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First relationships

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Old 07-28-2014, 12:05 PM   #1
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Default First relationships

Hi all!

This is a sensitive subject for me, but I thought it was a good moment for me to share.
I have never been in a relationship with a guy and I've been very hurt in the past due to how I looked. I lost quite a bit of weight at the end of my teens and started to get a little attention. But of course, it wasn't from people I wanted attention from (usually creepy older guys) and it just made me feel worse.

Recently I met a great guy. I'm still getting to know him and I'm not even sure where this is going. It's a great feeling but one thing is really bothering me. I feel really insecure that he's lighter than I am. I know this is horrible, but I'm mad that I haven't been able to lose some weight before meeting him.

Have any of you been through that process of feeling good about your body while starting a relationship? Do you have any advice?

Thanks everyone
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Old 07-29-2014, 07:13 PM   #2
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I know I'm closer to my goal weight than you, but I've lost some weight since I got with my boyfriend and... insecurities feel awful whatever size you are, so I know how you feel and hopefully I can help.

I've been with my first proper boyfriend for about 5 months now. I know how you feel, I was very nervous when we first got together. No guy had ever seen "mah goods" before because I'd been too insecure about how I look. But my gorgeous flatmate and best friend of a year and a half, who I secretly fancied the pants off of, turned to me in February and told me that HE liked ME! And he had for a while! WHAT! But after the first "woooooooo" I realised that this meant that he had to see me nekked. And this was half way through the year, I'd put on some weight and it felt like the worst time body-wise for him to see me. I felt the same as you. I'd seen the girls he'd talked to on nights out and they were so skinny and his ex girlfriend had a ridonkulous figure, and he himself is lean. He's the kind of boy that accidentally loses weight. (The only thing I hate about him)

I even spoke to a friend about it, because I was worried about what he might think. I feel like I'm very good at dressing to disguise my problem areas, and I've hated my big (saggy) boobs for as long as I can remember, so I was so worried he'd be surprised and disappointed when things got intimate. But what she said assured me, so I hope it does the same to you: He already likes you! He knows what you look like, he's DEFINITELY checked you out, even if you haven't caught him looking. And he's gonna be too busy being self conscious about himself to criticise you.

And although I still find myself covering up a bit, or telling him off for looking at me when i'm getting dressed, I realise that he's only looking cause he fancies the pants off of me too. And... he loves my boobs! I think he thinks they're my best feature!! I'm not sure I agree with him, but I've never felt better about them. He's really boosted my confidence, and I think your new fancy man will too. And a male friend once told me after I moaned about my stomach: if you've got boobs and a bum they're not going to be looking else where. And I think that's true. :P

And in reference to the "him being lighter than you" thing (wow this is a long comment I'm sorry)... he probably likes that you're curvy. That's probably why he is going out with you! My sister is very curvy and yea, overweight, and her boyfriend is stick thin... and he loves her curves. He hates skinny girls, and he's desperately trying to put on weight. So he might think this is his problem rather than yours! So don't worry too much about that.

So try to be confident, feel sexy, cause then you'll look sexy. And definitely don't point out anything you're insecure about, because that will make you feel 100% worse. He's my best friend, and I love him, but I still don't talk to him about my doughy belly or my saggy boobs.

During (at 117lb):
Bust - 97cm; Waist - 71cm; Hips - 93cm; Arms -29cm; Thighs - 52cm; calves - 36cm
Goal: ~110lb, waist > 64cm! or Happy!!
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Old 07-30-2014, 02:53 PM   #3
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What a sweet reply, thank you!!
He's the shy type and I can totally see that he has some insecurities of his own but it's annoying that in this moment I can't get past mine. I think you made a great point that he probably has checked me out while I wasn't looking and is okay with how I look. I'm also pretty good at concealing flaws and I'm just afraid that he might be like, oh I didn't expect this, if he sees the Buddha belly.
I'm still getting to know him so by the time something happens, I'll probably be more confident or at least a little more comfortable.
Thanks again for your reply, I really appreciate it!
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Old 07-30-2014, 03:09 PM   #4
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My story... is not very good.

When I started college, I had just lost 30 lbs and had first gone from overweight and a size 14 to a size 6 in jeans. Shortly after that I met a guy who became my first boyfriend.

He seemed nice at first, but in reality he was very controlling and set out to manipulate me and take over my life. One of the key parts of his plan was devaluing my body, comparing me negatively to other women, and telling me he'd be more attracted to me if I were thinner (I was 5'7" and 130).

As time went by he also devalued my intelligence and my feelings as well as body, and took control of where I was allowed to go, who I was allowed to see and what I was allowed to wear. He had me wearing baggy clothes that hid my body at all times, and I wasn't supposed to go to anything without him, because he knew if I met someone else who saw and appreciated how I looked, he'd lose his hold on me.

I was under his spell in a lot of ways after two years with him, but I was too self-confident in other ways to go completely under. In a final bid for control, he resorted to physical abuse, at which point I wised up and left him ASAP.

I know this may not be the kind of story you were looking for, but my advice is to learn to be happy being with yourself before you pin your self-esteem on something else. Lack of confidence in who you are and how you look is a huge blinking target for people who want to exploit you. Don't ever pin your self-perception on what other people think of your body: be happy with yourself and your strength and what YOU have done. If he's not happy with how you look NOW, he should BUZZ OFF!
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Old 07-30-2014, 03:13 PM   #5
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Thanks so much for your reply. I'm really sorry you had to live through that but I completely see your point.
I am trying to work on my self-confidence and accept who I am at any size. I don't think he's the kind of person to run away, but I don't want to make things uncomfortable because I'm not happy with how I look right now.
I wasn't as sensitive about it before meeting him and I think that lately, everything is resurfacing because I'm getting attention that I'm not used to getting (or not used to notice it).

Thanks again, I'll remember your story and I honestly wish you all the best!
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