Just got back from a walk and was thinking about this weight loss journey of mine. I'm floating because I hit onederland today, but then I found myself wondering when exactly did I start thinking 199 pounds was a good thing?
I realized that the weight gain always came easy. Sometimes I was amazed at how fast it came on. I saw a show one time with people who weighed 500lbs. or more and they said they would sometimes gain 20 pounds a month and I found myself understanding what they said. I also knew that it was a very thin rope that was holding me back from becoming one of those 500lb. people. I binge and eating gets out of control for me. I go into denial and only look at my face in the mirror. It's amazing how good you can look when your main mirror is the cars rearview one - I looked hot in that (not)!!
I've dieted so many times with an event in mind - this time it started with my looming 20th high school reunion in September. January 8th and 256 pounds. I've even had friends come to town that I really wanted to see but made excuses not to because I had gained so much weight. Pretty sad. But somehow during my walk today I realized that when I control my eating my life feels in control. I have no doubt that I have triggers and major food issues, but unlike people on drugs - there's no rehab. I have to be in control of my eating every day - and finally I realized I'll be doing this forever. This weight of 199 does feel good because I worked so hard to get here, and I know the ones below it will feel
even better. I guess I have to adopt that one day at a time mantra and stay in control of myself. I think in the past I always slipped up and gave up because it's so overwhelming to be on guard all the time, and so much easier to just give in. This time feels different - I don't even think of the reunion when I'm sweating on that treadmill, I think about how good I feel. I've lost 57 lbs and my husband doesn't seem to care or notice, my parents (who nagged me all my life about being heavy) haven't commented once on my loss, but you know what? This is finally for me, and maybe that's why I'm finding some success. (Although I can't lie and say some compliments wouldn't hurt
). Thank goodness for this community and all of your support!
Therapy
