It's been a tough semester for me. I'm recovering from Mono and have slept through most of the past couple weeks of classes. I have a 7 page paper due Wednesday at midnight I haven't even started yet, a test Wednesday that I am studying for, a test Thursday I have to study for still, three projects due next week, three tests next week, and then 7 finals the week after that. Oh, and my laptop died last week, and it had all of my notes from the entire semester on it, so I have no idea what I need to study. I don't know why I decided to take 19 hours, and it's going to kill me. I can barely keep my eyes open, I haven't slept in days....there is just so much to do.
I binged today. On fast food. I have never binged like this before, this is a new experience for me. I guess it was the stress, I don't know...
I was studying and my fiance got me Whataburger for lunch because I didn't want to go to the store. Not the normal size, the large size. I drank the whole soda too. Then I was early for my SAI (sigma alpha iota, it's a women's music fraternity) meeting so I ran through the taco bell drive through and got TONS of those cheap menu items. Probably enough food for 4 people, and I ate it all. Then I got home around 11 and started doing homework again and the fiance ordered Chinese because I still don't have time to go to the store. I ate enough food for two people. Then I got a migraine about an hour ago and I sent him out to get mountain dew because I thought the caffeine might help. He came back with MORE taco bell, and I ate enough for at least two people. NOW I am drinking hot chocolate and eating ice cream and I just can't stop. I have never done this before. You would think I would feel sick by now because of all the junk I have put in my body today...it's honestly gross to think about.
I almost wish I WOULD feel sick, so I could throw it all up without feeling like I'm now bulimic or something. I don't know. I guess maybe it's because of the stress, and because eating is a way to escape it...I obviously do not have a healthy relationship with food. Thinking about how much I have eaten today makes me feel so guilty, which then makes me even more stressed. I feel like I'm about to explode or something. I just wish I had time to sleep...
I'm sorry for the long post...there just isn't anyone else that I can talk to about this that would understand. Everyone else would just think I was crazy or a fatass. Maybe I am, I don't know.
On a positive note I think my migraine is FINALLY starting to go away, and I can get back to work. Staring at the computer was really hurting, so I took a brake to let the medicine kick in.
I was in a similar position to you when I did my postgrad and I put on lots of weight because of it. It is somewhat normal to binge when you are stressed and studying due to not having time to go to the store etc. One thing that stuck out to me was that when your fiance goes out then he gets very unhealthy food seemingly without you asking for it (he got large instead of medium, he ordered a chinese, he got a taco bell you didn't ask for). If he is going to be getting your food for you, why not say (in a nice way) that you would like him to go to the store and get some healthy snack foods like carrots or some ingredients that could be made into some easy meals for you both. Make it clear to him how much weight loss means to you and because he loves you, he will support you. It could also be an idea to make big batches of rice and chilli (or something like that) and freeze portions so that you have a week's worth of food ready to heat and eat at short notice.
Also, maybe you should get some help from a lecturer if you are struggling with your workload? I feel bad for you as I failed some exams in my first year and it was all because I didn't admit I needed help until it was too late. Best of luck with everything, I hope it gets better.
Tomorrow is a new day and your next encounter with food is an opportunity to make a better decision. The past is gone and behind you. This is part of the journey. Just dust yourself off and carry on! You can do it!
Regarding the stress, I totally get it. I'm a serial procrastinator and have had the computer crashing at unfortunate moments or the not-saved night of work disappear into magical computer land, it's okay. Believe it will get done because it has to. It might not end up being your best work, or it might (some of my best work has come from stress), but it will get done. This week will pass and next week as well. Just keep plugging away and working. Also, it may not seem like you have time for it, but it might be good to just go to sleep, even if you're going to wake up super early to carry on, set your alarm and do that. When I'm stressed and pulling all-nighters, I find I'm more jittery and prone to errors and bad choices and in the long run, less productive. It might be worth it and more useful to you and your health to take a 4-hr nap and then wake up with some clarity of how to proceed.
Good luck! You're definitely in my thoughts and prayers for success with your studies!
Today was a Struggle...My first real binge.
