rude comments reserved for weight, think again! - 3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community

DisgruntledOne · 11-23-2008, 01:02 AM

I have noticed a few threads about other people making rude or disrespectful comments about either people's weight loss or how much prettier one will be when they lose weight. The general response from fellow chicks was these people just run their mouths without thinking. I want everybody to know those kind of comments are not just reserved for weight.
I have volunteered in a hospital for about 2 years now. I do work a regular job mon-fri. My volunteering is on saturdays. If one more person makes one more lame comment to me about this I swear I will scream!!!!! I get these comments regularly. "you volunteer every week? Doing community service for something?"(in my state you can do community service when you are not able to pay for some court stuff like court fees and tickets) "What, you don't have anything else to do?" "You don't have kids?" " wow my time is too valuable to do that every week!" " you ain't got a man to spend time with?". WTH!!! Then they act like I'm a freak when I say "yes I do have other stuff to do(kinda a lie but still...) but ya get in life what you give out". Unfortunately in my mind I think "thanks for reminding me i'm a loser with no man and nothing to do!!!". Makes me wish I had a pie.........to throw in their faces!!!(kidding I would never do that)

Primm · 11-23-2008, 01:20 AM

I often find that people who make comments like that are compensating for their guilt. They are aware that there are people like you (and me! I'm a Scout leader, and my kids aren't even in Scouts any more) out there, and when we are in their faces they are confronted with the fact that they don't do anything to improve society, and it frightens them. So they react with rude and thoughtless comments to try and detract from the fact that they are lazy and selfish.

That's my take on it, anyway!

kaplods · 11-23-2008, 01:35 AM

I think most rudeness generally is thoughtless. Whatever the subject, most people aren't being intentionally rude, they just have poor social skills or don't realize what they're saying sounds like on the other side.

Intentional rudeness is another matter, but again, no one is immune from rudeness, intentional or otherwise.

What sometimes does surprise me (whether the rudeness is related to fat/dieting or something else) - is the people who have no problem being civil and even seem to go out of their way to be polite in most circumstances, but seem to have a blind spot in regard to one or two pet topics. It can just be a shock to hear something stupid/horrible come out of the mouths of someone who is sweet and considerate in almost all other areas.

It probably shouldn't be a surprise. I mean no one is perfect, and I guess it's to be expected that any person can be caught with their "ignorance showing" occasionally. I think it's just incongruous at times to see a person consider one subject taboo, and yet feel completely free to be rude or even cruel on another subject.

It isn't the person who is rude to everyone that is such a shock. It's the person who wouldn't dream of being so inconsiderate except on a select few pet topics, and you're left wondering why on earth they selected that particular topic for their soap box.

Soccerplayer · 11-23-2008, 02:05 AM

wow, I can't believe those people.
Volunteers give their time for other people, we should be thanking them. I try to volunteer whenever I can, I like helping people.
People who say that are the ones that are lame.

BillBlueEyes · 11-23-2008, 05:58 AM

Ouch. Tough to have to fend off comments that minimize your contributions. Kudos for keeping your own head clear that it's about them, not about you.

I agree with the prior posters - many people aren't prepared to just graciously acknowledge something good without trying to justify to themselves why they aren't doing the same thing.

I've seen it happen to a couple who have two small dogs who require a lot of their attention. People rather thoughtlessly say "Oh, it's because you don't have children." Hello ... maybe it's no children by choice, maybe not by choice. But more importantly it's irrelevant, the difficult care of small dogs is their thing; it doesn't detract from anyone who followed a different path in life.

Oh, and Kudos for the volunteer work; most hospitals around here would fold immediately if not for their volunteers. And they need them week after week, duh, they seem to have patients week after week.

EZMONEY · 11-23-2008, 09:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DisgruntledOne

......Makes me wish I had a pie.........to throw in their faces!!!(kidding I would never do that)

Perfect! How about just picturing that pie hitting their faces as you smile and politely say "Thank you for your opinion"

We have enough struggles in our own lives without allowing other's misery to drag us down. You are doing the right thing to help you along your path to happiness....

Where can I send some whipped cream to assist you in re-loading?

nelie · 11-23-2008, 09:49 AM

The funny one is 'you can do that because you don't have kids'. I do have 2 dogs, 2 cats. My husband and I juggle our work schedule and our activity schedule based on the fact that we have 2 dogs and 2 cats. I think its even harder with dogs because with kids, at least you can take them places.

Slashnl · 11-23-2008, 10:52 AM

I have to agree with all of this, too. I've heard it over and over. It definitely is not reserved for the overweight!
As DisgruntledOne said, people are just so self-absorbed. I was at a 7th grade, C-team basketball tournament this weekend. Keep in mind that "C team" consists of the boys that didn't make A or B teams. My son, a football player, is on the C team. He does it for fun and to stay in shape for football, his real love. Anyway, these are the kids that are just having fun, wanting to learn a little bit more about basketball, and maybe just aren't as skilled. I was amazed to hear a dad from the other team, standing behind us, continue to berate the referee's, calling out the travelling and double dribbles, wondering out loud why one of the better players was taken out of the game (duh... they get equal time), and cheering when one of our guys made a mistake. I was furious at the end of the game. What I wanted to say was, "Dude! This is C TEAM 7th GRADE basketball! Not the NBA! Most of these kids will NOT be playing basketball in high school! And you are not the basketball guru of the tournament. Relax!!!!" Instead, I looked him in the eye and said, "Sportsmanship, buddy." And I walked off.

Anyway, it is a lack of social graces and a lack of consideration for others.

WebRover · 11-23-2008, 10:58 AM

So what can we do differently ourselves to improve this situation?

We can/I can just say "Thank you for being a volunteer" the next time I'm speaking or corresponding with a
parent volunteer for the band/chorus/sport booster club.
pink lady or other hospital volunteer
GS leader, BS leader, camp parent, cookie drive mom
PTSA/PTA officer, committee member
HOA officer or member of the Architecture Board
School volunteers (kid or adult) for tutoring, classroom assistance
the Teacher who yes is paid to regular schooltime, but volunteers time with extra activities for kids.

The timing seems right, this being the beginning of Thanksgiving week. I challenge myself to thank at least one volunteer in the next week. I'll come back and report on it. I'd love to see some of you join me.

Ruthxxx · 11-23-2008, 11:43 AM

What a good idea, Webrover! I volunteer 15-20 hours per week and have never run into such rudeness but I'm sure others have. I do sometimes hear "Well, it gives you something to do." Oy! That's thoughtless rather than rude.

This week I will thank as many other volunteers as I meet!

kaplods · 11-23-2008, 01:01 PM

Some of it could also be life experiences. If someone asks if you have community service to do, it could be an innocent, non-judgemental question, based on their life experiences. In their life experience, in their circles of friends and family, volunteer work isn't something you do just because you have the urge to be nice. In that sense, to them you are a freak - they don't know anybody that does what you're doing unless they're ordered to by the court - they can't relate to someone with that kind of "free time."

If it's coming from people in the poorest paid positions, it's actually quite understandable. If you don't feel appreciated, it can be very difficult to appreciate others. Also, if you're struggling to feed your family, working for no pay - for strangers, seems like the most pointless activity in the world.

When I worked as a probation officer I found out how many of the things I took for granted, were alien concepts to some of the people I worked with. I had to persuade one woman that an alarm clock was a necessity for her to keep her job (she was coming in late, because she'd overslept). Now, it might seem that the woman was being intentionally stupid (I mean who doesn't own - or at least understand the concept of an alarm clock) - but she'd been raised in a welfare family. Not only was she the first in her immediate family to hold an actual job, her family had never owned an alarm clock, so while she knew what they were, had never thought to purchase one, and in fact was a bit intimidated by the concept. She didn't understand that they were easy to use. I had to encourage her that if she didn't understand the instructions (they come with instructions?!), she could bring in the clock and the instructions, and I'd show her how to do it.

To not seem rude, I had to act, despite my personal stupefication, as though it was perfectly normal not to know how to use an alarm clock. I'm not sure I pulled it off, and so I know I probably was rude in that I made her feel even worse for having to admit she didn't have the foggiest clue how to use one.

When you think about it - rudeness is perceived when one oversteps the bounds of what is considered normal and acceptable. However what is normal and acceptable is not universal, it's determined by our culture and subcultures (and we're each members of not one, but dozens of subcultures).

Because of the jobs I had, in which it was a job requirement to assume ignorance before insult, I generally am able to give the benefit of the doubt and consider all but the overtly hostile comments as innocently-intended. But that has it's own "backfire," as I'm a very open person, so I tend to respond to an invasive question (that I take as innocently intended) and respond with as equally an invasive question (and if the person takes offense, I end up feeling "well you started it").

People are weird, funny, crazy.....

JulieJ08 · 11-23-2008, 01:13 PM

All purpose answer, "How rude!"

rodeogirl · 11-23-2008, 01:16 PM

Very, very well put kaplods. The alarm clock incident was an excellent example.

While there are rude people out there, as others have mentioned, there are people who are truly incredulous that someone can fit volunteering into their schedule. As a grad student I make comments to my fellow grad students all the time like "I don't know how you keep up with school and raise an autistic child." Not because I'm trying to imply this single mom shouldn't be in grad school but because I am truly awed by her. I can barely do the same work she does and I'm single.

JulieJ08 · 11-23-2008, 01:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rodeogirl

Very, very well put kaplods. The alarm clock incident was an excellent example.

While there are rude people out there, as others have mentioned, there are people who are truly incredulous that someone can fit volunteering into their schedule. As a grad student I make comments to my fellow grad students all the time like "I don't know how you keep up with school and raise an autistic child." Not because I'm trying to imply this single mom shouldn't be in grad school but because I am truly awed by her. I can barely do the same work she does and I'm single.

Yeah, but that's a far cry from the comments the OP was getting like ""What, you don't have anything else to do?" "You don't have kids?" " wow my time is too valuable to do that every week!" " you ain't got a man to spend time with?"."

rodeogirl · 11-23-2008, 01:33 PM

I dunno the first two "What, you don't have anything else to do?" "You don't have kids?" seem like they could fall into the incredulous category. It kind of proves my point that a lot of times we don't know what the other person meant or why they said that. Maybe they are just processing out loud. And if it was said venomously then it probably was intended to be rude. It's hard to tell when you see it written.