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Old 10-01-2015, 08:08 PM   #1
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Default I feel like I'm the only one who isn't married in her late 20's

I'm 26, and that's less than half a decade from 30
Everyone around me, and mean everyone, is either engaged, in a serious relationship where they are likely to be engaged in the next year, or already married.
At first, it was just the weird people who married young. But then, next thing I know everyone's posting wedding photos, my friend randomly gets engaged to this guy she hasn't known very long(she's from a different culture) and now she's pregnant. I hate going on Facebook for that very reason, all these "my hubby bought me flowers!" and all the wedding dresses, rings etc....
I have been/was in a serious relationship for the past almost three years, so I can't say if I had been single for those years if I would still feel the same-however, I feel lonely, left out, and worst of all, it all just reminds me of my failed relationship.
Truly it doesn't have to do with my weight, I know this because girls bigger than me get married. Though being attracted to certain ethnic groups where being overweight is seen as highly unattractive certainly doesn't help.
This doesn't help with my weight loss because I get this "why does it matter I'll never be married or able to have sex" mindset that I use to "justify" my binge eating.
I feel lonely too because "I'm losing friends. I tried to make friends in my area and my age group..but they are all married and some already have kids. Every. single. one.
I'm at a point where I can't be around married folks too long without going into this self pity depression of jealousy. I wish I knew how to be happy for other people. It gets worse as you age sigh
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Old 10-01-2015, 09:29 PM   #2
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I know it's tough. But take it from me, it's not a race. It's about finding someone right, and not just a little right but 100% right...

I married at 30, had kids at 35 and (am nearly) divorced at 40. And nothing, nothing is more painful than a failed marriage especially with kids.

So take your sweet f@cking time. It's the most important relationship you will ever have in your life and if you get it wrong it will always scar you. After all, if you can't get the most important relationship in your life right, what relationship can you?

I have several female friends now in their late 30s who are settling for Mr Alright rather than Mr Perfect because of their biological clock. I wish them well. But marriage, and kids, is serious.

So take a deep breath. And be patient. In 20, 30, 40 years you will be glad you were.

It takes as long as it takes.
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Old 10-01-2015, 09:39 PM   #3
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Hey Bubblegum,

I'm in my early 30's and married, but I can say YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Many of my single girlfriends in their early 30's are in the same boat.

Let me tell you something else. Getting married isn't an accomplishment. For all the married couples you know, I'm sure you know several that are divorced, on the verge of divorce, or a plain unhappy and feel trapped. Whether they say so or not.

Many girls make the mistake of planning and fantasizing about the wedding, but not enough planning for their marriage. They marry Mr. Right Now, instead of Mr. Right. Yeah, they have their day in the sun, but weddings last 8-12 hours and they go by so, so quick. Its anticlimactic. Then they have to live with guy afterwards!

That being said, I understand your concern about "aging" out of the marriage market as well as your weight. Seriously, you do have time, but I agree, you might have to come up with a more strategic plan to date, to meet QUALITY men. And that might not happen by surrounding yourself with married folk. It sucks, but it will take more effort on your part to put yourself out there and meet people.

I am glad you mentioned that that it doesn't have anything to do with your weight cuz thats true. I was fat when I met my husband, fat when we dated, fat when we married, and am still fat (but working on it.) We have been together 13 years and are very, very happy. You can work on yourself but not wait, not let it slow you down in the meantime. Yeah, being overweight is unattractive to some, but nothing, NOTHING is unattractive as panic and desperation.

It sounds like you are still grieving a break-up and are carrying some guilt and some worry about "starting over." These feelings are entirely normal. Give yourself a break. It happens and it was not a failure. He wasn't the right guy for you. You will meet him if you give yourself a chance. Take care of yourself. Its easier to date and have successful relationships when you find some level of acceptance of yourself.

Welcome to the forum!
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Old 10-01-2015, 09:48 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IanG View Post
And nothing, nothing is more painful than a failed marriage especially with kids.
THIS!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by IanG View Post
I have several female friends now in their late 30s who are settling for Mr Alright rather than Mr Perfect because of their biological clock. I wish them well. But marriage, and kids, is serious.
I'm seeing this too. My best friend just got engaged to man she met 9 months ago!!! But she is 34 and is worried about missing the boat on being a mom, so I can't blame or judge her. Biology is very cruel sometimes. But the OP has plenty, plenty of time yet.
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Old 10-02-2015, 04:40 PM   #5
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I'm in the same boat as you. We're very similar in age and I am not in a serious relationship at the moment (just ended one, actually). While I don't love the social pressure and family pressure, for me getting married just to be married is the absolute wrong decision.

For me it might be a bit different. I don't know if I'll ever want to get married. Probably not. That alone makes me very strange to many of my friends/family (because I'm a woman, particularly so). I do want to have kids someday, I'm pretty sure, but not for a while yet.

I second IanG's post. Almost all my friends and family members got married so they could be married and not be alone. It is not going well for most of them.

On a similar topic... Personally, I'm not sure how helpful it is to know your spouse for a long time before getting married. I know several people who knew each other for a VERY long time, got married, and are miserable. Others met and married very fast and are decades into a good marriage. I think it might come down to a combination of luck (mostly luck) and doing it because you want to rather than feel you have to.

Anyway, good luck with everything. You're not the only unmarried 20-something out there.
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Old 10-02-2015, 04:44 PM   #6
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30, not married, no plans or desire to do so.
so many end in divorce and misery these days. me and my man are happy as we are so neither of us are in a rush to change it
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Old 10-02-2015, 08:03 PM   #7
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So many beautiful and insightful comments in this post OP that I hope you read them.

Quote:
Personally, I'm not sure how helpful it is to know your spouse for a long time before getting married. I know several people who knew each other for a VERY long time, got married, and are miserable. Others met and married very fast and are decades into a good marriage. I think it might come down to a combination of luck (mostly luck) and doing it because you want to rather than feel you have to.
This is a great observation. In my experience, we as individuals never stop changing as we age. You can either grow closer to your partner as you both age and change or apart. A lot of this is luck, like you say. Some of it might be effort too. I don't know. But my ex-wife and I just grew apart because we were not the same people we were when we met 15 years ago. My mum and step-dad however have grown closer after 15 years of marriage.
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Last edited by IanG; 10-02-2015 at 08:11 PM.
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Old 10-05-2015, 09:54 AM   #8
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Not married! I am in a serious relationship, for about 8.5 years, but no plans to marry anytime soon, no matter what the grandparents all say. Everyone has different priorities, make sure you are not upset because you feel like you are supposed to be married, not because you yourself actually want to be married.
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Old 10-08-2015, 05:16 PM   #9
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I'm about to turn 25 and I too am not married. In fact, I've never even had a serious relationship. I'd say about 95% of the time this doesn't bother me despite the fact that all three of my siblings met their spouses in their teens/early twenties and have since had at least one kid each. While I sometimes think it'd be nice to have someone to share my life with, I love the freedom I'm afforded otherwise.

Unlike my siblings who have to make decisions based on their family's needs, I can do pretty much whatever I want. Just this summer I took six weeks off from work so I could study abroad in Scotland for a month and then visit my sister. My brother, who just graduated, was never able to study abroad because it meant leaving his wife at home to raise their daughter and taking time off work which he couldn't afford to do. Being single allows you a certain freedom that you wouldn't have otherwise and it can honestly be quite refreshing. You don't have to consult anyone else when making plans, spending money, making important purchases, etc. I like that right now I can just focus on work and school without having to worry about fitting a boyfriend into my schedule. I'm sure once I graduate and settle into a career I'll welcome a relationship, but until then I'm going to enjoy my freedom. And even when I do have time for a relationship, I don't plan on settling on someone because it's good timing. If he's not right for me, then I don't see the point in pursuing a relationship. I know too many people under the age of 30 that are already divorced/divorcing because they just weren't ready for marriage. I don't want that for me.
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Old 10-08-2015, 05:30 PM   #10
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You also have a ton more money in your 30s and beyond if you have a good job and stay single, don't get married and don't have kids.

I realize that now. But it's too late for me.
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Old 10-08-2015, 09:22 PM   #11
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I am heading out of my 30s and never been married. And I certainly have other single friends, both male and female. OP, I wonder where you are from that everyone you know is hitched or in a serious relationship? Maybe it's because I've lived overseas and/or gotten a grad degree that that isn't so much the 'norm' that I see on facebook, etc. Just know people are all on different paths.

Of course there are times when I do get the 'oh woe is me' feeling, BUT please keep in mind that many of your friends getting hitched now are gonna be getting divorced when you all become my age. Sad to say it, but it's true.

Would you rather be with the right person and have it last or with the wrong person just to not be alone?
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Old 10-08-2015, 11:19 PM   #12
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Even the "right" person can give you 10, 20, 30 years of service and then not be right anymore. My old boss said something very sweet to me after my marriage was over. She said to me "Very few married couples remain truly happy". And I kinda believe that.
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Old 10-11-2015, 09:29 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bubblegumbrooke View Post
I'm 26, and that's less than half a decade from 30
Everyone around me, and mean everyone, is either engaged, in a serious relationship where they are likely to be engaged in the next year, or already married.
At first, it was just the weird people who married young. But then, next thing I know everyone's posting wedding photos, my friend randomly gets engaged to this guy she hasn't known very long(she's from a different culture) and now she's pregnant. I hate going on Facebook for that very reason, all these "my hubby bought me flowers!" and all the wedding dresses, rings etc....
I have been/was in a serious relationship for the past almost three years, so I can't say if I had been single for those years if I would still feel the same-however, I feel lonely, left out, and worst of all, it all just reminds me of my failed relationship.
Truly it doesn't have to do with my weight, I know this because girls bigger than me get married. Though being attracted to certain ethnic groups where being overweight is seen as highly unattractive certainly doesn't help.
This doesn't help with my weight loss because I get this "why does it matter I'll never be married or able to have sex" mindset that I use to "justify" my binge eating.
I feel lonely too because "I'm losing friends. I tried to make friends in my area and my age group..but they are all married and some already have kids. Every. single. one.
I'm at a point where I can't be around married folks too long without going into this self pity depression of jealousy. I wish I knew how to be happy for other people. It gets worse as you age sigh
All my friends from hs have kids and I'm 23.im the lone hold out and I don't plan on kids so I'm making other friends.2nd marriages seem to work better in my family so I don't plan on marriage either but my mom and grand parents waited 20 and 8 years to get married the second time and it seems to have worked/
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Old 10-11-2015, 04:45 PM   #14
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If I could change one thing about my life, it would be to really enjoy my 20's and not worry about getting married. I was engaged at 20(seeing that now at 47 it seems crazy to me!), then he broke it off less than a year later and I was devastated. I met my husband at 24 and we married when I was 29. I love him, but I really wish I had spent my 20's travelling and doing whatever I wanted instead of worrying about someone else. He had kids and soon got custody of them, so I've been raising kids for 23 years now and have 6 to go til our son turns 18. My son is the best kid in the world, but everything we do, all our weekend and holiday plans, are centered around his school, sports, music, etc.

So enjoy living alone, traveling, learning to play a sport or an instrument, or just doing anything you d@mn well feel like while you can! The rest will come before you know it.
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Old 10-11-2015, 06:47 PM   #15
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Post I know how you feel...

Bubblegumbrooke, I can very much relate to your original post. I can also relate to what many of the other posters have said. I am less than a month away from turning 27 and I have never been in a relationship. I've barely ever even dated. It really bothered me when I was in my teens and earlier 20s, but in the last few years I have come to be content with where I am and what I have. I get to be as selfish as I want to be and do whatever I want without having to check-in with anyone.

The majority of my friends have started families (married and/or having kids) and it does make me a little sad at times. I feel like maybe I will be spending the rest of my life alone, but then I remember all of the marriages that I have seen fall apart and hurt so many people. I don't know if I will ever get married (even if I find "Mr Right-for-Me"), but I definitely know that I do not want to get married just to be married.

However, that doesn't make it any easier to be a third wheel (or 5th), watching friends with their significant others, or sitting at home alone at night. As they always say, hindsight is 20/20, but feelings of loneliness in the present can be very consuming. So, again, I know how hard it can be
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