relate better. But when I was big none of the guys took a second glance at me. Once I'd lost weight I became something of an 'object' to them and they only saw me in relation to whether they wanted to have sex with me or not.

In the end I ended up sleeping with a couple of guys who had been more like best friends than sex buddies, and it ruined the friendships.

I hope that when I lose the weight again (!) none of my friendships will change too much.

[Soon2BFitChick]

Wow, I am so with you. I know. It is a sad thread. Sad we have to have so many things change when we change. But it's the price we are going to have to pay. I've asked many many people about this because I saw it last time I got down to about 200. I'm not big chested and it's usually in my hips where I am biggest so when I'm down that low my upper body looks pretty good. I had friends' spouses start watching me alot and talking sorta weird and several women didn't chat as much. Just really was a problem to where I didn't want to lose any more. Yeah, I know. Nothing is worth not losing. But it was. And there are other issues for me. Like not wanting to be seen as 'small, weak, tiny, vulnerable, etc' because I'm tiny bodied. But my dad has health problems, mannny, because of obesity and I must change it for me. Now.

He gave me wisdom recently when I visited him. He said, Anything people say or do is about them. If they are rude or unkind because you are helping yourself to be healthier then you don't need them anyway. Find people who support you. And about being tiny and weak. He said that's all an illusion too. A false sense of security, and my husband agrees too. They said if I'm fit I can fend off someone because I have energy and strength more than now. Which is so true.

I just have to get over all this and over the fact that I will have more facial wrinkles, not much but some, as well as loose skin between my legs and on my stomach. But like someone on here just wrote, that can be concealed under clothes, obesity can't!! Bravo for that comment!!!!

Ok, off my soap box , just wanted to share my thoughts. I'm done with all the fears. I'm me. This weight isn't me. If they don't like me as myself, I sure don't need them.



Hugs, Selina

[Rosinante]

I have one female friend who really struggled last time I got low, she of 'but you're the same size as me!' comment I've mentioned before. (it was the 'but' that was the killer.

I do sometimes find her comments a bit irritating but I try to have compassion for her: I'm 13 years younger than her; I have better skin than her; I am more academically able than her. Maybe, although this may be over-thinking, maybe being thinner than me is the only thing she has to put in the balance of her self-esteem.

[InthePINK]

I had a friend who would encourage me with words, but she would undermine my weight loss efforts with her actions. The last time she invited me for lunch, she acted very thoughtful on the phone double-checking my diet limitations. I told her she didn't need to go out of her way for me, and I would just bring my lunch. After insisting, I arrived at her home to eat the food she prepared only to discover there were NO healthy food choices for me. And, she made my most tempting dessert...brownies. We don't have lunch anymore. Pink

[teawithsunshine]

I'm primarily of the opinion... if they cannot get beyond their jealousy and be supportive of you, then they're not really your friends to begin with

~ tea

I'll talk from the other side, from the side of the jealous friend that broke off the relationship.

Something changed for me, but not with my loosing weight, just with my friend's loosing weight.
She got in shape before I even decided to, we've always been 'fatty' at school, when we were in the same class, but you know life divides people, I have started working in a field and a city completely different from hers, we started seeing eachothers always less, and everytime I kept on noticing how the differences between us were getting bigger. Not only a matter or weight, but also our clothing style, friends, preferences, just about everything. we were like twin sisters in high school and 5 years later we were completely opposite people, that was a bit shocking.
In the middle of it, I was very down on my weight, and I felt I could do nothing about it. Instead, she picked up her butt and put off the pounds, I think the last time I had seen her I was about 210 and she must have been about 140, not quite the same, she was talking all the time about clothes, stiletto heels and whatever, I didn't feel able to tell anything in that conversation, I couldn't fit anywhere, and kept on wearing the same old pair of jeans because that was the only one that fit. I had not the same choice of clothes she had, I didn't fit anywhere, everything I tried on couldn't fit me, I couldn't feel sexy as much as she did as well, in a while I felt we had nothing to share anymore. More, talking to her was continuously putting me in a worst place, if I was depressed, after talking to her I'd be suicidal, felt a complete failure. I'm glad it's over, with her and with my 210 pounds.
We separated out ways, not bad I guess, if we didn't 'click' anymore, but yes that's a demonstration that weight can influence a friendship.

[futuresurferchick]

When you lose a lot of weight, it can be hard on the people in your life, whether they are jealous or not. People are generally resistant to change they can't control. You have fulfilled a certain role in their lives and now you are shaking things up!

To give people in your life the benefit of the doubt, they might just need time to sort of "re-negotiate" their relationship with you. If they are being outright rude, you might need to cut them off or confront them about it, but otherwise it might be better to be patient and give them some time to adjust to the new you. If they are true friends, then things will settle down soon enough.

[JulieJ08]

Rainy, that was a very honest post, and I think a valuable one. I think we focus a lot in these forums on some pretty high ideals, which is great, but for every one person who actually posts their real experience and feelings, I think there are hundreds who don't - and therefore end up feeling like they're the only one.

If we lose a friend when we lose weight, it may be because it's too painful for them, or lots of other reasons. But I do think there's a difference between what you described, and being outright rude or sabotaging toward a friend. That's a choice.