Six months ago I hit the lowest weight I have been in my adult life, when 130lbs flashed on the scale my first reaction was excitement. Despite my initial reaction the more I thought about it then more heartbroken I became, when I looked in the mirror I didn't see a attractive body. The body I saw in the mirror was not the body I had wished for, hoped for or expected when I imagined myself at 130lbs. I still saw myself jiggle when I walked, I still had love handles and I still had fat thighs but most of all I was still disgusted with the body I saw in the mirror. I compared myself to other women with my height and weight, they had such beautiful bodies and mine was so lack luster. I know what you are thinking, you should never compare yourself to others but lets face it, we all do it from time to time. I started out my weight loss journey with a vision of what I hoped to make my body look like at my goal weight, when I reached that and saw how far I still had to go I felt like a failure. In my mind I knew my emotions were unjustified, even laughable but they were intense and I couldn't shake them off. As I wallowed in my own self defeat, I slipped.
It started off small, with tiny little indiscretions - a chocolate bar here, a small piece of cake there. Those small indiscretions quickly turned into bigger ones that included pizza, chips and pasta. Everything that was once on my "every-now-and-then" list was all of a sudden "must-eat-now" list. I wont sugar coat the truth, I didn't just eat the foods I had once strayed from, I devoured them. As my eating plummeted downhill so did any minuscule shred of self-esteem I had left. At this point I stopped weighing myself daily, I guess I figured that if I couldn't see the damage on the scale then maybe it didn't exist. I found myself on a "I-see-food-I-eat-it" diet that I hated but didn't have the will power to stop. They don't lie when they say it is a very slippery slope and once I was sliding down the hill, I couldn't put on the breaks. Month after month went by and I kept promising myself I would stop this self destruction but I never did.
When I finally did get the courage up to weigh myself I was shocked at the number gleaming back at my on the scale. In a very short 8 months I had managed to gain back 30lbs. You can imagine my disgust with myself. Sadly, reflecting back on all those months of eating, the weight gain is not a surprise. Recently I stopped and took a long, hard look at myself and the life I was living, I realized that I am not happy living like this. I have realized that my vision of the "perfect body" is not unattainable, or unrealistic for my body type, but it is going to take more work and time then I originally thought. For some reason I wanted to rush things, I wanted it now, not later and when I realized that I could not run myself to the perfect body, I effectively gave up even trying. The saddest part is that I actually liked the feeling of doing something to better myself, I liked the rush I got from running and I enjoyed the way my body felt when I put healthy food in to it.
Today was my last day of treating myself like a garbage can.
I can't continue living like this, I can't continue punishing my body because I have a problem.
I really needed to get that out, Thank you!
Your post is all too familiar to me. Although I havent gained much weight back (keep bouncing between the same 7lbs) I know exactly how you feel when you describe looking in the mirror at your goal weight. People will tell you you look great time and time again but you couldnt disagree more. After all they don't see you naked right?
I almost think self esteem gets lower with weight loss, maybe because we focus on our weight so much. I really hope we find some solution to feeling like this because, I too am miserable, when in reality I am a perfectly heathy weight, and probably don't have all these things wrong like I see in the mirror. I think the best way I can desribe these feelings is to know inside that you're not fat, but inside you still feel fat. I don't even put this down to your mind catching up with the weight loss because I've managed to stay around this weight for 2 years now and STILL feel the same.
I hope you manage to find some peace of mind somewhere along the way, good luck with losing the weight, if you can do it once you can do it again!! As you said, its not a race, it won't happen overnight, so be happy with every loss no matter how big or small.
You are not alone. Ive been attempting to "re-lose" since the beginning of this year. Was successful at dropping about 18 of the 35 I gained in the first half of the year, but over the past 2 months Ive been slipping again as well. Its a VERY slippery slope. I originally gained the weight back because of a break up. Now I'm just eating compulsively. Going out of my way to have ALL the wrong things, not exercising, and not weighing so I don't have to face the truth. But, like you said... time to wake up.
" Commitment is doing the thing you said you would do long after the mood you said it in has left you." --Unknown
I know exactly where you are coming from. After having lost almost 90 pounds I was like you, it started creeping back on and before I knew it I had gained over 45 lbs of it back. It was the kick in the a** I needed to get back into gear and not only reach the weight I was before, but to completely finish what I had set out to do and keep my healthy living a lifestyle. I am in the process of relosing what I had gained, and I am in my second week of it. Just remember you are worth every ounce of it!
count me in in the regainers group! I was down to 135 when I started regaining at the beginning of the summer. then i was depressed from my job situation and now i'm back up to 145! but i'm here and back with the goal of being 130 on my 2nd wedding anniversary.
I am thrilled to know that there are others going through the same troubles I am, for months I have been sitting on my couch, feeling so alone in all of this. It is comforting to know I have somewhere to get the support that is so crucial in this journey.
I am also looking for a weight loss partner if anyone needs one!
I lost about 50 pounds for my wedding four years ago, and even though I was still 5 pounds "overweight" according to the BMI, I was fairly happy with the weight... I could wear normal clothes and look good in them, and that was enough for me... THEN, a few years later I get on the scale only to realize that I had gained about 65 pounds since my wedding! How? Slippery slope... A frozen drink here, a huge choc chip cookie there, suddenly I'm back at old habbits treating my body like a garbage can.
Scary part is that I've been doing really great on the weightloss recently, but now other pressures are budding into my life and I see the weightloss slowing down. I'm losing motivation and having A LOT more dietary "slip ups" recently. Afraid that this will be slippery slope. Goal feel like it's a million miles away.
The only thing that I have now to remind me to not go down that road, is the anger that I feel for having to lose the same weight, that I had once already lost, all over again. It's actually infuriating! But there is no other way...