[caldawg89]

Hi everyone,

I am not sure why I am writing this, I just know that today has not been great for me mentally, and I just need to vent, and maybe have some reassurance.

I am about to start on a weight loss challenge next week, which I am feeling nervous, excited and a bit overwhelmed about. It is really weighing on my mind.

I am struggling at my job, I just do not feel good enough, and I am scared of making a mistake.

I went to the doctors last week and every time I think about what she said, it makes me cry. Not only do I have another large ovarian cyst, I am also the heaviest I have ever been. I had surgery early last year, and I lost 10kg in a couple of weeks, due to being on a liquid diet. When I was weighed at the doctors, not only have I gained the 10kgs I lost, I have also gained another 5kg on top of that, bringing me to 125kg, the heaviest I have ever been. I feel so disgusted and ashamed at myself, and I have mentally struggled so much this past week knowing how heavy I am. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about it, I am too embarrassed and sad, but you guys cant see me crying behind my computer screen, so I guess this is going to be the best I can do for now.

The doctor also tried to talk me out of having bariatric surgery. She doesn't think it would work for someone like me, and made it sound like I haven't tried hard enough to lose weight. She then made me feel even worse (if that was possible) by saying she couldn't even test my blood pressure because she couldn't find a cuff big enough to fit around my arm, when the only one she had was a child size cuff. She then went into horrid detail about exactly how bad my blood work was. I left in tears.

To top it off, my partner works away a lot, and I feel so freaking lonely. I know he loves me and I love him, but this is so hard. I am sick of going to bed alone. I know he is being faithful, its nothing like that, I just feel really lonely, and really, really sad. I don't have any close friends that I can talk to about any of this, as they all have their own lives, but its just so hard. He knows how I feel about him being away, but we don't have a choice, we both need to work, and neither of us can get work closer to the other.

I am really sorry to have to burden everyone reading this with what probably seem like petty problems. I just feel really sad. The way I feel about myself right now is making everything seem worse. I feel sick every time I think about my weight, I have lost all confidence in myself, even thought I know I have gained the weight over the course of the year, its not all come at once.

Any advice, tips or support on dealing with feelings like this would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.

[LovelyLeah]

I'm so sorry to hear about what's going on. I dealt a lot with that last year. I was living halfway across the country from my fiance for school. I had not close friends where I was and to top it off I failing my classes. I felt so alone and sad and hopeless. I spent a lot of time hiding food from my roommate and stuffing my face when I was alone. By the end of the year I was at my heaviest. My clothes didn't fit and I hated seeing myself in the mirror. I still want to cry when I see a photo of myself from that time.

I am extremely sorry for what you experienced at the doctors. That is just cruel! When will they learn that body shaming does NOT help motivate people for weight loss. I know if my doctor did that to me I would immediately hit the grocery store afterwards and pick up a box of donuts and cookies and chips and then hate myself even more afterwards.

I can't help you your with feeling sad other than to say I'm hear to listen. As far as starting the weight loss journey I suggest mentally telling that doctor to **** off and lose the weight in spite of her. Choose to lose the weight for you and what you want. Not for what anyone else wants. I'm currently starting the weight loss journey again and I understand how daunting it feels. I'm not sure what will work best for you. I personally find tracking what I eat helps me to realize just how much I actually overeat. I know for others just choosing one food and limiting how much they have it helps them begin the process gradually. My biggest vice is donuts, god I love them. I've decided not cut them out entirely (I don't do well when I feel deprived) but instead of buying a box and eating a lot of them in a week I'm cutting back to one a week. Overall I save the calories and it helps me to appreciate the treat more. I also found that with some things that when I cut back and eventually quit eating it no longer tasted good when I had it again. For example my fiance and I cut out fast food as a way to save money for our wedding. I recently had McDonalds again and it just tasted nasty and left me feeling so unsatisfied. Prior to cutting it out I loved eating there.

The best tip and advice I can give you is to do this for you and only you. Find a positive in it or a goal. I know how hard it is to do when I feel sad and lonely and helpless. It can feel so overwhelming. If you can, find a light at the end of the tunnel. What would you like to achieve with your weight loss?

Personally I try to stick away from numbers for my long term goal because it just feels too overwhelming. My long term goal is to feel comfortable in my skin. To me that means being able to look at myself naked and be okay with what I see in the mirror. I don't know what number that will be. I'm trying to be okay with what I see now, which is really hard. I have myself look in the mirror when I'm naked before a shower. As much as I feel disgusted I'm trying to accept myself for what I see now. It's really easy to focus on the flaws but trying to find something positive really helps me feel motivated.

My small goals are more number oriented, usually in 5lb (2kg) increments. I used to set a date that I'd like to achieve my goal by but I don't think that has helped me long term. I think I prefer just sticking to baby steps and keeping the goal in mind that I just want to feel comfortable with my body.

[souvenirdarling]

Hi calda, wish I could give you a big hug so you'd feel less lonely!
i have no advice other than small, sustainable changes make big differences! Set small goals and you'll build up resilience, and pride!! They'll turn into great successes. Even goals like "call a friend when I'm lonely" or "sleep more tonight".

[dcapulet]

Originally Posted by caldawg89

I am really sorry to have to burden everyone reading this with what probably seem like petty problems. I just feel really sad.

First, let me you.

Second: you are not a burden. You're here in a public forum for community support. You've have done the thing exactly expected of a member here.

Third: There's no such thing as "just" sad. It's a big deal. Bigger to some than others, definitely. But obviously a big deal to you. You have a right to feel any and every way you want to, and to find people to share it with.

I bring this up because this is exactly what I do. I feel awful about feeling awful and don't take time to honor my feelings. Are my personal problems less "severe" than other awful things in the world: yes. Despite my impending divorce, mental illness and weight problem, I am extremely fortunate: many of us are. But that in no way invalidates our feelings - no matter what others say. They are important.

Your doc sounds cold and mean. How could a child cuff fit ANYONE except a child or small boned adult? Your health outlook may be bleak, but you're thinking about steps to fix it.

I learned something in school that changed my life and my professional outlook: "No matter what, everyone is doing the best they can do at this given moment." Meaning even if someone is being a total jerk, that's the best they can do at the moment. Can we do better? Sure, we all can.

You're doing your best right now. Others may be mean to you, so it helps to be kind to yourself.

You're here. We want you to be here. You're worthy. You're accepted. You're doing the best you can at the moment. Don't stop trying.

PM me at any time.

[caldawg89]

Thank you to everyone who responded. Today was a much better day, I was back at work, and things were much kinder, and I was also much busier which kept me from thinking about things I shouldn't.

LovelyLeah, thank you so much for your words of support and suggestions as to where I should go from here. The exercise and diet challenge I am about to start is 4 30 minute work outs each week, and the meals are excellent, very similar to Jenny Craig, however all the counting and points are done for you, you just have to prepare the meals yourself. The website generates a shopping list and the recipes and everything, which helps me a lot, as I really reject things when I feel deprived. I have only set one goal for the next 3 months, and that is to finish the challenge and do the best I can. If I lose weight, great, if not, well it wont be from a lack of trying.

Souvenirdarling, thankyou for your suggestions. I have decided to travel to see a friend this weekend. I have spoken to a friend today and we are going to have a good weekend with each other and our partners. I really need it. I also told her how I have been feeling and she was really great about it. I am really lucky.

Dcapulet, your post made me cry again, but in a good way. I am really hard on myself sometimes, I often disregard my feelings, and all that does is compound the problems and make me feel worse. What you said really hit home with me. I have never been any good at asking for help, especially when I am struggling mentally. There has always been a stigma around mental health, and no one around really admits to struggling. I haven't been diagnosed with a mental health problem, but when I am under the pump at work, I can feel a little fragile, I guess. I agree with your comment about the doctor; my partner was horrified. However maybe she was trying to give me the kick up the backside I needed? Though I don't think I needed or deserved it, I am doing the best I can, I had a life threatening illness last year, followed by emergency surgery, while working full time; I am absolutely doing the best I can. I don't want to make excuses for my weight or health, but my blood results aren't that bad; I have slightly elevated cholesterol and triglycerides. My BMI is higher, and I am heavier than I should be, but it is hardly dire circumstances. I am young, and I want to fix this. Being away from my partner is really hard. Talking to people on this amazing forum is my first step in asking for help. Thankyou so much for being so kind. I really need that at the moment.

[dcapulet]

caldawg - I'm glad you're feeling a bit better today

I hope you go back and re-read your response to me. You're making plans and recognizing some of the challenges. Good for you.

I know you feel lonely. But I think you also know you're not alone. I hope that's a help to you.

[HaveDogWillDiet]

caldawg89 Glad you are feeling better today. Just saw your original post. I know so much how you feel, it is how I felt before I got my health under control. Took me years. You just have to figure out what works for you and what you are excited about. Maybe this new challenge you are starting will be it for you! And if not, then don't beat yourself up and keep looking for the next thing.

[caldawg89]

Thanks so much to everyone who commented. I had an amazing weekend with my beautiful partner and best mate. I started my gym/diet challenge today. I have managed to get to the gym at a very early hour this morning, I have not over eaten and I have pretty much stuck to the plan, which is great. I am feeling tired, but happy. I am taking things one day at a time, and so far, things are going great. Thanks again for all of your support. It has helped me more than you will know.

[Kalaya]

caldawg89 - How's it going? Keep us updated!

[caldawg89]

Hi Kalaya,

I have been going ok, struggling more some days, not so much on others. I have been on my diet/exercise schedule for 5 weeks now, and I have been on cholesterol medication for 2 weeks, and everything is going well. It doesn't seem so hard mentally at the moment, because it has become a routine. I am also seeing weight loss results, and that makes me not feel deprived or like I am missing out on things. I have my Week 5 weigh in tomorrow and I am super nervous! Thanks for checking in, it means a lot.

[Kalaya]

Good to hear! You'll find that when you keep at it, you will look forward to your weigh ins. It sounds like you have been making really good progress, so don't be nervous

[caldawg89]

Just checking in, only lost 200g this week, but I guess it is better than nothing!

[Kalaya]

A loss is a loss!