My boyfriend has known me since high school, when I was...not exactly skinny, but pretty well-proportioned...but he's also known me now, at my highest weight ever. And he has never indicated anything about it, unless I brought it up first. Even when I got all insecure about it, he was always gently reminding me that he loves me and that he doesn't see me as my weight.
But really, if a guy wouldn't date you before, why would you date him now? I'm with the crowd on that one.
I would say "it depends". If you expressed interest in a guy and he didn't return the interest, you lose weight and now he is interested, I would be wary.
I am in a unique situation where I am marrying someone who knew me at my highest weight but didn't know I had lost weight when we decided to date. He hadn't even seen me since I had lost weight (we had lost touch then he moved away) and we became really close friends, closer than ever via phone and IM. I told him after we decided to try dating that I had lost 75 lbs. He was attracted to me, not my weight and he didn't have an issue dating me after we saw eachother after not seeing eachother for a couple years. In our case, it wasn't my weight, it was just time and closeness that was the factor in us dating.
Now that I'm "prettier" (by most of America's standards, anyway), men are more likely to see me as a potential date based strictly on appearance.
That's exactly it! Sometimes there will be that "amazing" guy that has always been sort of a friend and perhaps as you lose weight things change because maybe you let down a wall, get more confident, or something... Then thats great... But for a lot of people, its the idea that appearance alone triggers this "Oh hey... You're hot now" and of course we're not talking about the "great" guy thats always been there for you... I'm talking about the guy who you have a crush on, the guy who says things like "You'd be hot if you lost weight" "Well you have a pretty face" or "You're just not my type" and then all the sudden 30, 40, 50, 100 pounds down the road... Suddenly, before you open your mouth, you're his type... I'm talking about that guy Hahaha
I was a different person at my highest weight. Well, sort of, I had lower confidence and self esteem and I just didn't take care of my appearance.
Now I take a bit more care and am trying to appear more open to people in general instead of closing myself off from rejection from the getgo.
I do think that I feel more accepted by guys generally now.....but still, whenever I am with my skinnier (not necessarily prettier) friends, they almost to a one check her out or talk to her but, if it is just me, I'll get the conversation and not have to play "invisible friend of skinny chick." I hate that game.
I agree about the guys who don't give you the time of day when you are overweight and suddenly like you..They are not the guys you should be with. You know what is funny though? My ex bf would make comments about my weight (which actually was even less than I am now) and eventually we broke up. I met my husband soon after and he never has said a thing about my weight..but because of that I allowed myself to keep gaining weight until I've finally halted that process and am losing weight again. Now my ex saw my picture and is saying how good I look. I just want to say to him "Bite me." LOL. :-)
This is a grat question..
Ive been 200 + since having my daughter at 16 5 years ago..
I split up with her dad cause i gaind weight,, then had another bf who was more insecure than i was..
Ive lost 20 lbs and met a man a few weeks back that i am getting on great with..
I always said to my family and friends i wish i meet a man before i get slim so i know he likes me for me and not my figure so i am so happy ive met him and i hope things work out cause then i will know its for me..
But when i am slim i am going to see my daughters dad (cconviently go for a drink in his local) lol and show him what he lost haha
I do have a nice face and i am sick of being told if i lost weight id be hot,
I get so upset over it my friends arnt that pretty at all but have tiny figures and get all the attention..
If a bloke snubbed me wen i was fat i would snub him when i was slim ,
I would let him know i havent changed and how insulted i was that he could think id want him after my confidence was knocked by his rejection last time...
Very interesting topic... I agree with "it depends", first one of the things I believe in life is that we can never say never, why would you usually go out with a guy ? By passing judgement that fast aren´t we making the same mistake they did ?
Second, I still have a long way to go, but I´ve accomplished a lot already in terms of weight, and I can say I´m a very different person than I was when I was heavier... I didn´t like myself, how could I ask someone else to see something I didn´t ?
I make mistakes, huge ones, sometimes I´m not the person I would like to be, but I know that I´m a good person, I know that I have a good heart, and one of the things most important I´ve learned is that we shouldn´t be so hard on ourselves, life is too damn short, and hard as it is without us complicating it even more, so I´m all in favour of do what makes you happy... if you blow off a guy do it for the right reasons...
But hey, I´m a romantic always have been, again maybe the model of life that makes me happy doesn´t necessarly you make you happy too...
I think I see where melissa is coming from-and I kind of agree.
I know that being overweight makes most of us super sensitive about what people, especially men, think and say about us. The thing is, if you knew a guy before you lost weight, and he has always been a decent person, maybe even a friend, then why not give it a shot? I would never give a second thought about someone who was mean or crude about my weight, but the fact is that we all only want to date people we are attracted to. It's different once you have developed feelings for someone, I would always expect my husband to stand by me no matter what I weigh. But someone you haven't even dated doesn't have any "investment" of emotion or even feeling that could go beyond attraction. That's all you have to go on before you have a date! When you meet someone, your body is what's on display, your winning personality can't factor in until you get to know them better.
Not to mention that our formerly fat selves may have exuded low self esteem, shyness, emotional issues, and a severe lack of body confidence-none of which is exactly a man-magnet. Alot of men are more bothered by our body issues than by the extra pounds, and will run for the hills at the first hint of what appears to be emotional baggage. Ask any man-self confidence is sexy! I would definitely avoid anyone who was downright shallow or crude to you just because of your weight, but don't pass up what might be a great guy just because he didn't ask you out before. And men aren't the only evil here-I know of a few women who dropped their men after they lost weight because those guys weren't "as good" as what they can get now.
And men aren't the only evil here-I know of a few women who dropped their men after they lost weight because those guys weren't "as good" as what they can get now.
I think this is yet another "it depends." Is the woman really evil if she had originally settled for a man because she didn't think she deserved any better, and once her confidence rose, she knew she deserved more? It's one thing if they just want to run out and date a Ken doll just based on looks, but again, I think it comes down to the fact that losing weight can increase a woman's self-esteem and self-worth.
I personally had to take a long, hard look at my relationship about a year ago. I had to make 100% sure that I loved my boyfriend for who he was and not just because he was willing to accept my weight. Some women have such low self-esteem that they don't have that foresight when dating--they take what they can get, and then when they lose the weight, they realize they made that choice based only on his acceptance of her, and it's not a good match.
I've thought about once I lose the last 20 if I can even get a 'better' guy than my boyfriend right now But he'd have to be a gorgeous millionaire to be 'better,' and those who probably be the only things that could be better - looks and money. And my boyfriend isn't hurting in either place. I never dated before I lost weight, so I have nothing to compare who I date now to who I dated then. But even though I didn't date then, I still had high standards. I would never have 'settled' for someone who treated me badly, didn't have his s*** together, or was just an all-around loser. I wouldn't have ever dated a man just because he "accepted me." And if I had, I probably would realize that I deserved better and would have dumped him. But it would be evil if he truly loved me and treated me good.
I'm so used to being the "friend of the cute girls", the one that the guys approach so they can talk to the cute girl, and getting all of my skinnier friends cast-offs (who've actually turned out to be great guys!) that I am still getting used to guys asking me out now that I've lost a little. It catches me by surprise every time! And do any of you find that your "prettier" (ie. skinnier) friends don't treat value the men they meet as much as you do? I guess I just feel like they take being hit on for granted, its nice to get attention.
And do any of you find that your "prettier" (ie. skinnier) friends don't treat value the men they meet as much as you do? I guess I just feel like they take being hit on for granted, its nice to get attention.
OMG YES!!! i actually just got off the phone with an old aquaintance who talked for 46 minutes (yes - i watched the clock) about how men fall in love with her all the time and how she is tired of it.
"he wants to have a serious relationship. i dont! so i told him my standards - a call in the morning and night every day, and physical contact every other day. i dont want a relationship, and i wont date only him but if he wants to be in my life he is going to have to do that for me! you dont get a girl with my body everyday!" ...... sigh. and they DO. for a casual dating relationship they live by her "rules". ugh.
people totally take it for granted!!!
i still have a hard time allowing myself to think that if a man is looking at me it might be because he is attracted to me - not because he nessessarily is thinking about how disgusting i am!
rofl im in a slightly different situation.. my boyfriend actually met me and started dating me when I was at 240, my highest weight. But I grew up in a very superficial town, in a superficial school system.. so yes, Ive thought of losing the weight and then visiting old classmates (and crushes) to show them how amazing I am
I feel the same way! My hubbys stood by me, but sometimes I just would love to be like... Ha! And you thought I wasn't anything!
But he'd have to be a gorgeous millionaire to be 'better,' and those who probably be the only things that could be better - looks and money. And my boyfriend isn't hurting in either place. I never dated before I lost weight, so I have nothing to compare who I date now to who I dated then. But even though I didn't date then, I still had high standards. I would never have 'settled' for someone who treated me badly, didn't have his s*** together, or was just an all-around loser. I wouldn't have ever dated a man just because he "accepted me." And if I had, I probably would realize that I deserved better and would have dumped him. But it would be evil if he truly loved me and treated me good.
