I was in the library doing some photocopying with a friend (woohoo, good times ), and it was almost time to go to class. She headed for the doors and I said, "I'll see you there, I'm going to grab a coffee." Normal, right?
Well, I knew -- knew -- I didn't want coffee, that I was going in to get a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie. A big one.
So why did I lie? I mean, it's not an end-of-the-world lie. It doesn't affect anyone negatively except myself. So part of me wants to shrug it off and not try to recognize why I didn't tell the truth -- That I wanted a cookie. What's wrong with wanting a cookie? I've been eating pretty well lately, well enough to lose 2.5lbs of the 4+ I've put back on.
(Insert admission that my weight has been around 199, despite what the ticker says. I haven't wanted to change it (lying again?). I'm so afraid of getting back to 200 though, I was thrilled to see 196.5 this morning.)
Besides that, what was my friend going to do, judge me? "Ooh, she wants a cookie, that must be why she's fat! Fat people always want cookies!" *I* know I've been eating well, but other people don't. So I assume they'll assume I eat poorly, as reflected by a choice to have a cookie in the middle of a long day.
I know this trend of lying about things goes further back with me. WAY back, like to childhood. Hiding candy wrappers around. Taking spoonfulls of peanut butter and then actually throwing away the spoon because I didn't want anyone to see it in my room. (My parents eventually got sick of buying new spoons and I felt guilty.) Even a couple of weeks ago I bought a 1L thing of ice cream and ate it in one sitting while my fiance was out (yes, I felt sick later). He asked me a few days later where the ice cream went, I said I let our other roommates eat it. I admit that was a binge, somewhat different from just buying one single cookie. But I feel the EXACT same amount of guilt over the two situations.
I don't know what I'm looking for in posting this. I obviously have some emotional triggers with food, not only in what makes me eat and what it makes me eat, but also in letting other people know what I eat. In high school I would never eat in front of anyone else because of guilt, but in university, residence kind of makes you grow out of that one QUICK. I'm really surprised that my latest binge -- an entire batch of homemade muffins -- made it into my FitDay (and into this post! eek!).
I'm going to x-post this in the Chicks in Control forum, as it delves into their realm of knowledge quite a bit. But I value you guys' opinions, I feel comfortable here, etc... And I'd kind of like to know what goes on in your minds. Does anyone do this sort of thing? Lie about the stupidest little things, like buying ONE cookie, because you're afraid of what others will think? Why do other people's opinions (or assumed opinions) matter so much to some, and not at all to others?
Wow, this was long. I've just been thinking about these things a lot recently, and the cookie episode today made me really stop and wonder what the heck is going on.......
I totally know what you are talking about. I feel the same way...still. I don't want anyone to comment on my eating, unless they are saying "wow you are eating so healthy" or "so little". I did the same thing sneaking food as a kid and all that. I don't know really what to do about it, but I know telling some one (or a lot of people, like you just did on this board) you are admitting to it out loud, instead of keeping it inside, which I think tends to help keep you accountable. For me when I tell little lies like that, I feel 2x's or more as bad for eating whatever I ate, then if I ate it with someone or told someone. I think it's something that you get more under control as time goes on, especially when you confront it like you have just done. I totally applaud you for that! Just don't get too down on yourself, I think that continues the cycle!
I think recognizing it is one of the first steps, dont you? Isn't that growing and developing your sense of self more than you have in the past? Realizing you might need help to figure out stuff is a GREAT step!!! You are now just a bit more closer to your goal!
Well, for one thing, I definitely wouldn't fret over not changing your ticker. I absolutely refuse to move mine unless it's in the down direction. I do feel a little weird posting when I know I weigh more than what it says, but I view it as motivation to get my weight back down sooner. So I wouldn't really consider that a lie, it's just a long term weight fluctuation (yay for euphemisms).
We all struggle with our food issues and they can be a source of shame, and of course due to the nature of that shame, we want to hide it. When I was still living with my parents in high school, I had the opposite problem as you did. I would skip a meal and then grab a bit of food to put crumbs on a plate so it would look as if I had eaten, and I felt bad about dirtying my mom's clean dishes. That was years ago, and I don't try to make it look like I've eaten if I haven't anymore, but I feel now that I overcompensate. Earlier today, I told one of my coworkers where I was going to eat dinner tonight, almost as if to say "Hey, look. I honestly eat." I don't understand why I'm so concerned about what people think about my eating habits, but I am. Lying can be a defense mechanism, and we just need to learn that we don't have to defend everything we do. One thing that has helped me is my boyfriend; I can always be honest with him about what I eat or don't eat. If you can start with one specific friend whom you know will not judge you, it can help you get over the feeling that everyone else will be judging you. Also, I keep a food log that no one (and I mean no one) sees except for me. I'm the one who's responsible for keeping myself accountable. I congratulate you on being honest with your FitDay.
Granted, there will be people who do make comments. Everyone where I work knows that I'm dieting. For one example, one morning, my body was seriously needing a muffin (I had been doing really well eating healthy), so I bought one and was eating it at my desk. Then one of my coworkers comes by wide-eyed, "Oh my God, she's eating carbs!" I simply explained that I wanted my muffin and I quietly sat at my desk and finished it.
Anyway, you seem like a very conscientious person and I'm sure you'll overcome this "lying thing."
I always thought of myself as a "closet eater." I would sneak food when people weren't home or I'd silently make my way to the kitchen and munch down a nutri-grain bar or two while the tv in the other room covered the crinkling sounds. I still do it once in a while. I'll get some mcdonald's for lunch and when my husband asks what I had for lunch I'll throw out "tuna patties" or some other healthy thing as a kneejerk reaction. I don't know why either, I know he wouldn't care, I think I'm just embarrassed. I feel weak or stupid and I want to hide it. I did something good today though. It's TOM and I was packing up snack foods (baked chips, chex mix, dry cereal) in single serving portions. Well all day I just kept snacking. But for once I actually kept track and I TOLD my husband about it. It actually felt good you know. He didn't judge me, in fact he didn't think twice about it! It was a real weight off my chest too. So after the rambling, my point is there is no point to the lying. We're adults, we aren't going to get in trouble, it's just a reflex. A crappy one at that but I think a lot of us do it.
Interesting food for thought. Just yesterday at the gym my roommate commented to me "but you don't eat that much!" in response to something I had said - I honestly don't remember exactly what. I wanted to say "that's not true!" It really is the roughly-once-weekly binges that push me over the edge of a losing calorie range, and keep me at this weight that's a few pounds higher than I'd like to be. But I also try to 'hide' my binges. I definitely sneak to the kitchen when my roommates aren't in the room, or when they've gone somewhere. If I'm snacking in the kitchen when I see their cars pull in I quickly put the food away and run to my room, pretending I wasn't eating at all. If I have more than one candy bar, protein bar, etc., or eat something like that right before a meal I will try to shove the wrapper to the side of the trash can, or put it under something so nobody will see. BF doesn't keep that much snacky, junky stuff at his house (typical male fridge & cupboards - mostly bare, buys for a meal or two at a time) and it's almost a relief when I go spend the night there b/c I know I won't be tempted!
Why do I do this? I crave the ability to be comfortable with my food. I think I'm ashamed b/c so often when I am snacking it has little to do with hunger. I don't mind eating at work, b/c I have packed a healthy meal with a balanced amount of calories. It's at home when roommate has an open bag of Oreos and I try to eat 6 or 8 in one day that I'm embarrassed. I feel ashamed that I haven't been able to conquer my food "issues," particularly in front of 1 of my roommates (the one who buys Oreos!) who can eat what she wants, stop when she's full, and has never had a weight problem. She's actually commented out loud to people who say "oh I'm full but that's so gooood," "If you're full why are you still eating?" She just doesn't get it, and I feel like I'm around a lot of people like her in the world. I can't own my behavior b/c I feel like such a failure for being unable to control it.
I guess reading over what I just typed it's more binge issues for me that make me hide and lie about my food - eating when I'm not hungry, and eating 2,3,4x the serving size of a food.
I guess what I typed hasn't been very helpful to anyone else. But it's been good for me - makes me realize that though I'm aware of food/control issues, I spend a lot of time lamenting them and not much time actually trying to fix them. This weekend my goal is to "own" all the food that I eat. If the roommates come in, or BF is there, or I'm at a party, and I'm eating a food, I won't try to hide it.
I don't know if this is weird, but most of the time I am kind of the opposite--I feel like I HAVE to talk about my food binges. For lunch at school I eat pretty well (low calorie soup and some fruit), and I always get comments from the other lunch-eaters that I am eating so little, etc. This has happened so much that I find myself telling all my friends about my latest binge (like they all really care that I ate 10 cookies one day or went to a Mexican restaurant and had an appetizer, entree, my dessert and part of my boyfriend's dessert). It's not like having a binge is a good thing, but I guess I feel like I have to counteract the impression that since I have lost some weight that I am anorexic. I don't know...
First off, Britomart, I think you are really brave for putting this out there for us all to see and know. I also want to say Thank you. I to, have done this. So in a way, it was nice to know that I'm not the only one. I do it less and less, but it something that I haven't really addressed with myself. I guess I can spend some time thinking on why I feel the need to do this.
Wow, thanks everyone for your comments, even if it was more for yourself than anyone else! I really appreciate you all putting yourselves out there -- it helps to know that we're all so different yet can be so similar sometimes. I know the lying thing is something I need to work on. I need to come to terms with my binges... The bad thing is that when I lie about food, I feel guilty, which causes me to binge even longer and harder. Obviously there's a pattern here. I'm not sure how to root out this problem at solve it, though... I guess that'll take some reflection.... Anyway, thanks for listening to me
Lying
), and it was almost time to go to class. She headed for the doors and I said, "I'll see you there, I'm going to grab a coffee." Normal, right?
