I know this was discussed a bit in June, I was actively snooping at the time hehe. But I think this would be interesting to continue talking about... and to bring up again.
Recently, I started dating a guy who i used to date about a year ago when I was just starting to gain the weight I lost back (i gained about 15lbs back since then to now weight ~205lbs). We broke up because I moved away for almost a year, but now that I am back we've started seeing each other again. I also am working on losing the weight again.
What I don't understand is why he would find me attractive and wants to make out with me. I know I wouldnt want to make out with me or touch my waist which is full of fat. :|
Does anyone else feel this way or have any ideas or similar stories they can share?
I feel the same way. I look at my body in the mirror and I see this big blob of gross fat rolls. I think. "How could he possibly have sex with that???". Especially when I see women like in a movie or something that are so thin and graceful and beautiful. I think to myself if I was a man I wouldn't want me. I feel like my husband must be desperate or something to stay with me.
We're in similar boats.. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years -- he moved to Texas three months ago for a great job and bought a house, blah.. blah.. blah.. And I was supposed to move out there with him.. however, when I went out there to visit, no good.. Long story short, we're just friends -- I'm a Jersey girl so Texas isn't for me. Clint always had told me that I was beautiful etc, and I'd lost about 40 lbs right before meeting him, and probably gained about 20 of them back while dating him...
And now there's a new guy putting the moves on me who is looking to get serious down the road when I'm ready... but he's drop dead gorgeous. Tall, thin, athletic build, nice and muscular... and well.. I'm pudgy, and curvy... and he says that he loves it! But I'm kinda having a hard time being okay with that.. he's very supportive in my decision to find a better me through diet and exercise, but he actually loves the "extra" me.. And same thing, I know I'm a pretty girl and I have a healthy self-confidence, but I never thought I could land someone like him... when I look like this...
So I know exactly what you mean!!! I'm very conscious of myself and my body -- even moreso when it comes to intimacy and all. So you're definitely not the only one out there -- I promise!
I'm 33 (and crashing your forum again ), but I just had to respond.
You're not alone.
I wasted a heck of a lot of my 20s on guys who were really bad news because I didn't (don't?) feel worthy of an actual nice guy. And I didn't feel worthy because I felt I was just too darn fat for any "normal" guy to like me. So my long-term relationships -- such as they were/n't -- included a verbally/emotionally abusive Marine with a weapons fetish (5 years), an alcoholic Navy corpsman who was handed a dishonorable discharge for driving drunk on base (2 years), and a New Zealander living here illegally whose boss paid him in bags of pot (1 year)...
But at least I didn't marry any of them. And therefore, I'm still single. I've had it with the "bad boys" and I guess I'm still too darn scared to take a risk on a "nice guy," because some days I STILL feel sooooo fat and the idea of a truly kind, stable guy (who I really like) seeing me naked makes me want to run and hide.
Which is a real bummer cuz I'd really like NOT to be single for the rest of my life.
Editing now to add:
Wow. I can't believe I just admitted that in public .
Last edited by LovesBassets; 10-12-2005 at 07:16 PM.
You would be surprised how many guys out there don't mind the extra weight. What you see on tv, and all those guys that drool over the blond hair waifer thin girls are just girls they would like to get with and then discard that's it. Nobody they would want to spend the rest of their entire life with. We don't give guys much credit but they actually do go for personality and they FIND and SEE beauty in all shapes and sizes.
Hope you all dont mind me posting to this topic.
My first marriage I had went from 112 lbs to 230 lbs and my husband left me for being overweight. His mom would call me a tub a lard.
So subconcously, Im thinking Im this huge whale.. Even when I met my husband now. I literally had problems even dressing in daylight even around my kids! lol I would be so snappy about it too!
Ten years this coming June will be out 10 year anniversary and I have finally conquered the undressing part. I always like to think "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". Its not all about the outside that makes all you women beautiful. As I tell my husband it was more his insides I was looking for. There is "alot" of men out there that feel the same way.
Now hubby says Im gonna leave him when Im thin (he is considered "obese" think hes a bit insecure right now).. but you know I find respect in ppl that can see beyond bodily faults.
Because my body looks awful as well!
When my first baby came along my womb was to small to carry her so it came through strechmarks that busted open alot! So Its definatly been a true challenge! What doesnt kills us makes us stronger!
I'm not a regular to this group but I had to reply.
I am 21. When I first met my fiance, I was about 20lbs lighter than I am now. Although I didn't understand why, he pursued me...seriously. He tried for 3 months before I would even go on a date with him. I could not figure out why he would want me. Our first time being intimate, I felt like a hippo trying to mount a snake (no pun intended, just trying to convey my discomfort with how incredibly slender my fiance is ). I was/am fat...not exactly what the guys want. Or so I thought. He wanted me very much and still does. I was so caught up in the idea that he had to be desparate to want me, or that once I gave in he would have sex with me and throw me to the side. None of that was factual. We are still together. Everyday I have to force thoughts of why he is with me out of my head. And with those thoughts I have to force the paranoia that he is looking a other *thinner* women out as well. I was very bad about pointing it out to him early in our relationship. We'd be at a store buying something and I'd insist that he was flirting with the cashier because he said "thank you". There are 100 other examples but I know I'm already getting long winded. But what I wanted to get across is this...sometimes, you just have to shut up and let someone love you. I have to work at this everyday in order to keep myself from having negative thoughts about myself. Some days are better than others. Some days when he tells me how gorgeous I am and how lucky he feels to have me, I eat it up. Others, I swear he just says it and heckle him about what he is trying to get out of me. I am a work in progress, in more ways than just weight loss. He's helping me to love me for me, and I love him for that and so much more.
PS: Sorry if this wasn't exactly the response you were looking for, but it felt good for me to say it!
I think that the majority of overweight women tend to see themselves as unattractive. I think society has a lot to do with it. The subject has been brought up a lot before.... we're taught to see a certain thing as attractive (magazine models) and anything that doesn't fit that mold we think of as abnormal or unattractive.
Look at your friends or family... are any of them overweight, and comparable to your size? Do YOU think THEY are unattractive? Likely not. You probably think your friends are beautiful... the same with your boyfriend. He thinks you're beautiful. You also probably have an amazing personality. Don't be so hard on yourself. Rather than being so judgemental and critical of yourself you should try to see exactly how beautiful you are.
I know this was discussed a bit in June, I was actively snooping at the time hehe. But I think this would be interesting to continue talking about... and to bring up again.
Recently, I started dating a guy who i used to date about a year ago when I was just starting to gain the weight I lost back (i gained about 15lbs back since then to now weight ~205lbs). We broke up because I moved away for almost a year, but now that I am back we've started seeing each other again. I also am working on losing the weight again.
What I don't understand is why he would find me attractive and wants to make out with me. I know I wouldnt want to make out with me or touch my waist which is full of fat. :|
Does anyone else feel this way or have any ideas or similar stories they can share?
That's one of the reasons I'm afraid to have a boyfriend. I've never had a boyfriend and part of me is okay with that because I think I'm too self conscious to be touched. I'm not used to being touched or hugged, especially by guys, so that alone makes it scary enough for me. Throw my weight in there and it majorly adds to the problem. I know that some my my guy problems are because of the fact that I've grown up without a dad and I've never had a significant male figure in my life, but some are also because of my weight. That's one of the reasons I'm dead set on losing weight. I'll be starting college this coming year and I don't want to be afraid to date.
That's one of the reasons I'm afraid to have a boyfriend. I've never had a boyfriend and part of me is okay with that because I think I'm too self conscious to be touched. I'm not used to being touched or hugged, especially by guys, so that alone makes it scary enough for me. Throw my weight in there and it majorly adds to the problem.
WARNING: extremely long post ahead
I was in this same situation when I started college. I had never had a real boyfriend before, and whenever people tried to hug me or put their arm around me or anything, I would shy away. It got to the point where it was sorta funny, and all my friends knew that if anyone tried to touch me, I would most likely hit them
My freshman year of college, my roommate had a really great boyfriend, who, in turn, became a friend of mine (she treated him like crap and cheated on him, but he was still a great guy). She once told me that they had had a conversation about me. He had asked my roommate why I didn't have a boyfriend or even date anyone. He said I was so smart and funny that he didn't understand why I was always alone. Her response was, "Hey, if you think that highly of her, go ahead and make a move. But don't come crying to me when she clobbers you for touching her!" It was my best line of defense--if I don't get close to people (especially guys), I won't get hurt (when they dump me for a thinner girl), end of story.
In my last semester at college, I finally decided I just wanted to be "normal," so I hooked up with a couple of guys in some drunken fondling after parties (hmm, that sounds like an orgy--I was only ever with one guy at a time ). At first, it made me feel good because they always seemed to want me, and it felt SO good to be wanted (even at nearly 300 pounds). However, it soon came to mind that the only reason they were with me was that we were drunk, and I convinced myself that if the guys were sober, they would never want to be seen with me, let alone see me naked.
So, I left college just as down about myself as when I had arrived. I talked to some guys online. I always admitted from the start (if he seemed like a possible relationship kinda guy) that I was overweight. I even showed them pictures most of the time. Then once, this guy I had been talking to for MONTHS (he seemed so sweet and funny and all that good stuff), I admitted the evil number--my actual weight. Now mind you, I had shown him recent pictures and told him I was overweight, but when I told him the actual number, he never talked to me again.
So, no drunken boys, no online boys--what's a girl to do?! I decided to diet--after all, that should solve all my problems, right? I went on South Beach VERY strictly and went to the gym 6 days a week--cardio every day plus weight training 4 days a week. I lost about 30 pounds and waaaaaay lowered my body fat percentage and actually increased my lean body mass percentage (hard to do when losing weight). Then I met Jeff. I met him in a chat room online (not through a dating site or even in a dating chat room--just a generic DC area chat). He was nice and sweet and funny, and I showed him pictures and stuff. Then he invited me to meet him. I figured that it would be no different from anything else, that he would see me, be nice to my face while I was there, and then I would never hear from him again. I hardened myself up in preparation of the rejection and disaster that would surely ensue. However, I decided I had to at least give it a shot and meet him--I would rather deal with rejection than a lifetime of what-if's. So, I met him.
I went to his house (he lived with his 2 older cousins and their 4 children, so it was a pretty safe situation), and I ended up spending the night (just sleeping, no naught business ). We just hung out and watched movies--I didn't talk much at all. I think I said a total of maybe 20 words all night. I was just so SCARED! The next morning, I asked if I would get to see him again, and my spirits soared when he said yes! At that time, I was about 265 pounds, I think. That was over a year and a half ago. While still seeing him, I reached my all-time high of 310.5 pounds (last January). He never once made a comment or gave me a look or did anyhing that made me think my weight bothered him at all. When I got shy and self-conscious about myself (like when he asked me to shower with him or to be *ahem* on top), he would look at me like I was insane for thinking my weight even mattered to him.
Now, I am SO glad that I met him while I was so overweight. It is comforting to know that even if I lose all the weight and then gain it all back, he will love me every step of the way. If I had lost weight and THEN fell into a relationship, I would always be bothered by worry and wonder over whether or not he would still love me if I gained the weight back, and who needs that stress?! I'm still with Jeff--we've bene happy for over a year and a half and are moving in together this weekend. I weigh 279 pounds, which is still more than when I first met him, but he loves every bit of me for WHO I am, not WHAT I am
Last edited by jillybean720; 10-13-2005 at 07:37 AM.
WOW... reading everyones posts... well, I wanna put my 2 cents in.. I hvae been bigger most of my life. I started dating my best friend in highschool my sophmore year and my jr year I was at my highest, right around 269 or so, needless to say he loved me for who I was. all star hockey player, swet nice, hot guy.. well we broke up my senior year he left me for a hot tiny blonde a year older then us, ok a lil disappointing.. so being young and dumb, and depressed I stopped eating, just partyed, made my way down to 140, tall tan blonde went to college and did the random hooking up even got back with my highschool sweet heart. I slowly gained weight and didnt care because for some reason i always had a BF.
BAM out of no where I end up pregnant fat not happy you know the routine. ANyhow, a year after having my baby I am at my highest with my BF who is wonderful, and loves me for me. BUT I still am insecure of course! all fo his exs are tiny cute lil girls, and big ole fat me. not to mention he is shorter then me and skinner...and a in fit hockey player, ever see those movies with the fat girl and the little boy?? yup that swhat I think when we are together. Road trip all the way. anyhow, I feel the same way, its hard to get on top, or enjoy sex sometimes because honestly who wants that? obviously our guys do! they aren't shallow, they are loving good people, I dont know where I am going with this because I have so much more to say, but Im sure you dont want me rambling on and on. ... ... ..
Now, I am SO glad that I met him while I was so overweight. It is comforting to know that even if I lose all the weight and then gain it all back, he will love me every step of the way. If I had lost weight and THEN fell into a relationship, I would always be bothered by worry and wonder over whether or not he would still love me if I gained the weight back, and who needs that stress?!
I met my BF 3 months ago at my lowest weight of 138. Since then I've had a bit of a maintenance slip-up and am 149 right now...anyway I've always had this fear that he'll dump me if I get fat again. I told him that I lost a lot of weight, and that's why I try to live a healthy lifestyle now. But he doesn't know how much weight I lost. He's 5'5 1/2" and has a 32" waist, so he's kind of a little guy. So yeah...there's always this fear.
But since I regained this 10 lbs. he hasn't stopped telling me how sexy or beautiful he thinks I am, how much I turn him on, etc., OR how much fun he has with me, and how interesting he finds me, and how much he likes talking to me. What can I do? I just have to trust that he likes me for me. I'm determined to keep the weight off (and lose this little bit) whether I'm dating or single. I hope all of our boyfriends really like us for our personalities because, really, we're great people, and that they think we're sexy no matter what weight. The majority of our posts say "I can't believe he likes me this way but he seems to..." and why would all these otherwise sane, wonderful men lie to us about that? Society has totally screwed up my notion of so-called beauty, and I can only hope that it hasn't had that affect on others. As for the guys who base whether they date a woman solely on her weight, they're superficial jerks. I wish no woman had to deal with them.
Only once have I dated anyone besides my current BF. I was 20, living overseas, and leaving in 2 weeks so when this guy I had been chatting w/ at the bar tried to pick me up I said what the ****. We went on a few dates and I left the country. Other than that, and a few drunken make-outs, I didn't date when I was heavy...but I was also introverted, never went out (except overseas), and had zero confidence. It's hard to separate the weight and the shyness. It was easy to blame my lack of BFs on being fat. Now I try to just tell myself that I know who I am. It's not a pants size, or a number on a scale. Sometimes it's hard to live w/ the thought that if I wasn't thin now, these people might not give me the time of day. It's something I still struggle with.
I know I contradict myself sometimes, but does that make sense to anyone?
What I don't understand is why he would find me attractive and wants to make out with me. I know I wouldnt want to make out with me or touch my waist which is full of fat. :|
Your look at your body parts individually...My waist has rolls...My thighs are fat...My butt is big. I know when I look at myself I see individual parts, especially since I mostly see myself from looking down. Not by looking into a mirror. Its easy to concentrate on one body part when you you can't see the whole picture most of the time.
Your guy is looking at all of you and thinking, "Nice body". He doesn't see a fat waist he sees sexy curves. When you look at your guy you don't concentrate on his individual body parts (perfect or not) but the whole package and how it fits together.
None of our guys are perfect either. Most of them would like to be taller, more muscular, etc. They are probably thinking what is this great girl doing with a skinny guy like me?
Hey, I don't like having my waist touched, and I've heard a lot of women say that, even women who are slim. Must be a common phenomenon.
You can tell that your sweethearts like you by how their bodies react to your touch, how they look at you with their eyes, how their breath quickens. There are lots of ways to feel appreciated other than needing to hear that your weight isn't a turn-off. Just look for the signs.
I'm married, have been for over a year now. It's not my first marriage and in between them and prior to the first one ending I've managed to build up some pretty big defenses. My weight has flucuated over the years and I never had too many issues with my first husband about my weight when it came to being intimate. I do however find myself having lots of issues with my current husband despite the fact that he himself isn't slim. I didn't have issues when we were dating and I wasn't that much smaller, maybe 185 or 190. But now I'm never comfortable naked in front of him. He's not a very verbal person so I don't hear many complements from him. He's a sweet wonderful man but lacks self confindence himself so I think that holds him back. I think this makes me doubt how he feels about my body since he doesn't tell me that I'm beautiful like my first husband did, or just grab me and kiss me passionately. It makes me feel like he's not attracted to me. He denies this and doesn't understand why I would possibly feel this way. I think sometimes it's mostly my fault though, because if I don't feel loved and wanted enough I push away so I can't get hurt, so maybe it's just me being too sensitive. But then I think no, it's not my fault a woman needs to know she's loved and that her husband finds her attractive. This causes such havoc in our marriage lately because I haven't been wanting to be intimate because of these insecurities. I also think I'm growing resentful of him for not showing affection toward me.
Ah, a light bulb just went off... when my husband and I were dating he tried so much harder, he was always doing nice things for me and I really felt loved. We got married and that ended. It wasn't like that with my first husband, he was the same toward me before and after getting married. We just couldn't stop fighting, before or after the marriage LOL.
It's just sad, we're still newleyweds and we hardly have sex. Now I'm wondering if this is all me, pushing him away, building walls to prevent hurt or if it is because of the lack of affection received from him. Much to think about...
Weight and Intimacy (Take 2)
), but I just had to respond.
-- included a verbally/emotionally abusive Marine with a weapons fetish (5 years), an alcoholic Navy corpsman who was handed a dishonorable discharge for driving drunk on base (2 years), and a New Zealander living here illegally whose boss paid him in bags of pot (1 year)...
.
I'm not a regular to this group but I had to reply.
). At first, it made me feel good because they always seemed to want me, and it felt SO good to be wanted (even at nearly 300 pounds). However, it soon came to mind that the only reason they were with me was that we were drunk, and I convinced myself that if the guys were sober, they would never want to be seen with me, let alone see me naked.
