I apologize if this ends up being a long post, but there are some questions I feel I need to ask and some things that I feel I need to get off my chest. I was hoping that I could maybe hear the perspective from some moms in the group.
So, when I was 16 years old or so, I decided that I didn’t want kids, and I have pretty much stuck to that story from then until now. I always gave various reasons as to why I didn’t want them- I wanted to travel, I wanted to have lots of hobbies, I wanted to concentrate on my career, I wanted to do charity work, etc. etc. And I suppose in a way that those are valid reasons.
But with the recent onslaught of babies being born around me (I am getting to be in that age group now- marriages and babies abound), I have taken a little time to really and truly analyze WHY I don’t want babies. And here is what I have discovered:
I want babies. I am just convinced that they will destroy my marriage, and if it came to how much I want babies vs. how much I love my husband, I choose my husband.
Okay, so once I came to this conclusion- that I am afraid of babies, that I believe they are marriage destroyers – I realized that I needed to start really rethinking this, because that fear seems a little too irrational to be valid.
After some analysis of my childhood, I was able to kind of put some pieces together and figure out why I feel the way that I do about children. Here is some pretty personal back story:
My parents didn’t/don’t have the greatest marriage. I grew up listening to them fight on a pretty consistent basis. And I am not talking about minor disagreements, I am talking about full-on “I hate you”-“I wish we were never married”-“I need a divorce” kind of fights. And these fights, almost always, were about… “The kids”. I guess from an early age, I had kind of developed this idea that it was me and my sister’s fault that their marriage was always on the rocks.
My parents never did anything together. They went on a date, I think, twice in the entire time I lived at home. Only once did we ever go on vacation as a family. All the other times, it was my mom taking us kids, and my dad stayed home. My mom would tell me on a regular basis that we kids were more important than their marriage. One day, when I was about 9 or 10, I was emptying out the dishwasher and I told my mom “I want to be a good wife some day” (which is sad, because apparently, I thought doing the dishes = good wife, but I digress) and my mom turned to me and said “No, you shouldn’t care about being a good wife. You should care about being a good mom. That is the most important. Being a good mom is the greatest compliment you will ever get.” And that statement scared the living $h** out of me. Because the way I saw it at that age, that was why my mom and dad didn’t have a good marriage. I was convinced in my mom’s head, my sister and I had replaced my father, and that’s why they fought. And it was then that I started getting the idea that children = marriage destroyers.
Fast forward to now. We are at a fair (this is last weekend), and two of the most recent babies in my circle of friends are there, with their parents. Instantly, the women all separate from the men, and the babies hang out with the women (actually, one of the new dads hung out with the women, which upset some of the men, lol). So here I am, in the middle, just observing. The women coo and make funny faces and cuddle the babies and laugh… it’s ALL ABOUT THE BABIES. And then men, seemingly ostracized from the group, just kind of awkwardly stared at the women who could now no longer speak proper English (they are now speaking only baby-tongue). My husband stood FAR FAR AWAY from the women’s group. Later, when the women and men finally came back together, my husband pulled me aside and told me how scary that whole situation was to him. And I agreed. The whole scene seemed to just reaffirm everything that I had grown up believing- once the babies come into the women’s lives, the husbands seem to be replaced.
I guess what I am looking for is some kind of sign or proof that a couple can have a baby, and they can still be each other’s #1. I feel like today’s society is very baby-centric. All the tabloids are looking for “baby bumps” and there are all these shows on about families with 8 million kids, and shows like “baby story” and “bringing home baby”. Is there any room for a happy marriage in there?
So, here is what I am asking moms on here:
• If I were to wind up pregnant, how would I avoid having the baby destroy our marriage? Honestly, my husband is the most important thing in the world to me (well, besides myself, which I have learned is really important too). I would never want anything to come between us.
• Is it possible to love your husband as much as your children? I have heard from other women say that it’s not “okay” to love your spouse as much/ more than your kids. Why?
• How would I make sure that my husband didn’t feel replaced by the baby? How would I make him feel more involved if we were to have one?
I am sorry this was such a long post, but these thoughts have just really been bothering me. Somewhat because of all the babies being born, but also because my husband and I had a condom malfunction the day before I ovulated… and now, of course, I am faced with these questions “just in case”. Part of me is scared to death of the idea of a baby... but there's that other tiny part of me that seems okay with it.
I, too, am terrified of babies. I've got only a very small handful of friends and acquaintances who DON'T have babies. Those that do...well...one is currently separated from the dad because of issues not centered on the baby, but certainly because OF the baby; the other focuses her entire WORLD on the little boy, and her husband has nothing to do with him.
Men are weird. I don't know how many men I've been around who don't have a lot to do with a baby until he or she is older. To many men, babies, until they're mobile at least, are just big "things" that have to be fed and changed. They're not "fun" until they can interact with them. Another friend's husband rarely had anything to do with their son, wouldn't even WATCH him while she ran to the store, until he was nearly 2. Now they're best buddies.
I think you CAN have children without losing your marriage, but there will be an awkward time in there, for the majority of women, when our husbands just don't know what to do with themselves. Some women are blessed with husbands who will get up in the middle of the night for feedings, or will take the baby on a walk in the park on a warm day, without mom. They'll burp the baby and change its diaper.
Honestly, I'm not going to be that type of woman. If/when my husband and I have children, I already know I will be the one to take care of the feeding, changing, etc., until the child is older. I know that going in, and it's up to ME to NOT let that destroy my marriage.
If you go in with an understanding of what will occur, should occur and discuss with your husband what you WANT to occur, there's no reason why a child will do anything but bring you closer together, in the long run.
Interesting post. Before I had kids, I always thought of having babies as something that would make my husband and I closer together. I think it can go both ways. Any stress in a marriage will challenge your marriage, but if you're strong and love each other, you'll get through it. Also remember that babies grow up into kids and then teenagers and into adulthood. It's a lifelong commitment.
It didn't wreck either of my marriages. My first marriage wasn't with the right person and I knew that most of the time we were together. I brought two daughters into my second marriage and we had a third daughter together almost 2 years ago. I didn't like going through pregnancy with him, but he was great for the birth and is a great dad. It helps that we take turns with her. We do still go out. My ex actually watches her now and then for us. Most of the time, we prefer to do stuff with her. That's not to say that we don't have trying times. I think it's worse when they aren't sleeping through the night.
I grew up with my parents doing stuff together all the time, with and without me. I can see how your childhood has influenced your view, but you are not your mom and your husband is not your father. Marriage and kids are what you make of it.
Also, having an only child is much different than having more than one. My daughter was an only until she was 4 1/2. She was a breeze compared to having 3 now.
Babies don't destory marriages- marriages destroy themselves. People use their children as excuses. "Oh we have problems? Let's have a baby that will solve EVERYTHING!" Instead of working on their issues they bring in ANOTHER stresser and then half those people stick together in a bad marriage "for the kids."
Of course you can have a baby and still love your husband, of course you can have a baby and pay attention to your husband. Anyone who says otherwise isn't thinking IMO.
I have two sets of friends, those with kids who are still married and those with kids who are not married anymore. The ones who are still married are the ones who 1- kept their husband's very much involved in raising the children and 2- realized that their marriage needs just as much attention and did things about it. A great thing was/is date night, give the kids to grandma one night and go out, you and hubby, even if it's get some dinner then go home and have sex and pick up baby in the morning (usually done when baby is sleeping through the night now). The ones who realize that you have to do both, and have a good partner who is also involved with keeping the marriage alive AND taking care of the kids will make it.
SURE you have less time for each other because kids take up a lot of time- but both partners should have an understanding of this AND make an effort to take time out for each other when they can. Little things like putting the kids to bed then instead of cleaning the house (the mess will be there tomorrow) just going to bed and spending some time together helps.
Not to rag on your mom, but I'm sure you recognized her problem happened when she decided to put her children first and ignore your father- kids are here now go make money while I take care of them. Yeah men have feelings and need to be loved too. I mean who knows, maybe your parents had problems before you were born- but that doesn't mean you will too with your husband. If you have a good marriage and both recognize children are hard work AND that you need to remember the two of you still need each other, then you'll be fine.
Making him involved is easy- for one- when you have the baby shower- plan it together- pick food both men and women would like (co-ed baby showers are tons of fun). Heck if the guys like to BBQ let them live it up! That'll really make them feel involved if they cook all the meat lol. Then select activities everyone can enjoy. And trust me- men OOH AND AHH over the presents just as much as the women at these parties. Even having him involved in things like being your breathing coach and so on before the pregnancy helps him prepare for the next 18+ years to come
Buy him a book about having a kid and there are even those websites that when you are pregnant and go to it weekly/daily there are sections and even whole sites made for men, to know what to expect during pregnancy and help them understand what their wife is going through and so on during the pregnancy.
Their are great parenting books for fathers, and I'd have him involved in everything, from feeding to changing to bedtime, when I was born my parents would bathe me together. That helped my dad be involved. Let him try, if he fails, gently show him the right way so he feels like he's apart of it vs you just saying "oh just let me do it."
He'll appreciate his children more when he's doing things with you AND the two of you will definitely bond over your child
me ex husband was always jealous of the baby, jealous of the time i spent with the baby (changing, feeding, playing rocking etc). His petty jealousy just aggravated me so i showed him less attention.
I think a lot of the baby/child concern depends on the individual and the couple and their dynamic with each other and the rest of the world. Some people allow (and/or choose) that the baby/child will become the entire focus of their life, and that they will weigh their success/failure as a person by their success/failure as a parent. As soon as the child comes into their world, every choice, every decision, every action they take is focused on the child. And, in some cases, that can work out for the relationship - as long as both parents hold the same priorities (i.e. child comes first).
I'm also in the age group where couples are having children left and right. Some of them make choices that wouldn't work for me - one partner quits their job and becomes a full-time parent; or they arrange their lives around the baby (one mother of an 18-month-old proudly told me her child had never slept/napped anywhere but her own crib - which means she has NEVER spent more than 3-4 hours away from the house since the kid was born!); or they drop all non-parent friends and take no time for social interaction themselves.
On the other hand, there are people who, while they are happy to become parents, realize/choose that they are still people, too. They certainly do what they can to make sure the child has a good life/upbringing, but they also realize that a healthy childhood requires healthy parents - they schedule "date nights" and group social outings (with and without kids), they keep up their hobbies and gym time and other "personal time" activities, they balance work and marriage and parenthood and everything else in their lives as best they can.
You have to decide what you want for yourself and your life and relationships. You may continue to choose not to have kids; at the same time, there are plenty of people who continue to have a life and a healthy marriage while having children. No one's going to pretend that your life will not change when you have a kid - but it doesn't have to change who YOU are (and the relationship you have with your husband). Yes, you'll have stressful days, and deal with them as you do now. But you don't have to lose your self-identity into being solely (or primarily) a mother - I have a good friend with a toddler who is a mother but also a veterinarian, a triathlete, a good friend, a happy loving wife, a member of an SCA group and the leader of two different book clubs.
The same way that marrying your spouse doesn't change who you are or the relationship you have, becoming a parent doesn't (automatically) change you, either. You can choose to change your priorities and goals and such, but that's your choice.
Wow! Where do I begin?
For your first question, if you were to become pregnant...
There is no guarantee that a baby won't destroy the marriage, not everyone is cut out to be parents. If the thought of having a baby might ruin your marriage then don't have one and take precautions to make sure that doesn't happen.
For your second question, is it possible to love your husband as much as your children? I have one child, he is 12 and I've been married for 15 years. I love my son and my husband more than anything in the world, but as most mom's will say, giving birth to a child puts that love for the child in a whole different
category.
And for your third question, would your husband feel like he was being replaced...
If you both want a child, which you should definitely discuss, he won't feel that way. My husband is amazed at the bond my son and I have together and never makes any attempt to come between that bond. I also make sure as my son gets older that there are more and more father/son moments so they form their own bond.
Just sit down and discuss this with your husband so your both on the same wavelength. But speaking from my own experience, having a child is the most wonderful thing I have ever done.
I have 3 kids, and have been married 18 years, to a man I love, so here's my $.02 for what it's worth.
Babies are hard on a marriage. The sleep deprivation, figuring out who does what, differing parenting styles of mom and dad, being too tired for sex, just adjusting to having your life turned upside-down. Sometimes women (and even men) get post-partum depression. I had it with all three of my kids and it's a b**ch. Yes, babies are a trial for marriage.
They are also a joy. Being a mom is like being in a club you never knew existed until you became a member. Watching your baby grow and develop into their own person is so amazing it's impossible to put into words. It's love so strong you feel like you are wearing your heart on the outside of your body.
As they get older, it gets much easier, and they add so much to your lives. You can do stuff together, they start to develop a sense of humor, and interests, and really flesh out your family.
As for the priority between husband and kids, I think in order to be a really healthy family, your spouse has to come first-- or at least not come second to the kids. You and your husband are already a family. Whether you ever have kids or not you are a whole and complete family. You are the roots of the family tree, without healthy roots the branches can't be healthy. It is very difficult those first few years to nurture your marriage because your so busy nurturing your kids. But it can be done, it's just extra hard work.
If you set a few things in place, like you have a date night, you have a joint hobby outside of the children, you still do thoughtful little things for each other, that will go a long way. In fact I would actually ask your husband NOW what things you do that make him feel loved and appreciated, and write them down. I know that sounds silly, but baby = mush for brains.
Also another huge thing is moms seem to criticize the way dads parent. This in my opinion is a HUGE no-no. You can't expect your husband to take on an equal role in parenting if he's doing it "wrong." Dad's do parent a LOT differently from moms. I vowed I would never criticize my husband's parenting style (though my tongue was pretty sore from biting it so much ). Dad's love their kids just as much as moms, even though they forget the sunscreen, or let them eat dirt.
I think respecting your husband's parenting style will go a long way to helping him be involved, because although the mom does have to feed the baby (of course you can pump, but it doesn't work for everyone) other than that, there's no reason for the dad not to feel every bit as "involved" as the mom. The best thing to help your husband get involved, is to step out of the way and let him step up to the plate-- not feel like he's "helping." He's not "helping," he's the dad!!!
This of course means that your husband has to want a kid as much as you do. If he doesn't really want a baby, I would go the childless route. But if he wants a baby but is scared, like you, then I think your marriage would be able to meet the challenge.
Last edited by thinpossible; 04-01-2009 at 11:12 AM.
One additional comment that I lost track of in my previous post:
Stress happens. Life changes. Things are going to happen for you and to you that you have no control over. Financial hardships, injuries, illnesses, family problems, and so on.
This kind of stuff can bring you and your husband closer, or they can cause strain on your relationship (and will probably do both, at various points). Having (or not having) a child won't prevent you from having stresses on your relationship. There will be days when your husband isn't the most important thing in your life/on your mind, though he can make things a lot easier and a lot harder depending on the kind of person he is and the relationship you have. My husband is, on average, the most important person in my life, but that's not to say that my parents and brothers and friends and career don't take precedent on any given moment. And he's there for me when things are good and bad, and vice-versa.
You can't always predict/control what's going to happen, and you have to be confident enough in your relationship to know that you can survive whatever life throws at you (or that you can work on it, etc). This includes self-imposed stresses (like choosing to have a kid), or unexpected ones (my mother is currently in the hospital).
Babies do not destroy marriages. Yes babies are special but so is your relationship. I've seen so many women get absorbed into motherhood that they totally ignore their husband & the relationship. I've also seen a lot of women that value both.
Just make it a point to remember that just because you are a mother doesn't mean that you have to leave the rest of yourself behind.
I think why so often people say that mothers have to put their children before their marriage is a social fear of the extreme situation - when women stay with child abusers (or their own abusers, not even thinking of the damage that does to the children, just by making them witnesses to violence) because their fear of losing the husband was stronger than their need to protect their children. The children's needs often do have to come before either of the adult's needs, because so many of their needs can only be met by adults. You can't leave kids to "fend for themselves," so both parents do have to be able to put their needs aside when necessary, for the kids.
Children do not destroy marriages. They can be the "last straw" to a weak marriage, but as beerab's already said, it's common for couples to try to have a baby to try to save a weak marriage (children can't save a weak marriage, either).
However, I think before a person gets married, they have to ask themselves whether they are able to put someone else's needs above their own (not always, but at least some of the time, marriages require you to do this). You also have to ask whether you can put the need's of the marriage before the needs of you partner. And I think before having children, the question also needs to be asked whether you can when the need arises, put the children's needs ahead of the adult's needs, and the needs of the family ahead of the needs of the marriage. If the answer to any of those questions is no, then your chances of having a weak marriage and/or a weak family are greater.
I have a lot of strong marriage & family role models in my family. My husband and I have had to choose not to have kids because of health problems, and we're facing the other fear - that a marriage isn't complete without children. The luxury of that fear though is that we don't have much of a choice in the matter. No responsible child welfare agency would allow us to adopt a child with our health conditions, and having a biological child would be dangerous to myself and the child because of my health issues. So for us the answer is easy "tough luck."
If you're not ready to have a child for any reason, don't have one. It's easier to worry about the mistakes of "wish I had", than the mistakes of "wish I hadn't" which you can't undo.
As for the priority between husband and kids, I think in order to be a really healthy family, your spouse has to come first-- or at least not come second to the kids. You and your husband are already a family.
I really appreciate this statement. I feel like a lot of people don't treat a family as "complete" until there is a child or two. And I also very strongly agree that putting your husband first is important because a healthy marriage is the backbone of a balanced family. As a child, I think I would have been a heck of a lot happier if my mom had put my dad first.
I guess I just thought, based on the feedback and reaction from other moms that I know, that such thinking would be considered "sacreligious" because it doesn't put baby at #1.
While we are on the topic of children... is there anything wrong with only having 1? I know that as a kid, it was also drilled into my head that having only one child was bad because they wind up spoiled. But, personally, if I WAS going to get pregnant, I would only want one. Is it possible to raise an only child to be balanced, and social and un-spoiled? I do have one friend who was an only child... and she is an amazing person and not spoiled at all. And she seems to have a really good relationship with her parents.
It's absolutely possible to have one child who's balanced and not spoiled. My husband and I, if we have children, are planning only one. It all goes into how they're raised....a family with six children can spoil those six as much as a family with one child. If you give in to a child's every single whim, they'll be spoiled. They've got to have boundaries and limitations, and hear the word "NO" sometimes.
Children do not destroy marriages. They can be the "last straw" to a weak marriage, but as beerab's already said, it's common for couples to try to have a baby to try to save a weak marriage (children can't save a weak marriage, either).
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If you're not ready to have a child for any reason, don't have one. It's easier to worry about the mistakes of "wish I had", than the mistakes of "wish I hadn't" which you can't undo.
Kaplods, I agree with both statements here as well. Beerab did make a good point... that people try to use children to "save" the marriage. I would never do that. My husband and I have an amazing marriage, and I feel so blessed to have such a strong bond. But I agree that a lot of people do that... they either have a baby to save the marriage OR they don't feel "complete" on their own and they think that a baby will "complete them". Honestly, I wonder if those are the moms that let the babies totally rule their lives... if they were women who weren't happy with THEMSELVES and are trying to fill in the gaps with a baby. It's an interesting thought.
I also agree that I should have a baby until I am ready. However, like I said... we had a condom malfunction (I can't be on hormonal BC- it makes me feel like total poop, lol). Do I think I am actually pregnant? no... It is just forcing me to take a really deep look inside myself to figure out what I want, vs. what beliefs I have developed through an imperfect childhood.
OT- Do babies destroy marriages?
). Dad's love their kids just as much as moms, even though they forget the sunscreen, or let them eat dirt.
