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Old 03-30-2009, 10:59 PM   #170
littletortugalover's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Savannah, GA
Posts: 31

S/C/G: 231/156/150

Height: 5'8''

Default INtroducing myself!

My name is Jessica, I am 27.

I grew up obese. My family was all obese. I ate a lot; we all did. I also stole and hid food--not sure why. I did that up til my freshman year of college--can we say I was the WORST roommate ever?? At least once I went to a warehouse-type store and bought a retail box of candy--the kind you buy if you own a convenience store--and ate it within a few days. I always swore I'd never binge and purge--at least, never purge. I was sure that throwing up my food wouldn't help me learn the over-eating lesson, and would plunge me down the narrow rabbit hole of bulimia. So I'd eat until it hurt, especially when with other people. I couldn't stop til it was too late. I blamed my mom for teaching me bad habits, for emotionally abusing and neglecting me, etc. It wasn't until a kind friend reached out to me that I started thinking maybe I could try losing weight--and it wasn't until I realized that my mom may have made me a fat kid, but I'D made me a fat adult, that I could really own my weight, whatever it was--and change myself.

* Is this the first time or one of many times that you've tried to lose weight?

I struck gold on the second attempt. The first was just very ill-informed, so I was kinda sunk from the start.

* Are you where you want to be?

Yes and no. I feel like I could lose my five more pounds and be numbers-happy for the rest of my life, but I am flabby and have loose areas that I really want to tone. I feel like that is attainable for me for the first time. If the scale never budged again, I guess that's be fine. But I DO need to lower my body fat, so that's my next big thing.

* How has life changed for you since you've lost the weight?

Hmm, let's see, I got my first kiss! And a lot of other firsts. I am engaged. I have a lot more confidence and ownership of my life now. I care about myself, I like who I see in the mirror. I can ride amusement park rides, and horses. I can sit on play equipment with my friends' children and not worry about breaking it. I ride a motorcycle now...something I would NEVER have done, in a million years, before I lost weight. At least in part because I was so certain I would suck at it. I wear regular clothes, pretty dresses, cute underwear--no more Just My Size, etc. I have a way smaller chest now, but I also don't have a "Shelf" under my bra band. Little things like that make me feel like I fit myself now, when I never did before. People who meet me now and find out I used to be fat won't believe it. People don't see fat first, me second. That's huge. I eat more frequently. I eat SOY! Tofu! Veggies! (sometimes). My favorite foods are the same, and I still eat them, I just realize that there are a lot of ways to prepare things like pizza without loading up on bad stuff. I make a lot of foods at home. I eat a lot less red meat. I can walk places and not get winded--ditto for stairs. I can run when I want! Sometimes I run across the room when it isn't necessary just to do it. I am not afraid of being looked at anymore.

* If you're maintaining, what's that like for you?
It's a lot of habitual behavior, being easy and hard on myself at the same time. It means watching my portions without even thinking twice. It means eating sweets if I want, but integrating it into a whole eating plan and being mindful that if I eat too much of one thing, I am going to miss out on a lot of other really tasty and satisfying food--but I have the strength to hold myself to that consequence. It means realizing that my diet is fluid. It changes. It means listening to my body. It means working out often enough, and with purpose. It means eating, and really loving food--more now than I ever have. I can ALWAYS CLEAN MY PLATE if I serve myself sensibly to begin with.

* Do you exercise regularly?

I have been. Currently I am between gyms and it is hard. I do yoga and pilates at home when i can't go to the gym. But for the last month it has been tough.

* Now that you're near or at your goal, what are your concerns?

The honest truth? I am terrified to get pregnant. Terrified. I cannot even imagine what it would be like to get fat again. I want to be a mom someday, but I am really afraid. I don't want to be like my mom, who got fatter with every child, until she couldn't do anything fun with us. Not wanting to be like her is one of the things that kickstarted me into losing weight to begin with.

It's cool to be here. For a long time I wanted no one to know I'd been fat, because I just so desperately wanted to be normal. But I can feel proud of who I am, who I was--not just a sad, fat girl, but a fat girl strong enough to change her life a pound at a time.

That's me! I have a dog and a man I love who supports me in my goals and is committed to helping when I need it--we eat together, work out together, etc. He's an athlete/body builder of sorts, so he is helping me get some muscle!! I Will Never, Ever weigh what I once did. I will never again be obese. That is my commitment, and its been...4 years since I lost my first 50! (now 75 and counting.)
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