[Here we go again]

So I've been doing a lot of thinking during this process of losing weight. I've been able to do things that I never thought I could do. Run in front of people and feel strong, bike 10 miles, wear clothes that aren't in the plus section.

I have always been the big girl all of my life. I'm 5'11. I was a size 10 in 6th grade at 5'7. I have always been big, it was who I was. I now feel with every pound and inch I lose, I'm shedding the lie of the person I was. I was defined as being big and not who I was. I always felt like people were thinking or talking about me when I walked in a room. I had those constant thoughts of: Will this chair hold me? Can I really fit in that last seat on that bench? How can I sit in between two people in the middle seat? Am I showing too many fat rolls? How can I eat in front of people, will they laugh?

It's crazy thoughts that I would have. I always felt like a person trapped in the constraints of fat. I would settle for bad boyfriends that would "accept me" but treat me like crap. I never thought I would be worthy of anything good. Sure, to the world I looked like a confident woman who had it all together. But the truth was, I was hurting and screaming for something to change.

As I lose the weight, sometimes I feel like I'm shedding my armour of protection. I can no longer hide behind my fat. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot to lose still, but it's amazing what 39 inches and 30 pounds does to you.

Sorry I'm thinking out loud, but I was wondering if others ever have had these feeling. I don't think my personality is changing but I feel that the true person I am is finally coming out to play. I know that I will change more as I go on this journey, but it's amazing to see it happening inside as well as outside.

Am I the only one, or have others found this to be true too?

[futuresurferchick]

Oh yeah, absolutely. You're letting more of who you really are come out and it's wonderful. It is like armour because as you start to participate more in the world and live in your body and allow yourself to want the things that "normal" people want, you become more vulnerable. But you also become stronger and more confident and you rise to the challenge. It's great!

BTW props that you can bike 10 miles!

[Robot]

Let me just say, congrats on the 39 inches lost.

I do know how you feel. I try to portray myself as a person that isn't bothered by my weight, but on the inside, I'm screaming. I know once this weight is off, the world will see the real me, and it is a little scary. I do know however, that I would rather be that way then the way I am now.

[QTestRDH]

I know exactly how you feel! I too always come off as confident but on the inside I'm praying no one makes a comment about my weight because it just tears me apart. And now even those comments don't hurt cause I know I'm doing something about it, so their opinion doesn't even register anymore!

[futuresurferchick]

Originally Posted by QTestRDH

I know exactly how you feel! I too always come off as confident but on the inside I'm praying no one makes a comment about my weight because it just tears me apart. And now even those comments don't hurt cause I know I'm doing something about it, so their opinion doesn't even register anymore!

I have had that same experience. For me, I think it came from the new sense of control I had over the situation. The fact that I was fat no longer had the same overwhelming sense of shame attached to it. It wasn't who I was, it was just a problem that I had that I was dealing with. Once I was losing weight/had lost a significant amount, being fat was no longer so tied to my self-identity so it wasn't so threatening to think about or for others to think about.

[schmalger]

Here we go again, I know exactly how you feel. I've only just begun this journey, but so much of what you said are things that I've thought my whole life. While I can't wait for the day that I don't have to worry whether or not that chair will hold me and things of that nature, I also wonder and worry what it will be like when I no longer have a massive layer of fat to hide behind. I've alternated between feeling like I'm immediately noticed because I'm fat to feeling more invisible if that makes any sense. I feel like people are either repulsed by me or they don't notice me at all. I even wonder whether I will have a hard time finding a "real" job once I graduate in May because of my size.

But I alternately wonder if I will simply be accepted later because I am smaller (because I will be much smaller). What will it be like to not think that everyone *just* knows me as FAT "schmalger" and nothing more? Will I replace those insecurities with new ones? That's what I'm afraid of, but I sure hope that will not be the case. I hope I will gain confidence along the way, because that is something that I've never had - confidence.

I have always been pretty defensive - not verbally so, just having massive walls up around me. I always try to avoid *really* letting people in, including my family. And I think so much of that is because of my insecurities. It is both thrilling and terrifying thinking about how weight-loss/improved health will affect me. Who will replace "fat schmalger?" Whoever it is, I hope she's still pretty cool.

[futuresurferchick]

Originally Posted by schmalger

But I alternately wonder if I will simply be accepted later because I am smaller (because I will be much smaller). What will it be like to not think that everyone *just* knows me as FAT "schmalger" and nothing more? Will I replace those insecurities with new ones? That's what I'm afraid of, but I sure hope that will not be the case. I hope I will gain confidence along the way, because that is something that I've never had - confidence.

I think most people, especially women, experience some insecurities, so in a sense it's true that you will probably "replace" your insecurities with new ones. But you WILL be more confident and more able to deal with it. You will feel strong, that you can accomplish your goals. That's my prediction.

[RememberHowToSmile]

100%. I use to hide behind my weight. I let it define who I am. I never had a real relationship because I didn't think people wanted me in that way. I still have trouble connecting with people. I never wanted to speak in public because I thought people would think I was dumb. I was hesident to try anything new.

Now, everyone says I'm a compeletly different person. Not just becuase I look different but becuase I am have a new sense of self-confidence. I no longer fell like I need to dress in a certain way or do things to make people like me. I have come to the conclusion that people can like me for who I am or I don't need them in my life. My sibilings are always making comments about who since I got thin my attitude has changed.

One of my best friends, who met me when I was like 275, and is a guy, was talking with me about my plastic surgery and when I said some people are criticizing me for it reply with you've undergone such a big change since I met you (that was 2 and half years ago) and it just isn't a weight change it is a lifestyle change, your not the same person. I think what he was getting at was that I was doing it to make my body match the new me and that the new me was a more confident and better person.

[Squirrelygirl]

I began to gain weight at age 8 after my parents divorced. I don't know if eating was a coping mechanism but I think it was a mix of being a picky eater and trying to comfort myself. Anyway, at 15 I was 170 and 5'0". I wore a size 14. I had a great group of friends whom I loved but was totally insecure about my weight. I thought that people probably always saw me as fat and ugly, I hated wearing a bathing suit in public etc. I spent the entire summer between 10th grade and 11th grade slimming down to 115lbs and a size 2. I was happy but I never saw myself as thin.

Even though I lost a lot of weight I have always seen myself as a fat girl. No matter how many times my friends or family or husband tell me I look great I can't see it.

I gained a bit of weight in my first year of University and was a size 4. Looking back at photos I was thin and good looking but not too skeleton like. I thought I was massively fat!

In my fourth year I gained back up to 151lbs. I still wore a size 8 and my husband and friends were surprised when I told them because I carry my weight well and they didn't think I had gained more than maybe 10lbs - not nearly 25lbs! So again I felt super fat.

I have now lost 13lbs and in terms of clothing size I am a few inches from fitting comfortably in my size 4's again (they are still a bit tight) and although I am really happy I still think I am fat and it isn't good enough.

Will I always feel like a fat girl? Does anyone else who lost weight after being heavier still feel as fat as before?

[sh3l5]

yer....
im noticing a huge difference within myself too....
true personality coming out instead of having to hide behind the FAT shelz....
its truly amazing what weight loss can do to you....
its just a shame about the saggy skin that accompanies it!!....

[Thighs Be Gone]

I played the "fat momma" role because it meant I didn't have to compete with all the skinnies that dominate my area. I know most of the U.S. is fat or whatever but NOT WHERE I LIVE--this is the land of the size 2 and 4 jeans. As long as I was fat momma, the room mom, the school board member, the lady with the best decorated house, the cleanest house, then I was acceptable on a different level.

It's all about me now. I don't care if my dishes are stacked in my sink--they are there because I didn't go through the McDonalds drive-thru today. I don't care if my floors aren't swept--I didn't have time to clean after working out today. Lastly, it is not my SOLE responsibility to plan every party at the school. There are 21 other moms that have kids in the class and they need to get busy making plans and making phone calls too. I probably won't have time to do everything this year because I am too busy figuring out what I wear to the school the next time I come.

Okay, this turned into a bit of a rant. I put unrealistic pressures on myself before and lost sight of what is really important to me. I pigeon holed myself and allowed everyone around me to do the same. I am in the process of redefining that role. I have to say though, I am LOVING it.

[Ufi]

Sometimes the idea of not being fat scares me. It has been such a part of my identity for so long, I don't know how my life will be different. What if I've been using the fat as an excuse for things and don't like what I end up with when I no longer have the excuse of fat? I have to keep reminding myself that I will be my own armour, my words and my actions, that I don't need the fat as a substitute anymore.

[Here we go again]

I think this thread is the most transparent I've ever been on here. It talks about things that I normally don't vocalize.

Future- Thanks for the props, I never thought I would be able to do it. You're so right. There is a vulnerability that comes with losing weight, I don't think most people talk about it.

Robot- Isn't it funny how we portray ourselves like we are fine but screaming on the inside? I always thought that I was alone in feeling that way. Sometimes I feel that I will need to still have an armour b/c people are starting to look at me and my looks and not who I am.

Qtest/ Future- I totally understand. Sometimes when I talk to people there is still a side of me that still cringes in the inside. Do they still think I'm fat? Will I always be that fat kid? But in the same breath, I feel strong and confident. If I can do this... keep going when I don't feel like, make healthy choices when everything in me is saying no, then I can truly do anything. I have always been a passionate person, but I feel like I've harnessed it into something benefits me. No longer am I taking care of everyone else, for the first time it's about me. I'm not doing it for anyone else. The decisions that I make everyday in the secret place when no one is looking are the decisions that will bring me closer to my goal.

Remember- Thanks for sharing. I really admire what you've been through. Do you think as you keep going that you will eventually connect with people more?

Squi- I have often wondered that. I don't want to look at pictures even now and cringe and think I'm fat. I looked at pictures from 12 years ago of me. I was 5'11 and a size 14 and I thought I was huge! I looked so skinny. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to see a picture of me and not say oh I'm fat, but oh I'm getting so healthy!

Shl5- Do you think you've found the real you?

Thighs- I think we all put unrealistic pressure on ourselves. I think even when we're all skinny, we will still do it. Maybe not in the area of health but in some aspect.

Ufi- I don't know if I want to be my own armour. You know what I mean? I know that in this world we all have to some armour, but where is that balance? I don't want to keep everyone out but I don't want to let everyone in. I don't want people treating me different b/c I'm not the fat girl anymore either. I think its the way of human nature that we will be treated different, but I don't want to be defined by that either.

Here's to us sexy women of shedding our identity in being fat!

[prepping]

HWGA, I just wanted to say that you have one of the best attitudes I've ever encountered in regards to becoming a healthier you!! That in itself is absolutely wonderful. If I had to put money on it, I would definately bet that you will reach your goals!

[Here we go again]

Originally Posted by preppingbride

HWGA, I just wanted to say that you have one of the best attitudes I've ever encountered in regards to becoming a healthier you!! That in itself is absolutely wonderful. If I had to put money on it, I would definately bet that you will reach your goals!

Wow! Thank you so much. I really appreciate that b/c most of the time I'm fighting to keep my head above water. Wow! That really made my day.