(The title may be shocking but if you plan to write a response, please read the post to the end )
A friend of mine is getting married and created a wedding website where she and her husband-to-be will be keeping all of the guests posted with any news regarding their big day. On that website they have a section where they tell the story of how they met - in it, there is a "what she says" section and a "what he says" section, and while she talks about how she 'felt' and about them flirting a little throughout the night, he just talks about how HOT she looked when she walked through the door... I laughed (it was really funny) and then I read it to my husband and he laughed, and then he said "well, it's true!" (meaning that that's what men notice first), AND suddenly I realized that "the boy, [my man,] is a man" and as a man, regardless of how much he loves me, looks matter to him.
At first, after he said this, I thought that I should really try harder so that my husband (who is wonderful and great and has loved me through weight gain, then loss, then much higher gain, and now - hopefully - loss again) would think I look good, and be proud to show me off, but then I realized that there's more to it...
When I say "looks matter", "looks" can mean a lot of things... mainly I mean attractivness which can be the "standard" pretty, or it could be unconvensional, or more having to do with confidence, sometimes it just means taking care of yourself, or having your own unique style, etc. But the point is that we can't forget about that part of ourselves, and I think that the effort we put into our appearance is a big predictor of success on this journey.
A lot of us get comfortable in something that "works" for us, and all too frequently it's the lowest common denominator (a pair of track pants and a hoody, or those flats that are just so quick and easy to put on because over the past two years they have molded to your foot exactly from daily wear), but the truth is that we need to hold ourselves to a higher standard. We need to put more effort into our appearence, not just so that we can strive to look like some model on a magazine, but just so that me remember that we are worth the effort, and that we are worth it today! Not "once I lose 20/50/100 pounds", but starting today. And not just because our spouces/boyfriends will think we're "hot" but so that we feel that way.
Sorry for the novel... Just sharing my thoughts...
i totally agree! i know ladies do not want to hear it, but it is true.
My husband and i were best friends for a long time, but he didn't think of me as more because I wasn't attractive to him. I started losing weight, and went from obese to overweight. I was more confident and took better care of myself the less I weighed. One day, I dressed nice and we went to an event together as friends. He said that that moment it "clicked"- that the person he got along really well with was also attractive and that's when he started falling for me.
Men are visual. Also, the better you feel about yourself, the more confident you are and the more attractive you are.
I had a 'looks matter' epiphany when I was twelve, and it was of the worst sort. I remember thinking, wow...looks matter. how am i ever going to get married and have a family if i look like this!?
but now that i'm older, i think...looks matter, so i should carry myself in a positive way that makes me look and feel amazing, not wait until I'm done losing weight.
I would agree!! For me, I am in the category of "once I lose 20 pounds" group. I gained weight and I am trying to get into my 2nd set of fat clothes (11 pounds) then 20 more to my other nice clothes. For now I do have some cute things I wear. I am starting to feel better about myself. I have been single for a long time and I know it is because of how I feel about myself which results in how I carry myself. I always look "nice" cute tops, shoes and etc but not taking it to the next step. Once I get to my 14/16 then I will start "flirting" making myself approachable. Until then it is what it is.
I have been more bubbly and smilely and energetic lately. Matter of fact, I rocked a fohawk on Sunday. It was fierce, super high on the top!! My first one but I will be perfecting that style and trying more. Plus I like to look "different" sometimes. This time around when I get to my 14/16 ( a short term goal) I plan on stepping it up a notch and I will be snagging me a date!
235 by 7/4
Last edited by RoyalAthena : 09-18-2012 at 02:43 AM.
Yes, you are right. Looks DO matter but only to a extent.
There's something attractive and amazing about someone who carries themselves good. When people feel good about themselves they carry themselfves in a different way. I take myself as a example, I used to feel very insecure but these days I'm feeling more confident and people tell me that I've changed (In a good way).
When we love and accept ourselfves, we give other people permission to do the same Always keep your head, heels and standards high ladies
"My body is God's temple. I will be a good steward of what He gave me. "
Gained 30 pounds in 2013. Time to lose it again for 2014!
I'm not sure I agree with this post. I used to get dolled up from time to time (still do), with hair and make-up perfect, heels on, etc, and would get a lot of looks from men, true, but my ex was never that into it. He would appreciate that I was having fun dressing up, and tell me I looked hot, but he's said many times "you're naturally pretty, so you look good in anything." Some of the best compliments I got from him were not when I was trying excessively hard to fit some western standard of beauty, but when I was in a sweater reading a book, or laughing at something, or just being silly, etc.
So looks matter- to the point where they mark the difference between naturally attractive and unattractive. But I honestly believe that most women don't really understand wtf men want and like- which is something completely different at a party or bar (when they're all hormonal and young and just want the "hot" accessible looking chick) from when they're in a bookstore or at home.
Thankfully, men aren't all about looks. At least mine isn't. If he were, we wouldn't be together, because I am not his type. He likes his women short, brunette and girlish. I'm tall and blond with big boobs and hips (which probably won't change as I lose weight) and a round belly (which hopefully will). He doesn't look at women who I think look like me with any attraction, but I can see love and desire in his eyes when he looks at me.
I think that yes, looks matter in regards of sexual attraction, but I also think we tend to want to go to the ends of the earth to achieve a certain "look" when really, we don't know what's going to draw someone in.
But I do agree with the sentiment that when we take care of ourselves we exude a confidence that can be very appealing. But is that actually because of our looks, or is it how we percieve others to view us?
I think back to all the instances (and there are many) when I've been at the grocery store or any public place after going to the gym. Now, I'm not one of those women at the gym that works out in full makeup and a sports bra; I'm strictly big tshirts and old ratty cotton black pants. My hair is usually frayed and matted with sweat, and I'm sure I don't smell like a meadow either. But let me tell you, it's almost funny how more likely I am to be hit on or checked out in this situation than when I put a more concerted effort (at least in my mind) into my appearance. Now, I do believe there are some societal "standards" (for lack of a better word) in play, but the laws of attraction are complicated than fat vs. skinny or big boobs vs. small boobs or even "pretty" vs. "ugly". I eventually gave up on trying to make myself appear attractive to others and realized that me feeling good about myself was much of the battle. And yes, it really is in the eye of the beholder (either ourselves or otherwise).