[theycallmemom]

I am so stuck in a really bad depressed rut!!! I have no idea why!! Well ya I guess maybe a bit of empty nest mixed with trying to get the rest of the kids out of the house !!! I know I know it makes no sense whatsoever!!!!

I have 5 biological kids and an adopted son as well - My oldest is 23 and expecting my first Grandbaby in just a couple weeks, and I am exstatic about that - but she lives a 10 hour drive away!!! And the thought of only seeing my Grandbaby a couple times a year breaks my heart. then this past April another daughter was married, she and her husband just moved to very near my oldest for at least 2 years with her hubbys job (thats good cause when I can visit at least they will be close) I hate that I do not see them daily! Ok normal so far right??? But wait - here is the rest of the story... I still have 4 at home, kind of - they call this home but really just sleep here and make messes....(they are ages 20, 20 ,20 and 19.) I want them OUT!! they do not pick up after themselves, dont tell me where they are going, dont keep their rooms clean - etc...Just like the other 2 did when they were here

so this week has been like a roller coaster of emotion, and with emotion comes binge eating!!!! Just what I need!!! Some one please tell me I am not totally loosing it!!!! Cause how can I be tearful one minute cause some of my kids dont live here, and mad the next because some do And if I am this messed up at the moment - what will happen when they all move out!!!! Im thinking it will be great - clean house, food in fridge, and then - well maybe not !!! I am insane!!!!

I need to know this is normal !!! and if its not well what do I do ??? And im telling ya all if I have one more binge night Im gonna have my jaw broken so I can have it sewn shut!!!!

[WarMaiden]

I'm sure that it's totally normal to have ambivalence about your kids. I have three myself, and I both love them...and sometimes want to kick their little booties when they're being jerks. I recall my own mom being similarly ambivalent about me, and my impact on her life.

I'm going to offer some practical suggestions for your binge-eating, since it seems like that is really getting to you as well. The binging IS something that YOU can control, no matter what your family is doing. In fact, ONLY you can control it; the responsibility is 100% yours.

-- Are you getting enough sleep? Ideally you should be getting 7 to 8 hours per night, no more, no less. If you are not sleeping enough, you will feel less able to control yourself, and will be more likely to binge due to low energy. Being sleep-deprived has major health risks, as well.

-- Have you tried completely cutting sugar out of your diet? Sugar is an empty food that does nothing but mess with your blood sugar and insulin levels, and can lead to binging.

-- Are you eating enough lean protein, good fats, and fiber? These will help you get full and stay full at meals, so you will be less likely to binge.

-- Are you using too much caffeine? If you're addicted to caffeine, then the after-caf crash of energy could lead you to binge.

[JayEll]

Gosh, you know... There are these people who help others... They are called therapists... and they can really, really help with times when everything seems up in the air, transitional, and making no sense! Your doctor might be able to give you a referral... I'd suggest a clinical psychologist, myself--these are highly trained people.

Anyway, just a thought!

Jay

[theycallmemom]

WarMaiden - thanks! I think I just needed to vent a minute lol Your suggestions are wonderful !

jayEll - really?????? Therapists you say???? hmmmmmmmmmmm (thanks! actually I see a therapist weekly, was just hoping to maybe talk to a "real" person who had similar feelings)

[JayEll]

theycallmemom,

Jay

[amouse]

Mom its sounds like you just need to find your place lets face it it wasn't that long ago you lost Teddy and the feeling like another baby is coming into your life but will be so far away must be heart breaking.

How is that fur baby of your Marley settling in is he making a mess like your other kids?? lol.. i think what you are feeling at present is 100% normal in your situation. You are upset about the relationship you ight have with your grandchild and your kids are being lazy and selfish.. like most young adults that dont think they have to answer to mom anymore.. but still expect her to cook clean and look after them..

If they cleaned up after themselves you wouldnt want them out so bad.. and if you made them do the grocery shopping .. maybe they would move out quicker.. lol At that age they should be contributing finacially to the running of the house .. cooking for the family at least one dinner each a week running some errands for you and doing there own bedrooms and washing..

If they took the pressure off you you could relax more and not be so stressed out .. you have a puppy to care for a grandchild that will need a good visit soon and a house that should be fairly clean considering there are so many adults to keep it clean.. give them chores make them cook and shop and pay board.. You will be preparing them for the real world.. lol

We started cooking and cleaning and washing at about 15 .. i didnt work so i didnt pay board so i cooked and did the laundery more then my sister .. she would do the dishes and then mum just had to clean the house.. apart from our rooms which we did ourselves . .

Mom i can remeber my parents were a mess when my sister went to sydney.. it took them many tears and years to get over it .. they went through all the emotions of loss .. and now my sister is in contact with us again.. they are both very distant with her ( she run off with a scitzophrenic drug pushing idiot and didnt contact us for 3 years).. I know its a different situation but b4 she meet idiot features she and my Dad were like best friends.. there were alot of reason why my sister run away that gets quite complex.. becuase my mum had cancer at the time but im not going into all of that ..

Mom i have liked you from the firast moment i read your posts on the forum.. i hope you can find a place you feel at home in the forums.. becuase i would hate for you to leave..

as far as the sneak binging<<<< guilty.. lol
dont have the crap in the house.. you can eat a huge binge of cellery for very few calories.. but instead of binging.. recognise when you have the feeling and find something else to occupy you .. it may be playing with marley reading a book ring your pregnant duaghter or her sister.. go for a walk.. do some gardening.. what ever you know you can get into and stay out of the kitchen.. you could even come on the board and post about it .. i feel like binging .. so i have come on the board to ditract myself until the feeling passes.. many poeple do that.. some write in the personal journels and write down there feelings.. it all helps.. find what works for you ..

anyway i have a movie just about to start so ill skidaddle..

pm me if you like.. ill chat to you any time.. the only thing is im in australia so i may take a little while to respond .. take good care of yourself and that puppy of yours

[kaplods]

Everything makes sense. And as a person who returned to live with my folks twice in my adult life (just before graduate school, and for a bit during and afterward), I can't criticise your kids too much. However, what my parents and I did was to create rules that allowed me living there to be an advantage to us all. I paid rent, my long-distance charges on the phone bill, and I had to do my own laundry. I also did a lot of the family laundry, because my bedroom was downstairs near the laundry room. I'm not saying we weren't ever nuissances to each other, but whenever I got lazy, my parents reminded me that their complaints were no different than any adult room mate would have - and just like any adult room mate would expect, if I wanted to do fewer of the chores, I had to pay a lot more tham my share of the rent. When I got a job after graduate school, I still stayed at home several years until I got a job an hour away, though I paid more rent and did alot more chores (my parents cut me a huge break while I was in graduate school, both in rent and in my share of the chores to allow me plenty of time to study). My share of the grocery bill, and a lot more of the cooking and cleaning chores were added to my obligations when I was done with school. Every time I got a raise, or my work hours changed, my parents and I renegotioated the rent and the chores.


For the most part, it worked very well. My two younger sisters are 14 and 16 years younger than I (my parents' bio-kids, my brother and I are adopted - different bio-families), so if I had not moved back home, I'm not sure if we would have been as close. I saved enough money to be grateful for the opportunity, and did enough chores not to feel (or give my parents reason to treat me) like a leech. I think if my parents had been willing to allow me stay rent-free and obligation-free, it would have been very hard not to take unfair advantage of it. I mean, not having to worry about the costs of rent, utilities, food, clothing, or cleaning up after yourself - that's pretty much winning the lottery, isn't it?
___________

If you could do the same with your kids, I think it'd reduce a lot of your stress (and what they don't know, is it would reduce their stress too - sharing adult responsibilities and not being a mooch really is a self-esteem booster), and give you some much needed experience in putting yourself first.

[theycallmemom]

amouse - thank you so much!!!! This is gonna sound dumb but I have tears in my eyes Marley is great by the way - very smart, already house broken and can sit and give his paw - he has discovered orange slusihes, Im addicted and on my plan I have allowed 1 small one a day (that is when I stick to my plan) and if I leave it on the coffee table - Marley drinks it!!! Actually he eats anything I leave in reach! I think I lovers him!!!!

Anyway - thanks so much - I just needed to hear some of that encouraging stuff!

kaplods - good ideas! Actually we are working with a theripist (me on my own and then together with my hubby) working out a plan that works for us with the kids - I think maybe what makes it so hard (cause really Im not a duh - though it seems like it at the moment) is that all my kids are so close in age that Im not easing into empty nest/dealing with adult children - its being shoved in my face - and I am not so keen on anything being shoved in my face - yes I have an attitude problem!!!! lol

Thanks again for listening and ya I need to remember you all are here and I can come in and chat instead of running to the kitchen

[Czarria]

I 100% understand how you feel. Only I don't have kids. In my cases I've had little brothers (and brothers girlfriends) come in. Ages 21 and 19 and didn't do crap, except play video games and eat and eat and eat. I finally had enough and insisted they move out, which broke my heart and relieved me at the same time. I definately don't think you're losing your mind. I think this is natural. And it's a normal process. If it was a perfect situation kids would NEVER move out, and imagine that! So rant all you need to. Just focus on treating yourself well and taking care of yourself. Do whatever you need to to keep your peace of mind. Start charging your kids rent. and put yourself first for a while.

[Pandora123a]

Mom,

I only have one...but when he left home to go to college I was devastated. It really surprised me because his senior year in high school he was a nightmare, and I thought I would be ecstatic at his departure. I was...and I wasn't. It took a while, but I adjusted, and now I really like the quiet! I love to see him when he is here, and love having my house back when he leaves. It took a bit of mourning and readjusting for that to happen.

These young adult kids can be particularly difficult. They expect all the rights of adults (control over their lives and schedules, no accountability etc.) but also expect all the privileges of being a kid (support, housing, food available and all the rest.)

Working with a therapist is a great idea. Perhaps you might talk with her and the family about negotiating some rules. When I returned home after grad school I paid rent, a fairly nominal amount but my parents made the point that as an adult I needed to contribute to household expenses. They also established other expectations. While the kids shouldn't need to ask permission to go anywhere, it is a courtesy among cohabiting adults to share some schedule information. I've seen roommates who worried about whether they should be calling the police when someone didn't show up. We expect our 26yo to let let us know approximately when he will return, and to call if there is a major change. That isn't control (we obviously don't set a curfew) it is courtesy.

Meanwhile...don't punish yourself, and that is what the eating does!

Good luck, the only thing I can really say is that this too shall pass.