This is going to be an extremely long rant but I'm about to kill my bf so I gotta get it all out somehow. Therefore, I'm taking it out on my keyboard.
So the dog needs dog food and the only place that carries anything that is semi-healthy for a dog is 25 minutes away. So I ask him if he wants to go, he says he doesn't feel like it. And I do? Someone has to do it. Why is it that everything that is a not so desirable "chore" or task that must be done in order to get through life, like write out the bills, do the grocery shopping, running errands, do laundry... always have to be me? I'm sorry did I take you away from your stupid video games? So I look on our chk account just to see how much money we have, its nearing the end of the semester so it always gets kind of tight for me. Well- he has spent all of our money. In the last almost exactly 2 months, he has managed to PERSONALLY spend 1400 dollars. on what? I have no freaking idea. But I am the one with responsibilites- my mom has never paid for anything of mine so I have a car pmt, car insurance.. etc. He has absolutely not financial responsibility so when we run out of money its my credit that suffers! Unlike him, I cannot just call my mom for money, she has no "extra" money.
I've tried relentlessly to find a job, but I have been in this town for 4.5 years and every place that is hiring has someone I know that works there- who knows I'm graduating and moving in 5 weeks. I know its completely unrealistic to go through the effort (and expenses) of training a new hire that will only be around for 5 weeks. Apparently everyone agrees because I haven't got a single call back.
So I lash out, how unfair it is that he has spent all of our money and now I have to stay here while he goes to Cali so that I can work through thanksgiving break and afford to pay my car pmt and insurance. He says "just trust me things will get paid" I tried that.. I told him 1.5 months ago that he was spending uncontrollably and I had to have enough money to move, and still pay for my financial responsibilites because I know my current job will have much fewer hours to offer (country club) because of the weather. So he is mad because I don't trust him.. how am I supposed to trust you when you repeatedly show me that I cannot.
So I pulled the no no card. I said, you don't know how to manage money, when I met you you lived in an apartment that paid all the utilities except cable, so you didn't have cable. AND you were 3 months behind on your rent. And you want me to trust you? It went over a little better than had someone said something like that to me, but if you can only imagine... it wasn't good.
He thinks its perfectly fine to spend money frivolously and then when you can't make your bills just call mommy and daddy. I'm sorry- if I desperately need something (food, gas money..) I may get the balls to call my mom, but it takes a whole day of preparation. I do not feel comfortable asking for help when I know I would have the money had it not been spent on ridiculous things. Just how I am.. and he doesn't understand why. I personally, don't understand how you can be so irresponsible.
So we've decided to split up our money, but that scares me too. First off I'm not longer working and my "reserve" money has been spent, so I don't have enough of my own money to take care of my financial responsibilities. Its like I almost have to rely on him because he's the only one with a steady paycheck. He also can just ask his parents for like 300 bucks and its not big deal.. and then my car pmt is taken care of without me losing my mind. But I don't think its fair to them. They raised him this way though- I just don't believe in this. But if he has to give me "his half" of the bills, what if he spends all his money and doesn't have any left for me. Then not only can I not afford my half but I can't afford to pay his either. I'm seriously about to lose my mind. Do I let his parents give him the money to take care of my financial responsibilities even though I'm completely against it?
His theory is when you get money you should pay 200 dollars to each utility company and let them take the bill out of that til its gone. How ridiculous is that? I've absolutely never heard anything like that before in my life. We paid our rent for the entire semester but thats a fixed amount monthly, not a utility. I'm flabergasted. You should be able to manage your finances from month to month in order to pay your utilities. This guy is seriously screwed when I dump him!
So not only are we falling apart financially, I've mentioned around that I'm not happy in this relatinship anymore. I've decided to let him fly in Cali and to stay here with the dog over thanksgiving break. We were originally going to drive there because its so expensive to fly dogs his size. I said that I needed to stay here and make money so I can afford to take are of my responsibilities and his feelings are all hurt that I won't be going out with him to see his family. His best friend just had a baby too and he says its really important that I go.
I.. however, am counting down the days until he leaves. I'm seriously losing it.
Sorry about that rant, and if you made it through all of it, you are amazing.
I wish there was something I could do. Just stay strong and as soon as you can get out of this situation, do it. It's obviously not working, am I right? (I recall you saying you are breaking up regardless).
Good luck, big hugs and know that if there was anything I could do I would!!
You mention you are not happy in the relationship... and given his lack of responsibility and care for you and your concerns, it sounds like it's time to cut the cord. That would have been my advice anyway, but I wouldn't be typing it if you hadn't mentioned that you're unhappy. There's no way you want to end up with someone like this, and it sounds like even being with him now is really hurting you. Even if it doesn't end up hurting your credit, money problems are always stressful, and I can't imagine if the only reason the problems exist is because of wasteful spending. Have you asked him what he spends the money on?
Take care of yourself first, no matter what else, and best of luck to you!
I'm confused... Was he taking YOUR money over the last 3 months? If so, ask him to pay you back before spliting your money. If he can get money so quickly from his parents he can pay you back.
If it was mostly his money and you dont make enough to pay for your own stuff, you need to own up. Dont tell employers it's only for 5 weeks. Might be unethical, but you'll be homeless if you dont get some extra income. Can you pick up extra hours at the country club?
Oh, and good call... stick to your responsiblities and dont go to Cali. Definatley ditch the guy if your unhappy.
iris- We live together and he's staying here while I move about 2 hours away. I don't have anywhere I can stay to finish school up here so I'm just sticking it out til graduation.
raw- yes he spent mine and his money. We both had a good amount of money coming into the semester but I knew that I"d need mine for when I wasn't getting any hours at work. We are open about half the # of hours as we were the last 2 months because of daylight and not warming up til mid morning. THere just isn't any hours to have. I went through the entire account splitting up who spent what money. Including all of my bills (car pmts, credit cards, car insurance.. etc) I've still spent less money than he has. He thinks that the money spent grocery shopping and such is money I"ve spent, I"m sorry did you not eat for the last 2 months?
I just have a hard time taking his parents money. I know that he owes it to me for spending so insanely, but I feel that its not fair to his parents.
Get this.. the reason we put our money together was because his account here was overdrawn. Suprising? Not at all.
I got cha. Just ask him for the money. Dosen't matter where it's coming from. He spent YOUR money. He doesn't have to go to his parents if he has other means. He owes you.
Have you considered working some gigs till you move? Craigslist has gig jobs - marketing, brand ambassador, etc. Might help you get more money for the move.
Ugh... I just hate financial trouble. If I were you, I wouldn't worry too much about accepting money from his parents. It may sound harsh, but you are planning to break up anyway (aren't you?) and then you'll never see them again. And he has spent the money you need now! If he hadn't done that there would be no trouble at all (at least, not financial). Is it a possibility to ask your parents for help? It is a one time thing, not structural... you can pay them back as soon as you start working.
I read through it! Men+the moms+money is always a problem. It seems like every guy I've ever dated has the same problem...maybe it's the kind of guy I'm attracted to; who knows. I still frequently tell my husband to cut the umbilical cord. Thankfully we make enough money that we don't have to go back to family, but I can still relate on other things... Sounds like you will be giving him the boot soon enough...probably good thing for you to do.
girl, i feel your pain. i'm so stressed out, but i can't blame it on anyone else. it's all my own problem.
first of all i wanna say i think you're amazing for even debating whether or not to let his parents give you the money back. i'd probably be knocking down their door telling them that their son just spent all my emergency reserve money and that they owe me it all back. if they've been paying for his mess-ups this far in life, i don't think this should be any different. i understand it might be kind of hard, but i think the right thing for them to give you your money back.
but girl, i think you're an amazing, hard-working, smart person and you've obviously got a huge heart if you're still dealing with this guy's crap. i can't fathom being in school and going through the interviews you are and making all my own payments and having some other irresponsible person spending my money. yeah, he is completely screwed when you dump him because seriously? just give the utility companies $200 when you get the money? is this guy serious?
You poor thing! I actually read that whole post, which is unheard of for me! :-) My husband does the same thing. Will give me a fixed amount of money every week and expect me to pay all the bills with the measley pittance he gives me and my check. Not only do I have to put in more then he does on a weekly basis, but he gets mad when I'm like, hey, cable is going to get shut off if it doesn't get paid. In a perfect world we all have the money to pay our bills, but things come up and it doesn't always work out that way. :-( If you feel like this now, girl, you need to leave his a** behind! It's not going to get any better then it is now and all it's going to do is get worse. Men will not change.... Get out now before you have too much invested or it's too hard to leave. Do some soul searching while he's away & work on figuring out what will make YOU HAPPY! Either it's with or without him. But, if you decide it's with him, you need to accept him how he is and not drive yourself crazy over stuff like this, cause it isn't going to change. :-)
I'm not a 20-something, I happen to follow the liink from the front page, but I do have some advice.
I've been there, done (still married to) that. As much as I love my DH, he is financially an idiot. It won't get better. My advice to you is to RUN. As soon as you can, be it 5 weeks or 5 days, get away from him. Financial security is so important to your health and peace of mind. Together we make more than enough to live comfortably, but I'm forever scraping together money because of his irresponsible spending. We discussed last night how I'd love to go home for Thanksgiving, but I'm afraid to leave him alone with the sales papers. Last year I came home after Thanksgiving to a new TV, which we didn't need, and didn't have the money for. Wait, I'm rambling....my point is, that it's only going to get worse. Separate your money, or put him on a cash-only policy. I hand DH his "allowance" every two weeks when he gets paid, and then I put the rest in an account he doesn't have access to. Makes him furious, but my bills get paid.
I called my mom to see if she had any employees that want off the week of thanksgiving so I can make money instead of going to Cali. She's finally fully staffed with people who actually need their jobs so she hasn't been able to get my any weekend hours so far.. cross your fingers!
As soon as I move out its over with him. I just know how he acts and he'll make me miserable if we break up before I move. After this experience I strongly suggest living with someone before you get married- I never knew he was so lazy and undriven.
I looked on craigslist, there's 2 places that need housekeeping once a week and a lady who needs an assistant til Christmas- which would be perfect if they weren't all 2 hours away. I guess if I did them all on the same day. I'm resorting back to selling my plasma, probably go tomorrow, I haven't done that since I was in track and had no time for a job.
You all are so great, thanks for the advice. I think after hearing all this I'm just going to have to swallow my pride and let his parents give me the money.
Edit: I really love him so much, even as mad as he is making me right now. I want to be out of this relationship but when I think about that it breaks my heart. I've always reacted logically and I know I won't change my mind for the good of the rest of my life- it just sucks when you love someone that you can't stand ot be with.
Last edited by kelli32; 11-06-2008 at 04:15 PM.
Reason: I went sentimental.
Okay, i'm channeling Suze right now... Why on EARTH would you EVER share money with your boyfriend!? No, no, no! Never!
I'm sorry if this sounds heartless and crappy, but you should never share any accounts with ANYONE, especially a man you're involved with unless you are *married* to him, and even then the common account should only be for bills and the stuff you both need, but you should STILL maintain a separate account with your money just in case.
It's too late to bonk you in your noggin and ask you what you were thinking, but let this be your lesson learned. No sharing unless you've done a full review of his credit history, you know his FICO score, and he has shown that he can manage his money responsibly. Love means nothing if the dude has left you high and dry.
As for Craigslist, be careful. A lot of the jobs on there are scams just to get your email address or cell phone number so they can send you spam. Anything with a gmail address is fake.
Good luck sweetie and hopefully things get better for you. Glad you're ditching the moron, and hopefully you get your money back.
Last edited by NishKitten; 11-06-2008 at 05:02 PM.
yes I agree..run or separate your money and pay everything 50/50. A relationship is a give and take in every aspect and I believe as well as financially.
This sounds all soo familiar...my ex (I dumped him) had filed for bankruptcy (is that how it's spelled?? lol) long before I had met him and had liked always living large ( giving extremely extravagant gifts/going out to fancy meals etc..) His entire family was like this...however they really didn't have a lot of money. The first year we were together he didn't work and I basically paid for everything but made it quite clear that everything was 50/50 and eventually he did pay me back but sometimes it took months. By the end of the relationship he was working but because his credit was horrible he had me get store credit cards (hardware) to buy things for repairing his house and he'd pay me back.............and his own mother had even called one night asking him to ask me to put her home insurance on my Visa and she'd "pay me off"..I was flabbergasted! He put me on the spot by asking me while she was on the phone and then talked me into ( I should say nagged). Yes they all payed me back ( he and his mother ) but I just felt completely stressed all the time about money and it caused so many fights. (keep in mind i work in a daycare and was making less than $10 an hour!)
Good luck to you girl!! Sorry for going on and on!
Last edited by angelanicole23; 11-06-2008 at 05:05 PM.
I'm sorry fi this sounds heartless and crappy, but you should never share any accounts with ANYONE, especially a man you're involved with unless you are *married* to him, and even then the common account should only be for bills and the stuff you both need, but you should STILL maintain a separate account with your money just in case.
Amen! My DH and I lived together for a long time before we got married, and we have NEVER shared a bank account. We both contribute to our household bills, and while we share a credit card account, we divide it up, each paying for our own purchases, and 1/2 the household ones (all our utility bills are on autopay with the cc).
Kelli - I feel sorry for you. THis is a hard way to learn a financial lesson. I would feel no remorse for taking the money from your BF's parents. You can't be expected to get through the next 5 weeks and moving without some funds. I hope you can find some resolution for this situation, and move on with your life a little wiser.
OT- I'm going to kill him.
