I wasn't really sure where to put this but i hoped to get some advice from people around my age instead of the chatter thread. It's not weight related but i really want to get it off my chest, and what with being anonymous- this is much easier.
So here goes, prepare for some self-indulgence...
I'm in a relationship with a guy i met when i was 18, we've been together for four years and we're now living together (For financial reasons, the city i live in is pretty expensive so it made sense in that we'd both move in together and be able to save for houses in the future). When we first got together the relationship wasn't perfect but he's a wonderful guy. He has been having doubts about the relationship on and off for the last year- he isn't at the moment but I am!
The problem is that, although he's great and for the last four years i've just assumed that we'd eventually get married and settle down together. He puts in an enormous amount of effort to make me happy (and vice-versa obviously) and we get on really well together, I'm having doubts about the relationship. We don't have the same sense of humour and he runs his own business and is actually going away over valentine's day (he forgot the date and booked his travel ect before he realised which did really upset me- he almost did a similar thing for our 4 year anniversary) and to top things off, when we first got together, he didn't really want to be with me (I didn't know this until much later on).
Despite just assuming that we would just settle down together, I am not ready to do that yet, and I've spoken to him about this and we've tossed the idea around of having a break to try and figure out what we both want in life, he's not very keen on this idea but is willing to do it if it'll make me happy- i've never done this before, does it actually work?
Last year, a guy joined my work who i eventually got really close to. i've since changed jobs but we've stayed in touch and he recently told me he has liked me ever since he first met me (for the last 10 months). We get on really well together and have an amazing friendship and if I'm really honest with myself, i've got a bit of a crush on him and i sometimes think about 'what if'.
I really don't know what to do. I'd never cheat on my boyfriend and the knowledge that i might be attracted to someone else is tearing me apart. I'm struggling to figure out what the best course of action is- i don't want anyone to get hurt! if I break up with my boyfriend, I hurt him, run the risk of losing him forever and I'll lose my home. Plus, although i'm not ready to settle down (and neither is boyfriend), up until very recently, I was really happy with the set up.
Equally, if i am single again, I probably will get together with the work friend who is a little older and has expressed the intention of wanting to settle down, i don't want to read too much into the potential relationship there because it hasn't happened and it's hard to tell, but I'm worried i'll end up in a similar situation with a different guy.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? I'm 23, boyfriend is 24.
It's kind of ironic that i have two great guys that want to be with me and yet i feel like a total piece of crap and my self-esteem is the lowest it's been in ages.
Your 20s should be all about having fun, figuring out who you are, and truly experiencing life.
If I could do it all over again, I would never seriously date (or settle down) in my early 20s.
I'm sorry if that's not the kind of advice you were hoping for.
No, this is exactly the way part of me feels. I love living with my boyfriend but I don't want to settle down just yet. And then i feel awful about that and hurt at the thought of losing my boyfriend. :s
I think your self-esteem is probably low because you aren't living what you feel is an authentic life.
I think the very fact that you posted on here, that you are considering a break, that you are considering that your current relationship isn't the one for you are all signs pointing to your inner guide, your intuition, and you should listen to it.
It sounds as if you have a pretty clear idea about what you want for the future (i.e. marriage, house) and your current boyfriend may not have the same idea, or even same timeline, as you do. And even if he did, do you want to live your dream life with him?
The fact that this new guy entered your life doesn't necessarily mean that he's the "one" for you. It could just be the catalyst or sign for you to realize that you are not happy in your situation and you need to move on.
Yes, you will have to get a new home, and that sucks, but what is worse? Settling and living a life you are not entirely satisfied with?
I 'settled down' BEFORE my early twenties - I was engaged at 18 and got married three months after I turned 20, but I never had any serious doubts about getting married young and making a lifetime commitment to my husband. We'll have our 10 year 'couple' anniversary this year and our 6 year wedding anniversary and I'm very happy with my relationship and my marriage and have no regrets about not having 'carefree' 20's.
However, like BreathingSpace said, the fact that you're considering a break and having a lot of doubts about your relationship might be saying a lot about where you want to go with your life. Some soul searching is clearly in order - are you just getting cold feet about the idea of settling down at some point? Are you still in love with your boyfriend? Do you have similar/compatible long term goals? If you decide to break up with your boyfriend, it'll hurt, but it will hurt a LOT LESS than dealing with the fallout from an unhappy marriage down the line.
Also, being attracted to someone else is normal and natural. I'd never, ever cheat on my husband, but I still have casual 'crushes' and so does he - you don't stop finding other people charming and sexually attractive just because you got married/settled down.
It sounds like you are only in it out of habit and for financial/lodging reasons. You know you want more and you deserve more. Take it from someone who has made mistakes. Follow your gut. Be in love. Don't settle.
You have to ask yourself if you you are just going though a slump with your boyfriend or you really feel like this new guy could be someone you could start a good life with.
Every relationship has its boring periods or days where you just feel like you just don't click. And I promise you that if end things with your boyfriend and start a relationship with the new guy in a about four years you will be feeling the same thing.
People who have a successful relationships will always tell you that sometimes being in a relationship means forcing yourself to love the person and until the love comeback naturally. Falling in love is so much easier than being in love.
That being said you are young, so even if you decide to end things with your boyfriend it won't end you and you will find love again even if it's not with this new guy. But just don't think that being in love is always easy or exciting most of the time it's about paying bills, changing diapers (when you have kids), arguing who will cook dinner, etc. all the mundane things you never think about.
Side note: The fact that he didn't instantly like you is a good thing in my opinion. Growing to love someone is typically a sign of lasting love rather than love at first sight.
You definitely need to move out of your boyfriend's place - get a female roommate. It sounds like you want to move on from your relationship with your boyfriend, perhaps on to one with this new guy or perhaps not, but at least if you aren't stuck in your relationship due to your living situation you can make decisions with a clear head.
hmm... it's a pretty difficult situation, and i don't think that you should necessarily follow the advice that any of us strangers on this site tell you because we don't know you well...
i think a lot of things about this... i think that you guys have been together for 4 years, and of course, the excitment of "being in love" is gone after that time. you might break up with your bf, hook up with this new guy, and it will be sweet at first but eventually will move into "boring" territory again. will you get bored of that guy too? you might.
i'm not saying don't take chances, but this "i wanna have lots of experiences in my 20's" mentality seems a bit silly to me. if you are happy with someone, you don't NEED to go and have lots of experiences with other guys. i mean, who made that rule up? i guess this touches me particularly because i'm dating a guy who is much younger than me and he kinda has this mentality and doesn't want to settle down with me because of it...
on the other hand, i have been in a similar situation as you in the past. i was with a bf of almost 2 years, and started having a crush with a guy i was working with. bear in my mind that my then-boyfriend wasn't nearly as nice as your guy seems to be. he was really manipulative and i had low self esteem and thought i could never do better than him. in the end, my feelings for my coworkers grew too strong and i ended up leaving my boyfriend for him. i don't regret that because we were really happy for a while, though it ended really badly. it also made me realize what a horrible person my 1st boyfriend was because while i was in that relationship, i couldn't see it at all. i know our situations are very different, but i thought you knowing my story might give you a little bit of insight.
also, just remember, the only regrets we have in life are for the things we did not do. so even if you break up with your boyfriend and it doesn't work out, you probably won't regret it. but you need to think really hard, because it sounds like you have a good thing going and you could lose that. but ultimately, you need to just listen to your heart and follow what it tells you.
I wouldn't end a relationship because you have different personalities and he forgot valentines day (really, if that's all he does to upset you then you have a pretty great guy). I also don't think you should expect you will never be attracted to other men.
That being said, if you don't want to be with him then end it.
i'm not saying don't take chances, but this "i wanna have lots of experiences in my 20's" mentality seems a bit silly to me. if you are happy with someone, you don't NEED to go and have lots of experiences with other guys. i mean, who made that rule up?
I don't really understand this concept either. I met my husband when I was 19 and we've been together 11.5 years. If it were the case of needing to focus heavily on a career or moving across the world for a great opportunity, but I don't really understand needing to be single while in your 20's.
Wow. Your story is almost identical to what I am going through right now. About a year or so ago, my boyfriend (who I've been dating since I was 17, I'm now 24) stepped out on me and I caught him. Then for the next couple months it was just one thing after another, after another, after another. And I stayed and stayed and stayed trying to fix the relationship. Like somebody mentioned earlier, I guarantee your self esteem is at an all time low. I actually know this kid and who we have a mutual liking for each other and it's one of those things that when we are standing next to each other you can feel the tension between us. I have left said boyfriend for about 3 times but always went back. It's hard when you've been with somebody so long and since you have been with him your whole adult life (as I have with mine) you don't know a life without him. It's easier to give advice than it is sometimes to take it. If leaving him and taking a break will help you, do it. I know I should take my own advice but sometimes its easier said than done. You need to do what will make YOU happy in the end, regardless of who's in your life and who's not. Good luck!
I am 24 and want nothing more than to settle down with my boyfriend of 5yrs! he is not so keen..........
I have had a crush on a guy while in my relationship but it passed and i'm happy, even though my bf didnt get me anything for valentines day or even take me to dinner.
I think if you are having doubts then maybe its not meant to be?
I must admit im not one of those hoplessly romantic types of people but I do believe in soulmates and love at 1st sight!
Can you imagine life without your boyfriend? it could just be a phase you are going through - dont throw away something good for a "maybe" but on the same token its unfair on your boyfriend to string him along - if he is happy with a break then do it and see how things go with the work friend. but dont expect him to be waiting for you when you get back.
You have to live with yourself so do what makes you happy and what you are comfortable with - forget everyone else and do what is best for you!
Stuck between two guys
