My mom has gone to see professionals before, but it's always been to focus on how someone else is causing her problems. When I was a kid I suffered from severe anxiety, and depression as well. My mom took me to several professionals to "fix me". She took me to one psychiatrist that immediately identified the problem as an unhealthy dynamic between me and my mother. When he even hinted that maybe she shouldn't be totally involved in our sessions, and asked me about our relationship, she took me away from him and painted him as pure evil. She found a therapist that focused on what was wrong with ME.
She also went to a christian marriage counseling with my dad, and blamed all the the problems on him (therapist took her side). My dad is definitely at fault for a good bit in the marriage (he is a narcissist, had affairs for 20 years, was horribly angry and awful at times, but always provided the best for us: schools, camps, and good home etc), but she has never admitted that she was anything other than "the long suffering wife" which is just not true. When I was a kid she would swing from sweet and loving to hating us, abandoning us, saying the most awful things, and was so controlling and never let us have fun or our own lives.
She was on cymbalta for a while, but went off it due to weight gain. Now she has thing pride thing about how since she's not with my father she's "not depressed anymore". She thinks she's perfectly healthy, and I can tell you, she is in no way open to logical or reasonable discussions. If I were to say she may need help, I would have a seriously nasty situation on my hands. She also uses her faith as a shield. She has told me on multiple occasions that "god told me I was right" and things like that. She thinks as long as she has this twisted version on God on her side she is always in the right. It's incredibly odd and frustrating. She paints herself as a martyr that is so loving and people attack her all the time. she is very paranoid, but she does love us, she just turns into the enemy and hates us a second later. She has been emotionally and physically violent towards us our entire lives. One time we got in a fight before school and she told me she wished she had thrown me in the river when I was born (the river right outside the hospital i was born at, not a metaphorical river) and she wished I was dead. She has also called me a "child of satan" "*****" and many other horrible things other parents I know would never say to their children. ever. no matter how angry they got. She is so illogical and fargone she cannot hear logic, or concern, and take it seriously to better herself. She has decided she is the only one who truly sees reality, and WE are the ones that need therapy and to be mature. So... yeah. I do in fact believe the best thing that's happened lately is my brother getting out of that environment, and I'm thankful everyday that I have my husband and a good life away from there.
Hey everyone, having a few troubles getting back on track. Stupid me saw a great loss for 2 weeks and started coasting. But I can FEEL it in my body that I'm taking too much time off and not focusing enough. I need to stop taking pit stops every time I see results! When I feel cold in the house in the day time when the heating is off, instead of getting into bed and eventually napping I should put on my workout clothes and do some exercise to heat myself up. My lunches, which used to be quite healthy, are now mainly carbs which is no good! I actually have a chance of winning this challenge and I want to try!
clay - Wow. Here's my two cents, take it or leave it, but perhaps something to think about. You're an adult, she's an adult, you should both be equals and treat each other as such. Your Mum sounds like she uses the "i'm your Mother" card as an excuse to completely rage against you to validate her own anxiety/anger issues. Would you let a friend treat you this way? I'm guessing no, so your Mum shouldn't expect you to take her crap time and time again. You should stand up and walk away. Personally I would tell her that you've had enough of her sh!t, that you want to be treated normally and not like a "child of satan" and if she cannot do that then don't expect to hear from you until she's ready to be civil. Sitting in silence and letting her have her moment is doing no one any good - she gets to rage with no consequences and you have to hear AWFUL things and be treated horribly. I'm sorry she's so mean to you, she does have some serious issues, but I think it's time to give her that ultimatum because enough is enough!
noname - Have a lovely Thanksgiving!!
Last edited by Riestrella; 11-26-2014 at 03:12 PM.
Claygirl - Wow, your mother sounds like she might have some deep personal issues to sort out. Generally, I don't have much advice for this. Me and my mother get along fantastically. When I was younger, not so much, but we both grew and learned about ourselves over time. It seems like your mother isn't willing to put in her part of the effort.
Also, you'll get to 189 before you know it and then you'll be on to the next goal!
Yes, I learned a cool new word for 'cheat days/meals'. "Off roading"
I think that's cute and much less negative. So I think I'll have my first "off roading" adventure this Saturday and maybe a bit at tomorrow's dinner, although I intend to be a little restrained just because of the cheat day over the weekend.
Yes, I learned a cool new word for 'cheat days/meals'. "Off roading"
I think that's cute and much less negative. So I think I'll have my first "off roading" adventure this Saturday and maybe a bit at tomorrow's dinner, although I intend to be a little restrained just because of the cheat day over the weekend.
That is a nicer way of putting it! My friend is quite sensitive to words and what affect they have on people - whenever I say "I've lost __ lbs" he corrects me to "you released ___ lbs." Very bizarre! Sometimes it works, sometimes it's a bit too much . But off roading is a good'n.
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Riestellla, one time I told a guy friend that I lost 5 lbs and he said "No you didn't, look behind you!" He thought he was so funny. LOL
Claygirl, I went through a lot of similar issues with my mother in my 20s. She would not accept that I was an adult and free to make my own choices, which actually turned out pretty good. She passed away when I was 34, and even though I knew I had done all I could to repair the relationship without giving up myself, I have always felt guilt that we were never able to work things out. Both you and your brother have a right to lead your own lives. Hopefully, some day she will realize that.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I succumbed to a black Friday sale, funnily enough through a Facebook ad, because I saw something I think one of my closest friends would love and it's her birthday in January. It went from $48 to $19, I thought that was a pretty good deal! She just spent a year in NZ so I thought this LOTR inspired bracelet would be right up her alley:
I loved it too...but didn't want to get the same one, but I found one that I loved even more for the same price!
I really can't afford it now so I will have to pay back into my savings in January and be poor for a while after my trip to London!
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WannabeHealthy - Ahaha, oh man that is so mean but quite amusing! That's a shame your mother passed away, at least you did everything you could without sacrificing your own happiness. I think when people pass away we always feel guilt about something, I think I've felt some sort of guilt for all those who I've lost. I hadn't spoken to a close friend in a long time, thought about e-mailing him to say I'm thinking of him but got distracted, then found out he had died 2 weeks later. But as people have told me and I'm sure you know the same: I'm sure they knew that we loved them.
Last edited by Riestrella; 11-27-2014 at 04:42 AM.
Yesterday my husband and I went to see his Papa, and he passed away 5 minutes after we got there. Thankfully we were able to make it there. But last night obviously we all just needed to be together, and aunt susan got chocolate cake, wine, and beer, and I had beer and cake on top of dinner. Obviously it's okay to grieve, it's just been a really awful week for everyone. My husband has been so stressed with work, his masters degree work, his Papa being sick and passing away, and during all this I was at home stressed because of my mother, for the millionth time, and wasn't able to be home to help him. He's feeling better now, because the second i got home I took care of some things around the house that were stressing him out. When he got home from work and saw, he actually took a breath, and seemed calmer, which was totally worth it for me.
Rie My mom has been texting me the last few days since I left, and as of yesterday, I'm no longer responding. If she texts me again, my plan is to say something like this "I'm still hurt by your actions this past weekend toward me and Andre. I need some time think about things". I would be shocked if she actually left me alone, but I don't have to answer her. And you are absolutely right, there is NO way I would take this treatment from anyone else. It's only because she is my mother, and to see my brother, that I've put up with it so long. It also makes me feel bad though, because she is going to have such a lonely life. She's pushing all of her children away at the age of 60, is divorced from my dad, and most of her family doesn't speak to her either (apparently it runs in the blood. her mom did the same thing to her she does to us before she passed). We will see what happens. I need to stay on track food wise to. That bracelet is PERFECT for an lotr fan. gorgeous. She will absolutely love it! There's one like that that I've seen before but it's all harry potter symbols, I've wanted that one for a while, or doctor who themed, but I'm a huge geek, I love stuff like that!
thewalrus0 I've always observed other people's relationships with their mothers and it made it so much harder to understand why mine was so horrible. I don't know any other mothers that would do to their kids what mine has done to me my whole life, honestly, it makes me very jealous! Ive never been able to count on her to be my mom, i've been able to count on her to randomly treat me horribly. However, I'm thankful for my husbands family. So thankful. My husband is the best man i've ever known, and his family is so... normal. And none of them are self-obsessed the way my parents are. So this thanksgiving, I'm thankful for my husband, his family, my siblings, my grandma, and that my dad seems to be getting better.
Wannabehealthy I'm sorry you had that relationship with your mom too. It's not an easy burden to carry. I hope that my mom would accept our independence too. She is so self absorbed and playing the poor victimized martyr mother right now, I just know when I draw that line she will bad mouth me to anyone that will listen saying "oh woe is me all my children are horrible narcissists that have been turned to evil again by their father" she will never admit that SHE is the one that has pushed us away. So I think once I draw the line I will lose her completely, not to mention possibly start a war. As far people who think they're funny and are SO not: my brother just started johns hopkins undergrad and his acne has gotten worse from stress. Mom thought it would be funny, IN public at a restaurant, to call him "pizzaface". SERIOUSLY! I couldn't believe she did that, so rude, like she is a middle school bully to her own child. just unreal.
I just hope that things look up soon and that we all make our xmas goals. This is the real challenge coming up... staying on track through the holidays. I think we can do it though!
clay - Oh my goodness I'm so sorry about your father in law . Sorry you both seem to be going through a lot of stress recently, I think things will be a lot better now. That's so wonderful you sorted things out at home that were stressing him out, it sounds like he really appreciated it. I think you're making the right decision concerning your Mum. If she pesters you after you telling her that you need space, then perhaps bring up the fact that her own Mum did the same and does she want that to happen to the two of you? It's funny because my future mother in law is treating me the same way that her mother in law did (like crap!) so it seems history really does repeat itself =/. I got the bracelet from this shop: http://www.ashleybridget.com/ There seems to be a Harry Potter one on there if I remember... Try your best to keep on track, or just to maintain at least, but any slip ups are understandable. *hug* hang in there!
Thank you, it's been a rough time lately. I've talked with one of my friends here in SC, and she agrees with pretty much everything you guys have said. She thinks I need to draw the line in the sand, especially since my husband and I want to start our own family this coming year. She said I can tell my mom that we will be starting our own family in the next few years, and we will not accept this behavior from her anymore. If she wants to be a part of our family, she needs to change that behavior. She actually just sent me a text:
"Emily I'm so sorry I lost it the other day and I hope you're doing ok. Andre and I talked and actually had a good discussion over the phone. I know things are bad there and I certainly know how that can be. Hang in there and let me know how you are. I am thankful for you today. Love to you, Franklin, and all of his family"
While I absolutely appreciate the apology, that does not make up for the fact that she continues to do that to me OVER and over again. She goes from being sweet and loving us, to being horrible and calling me awful and ungrateful and screaming at me at the drop of a hat. But then she'll be nice and if I don't respond with kindness... I'M the *******. I just hate that she keeps putting me in this position. Now I feel like I'm a horrible person because I don't want to reconcile with her. I know I'm not, I have every right to still be angry, but I'm just not ok with taking this hit! My friend suggested I talk with her with Franklin (my husband) with me. I just need this stress out of my life. I feel physically ill.
Well, I definitely ate too much at dinner yesterday. I spent most of the day baking cookies, muffins, making homemade nutella, and cranberry sweet potato casserole to bring over to Nana's house for the family. I guess I just didn't know what else I could do to help the family, so I cooked. a lot. I think they appreciated it though because we didn't have much that was homemade yesterday at dinner because there really wasn't time, we were all focused on Papa, and now Nana. I was so distracted most of the day I forgot to eat for most of the day. I had oatmeal, I ate one of the cookies when they came out of the oven, and then I didn't eat until thanksgiving dinner. Granted, at dessert, I ate way more than I should (cookies, nutella, key lime pie... so bad) I can feel it today, I'm just kind of bloated up. I've gained about 2 lbs since all of this eating (I'm hoping it's water weight and I didn't actually gain that weight...) I'm going to work out today after I get home from work. I just feel so emotionally drained. I don't want to go to work, I honestly just don't care. I'm so preoccupied right now.I've pretty much decided that I can't let my mom be a part of my life if she continues to treat me this way. I haven't spoken to her about it yet though. I'm terrified of putting my foot down. My husband and I are both exhausted and drained, and we haven't had any time together to de-stress. Next week, on his one day off, I have a stupid training I have to go to for work (and not even get paid to go to). So i'll do all my regular work, and spend all day at training an hour and half away, and come home late on the one day we can spend together. That just pisses me off. I've been feeling very resentful of work lately. It's just an incredibly time consuming job, so my salary ends up feeling like getting minimum wage for the amount of work I need to do to keep up, and I definitely resent it. big time. It's hard to care about it with everything else right now.
I'm sorry I've been so whiny on here the last few days, I'm trying to pick myself back up, I promise! I'm still going and trying, today will be a better day. I hope you all have a wonderful thanksgiving this year.
claygirl- I don't have time to respond to everything you've written but just wanted to offer my sympathy for everything you've been going through. My heart really goes out to you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Managed to not overeat for Thanksgiving. I had 1 large plate of the food I made(all gluten/dairy free and vegetarian of course) and had 1 piece of cake I made plus shared a slice of pumpkin pie my sister made me. Nibbled a little while cooking and had a smoothie for breakfast. Really happy with how I handled it. Now I'm trying to stay strictly on plan till Christmas which is my next planned off day.
I'm thinking of incorporating more smoothies into my eating. I already do a smoothie for breakfast and am thinking of doing a lunch one too. I'm so busy with finals the next two weeks and am totally broke so I'm thinking smoothies for breakfast and lunch seems like a good idea. I add protein and psyllium husk for fiber to them so they are more of a complete meal. Then for dinner I can just eat "normal". So that's the plan I'm thinking of to get me to Christmas.
So...I ended up gorging a little on pizza on Thanksgiving. However I was super good in the day. I had cereal in the morning, did a T25 workout AND did 30 minutes dancing, then had half a granola bar. I calculated that I could have 4 slices of pizza and be in my calorie range for the day...but just blew it when it came around to eating. I ate 7 slices =/. I was over by about 600 calories for the day, which is pretty bad. I weighed this morning and I was just into the 163 lbs mark.
Today, my Mum has unknowingly given me my next big challenge, she's bought an 8 pack of Coke cans. I ended up having one tonight, for no reason really, and I regret it. It's very hard for me to resist temptation when it's either Coke, chocolate or crisps, so for the next 3 weeks I'm going to say NO to Coke. When my boyfriend gets here, he will no doubt drink them, so it will help me out in a big way!! So it's going to be a huge challenge, but I'm positive I can do it. I did quite well with eating/drinking water all day to compensate for yesterdays pizza, but having that coke at the end of the night made me feel like I ruined all the progress. Tomorrow I'm going to get right back on track and go on a run/do a T25 and be on it with food. I want to be, ideally, 159 lbs by the time the bf gets here. 3 weeks to go!
Almost forgot to mention, I've got not one...but TWO interviews on Monday! Eep! Both are for admin assistant type jobs, which is exactly what I want right now (can't be doing with holier than thou customers any longer), so I really hope I get at least one of them! The first interview is a bit weird...because I can't find any information about the company online. The second one are more prolific, they have a cool vibe about them AND it starts in January. This is perfect since I need 3 weeks off for my bf's trip here, I haven't seen him in 5 months and I don't want to be working while he's here. So I'm secretly hoping that I nail the second interview for the place that starts in January and get the position. I'm trying to not over prepare for it since the last time I studied hard for an interview I completely panicked and messed it up! But I actually do want an office job so I feel like the interview will be me telling the truth rather than me having to rehearse some bullcrap answer just to get the job!
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clay - You're right to not let one apology change everything, while it's definitely a step in the right direction, it sounds like you really need to de-stress before dealing with the whole Mum situation. Sorry your schedules are hectic and don't allow much time together, hang in there and fingers crossed you get a well deserved break soon. Is there any chance of taking a couple of holiday days off? Just to slow it down and compose yourself? Once you're in the right frame of mind I think you'll be able to handle telling your Mum that you can't be doing with her drama any more. But definitely don't try and tackle that right now, you've got too much going on!
Dott - Well done! That's amazing! I'm definitely with you on the juice/smoothie thing, I really want to start planning my veggie juices for the week.
Last edited by Riestrella; 11-28-2014 at 07:56 PM.
Rie that's awesome you're at 161! you are doing so great!
I have had not so great eating days the last few days. Not awful, not breaking through my maintenance calories, but still.. not great. I hopped on the scale this morning to keep myself accountable, and got 194.8, and well as VERY high total body water (which I was expecting). So, overall, pretty good, I just need to get back on track today.
My mother texted me 11 times yesterday after I specifically asked her for time and space the night before. She's wigging out. But, I'm not responding, because she's not respecting my wishes I clearly told her the other day. I will not call her until I am ready, and her harassing me like this is making it take longer for me to want to call. So that's where we are now. It's just really stressing me out. I'm trying to not let it.
. But off roading is a good'n.
. Sorry you both seem to be going through a lot of stress recently, I think things will be a lot better now. That's so wonderful you sorted things out at home that were stressing him out, it sounds like he really appreciated it. I think you're making the right decision concerning your Mum. If she pesters you after you telling her that you need space, then perhaps bring up the fact that her own Mum did the same and does she want that to happen to the two of you? It's funny because my future mother in law is treating me the same way that her mother in law did (like crap!) so it seems history really does repeat itself =/. I got the bracelet from this shop: 
I don't have time to respond to everything you've written but just wanted to offer my sympathy for everything you've been going through. My heart really goes out to you. 
